Surgery Postponed. I ramp Up My Joke Game.

Ok, so yesterday was supposed to be the day that my friend had her long anticipated surgery. Unfortunately, her body wouldn’t cooperate. She just hasn’t recovered enough from the chemo to endure major surgery yet. Something about platelets and neutrophils being too low. Needless to say, she was disappointed. But after venting about the unfairness of it all for five minutes, she began to see the wisdom in waiting just a couple weeks until she is stronger and her body is better able to endure such an operation. In other words, she wallowed in bitterness and self pity just long enough to remind me that she is human, then righted the ship and began to be thankful for God’s blessings once again. “I’m just trusting God, Doug. He’s got this.”

What was my contribution to her predicament? I reminded her that because the surgery got put off for three weeks, that meant that she was guaranteed three more weeks of my awesome jokes. If there was such a thing as a gun to the head eye roll emoji, she would have used it! 

Well, because of her spiritual insights to the news, I decided to go with a few religious-themed jokes:

What did the atheist say upon dying and meeting God?

“Well, I’ll be damned.”

Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.

She made it clear that she wasn’t about to tolerate any nun scents.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter.

She went down to the Bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible? Noah.

He floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Why are there so many old people in church?

They’re cramming for the finals.

After she read these jokes she called the emergency 911 hospital number to she if they could slip her in this weekend!

Technology and Me

My son sent me a text yesterday with a picture from his hotel room in New Orleans. He is there on business and wanted me to know that he was in my old stomping ground. I lived there for three years from 1965-1968 while my Dad attended Seminary. I started thinking about the old cramped two bedroom apartment where all six of us lived back in those days. Just in case Patrick got a chance to do some sightseeing I thought maybe he would like to visit the place to check out where his dear old dad used to live. So, I FaceTimed my older brother and asked if he remembered our old address. Of course he did. My brother has a photographic memory for useless information, but can’t remember where he put his car keys...it’s a family trait!

A little later my brother sent me the following text:

Nice seeing you just now. Have we lived to see almost unimaginable tech advances since our youth? At Bluefield there was one men’s dorm, one cafeteria, and 1 pay phone on the wall entering the 3 story hotel. Now, every kid in grade school and even kindergarten has an iPhone, with more computer power than the ones used in the Apollo program! Unbelievable!

Unbelievable indeed. We are all beneficiaries of these technological miracles. We enjoy their conveniences every day. They have made our lives infinitely easier and more efficient. I wouldn’t want to go back to the way things were fifty years ago and neither would you. 

But, I feel so disconnected from technology. Yes, I use it, but I don’t understand it. In many ways, I am intimidated by computers. I don’t understand the language that tech people use when discussing it. Younger people seem to swim gracefully in the currents of technology, while I flail around gasping for air. Nothing I’ve done better illustrates my technological limitations more clearly than recent experiences trying to self publish my book. I will not bore you with the details, partly because that would be unforgivably boring, but mostly because...the details...escape me. That’s the problem. I don’t understand the details. Even when I think I’m beginning to grasp them, fifteen minutes later they vaporize and I’m back to being dazed and confused. If my writing is ever going to see the light of day in any substantial way, I will need someone else—possibly multiple someone else’s—to take over the details. Apparently, I am incapable of anything other than conceiving and writing the story. After that I turn into a bumbling idiot. 

Thoughts on the Death of Kobe Bryant

Professional basketball fell off my radar screen two decades ago. I was once a serious fan back in the Magic/Bird/Jordan days, but as I got older I lost interest. Today, I still know who most of the stars are but if you asked me to name the starting five of any team in the NBA I would be lost. But, I knew who Kobe Bryant was, and his tragic death yesterday felt like a blow to me. It’s funny how it is when famous people die unexpectedly. You feel an intimacy with the loss that you haven’t earned.

Over the next few days tributes will pour in from all sources of the media in praise of Kobe Bryant. This is good and proper. He was an iconic athlete and personality with millions of devoted fans all over the world. As a player he was one of the top five to ever play the game, I would think, although true basketball fans may argue the point. He played with a flair and flamboyance that few others had, and a fierce competitiveness that perhaps only Michael Jordan could top. But beyond his skill as a basketball player, I have no idea what kind of man he was. Yes, I do remember the 2003 sexual assault charge against him. I remember being disappointed in him at the time. But through all of that ugliness he and his wife managed to save their marriage and have four beautiful daughters, one of whom perished with her father on that ill-fated helicopter ride.

To learn of the death of anyone at age 41 feels like a blow. Then to learn that a 13 year old child was lost makes it even more jarring. One minute the man was on top of the world, fabulously rich, adored by millions, his future as limitless as the imagination. Then he gets on his private helicopter with eight others, a few minutes later the engine sputters and everything that was Kobe Bryant ends in a fireball on a hillside outside of Los Angeles. In the twinkling of an eye...

My life doesn’t resemble Kobe Bryant’s. I am not fabulously rich, or adored by millions. I’m more like comfortably well off and well- liked by tens. But, just like Kobe Bryant, I am flesh and blood. I am perishable. I am infinitely destructible. Kobe and I share one thing...our mortality. One day, for all of us, this life will end. And when it does, we all become equal. 

