One of the benefits of life long church attendance is exposure to that underrated category of literature known as the church bulletin. When I was younger and far less spiritually mature (last month), the bulletin provided me with a diversion whenever my mind would wander. The preacher would be going on and on about the immoral Amorites who were always slaying one thing or another, while I would be busy checking out what was coming up in church-world in the week ahead. At other times I would use that short little pencil attached to the pew in front of me to color in all the O’s. Sometimes I would make killer paper airplanes out of the bulletin which was always the perfect shape for such a project. Then it was everything I could do to resist turning that thing loose during the offertory prayer.
But the most fun thing to do with the bulletin was scanning the thing for mistakes, misspellings, grammar errors and other hiccups that often made for some hilarious reading. What follows are some of the all-time classics of the genre.
National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals".
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The Sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on Water". The Sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".
Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper, Sunday at 5.00pm - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
The 8th-Graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday; "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
You’re welcome, and have a good week!
No comments:
Post a Comment