Officially in the Fall-Zone

Falling as an adult is quite the humiliating experience. You are busy with your day walking along the sidewalk in front of your office when suddenly you find yourself on the ground wondering what the hell happened. All you’re sure of is the fact that your hand is bleeding, your sweater is dirty and your ribs are sore. Lucky for you, nobody witnessed the event. You got up quickly, took a casual inventory of the situation and proceeded to make your way into your office bathroom to clean up your hand. As falls go, this one was relatively harmless. However, it does beg the question—is this the first of many? Probably. The calendar doesn’t lie. At 66 I’m told that I am entering the fall zone, that charming season of life where socks become tripping hazards, where the smallest stone can send you face first into the gardenias, and excessive house dust might send you ass over tea kettle down the stairs.

This, being the first adult fall of my retirement years, caught me off guard and honestly kind of hurt my feelings. This is now how I perceive myself or my physical capabilities. Tripping over virtually nothing on a sidewalk isn’t the sort of thing that happens to me frequently or…ever. My wife famously took a dive while we were in Maine last year resulting in a broken wrist, but that was a one off, Pam being one of the most buttoned up non-fallers of all time. Matter of fact in our 40 years together I can only remember one other time when she fell. Now that I think about it, that fall should have been a harbinger of sorts for the both of us since we both fell that day. We were on a beautiful walk from Camden to Rockport along the rugged Maine coastline when suddenly Pam went sprawling on the ground in front of me. She came through the event embarrassed but unscathed. I was quite solititous of her well being in the moments afterwards but then couldn’t help but laugh. She scolded me for doing so, as I recall. But then, not fifteen minutes later it was my turn. I went flying in front of her but hopped straight up afterwards sending her into uncontrolled fits of laughter. There was no, “Honey are you alright??” Just a lot of pointing and hysterical belly laughs—-“I’m not laughing at you, but if you could have seen yourself!!!”

 So, I guess now I will have to place —Strive to remain upright while walking—on my to-do list every day. Fabulous…

The Miracle of Ice Cream

Yesterday the Hope Thrift store was hopping. Pam and I arrived just before 1:00 for our afternoon shift. There was a very long line at the cash register. Pam, as a cashier, was in for a long day. When I arrived at my post at the donation door in the back the place looked like a disaster, boxes of donations covered every inch of floor space, my buddy Bruce was busy serving the three cars in line by himself. I have no idea what the occasion for all of the hubbub was. It seemed a perfectly normal November Saturday to me, but for some reason business was booming.

About an hour later Bruce and I had managed to restore order and finally there were no cars at the back door. When this happens I usually do a walk through inside the store to see if my limited skills are needed in some other department. When I made it through the swinging doors which separate the back room from the store I noticed something I had never seen before at Hope Thrift. The line to the cash registers had backed up almost to the end of the clothing aisle!! If you have never been inside the store before this won’t mean very much to you so. I will try to explain with a football metaphor—the line was the equivalent of 1st and 15!!

I walked beside the line checking out the facial expressions on the customers and was not encouraged. There was a lot of frustration. I tried some garden variety apologizing, “So sorry you folks have had to wait. I’ve never seen so many customers in this line before! Ha!” My attempt at light-hearted banter fell flat. I then glanced up to the cash registers and saw Pam and Lynn and two other volunteers who had been taken off other duties to help with bagging. They looked totally overwhelmed, but all were smiling cheerfully. It was at this point when the idea popped in my head. I needed to come up with a way to make the people in line start smiling, instead of plotting an overthrow!

I ran to my car, retrieved a small cooler I had brought from home for just such a time as this, and then walked next door to the Food Lion. Just my luck, the ice cream sandwiches were on sale. I got four boxes of 12 for a grand total of $13.49!! I paid for them and proceeded to open up each box and stuff the proceeds into the cooler while the attendant looked at me with bewilderment. “What’s ya doin?” She asked after seeing my Hope Thrift volunteer badge. “You taking those to the thrift?” 

“Yes,” I answered. “But not all of them.” Then I handed her one and said “Wish me luck!”

Once I made it back to the store the first place I went was the very back of the line where I began offering everyone a free ice cream sandwich. The first guy looked very suspicious of my intentions. “How much?” He asked. “They’re free,” I explained. The man dismissed me with a two word response I heard no fewer than a half dozen times over the next 30 minutes—“I’m diabetic.”

But as I made my way through the line I began to have more success. A few ladies who had initially balked because of some diet they were on, eventually couldn’t resist the price or my roguish charms. As more and more people took the ice cream I noticed other shoppers trying to figure out what was going on. Soon I was handing out ice cream to smiling people like it was my job. In less than 30 minutes I had given away 48 ice cream sandwiches and a quick inspection of the still long checkout line revealed a total 180 change in attitude. People were smiling, talking to each other, proving once again the scientific fact that it is impossible to be in a bad mood and eat ice cream at the same time.