So, I pray for his family, although I don’t know anything about them. I mourn his untimely death although I never knew him, we never spoke a word. And I will think more about what sort of legacy I will leave behind when it’s my turn to become equal with all who have gone before me.

Bubba’s Oil Fire Killers

Crazy story...

A buddy of mine decided to quit his job and head down to Texas to become a wildcat oil man. It was a mid-life crisis sort of thing and he had plenty of money to get started so he went for it. Before long he had a few wells and was learning on the job. Things were going great until one day when one of his wells caught on fire. Well, my friend knew just enough about the oil business to be dangerous but didn’t know the first thing about how to put out an oil well fire. So, he did what anyone else in 2020 would do...he Googled it...and sure enough, four or five oil fire extinguishing companies came up. He called the first one and the guy wanted $25,000 to put the fire out. My friend thought that was a ripoff so he called the next one but discovered that he too wanted $25,000. Finally he got to the last company...Bubba’s Oil Fire Killers. My friend hesitated at the name but called because he was desperate. Bubba himself answered and said not only would he would put the fire out for $5,000, but he could be there within the hour! My friend was thrilled and hired him on the spot.

About an hour later, off in the distance, Bubba’s Oil Fire Killers truck appeared at the crest of the hill. It was a long flatbed truck with wooden side panels packed to the gills with men. There must have been fifty guys crammed in the back of that truck. My friend watched as the truck started descending down the hill to the burning oil well. The truck began picking up speed. As my friend watched he thought that maybe the truck was going too fast. Before long it was careening down the hill, out of control and headed right into the fire. My friend watched on in horror as the truck crashed into the burning well, sending fifty men flying this way and that. Suddenly he saw the men rolling on the ground while others began waving blankets all around. Within ten minutes and to my friend’s great amazement...the fire was out! He had never seen anything like it before in his life. He cautiously walked over to the truck and watched Bubba writing something on a clipboard. Then Bubba got out and handed my friend the bill for $5,000. 

My friend said, “Bubba, I have to say, that’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Your guys put that fire out in five minutes. Your method seemed unorthodox but it sure did work.”

Then he handed Bubba a check for $5,000

“So, Bubba,” my friend said. “It sure didn’t take you very long to earn this money. What are you gonna do with $5,000?”

Bubba looked at my friend and said...”Well, the first thing I’m gonna do is fix the brakes on that truck.”

My Friend, My Book, and Wong’s Tacos

So, here’s a snippet of a conversation I had with my friend this morning:

Me: So...any blood in the toilet this morning?

Pam: No blood. PTL. They put me on antibiotics for a UTI. They will do another blood test Tuesday to decide about surgery.

Me: Can you believe I just asked you that question? Can you even imagine that you and I would ever be talking about blood in the toilet?

Pam: NO!! It’s crazy. I consider you like my brother...

Me: ...your annoying bossy brother.

Pam: Exactly.

Yesterday she had a rough go of it. She ended up back at UVA where they discovered that her platelets had fallen to a point where she won’t be able to have surgery. She has seven days to get them up to appropriate levels or they will have to postpone the operation. To do this will require lots of rest and dietary adjustments. The rest part is difficult for her. She is ADHD and antsy as all get out—-just like me. But, she will have to dial it back and rest or pay the consequences. To that end I have been fussing at her...a lot.

So, say a prayer for my high strung, stubborn friend that she would be able to rest and eat properly over the next week.

In other news, I picked up the first proof of my book from the printer yesterday. Pam will be reading over it, looking for typos etc this weekend. Pretty exciting stuff...

One more thing. Last night, Pam and I tried a new place for dinner, Wong’s Tacos. Oh. My. Goodness. Its one of those fusion joints, a delectable mashup of Asian and Mexican cuisine. I had three tacos and a spring roll appetizer that were so delicious I nearly cried. It felt like the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

The Kids Are Alright

I have written many times in this space about my experiences with teenagers during the time I was involved in youth ministry at Grove Avenue. So many years have passed since those days there’s always the danger that I have romanticized the experience beyond recognition. We tend to do that with our memories. But yesterday I was reminded of why I loved working with teenagers so much. I received a long text from one of my favorite kids from those years. She is now a grown woman with a grown up job in another state. Before I share her words with you, a little background.

All teenagers might be created equal, but they don’t stay equal for long. Some of them, by the time I got them were disasters. Others were fragile flowers who I couldn’t imagine surviving in the real world as adults. Still others looked to me like sure things, confident, smart and engaging. In my ten years of youth ministry I met all kinds of kids, but I always seemed to have a soft spot for the ones with the rougher edges. These were the kids who asked the hardest questions, the ones who didn’t always say or do the right thing. They could be counted on to say just about anything, often inappropriate things. In other words, these were the kids who reminded me of exactly who I was at 17. This girl was one of those kids.

