The Garland Kids Strike Again

This afternoon, right after taking an extraordinarily odd call from a client, my doorbell rang. Lucy immediately stirred from a deep sleep, barking like a maniac. As I hurried down the stairs I saw the sweet faces of Sully and Kennedy, my neighbor kids. I opened the door and there they all were, Sully and Kennedy, with their big brother Cash and a friend of his on bikes behind them, obviously providing the muscle of the operation...since the girls were delivering my Girl Scout Cookie order. At my feet, their dog Vander peered up at me with rugged nonchalance. Kennedy handed me a grocery bag, “Here’s your cookies, Mr. Doug.”

I looked into the bag, having completely forgotten what I had ordered. Thankfully, Sully was fully up to speed, “There’s thin mints and caramel deLights and the new ones, the toast yay’s!!” Cash’s friend then offered his professional opinion that the new ones...the aforementioned toast yay’s were the bomb.

Then, I asked the obvious question, “Ok girls, have I already paid for these? I already paid for these, right?” Just as Sully began reassuring me that I had, in fact, paid in full, Cash blurts out, “Here’s how this works. We hand over the cookies and you hand over the money.” Kennedy jumped in with, “You already paid!!” I give Cash a sinister look as a mischievous smile spreads over his face.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don’t want anything to do with a retirement community.

So, now that the 2021 GS Cookies have arrived, I am taking it upon myself to sample each and offer my food critic review...

On the far left we have what was formerly known as Samoas, but have now, inexplicably, been reintroduced as Caramel deLights. Perhaps a complaint was lodged by representatives of the American Samoa Anti-Defamation League, pressure was applied and that was that. Nevertheless, I can fully attest that nothing has changed about the flavor of these creations. They still melt in your mouth, the coconut shavings sprinkled on the top the crowning achievement.

Then, of course, no GS cookie collection would be complete without the iconic Thin Mint, the crack cocaine of fund raising treats. Crisp, chocolate goodness followed by the cool breeze of mint make this the classic go-to cookie to satisfy that craving for worthless calories. Pro-Tip...pairs extremely well with coffee.

Finally, the new kid on the block, the much ballyhooed toast yay’s. As a generally conservative man, I am naturally suspicious of new things. My reasoning is that if the GS cookie universe needed a new cookie, God would create a new disease for it to contribute to. I mean, if it ain’t broke don't fix it. The package practically gushes...French Toast-inspired cookies dipped in delicious icing and full of flavor in every bite. Yay. I rolled my eyes at their arrogance, “I’ll be the judge of that,” I snapped. I took the first bite and was overcome with a foreboding thought that I was forever hooked. These babies, to quote noted cookie aficionado,  Cash’s friend, are in fact...the bomb.

So, once again my diet strategies have been foiled by the notorious Garland Kids. Who am I kidding. For as long as they are our next door neighbors we will buy every thing they are selling. Every fundraiser, every lemonade stand, every entrepreneurial project they hatch will have us as the first customer. Why? Several reasons. When our kids were that age they sold everything from soup to nuts for either Little League, church or school. So, it’s cosmic payback. But most importantly, if you saw these kids you would realize that we are powerless against their charms, the ultimate soft target. When you’re a sucker for adorable children, you better have your wallet ready.