Marco Polo-ing With Mom

My Mother was a selectively impatient person. In some things, like waiting for her youngest son to repent of his many sins, her patience had virtually no limits. But in other, less eternal pursuits, her exasperation point was on a hair trigger. Here is just a short list of the topics about which she had zero patience:

* bad preaching

* Baptist churches that didn’t devote at least half of their budget to Lottie Moon

* TV preachers

* religious music that had a beat

* teenagers who slept past 7:00 am on Saturdays

* cell phones

* computers

* the internet

The last three items on this list arrived on the scene when my Mother was an older woman, and far beyond the age where she might have suffered fools with a more generous spirit. Whenever Mom would use a cell phone or sit at a computer, she could often be heard muttering, what for her, was a string of epithets...

“This John Brown, devilish thing...I declare honestly, Ima go down to that Verizon store and mop up the floor with that salesman..PHOOEY!!!”

So, as we prepare to institute the very first Marco Polo Christmas music concert in Dunnevant Family history, I can’t help trying to imagine what it would be like trying to teach Mom how to use the app....

Pam: Hey, Nanny! I have some great news. Even though we cant be together for Christmas this year because of C, there’s a way we can all be together remotely. It’s called Marco Polo, and I’m going to teach you how to use it and don’t worry, its super easy.

Mom: If you think some John Brown interweb scheme is going to replace having all of you in my house, then you’ve got another think coming!

Doug: Now Mom, we’ve already discussed this. There’s no way we can do that this year. You and dad are part of the high risk population and we don’t want...

Mom: I serve the Lord of heaven who owns the cattle on a thousand hills and...

Pam: Yes, yes Nanny. We know all about the cattle. But this is different. We just can’t cram 25 people into your tiny little house in the middle of a pandemic.

Mom: So instead, we’re gonna get on the interwebs—which as all of you know is nothing less than the Anti-Christ—and play Marco Polo?!

Doug: No, Mom. Marco Polo is this cool new app that allows people to send texts to each other in video form instead of having to type out messages. We know how much you hate sending texts from your cell phone since your fingers can’t type well because the keys are too small.

Mom: The only thing I hate more than that is having to learn some new fangled app two days before Christmas!!

Pam: This app is different, Nanny. 

Mom: I’m sure it is. And how much does it cost?? Why, if all of you would have taken the money you spent on this Magellan app and given it to Lottie Moon, the world would be a better place.

Pam: Nanny, its Marco Polo, not Magellan...AND its free!

Mom: Nothing is free, dear.

Pam: Never mind all that, Nanny. When I was over to see you the other day, remember I told you that I had installed an app on your computer? It was Marco Polo. So all you have to do is click on it. The icon looks like a beach ball...

Mom: Wait one confounded minute...a beach ball, you say? What in the Sam Hill does a beach ball have to do with this Ponce de Leon thing?

Doug: Just find the beach ball and click on it, Ma.

Mom: Well, I found the silly beach ball and I just clicked on the John Brown thing and nothing happened!

Pam: Use the clicker on the left side of the mouse, Nanny.

Mom: Good Heavens, what is all this?

Pam: Ok, now that you’re in look on the list and you will see a group called Family Fest 2000. Click on that and you will find a video that Doug and I just sent you. Click on it!

Mom:...incoherent muttering...Dad in the background, “take it easy, Betty...well, would you look at that!!”

Long pause......

Mom: Douglas...have you put on weight? Your face looks fat.

Doug: So, did you see the video? We told you it was easy! What do you think?

Mom: I think that you need to drop a few pounds, thats what I think.

Pam: So here’s how it will work on Christmas Day. Everyone will send videos to this app, then you and Papa will get to watch all of them. There will be music and stories, all kinds of things. You and Papa can even send us a video of your own.

Mom: So, thanks to Vasco de Gama here, you’re telling me I’ll get to hear my children singing hymns on Christmas?

Pam: Among other things...yes!

Mom:...long silence.....Well, I suppose it might be nice. Just goes to show that our father in heaven—who owns the cattle on a thousand hills— can take something as heathen as the interwebs and make something good out of it.

Pam: That’s right, Nanny! He sure can.

Mom: Well, be that as it may...I still say that that husband of yours needs to cut back on the sweets!