Each year, a group of kids would graduate out of the group and either go off to college or out into the workforce. Occasionally I would take one of them aside with a proposition that went like this:

“OK, kiddo. I want to make a deal with you. I want to give you something...but there are strings attached!!”

Then I would hand them a clean, crisp $100 bill. Their eyes would light up, but because these were unique kids, their eyes would narrow a bit...”Mister D, what are you up to??”

Then I would explain that this $100 bill was special. I wanted them to fold it neatly and hide it in their wallet and forget that it’s in there for a while. “One day,” I would say, “this $100 dollar bill is going to come in handy. There’s no telling what it might do. You might be presented with an investment opportunity, there might be an emergency that comes up where this forgotten 100 bucks will come to the rescue, the possibilities are endless. But there’s a catch....whatever you spend it on and no matter where you are when you do...you have to track me down and tell me the story.”

So, yesterday, I got this:

Hey Mister D! I can’t believe I forgot to tell you about this when it happened!  I drove to the Atlanta airport and parked my car in long term parking to go home for Christmas and the whole ride on the shuttle bus, I just kept thinking I wanted to give the driver the $100 bill. I’d never had such an overwhelming feeling about it all the years I’ve had it. He was just this sweet older middle aged black man talking about barbeque and his family, nothing special or that gave an impression he was particularly in need. But I got off the shuttle, told him about how you’d given me something when I graduated and said if I ever felt compelled to give it to someone, I should. And that I’d had it for almost 7 years and never felt compelled but I did tonight, and handed him the bill. He got teary eyed and hugged me and told me I’d blessed him and we wished each other a merry Christmas and I left to get on my flight! I don’t know how it blessed him or to what extent, but I really felt the Holy Spirit compelling me for some reason I’ll probably never know. I had actually forgotten about it since moving to Georgia, and sitting on the bus all of a sudden I just thought, “you have that $100 bill in your wallet” and couldn’t stop feeling that I needed to give it to him.

When I read this note emotions started welling up in me from all over the place. I pictured this spunky kid embracing the stunned shuttle driver, two total strangers hugging in an airport parking lot, wishing each other a merry Christmas. He will tell the story of the crazy white girl who gave him a $100 dollar bill with a tear in his eye for the rest of his life. How much will that story, that memory, be worth to him?

Nowadays, in some circles, it has become fashionable to rag on Millennials. Well, I worked with two or three hundred of them more than a decade ago before anyone was throwing that word around as an epitaph. I publish this story in part because it was such a blessing to me, but also as a reminder of something I know for a fact...the kids are alright.

Dinner With My Friend

Some disjointed thoughts after a very, very long day yesterday...

- Very relieved that the huge gun rights rally at the Capital proceeded so peacefully. With such a throng of people packed into such a small place, mixed with high passion and thousands of firearms, it could easily have degenerated into a catastrophe. The fact that it didn’t speaks well not only of the attendees, but also the law enforcement men and women in charge of security. Well done.

- Left the house at 7:00am. 700 miles later, rolled back into Short Pump at 10:00pm. Along the way I was able to have dinner with these people...

That’s my friend on the left sporting the latest in Cancer-chic headwear, her husband in the middle—the rose between two thorns—and her daughter on the right. This was the first time I had actually visited her since all this started. She made homemade soup. There were barbecued ribs and a ridiculous chocolate concoction for dessert. She kept apologizing for how she looked. “I have no hair. My skin is peeling off my hands and this hoodie makes me look fat!” To which I say...balderdash. 

I was expecting the worst. After everything this woman has endured for the past five months, I was expecting a hollowed out, emaciated  shell. Instead, she greeted me at the door with her customary smile, running her mouth a mile a minute like always. Yes, she has clearly been through a war and has the scars to prove it, but it’s still her, same smile, same personality, same generosity, same unquenched optimism.

But seriously y’all ...she has got to get well soon. This morning’s jokes...

“Happy day, friend.” 

 

Shameless Plug Time

  “Everyone knows him as a good man, proud father, loving husband, and successful businessman. But when Jack Rigsby’s wife is brutally murdered in the parking lot of a convenience store his life descends into an abyss of guilt and grief, made worse by the discovery that her killer has a connection to a secret from his past. Saving Jack is a story of betrayal, secrets, grief and the limits of forgiveness.”

 

This...is happening. It’s at the printer. Haven’t figured out the e-book thing yet, but the paperbacks are on the way. If you want one, let me know. $10

The Astros and Sign Stealing

This past week was the week that baseball lost its collective mind. The hammer came down on the Houston Astros for sign stealing during the 2017 World Series. Their GM and Manager both got fired along with two other big league managers implicated in the scandal. For Major League Baseball this is a big deal, the biggest scandal since the steroid debacle fifteen years ago. First, a tutorial:

So, the Astros brass figured out a way to steal signs by watching a monitor back in the clubhouse of the opposing catcher giving the pitcher signs for what to pitch. As soon as the guys figured out the sequence of signs they would bang on a trash can in the hallway between the clubhouse and the dugout loudly enough for the batter to hear. My understand is the only thing that was communicated by the trash can banging was whether the pitch was a fastball or an off speed pitch, but just that information would be invaluable for a big league hitter. Which is why baseball players have been stealing signs since Christ was a corporal. What makes this sign stealing different, I suppose, is the level of technological sophistication. Especially after an unproven rumor began circulating that several Astros hitters were wearing small devices under their uniforms that buzzed before each pitch to alert them to what was coming. What a mess.

