The Presidential Debate Debacle

Ok, so last night there was a presidential debate that I didn’t watch because, well…ewww. Look, I’m in Maine and there are certain privileges and responsibilities that come with it, primarily the fact that you never intentionally expose yourself to things that have the potential to inflict mental, emotional, existential or physical trauma to either you or your loved ones. At the very top of the list of such things would be presidential debates. So, Pam and I abstained. Instead Pam busied herself with her cross-stitch project while I tore into a paperback I found in the house library entitled The Couple Next Door. Two chapters in it dawned on me that I had already read this book a couple years ago, sprawled out on the exact same sofa! It was Deja-vu all over again.

While all of this excitement was happening the wind began to pick up. The gusts seemed to shake the house. The weather people had been calling for a clear but (very) windy day on Friday, so maybe the wind had arrived early, I remember thinking right before going to bed. When I woke up this morning at 5:00 it was still howling. The thought occurred to me, maybe it’s an ill-wind that blows across this lake. Perhaps something terrible has happened somewhere and this howling wind was our warning. The next thing that popped in my head after the “something terrible” thing was—“wait, there was a presidential debate last night!”

After brewing some coffee and trying to summon up some courage, I decided to do my civic duty and find out how the debate went. Maybe one of them had a heart attack on stage. Maybe Trump spontaneously exploded in the middle of one of his outrageous whoppers, or perhaps Biden wandered off the stage asking why he wasn’t given any bingo cards. 

To educate myself I travelled the slow internet to several different platforms that I barely trust and a couple more that I don’t trust at all but each had the same basic theme—“the president bombed” Sure, Trump told one laughable lie after another. One fact-checker counted 30 from his Orangeness, while tallying only 9 from Biden. But the big story was that Democrats are left in full panic mode over what to do about their nominee. 

Then I made the grave mistake of watching some video highlights of the event. I’m not sure I will ever recover. Something close to a miracle will be needed to rescue our Republic from the coming unprecedented election debacle. The world’s most powerful economic and military power is about to have an election featuring a congenitally lying convicted felon vs. a doddering, slack jawed old fool who can hardly string one coherent sentence together.

This country needs to be placed in Time Out. The Republican and Democrat parties need to be sent to their rooms and told that they will not be let out until they have nominated two new candidates, neither of whom can be over the age of 60. Maybe something like Marco Rubio v. Gavin Newsome or Ocasio-Cortez v. Marjorie Taylor Greene. As terrifying as those two contests might appear to be at first glance, none of those people have criminal records and none of them are on Social Security and all four of them will actually have to live with the consequences of whatever half-witted laws they inflict on the country while in office, unlike either Trump or Biden who are neither very long for this world.

There. That’s my take on our politics. Now I will have to figure out how to deal with 25 mph gusts whipping off this lake all day. I knew I should have packed those long sleeve shirts!!