The lines never thinned all afternoon. Pam had virtually no time to visit with the other volunteers because of the sheer volume of customers in the store. We were both exhausted by the time the place closed. But what incredible fun it was to see the looks on people’s faces at the spectacle of being handed free ice cream from a weirdly aggressive and overly friendly man who probably looked like he was off his medication. But you know who didn’t give me the suspicious side eye? The kids. I would offer one to a Mom and she would say, “No, but that’s my son over there. He would love one!” When I offered the kids ice cream I always got an immediate smile and a huge Thanks!!, or No Way!! There’s a lesson there somewhere, I think.

Who is my Neighbor?

The election is finally over. Emotions are raw. One of the two predictions I made came true, Trump winning easily. My Trump friends are triumphant, my Harris friends are depressed. I am neither which brings with it an odd feeling of detached guilt—shouldn’t I be able to conjure some sort of more fitting emotional response? Yes…I believe I should. Perhaps the reason I can’t has something to do with what I have done for a living these past 40+ years. 

When you advise people about their money you spend a lot of time managing people’s emotions. This was the tenth Presidential election year of my career and in each of them I have had to deal with partisan clients who were heavily invested in one candidate or another. We would have conversations leading up to Election Day that sounded like this:

Client: Doug, if my candidate loses I’m going to pull all of my money out of the market because the other guy will be a disaster!!

Me: That would be unwise. History tells us that the markets are quite resilient to changes in politics. Please don’t do that.

It happened when Bill Clinton ran for office. It happened when George Bush ran. It happened when Obama ran and each time that Trump has run. Each new President terrifies the losing candidate’s partisans. My job is always to talk my scared clients down from the ledge. With the benefits of hindsight, virtually none of the dire predictions of calamity ended up being true, so my moderating advice was vindicated. While it is certainly true that Presidents have tons of influence and do make a difference, it is never as much as we are led to believe during the heat and panic of an election.

Some will say that this time it’s different. This time we are more divided. The influence of social media has exasperated the divides. Trump is uniquely evil etc etc.

Maybe. Maybe not. Time will tell.

Regardless of the outcome of the election I still operate under the two great mandates of my faith—to love God with all my heart mind and soul, and my neighbor as myself. That’s a lot on my plate. I find nothing in scripture in the form of dispensation from the loving my neighbor as myself part that allows me to exempt those who voted for Trump or Harris. Who is my neighbor? Pretty much everyone.

I’ll be busy trying my best to be faithful to that command.

A Timely Speech

Pam gave me this book for Valentine’s Day. And yes, leather bound, gold leaf classic books are very sexy. This one is a collection of every important speech given by anyone in this country's history, which is why it's so thick. It starts with John Hancock's On the Boston Massacre, and ends with Barack Obama's first innaugural address. For a history geek such as myself, this thing is like finding the Holy Grail.

Anyway, I've been making my way through this thing slowly, savoring every detail. There's the combative stem winder from Patrick Henry, Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death, and believe me...the dude meant it! There's Samuel Adams' bomb throwing classic, American Independence. You read enough of these founding father Patriots and you'll be ready to gather up all your Downton Abbey DVDs and feed them through a shredder!

Then I ran into the brick wall of George Washington's Farewell Address to the People of the United States. I feel like I had read this once before back in college when I was too ignorant to appreciate it, too clever to understand. Every word is a treasure. Every warning contained in it has proved prescient, each observation wise beyond comprehension. 

The great man starts by voluntarily relinquishing power, something unheard of in the age of kings. After demonstating for us the cornerstone of republican governance, he sets about saying good-bye to the nation he loves and has faithfully served for 45 years of his life. To read his words is to be humbled that such a man as this ever existed, to read his words is to be reminded of how far we have fallen. 

After a couple of pages of genuine humility where he begs the indulgence of his listeners for his many flaws, he sets out with warnings of what he sees as potential pitfalls for the American experiment in self government. First, he warns against anyone or anything that might come against the union. Regional and sectarian interests should be sacrificed for the greater good of unity. Then he rails against the danger of parties, that despicable notion of federalist and republicans, Whigs, and whatever other factions within government that had arisen in his time. Then, out of nowhere I read this:

"This spirit, unfortunately, is inseparable from our nature, having its root in the strongest passions of the human mind. The alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge natural to party dissension, which in different ages and countries has perpetuated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism. The disorders and miseries which result gradually incline the minds of men to seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual; and sooner or later the chief of some prevailing faction, more able or more fortunate than his competitors, turns this disposition to the purposes of his own elevation on the ruins of public Liberty."

Donald Trump, call your office.