Here’s my take on all of this. Baseball, despite its reputation as an unchanging game mired in its history and traditions, actually has changed quite a lot during the 50 years or so that I have been a deranged fan. In the late 1960’s and early 1970’s, when I fell in love with the game, players tried to steal signs all the time. Some were more successful than others, but sign stealing was ubiquitous. Whenever a runner would reach second base he would peer in to try to decipher what signs the opposing catcher was sending the pitcher and then by some facial expression or hand gesture try to relay that info to his teammate in the batter’s box. Smarter pitchers and catchers changed their signs frequently during games to combat this thievery. Other pitchers, like Bob Gipson or Don Drysdale, if they suspected a player was attempting to steal signs would simply aim a 90 miles per hour fastball at the offending player’s ear hole...and that would take care of that. Back then, if sign stealing got “out of hand” the players themselves would put a stop to it by setting players up...putting down a sign for a curve ball, then busting the guy high and tight with heat, knocking the poor guy on his ass. Today, that sort of thing is frowned upon in the big leagues. You throw a pitch anywhere near a guy’s head and you get a warning from the umpire. The next one brings your ejection. Sometimes even curve balls that drift too far inside make modern players want to fight. It’s a different game.

But, having said all that, the Astros did cross a line. The lengths they went to, the technology they set up, all the subterfuge seemed excessive. So, I support the firings of the Astros brass. But, at the same time, I know that probably over half the teams in baseball steal signs, maybe not as expertly as the Astros, but they steal signs nonetheless. And these punishments will not end sign stealing in baseball. Every business, at the highest levels always seeks out edges. Everybody looks for an advantage over the competition. It’s part of how human beings are hardwired. So, part of me rolls my eyes when I hear all these baseball fans taking to their fainting couches over this...I’m shocked, shocked to discover cheating in baseball!!! Please people. Give me a break!

Terror in Texas

Bloodthirsty Squirrel Leaves 2 Hospitalized, Neighbors Hiding Out During Daytime

I saw this screaming headline on Drudge this morning and immediately felt sweet vindication. Many of you have rolled your collective eyes at my determination to rid my property of these tree rats. Doug, you all said, they’re adorable...God’s creatures, learn to coexist in harmony with them, you all said. Well, this is what happens to you when you start playing nice with these killers.

“When I stepped outside the door he leaped on me and bit my arm, I pulled him off, threw him to the ground, and tried to get in the house,” said French-Amezquita. “I couldn’t get in the house because he came back, he bit this leg.”

My heart goes out to poor Mrs. French-Amezquita. But reading through this sad story I came across this statement:

“Residents have contacted both animal control and the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department but were told that until someone traps the squirrel they cannot remove it.”

Excuse me? This isn’t Connecticut or Massachusetts we’re talking about here, this is freaking Don’t Mess With Texas!! The only option these fine people have of ridding themself of this outrageous menace is to trap the thing? Wait...WHAT?? I am told that there are 750,000 legally registered firearms in the State of Texas, making Texas the most heavily armed state in the Union. It would seem to me that someone in the Bridgeland Shores neighborhood of Houston needs to grow a pair, march over to Mrs. French-Amezquita’s place with a a shotgun and a box of shells and rain down some hell-fire justice on this marauding killer. Order needs to be restored in Bridgeland Shores. People need to be able to walk outside onto their decks without fear of being attacked. I mean, what in Sam Hill is the 2nd Amendment for if not this??

Ralph Northern’s Gun Ban

My opinion of Ralph Northern is well known to readers of this blog. I consider old blackface an embarrassment to the Commonwealth, a virtue signaling moron and a pandering idiot. But right now he is getting ripped for doing the right thing by people who should know better.

Yesterday, the Governor declared that guns would be banned on the grounds of the State Capital for the duration of a planned gun rights rally to be held there next Monday. The ban will be lifted the following day. He has declared a state of emergency for the day of the rally. He claims that the State Police have received credible threats of violence for the upcoming event which prompted the move. Gun rights advocates have been hyperventilating on social media ever since declaring this the beginning of the end for America. Time out.

Two years ago, a similar gathering of citizens in Charlottesville ended in death and violence. The city government was ravaged for its lack of planning and foresight. Now, with that horrible memory no doubt on his mind, he seems concerned with avoiding another Charlottesville. Accordingly, he has not only moved to ban guns but also anything else that could serve as a weapon like baseball bats, sticks, shields and clubs. Social media has become inundated with far right militia groups vowing to attend (many from out of state). The governor is not canceling the rally, but he is trying to remove the potential for violence. If he does possess credible threats of violence and does nothing to try to stop it, these same people ripping him for the ban would crucify him for inaction. In light of the current raised level of passion and intensity in our politics, it seems to me to be a justified precaution, a prudent preemptive action to protect the safety of all the protesters. It’s a 24 hour ban on weapons on the grounds of the State Capital during a gun rights rally in 2020, but to hear the gun rights crowd tell it, Ralph Northern is the new Joe Stalin, preparing his shock troops for door to door confiscation. Listen, just because our Governor is a dork doesn’t mean that every single thing he does is an assault on liberty.

