Those Florida Cops Need to Chill Out

Sometimes, dad jokes just write themselves, especially when it concerns a Florida man.

This morning at an ungodly early hour, I read a story that began this way:

“June 25. A Florida man was arrested this morning at a 7-Eleven in St. Petersburg for throwing a 15 ounce jar of Tostitos salsa at a fellow patron with such force that it broke open on the man’s back. The assailant, Le’Trail Tresalus, was arrested for the unprovoked attack and charged with felony battery.”

But the very best part of this story was the epic headline:  Man is Charged With a Salsa and Battery.

Outstanding!! What do you want to bet that the headline writer was a dad?

However, the case gets even better once we learn that the 6’ 2”, 300 pound perp, the aforementioned Le’Trail Tresulas was also facing a theft charge for allegedly stealing a Choco Taco ice cream bar from the same 7-Eleven. 

Hmmm…several observations come to mind.

I have no idea what was going through Le’Trail’s mind when he threw the Tostitos fastball into that poor guy’s back, but I’m not sure how I feel about the ice cream arrest. I mean …its hot in Florida this time of year. Locking a guy up for stealing ice cream seems a bit cold to me. At the very least its a second-dairy offense. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not cone-doning theft here, but its not like he stole 31 flavors or anything. That would have been a Baskin-Robbery. Besides, there is such a thing as buying too much ice cream…Breyer’s Remorse. Are we really going to send a man to prison for stealing ice cream? Seriously? Is that just desserts? 

Listen, here’s the scoop. I’m sure Le’Trail has had a rocky road of a life and he has enough problems with this Tostitos throwing thing. I say we drop the ice cream charge. I mean…it is Florida we’re talking about so anything is popsicle…