About halfway through Washington's farewell address it starts to get spooky. It's as if you have stumbled onto something written by a time traveler. It's like old George somehow was teleported from Mount Vernon into  21st century America, took a look around, then teleported back to 1796 and started wearing out about five quills, furiously scribbling out this amazing speech. How else to explain the timeliness of his warnings?

After warning his future countrymen against enemies of the Union and the pernicious influence of factions, he then ventures into the issue of the bureaucratic state:

" It is important, likewise, that the habits of thinking in a free country should inspire caution in those entrusted with its administration to confine themselves within their respective constitutional spheres, avoiding in the exercise of the powers of one department to encroach upon another. The spirit of encroachment tends to consolidate the powers of all the departments in one and thus to create a real despotism."

Yeah, no kidding!!

Concerning the place of religion and morality among a free nation Washington offers this nugget:

" Let it be simply asked, where is the security for property, for reputation, for life, if the sense of religious obligation desert the oaths which are the instruments of investigation in courts of Justice? And let us with caution indulge the supposition that morality can be maintained without religion...reason and experience both forbid us to expect that national morality can prevail in exclusion of religious principles."

Then, our founding father begins to sound exactly like a regular old father when speaking about the subject of finances:

" As a very important source of strength and security, cherish public credit. One method of preserving it is to use it as sparingly as possible...avoiding the accumulation of debt, not only by shunning occasions of expense, but by vigorous exertions in time of peace to discharge the debts which unavoidable wars have occasioned."

Something tells me that the time traveling Washington never caught a glimpse of our debt clock, because surely the sum of 30 trillion would have literally killed him.

When he finally turns his attention to foreign policy, he begins to get quite worked up:

" Against the insidious wiles of foreign influence( I conjure you to believe me,fellow-citizens), the jealously of a free people ought to be constantly awake.

Whoa, settle down George! But, he wasn't finished. He proceeds to plead with us to avoid entangling alliances...especially with the Europeans:

" Europe has a set of primary interests, which to us have none or a very remote relation. Hence she must be engaged in frequent controversies. Hence therefore it must be unwise in us to implicate ourselves, by artificial ties, in the ordinary vicissitudes of her politics."

Vicissitudes, indeed Mr. President! Substitute Israel or any other Middle Eastern nation for "Europe" in the above paragraph and you've essential got Rand Paul's foreign policy!

George Washington was no saint. He was a slave owner, and as President sometimes failed to follow his own advice. But, he was a great man. One of the things that made him great was that rarest of traits in great public figures...genuine humility. When listening to the candidates for president speak on the campaign trail, I long to hear from anyone of them something approaching this:

" In reviewing the incidents of my administration, I am unconscious of intentional error, I am nevertheless too sensible of my defects not to think it probable that I may have committed many errors. Whatever they may be, I fervently beseech the Almighty to avert or mitigate the evils to which they may tend. I shall also carry with me the hope that my country will never cease to view them with indulgence and that, after forty-five years of my life dedicated to its service with upright zeal, the faults of incompetent abilities will be consigned to oblivion, as myself must soon be to the mansions of rest."

A true Patriot will find it difficult to read that paragraph without a lump in the throat. God bless you, Mr. President. May we be worthy of the nation born of your tireless efforts. And may those who aspire to lead us in this day learn from the matchless example of your character.

Election Prediction

Big election tomorrow. There are lots of polls out there saying conflicting things. Nobody really knows how it’s going to turn out. But none of this uncertainty is going to stop me from offering my decidedly unscientific prediction. So…after minutes of thought with heavy reliance on my gut instincts, trick knee, and a close inspection of the tea leaves, I have been able to narrow it down to two possible outcomes, which as far as predictions go, is better than nothing.

Outcome #1

In a stunning development that sends shock waves across the American political landscape, Donald Trump wins in a landslide, winning 58% of the vote and over 300 electoral votes, buoyed by a record turnout among white men. The New York Times headline on Wednesday morning screams, Revenge of the Angry White Male. Terrified at the prospect of the first female president and convinced that their country was being overtaken by transsexual illegal immigrants, white men turn out in record numbers, baffling pollsters and pundits alike. The Atlantic magazine publishes a story calling it The White Wave, while Time Magazine dubs the Angry White Male Person of the Year. 

Outcome #2

Despite being behind most of the night, Kamala Harris wins a narrow victory when a tide of Democratic votes come in after midnight, giving her 52% of the popular vote and a narrow electoral college victory. Donald Trump immediately declares the election rigged and demands that every election worker in states that he lost be arrested. Americans wake up on Wednesday morning to riots in most major cities, declarations of war from militia groups across the country, and the news that Donald Trump has set up a Government in Exile in Mar-a-Lago.

Although most of this blogpost is very much tongue-in-cheek, the fact that both of these outcomes seem totally believable to me—makes this post perhaps this most scandalous thing I’ve ever written.