I am not naive. I fully understand where the Governor stands on gun rights. He and his Party are in favor of restrictions on the second amendment that I don’t believe are constitutional. But that’s not what this is. This is a Governor being cautious about a pending rally that might be attended by members of militia groups with reputations for violence. Now, he claims to be in possession of evidence of credible threats of such violence. What if he is lying? Suppose his “evidence” is bogus and he is merely using it as an excuse to curb the rights of citizens, even if it is for only 24 hours? That would be different. But I haven’t arrived yet at the place where I must ascribe nefarious motives to every move a politician who I don’t particularly care for makes. I assume that if he says the State Police has credible threats...they have credible threats. In which case he is doing what any Governor would and should do.

Even old Blackface, like a broken clock, can be right at least twice a day.

Spinning Plates and Juggling Chainsaws

Today is January the 15th, two weeks into the new year and I’m already feeling overwhelmed. A little like this guy...

...minus the tattoos. 

Multi-tasking is the thing. Everyone of us is asked to multi-task all the time. The ability to do more than one thing at a time, competently, is a basic requirement of adult life. It’s nothing new, this multi-tasking thing. My mother called it “having a lot of irons in the fire.” Of course, women have been multi-tasking since the dawn of time. They can make lunches for three kids, cook breakfast, make a grocery list, lay out clothes for everyone, drink coffee, line up a car pool, put on mascara, and finish up a lesson plan for 30 first graders all before 7:30 in the morning. Men can multi-task too, but we tend to complain about it more...like this blog writer.

Here’s the thing, I have always had multiple plates spinning simultaneously in my head. Kinda like this guy...

I could be working up a proposal for a client, setting appointments, paying bills, arguing with a colleague, and reading the box scores all at the same time without missing a beat. I can still do all these things. But when I do them all at the same time, more often than not, the proposal for my client features a spirited discussion of why it is that my stupid colleague thinks that the National’s starting pitcher shouldn’t have been yanked from last night’s game after only 116 pitches and oh by the way, my cable bill is past due. These days I am forced to spend money on expensive apps that help me remember stuff. Although they are worth every penny, they aren’t foolproof. Just the other day I noticed on my phone log that a client had called 24 hours ago. There wasn’t a red check mark beside her name indicating that I had returned her call. I pride myself in always returning client calls same day, so I briefly panicked. Did I return her call? I honestly couldn’t remember! I had no choice but to call her and make sure:

Me: Hello Peggy. Listen, I hate to do this but...did I call you back yesterday?

Peggy: (cackling laughter) Doug! What? Do you have Alzheimer’s?? Of course you did! You answered my question and I took your advice.

Me: (nervous laughter) ...ha...well that’s a relief!

Then it all came back to me. I remembered the call and the conversation. All is well.

Yesterday afternoon within a matter of ten minutes, I answered three telephone calls from clients asking three different questions about three totally different things, all of which required an answer within the next hour. After hanging up the phone my cell buzzed at me with an urgent email from my accountant reminding me that I had to file a form I had never previously been required to file before the end of the week. Then I received a text from a friend with disturbing medical news concerning a mutual friend. Then a report from another friend about a doctor’s appointment gone bad. Then my phone buzzed: “Doug, your 2:00 appointment is here.” No, I hadn’t forgotten that I had a 2:00 appointment, but how in God’s name could it possibly be 2:00 already??!! I quickly tidied up, sat the client’s file on my desk and confidently strolled out to the lobby, the very picture of professional calm. Inside I’m thinking...How many days until Maine?

Three Weeks Until Iowa...handicapping the field!

Yesterday’s stunning news that Cory Booker, aka Spartacus, has exited the Presidential race means that the Democratic Party will not be nominating a person of color as their candidate in 2020. Now the choice seems to have boiled down to one woman and four men, three of whom qualify as members of the single most despised demographic in the hierarchy of identity politics that is the modern Democratic Party—old white men. With just three weeks left until the Iowa caucuses, what follows is my attempt to handicap the field. Admittedly, this is like an anthropological experiment, akin to a westerner observing a tribe of pygmies in their natural habitat in the Amazon. All of these people seem alien to my experiences and beliefs about how the world works and there is only one of them who I would want to have a beer with, more on that later, but nonetheless here goes:

Elizabeth Warren

At one point not very long ago she was the odds on favorite. She is an accomplished and committed leftist who in a pinch could check the minority box with her Native American roots. She seems sufficiently angry enough to appeal to the dominant progressive base which prizes righteous indignation at the moment. But something has stalled in her campaign. The money isn’t coming in like it was. Her standing in the polls has slipped. I honestly have no idea why. But she is still a formidable candidate. I wouldn’t write her off. Chances of winning the nomination? 5-1

