A Package From My Aunt

Our 15.5 hour trip home is over, we are largely unpacked, and Lucy was ecstatic upon our arrival. All is well. Slipping under the covers of our glorious king sized bed was a nearly divine experience after three weeks sleeping in a not at all King sized bed at Loon Landing. When I step into my shower later today it will feel like walking into a conference room, and when I turn on the water the force of it will feel like a fire hose by comparison! There’s no place like home, I’m told.

One of the first things I do after returning from Maine is going through the pile of mail that has accumulated in my absence. During an election year, the pile is enormous and much more banal and toxic than the usual fare of Bed Bath & Beyond sale flyers and replacement window ads. But, you have to wade through every single item because there’s always the chance you might unknowingly throw away a commission check hidden between the pages of that Valpak circular.  In the midst of the pile I saw that my Aunt Sylvia, who lives in Florida, had mailed me a package. She never mails me a package. It was an old book. It came with this note:

Hi Doug,

I found this little joke book that your Uncle Fred had sent to Jim back in 1963 on his birthday. Enjoy.

Love to you and your sweet family,

Aunt Sylvia

September 17, 2020

Introductions are in order. Aunt Sylvia is my beautiful Aunt, the one who married my mother’s little brother Jim Dixon, on the very week of my birth in 1958. Uncle Jim was about the coolest dude in the world when I was a kid. He was a State Trooper, and an officer in the National Guard. Uncle Fred was my mysterious and endlessly fascinating Uncle, he of the multiple doctorates and vast learning, the exotic Yugoslavian wife and Michigan address. When he was home for visits I remember the way he talked, the words he used, his accent...all strange to me. But he had the warmest smile and it never left his face. Unfortunately, Uncle Jim passed away a few years ago, so Sylvia lives in Florida by herself where she is close to her son and his family. This unexpected package from her warmed my heart. 

I flipped through it expecting a bunch of really corny, dated jokes...and there were a few, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised at its content. I’m thinking that this book will be a source of material for me for years to come. Here’s a few one-liners that were deemed funny enough for inclusion back in the early 60’s...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their kids.

A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

My wife went to a self-help group for compulsive talkers. It’s called On & On Anon.

Not bad. Not bad at all!