Bernie Sanders

Very old. Very white. Very angry. Very formidable. He’s proudly Socialist at a time when that is considered an asset, not a liability in the Democratic Party. He’s the guy who worries the establishment wing of the Party. It is rumored that he is the candidate that Trump most wants to run against. He has the juice right now. His crowds are teeming with the young and the restless. He’s got his 5 million donors. He’s promising free everything and no more wars and seems sincere on both counts. He also is fresh off a heart scare. Chances of winning the nomination? 6-1

Joe Biden

Very old. Very white. Big, toothy smile. A little slow on the uptick. Reminds everyone in America of their favorite Uncle. He seems all wrong for the moment at which his Party and the country has arrived. But his name recognition and his association with Obama is a powerful formula, especially with black voters, no small contingency in the Democratic Party. His chances at winning the nomination? 4-1

Pete Buttigieg 

Young smart and even tempered, this midwestern small town mayor who, thanks to his sexual orientation appeals to the deep pockets in Hollywood, is the candidate who won’t go away for the Democrats. He has that one ingredient that all the other candidates lack and envy...authenticity. This guy is bright, thoughtful, pleasant, and served his country in the military. In case you’re wondering, he’s the only one in the field who I wouldn’t mind having a beer with, getting to know. I would hear this guy out. He has the maturity and level-headedness that Americans want in a President. Chances that the Democratic Party will roll the dice on a gay mayor? 20-1

Michael Bloomberg

The latest billionaire attempting to spend his way into the White House. His record setting media buy has launched this particular vanity project into the first tier of candidates. But he’s also a little long in the tooth and his New York City resume isn’t likely to attract very many heartlanders. But, he’s a fast talking politician with money to back up his mouth. This is 2020 and anything can happen, I suppose. Chances at him being successful buying the nomination? 10-1

Yes, I know...there are other candidates still in the race. But none of them are worth mentioning because none of them have a chance. 

My Friend’s Medical Bills

Talk about your boring blog topics—it doesn’t get worse than—health insurance. But the subject came up this morning with my friend. I will do my best to make this interesting. I will do so with plenty of sarcasm and wisecracks, no doubt, but don’t confuse that with flippancy. This is a deadly serious topic for my friend.

Thankfully, she has great insurance. She is covered under her husband’s generous plan through his employer. So far, her cancer ordeal has cost her only the total of her maximum out of pocket limit which is absurdly low! Her plan runs from June to June, so at the end of May she will be on the hook for another out of pocket limit. But again, it is a small and very manageable number. Everything else will be paid by her insurance company, permanently taking her off their Christmas card list.

So far, she has been battling this nightmare for just over five months. There have been tons of doctor’s visits, six chemo treatments and a seemingly endless parade of medications to help her deal with its effects. But, there hasn’t been any surgery or extended hospitalizations. When she told me the total price tag so far I was mortified. $600,000...and she hasn’t even had surgery yet! Just imagine how much an eight hour surgical procedure will run, not to mention the six additional weeks of radiation. Worst case scenario would include an additional year of chemo. My mathematical skills aren’t what you would call elite, but just some entry level extrapolation makes it clear that this thing might end up costing over two million dollars. Let me write that out for you. $2,000,000. That’s ten Lamborghini’s. That’s three lake houses in Maine. With two million dollars you could buy enough sausage to feed everyone in Pittsburgh for a year. While it’s certainly true that you can’t place a monetary value on a human life, two million clams is still a lot of money.

Is it worth it? What kind of utilitarian nonsense question is that? Of course it’s worth it. But, suppose my friend didn’t have health insurance? Or suppose she had accidentally let it lapse because she forgot to pay the premium? Suppose her husband’s employer decided to stop providing subsidized insurance to their employees?  Suppose he got laid off and couldn’t afford the Cobra premiums? Thankfully, none of these things happened and my friend is mercifully shielded from the financial death that enduring this would surely bring without health insurance. But what about those not so fortunate?

I would imagine that the only thing worse than going through a life and death cancer war would be going through a life and death cancer war...without health insurance. 

As most of you know, I have had a life long aversion to and suspicion of powerful, centralized government. Second only to my aversion and suspicion of big government has been my aversion to and suspicion of big business. In this country there is no business bigger than health insurance. So I am in a classic bind on the subject of government run health insurance. Should we leave the frying pan of profit driven big business-run care for the fire of government bureaucrat-run care? Should we trade in the bean counting accountants at Anthem for the paper pushing apparatchiks at the Department of Health and Human Services? Would you rather have to deal with the soulless money grubbers at the insurance company or DMV style morons? It is a vexing questions with no good answers. But when I hear of $600,000 chemo bills I start to wonder...is it even possible for government run health care to be any worse? At least with the government nobody would have to declare bankruptcy after getting a cancer diagnosis. The country might go bankrupt...but we could cross that bridge when we get to it.

One more thing. I just got my Anthem bill in the mail. I got my annual rate increase. It wasn’t horrible...only went up 7%. So starting next month i will be paying $1458 a month for a $3500 deductible plan for the two of us. Add to that the $400 a month I will deposit in my Health Savings Account to cover that deductible and you’re talking over $22,000 of my income after taxes goes to insure that I won’t be bankrupted by an unexpected diagnosis.

Something is extraordinarily screwed up about that. Don’t you think?

Good Luck, Kids

Ordinarily, I would say that there isn’t anything in the universe that I care less about than the British Royal Family. I fully understand that this view places me in the minority in my country, not to mention my own family. Around here any royal wedding is must see TV. My sister is a lifelong Anglophile. I like England well enough but my view essentially has always been...You guys are fine, but your monarchy is silly and pretentious and...oh yeah...we kicked your ass 240 years ago to prove it.

But this week comes news that these kids have had enough and are actually trying to quit the royal family!

Apparently they are sick and tired of living in the bubble of British tabloid scrutiny. I guess they’ve had it up to here with ribbon cutting photo opps and the most overbearing and powerful mother in law in the history of civilization. No doubt, the Queen is royally pissed. My first reaction to this news was...Wow. Good for them! It takes some guts to give the finger to the House of Windsor. But, it was inevitable really. There was no way an American girl was going to put up that foolishness for long. The red-haired guy should have known that from the get go. I mean, just look at her...can you imagine her walking around a castle wearing white gloves and stupid hats all day?

First reports were of a planned move to Canada. Perfect. Then word came that Harry was looking for work now that their royal allowance was getting cut off. Another good idea. But then the news turned troubling. It was learned that they might be headed to Hollywood. No, no no no. You don’t exchange one out of touch, entitled fantasy world for another! Then even worse news...the ex-royal couple were being advised by that noted down to earth everywoman...Oprah. Frying pan? Meet fire.

It remains to be seen how this all plays out. I hope they are able to create a better life for themselves. I really do. But when Vegas posts odds on how long their marriage lasts post royal family, over or under five years....I’m taking the under.

My New Normal

Agenda Items For Today, January 8, 2020...

1. Attend to swollen and puffy eye with Benadryl and cold compress

2. Stand in freezing cold on my deck in my pajamas while waiting for neurotic dog to relieve herself

3. Try to comprehend vagaries of the human experience that cause the S&P futures to go from down 400 to up 60 literally overnight.

4. Make an appearance at Bennett Funeral Home to show respect for long time friend’s deceased mother.

5. Drop by hospital to visit long time friend who just underwent quadruple bypass operation.

6. Design new investment strategy for dear client who has been informed that he only has two years to live due to incurable bone cancer.

7. Meet with two clients for annual reviews.

8. Submit complicated and corrected paperwork to change ownership and beneficiaries of the vast holdings of client who passed away late last year, including Power of Attorney documentation since surviving spouse is incapacitated with Alzheimer’s.

9. Go to gym for workout to fight suddenly ballooning weight.

....Welcome to life in your sixties.

Friend Update

My courageous friend is finally finished her three months of chemo. From my perspective it has been like watching a horror film, one grisly scene a day, a Chinese water torture of agony. But each day she answers the bell with an optimism and gratitude that at times borders on the miraculous. Sometimes I want her to just scream and cry and lash out at the unfairness of it all. That’s what I would do after the third of fourth trip to the bathroom, three days after my first treatment. But not my friend. After three excruciatingly difficult months of this poison she still throws around words like thankful and grateful. Instead of bitterness and anger, she speaks of counting her blessings.

This is not to suggest that she hasn’t had her moments of despair. How could she not? But they have been rare, quickly overcome with a dignified determination to overcome. “I’m sorry, but this morning I feel like a whiny baby,” she offers by way of explanation for her rare lapses into anger, actually apologizing to me for her ill temper. I just shake my head in amazement.

Next up is surgery at the end of the month. Further treatment plans will be dependent upon the results of that surgery. In the meantime, the chemo is over with, a major hurdle endured and overcome.

As we enter the fourth month of our daily morning conversations, my inventory of dad jokes has been throughly depleted. I have been scraping the bottom of the barrel of late with some truly pathetic stuff, like these beauties:

My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk...

What do you call a sheep who has been dipped in chocolate?

A Hershey baaaaaaaa.

Did you hear that over a thousand dollars worth of Viagra was stollen from the CVS yesterday?

The police are looking for hardened criminals.

The fact that she still laughs has me worried that the chemo may have warped her sense of humor. Either the chemo or continuous exposure to my material. Regardless, yet more collateral damage!

So, if you are reading this, say a prayer for my friend today. And if you are cancer free, add a prayer of thanks.

Time To Saddle Up

Like many of you, my professional life has been in limbo since roughly the 20th of December. Sure, I’ve been into the office on several occasions since that last Friday before Christmas, but not an awful lot of serious work has gotten done since the beginning of the Holiday Season. That all ends this morning. I will trudge in early, put on a pot of coffee and gird my loins for my 38th year in my chosen profession.

2020 will be like most of the previous ten years or so. From January through the end of May I will cram my schedule full of appointments with clients, one annual review after another. I will meet with them, go over their accounts, access their results, update their risk tolerances and suggest any changes that might be appropriate. When I walk out to the reception area to greet them I will immediately notice when one of them is ill. It happens almost every year, at least once. In the 12 months since I have seen him or her, they’ve gotten sick. I can see it in their eyes. It always stops me short. It is a disturbing thing to be confronted by the relentless pursuit of mortality.

By May 31st I will have grown extremely tired of the sound of my own voice. At least once during this five months of frenzied activity I will loose my voice entirely. It will occur to me more than once that I probably should space these reviews out over the entire year instead of front-loading them into the first five months. But, I will remind myself that there is a method to this madness. By doing 70% of my year’s work in the first five months of the year, I free myself up for a summer and early fall full of...Maine. This year there will be two trips, the entire month of July and two, hopefully three weeks in late September, early October. Once I have scratched my Maine itch, I will return for two more intense months of client meetings, then things will slow down again over the holidays. I have used this strategy for several years now and am happy with it, my attempt to achieve the much ballyhooed life-work balance that all the smart kids are talking about. The plus side is that I get to recharge the batteries and step away from the incessant pressure of this business for an extended period of time every year. The down side is...I walk away from a lot of money. As a business owner, I am afforded no “vacation pay.” Time spent away means that productive activities are placed on hold. No work? No new business gets done. Luckily, I have a cracker-jack assistant who keeps the place from catching on fire while I’m away. 

Is the money I lose worth the time I’m away? It’s a fair question for which I have an unequivocal answer...Yes...a thousand times YES.

I do not live to work. The end goal of my life is not the accumulation of wealth or the illusion of safety. I have learned through hard lessons that all of this could be over tomorrow. I am one car wreck, one shadowy x-ray away from losing everything...and so are you. I don’t dwell on this hard truth. If I did I would be miserable. But I do keep the tenuous nature of this life in mind when I make my plans. Ultimately, I work to live and find ways to serve. I battle to keep my eyes and energies focused on the eternal, not the temporal. That’s not always easy, but each year I get better at it.

So, this morning it’s time to saddle up. July will be here before I know it!

A Word About Our Troops

Over the past few days I’ve seen the pictures on television and the internet, long lines of young men and women in dusty brown fatigues loaded down with fifty pounds of gear, marching across tarmacs, climbing into those enormous C17 transport airplanes. There are no military bands playing, no crowds of well-wishers sending them off, just a long line of twenty year olds who volunteered for the job of going to war.

I am always stirred by the sight. Who are these men and women? What possesses them to sign up for such duty? Who do they leave behind? How many will never come back? I am stirred because I am proud of their courage. I am stirred because so many of my ancestors were in the military. And yes...I am stirred because I am a patriot. I love my Country and when I see long lines of troops being deployed I know that we are sending the best men and women we have to offer. But I also know that most of us will forget about them in a week or so once the football playoffs get going. They will fall out of the headlines in our newspapers. Once again it will be impeachment news or campaign coverage. So, while the feelings are tender, I write.

But there is another emotion besides pride that rises in me when I see these long intrepid lines. Sadness. My patriotism is always tempered by sadness. I love them. I’m proud of their devotion and willingness to fight our battles...but why do we keep asking them to do this? Why do we insist on sending thousands of them, year after year, to the same hellish place? Why is every fight our fight?

Our military exists to fight, to attack and defend, to break things and kill people. I fully understand their mission. But what is the existential threat that requires them to give the last full measure of their devotion...in Iraq? Tribal, barbaric, eternally dysfunctional...Iraq? 

When we lost 50,000 men fighting Nazi Germany we all understood that the sacrifice was worth it. When this nation lost nearly 600,000 Americans fighting the Civil War, the cause was just. But what of the modern Middle East? Our Allies are despicable authoritarian regimes (Saudi Arabia). We are killing horrible men with dangerous intentions. But other horrible men rise up like mushrooms after a week of rain as their replacements. They attack our embassy somewhere, a garrison somewhere and we have to respond. Then the cycle continues for what feels like eternity. Why is it that they always attack us? Mostly, because we are every where they look. Our presence in that part of the world is ubiquitous. We are the target because we choose to be. As the world’s policeman, we insist on having a precinct in every God-forsaken neighborhood on the planet. What do we get for all of this police work? Long solemn lines of men and women in dusty brown fatigues, loaded down with fifty pounds of gear climbing into C17 transport planes...and a lump in our throats.

Yes, we pray for them. But perhaps we should also pray for our civilian leadership as well, that at long last there will arise in the halls of  power...wisdom and sound judgment worthy of our military’s courage and devotion.

No Stupid Wars

So, a few days ago a mob of Pro-Iranian protestors attacked the American Embassy in Baghdad, Iraq, this in retaliation for an American military attack on a group of Pro-Iranian fighters in Iraq. Today comes news that the United States has retaliated by unleashing the American military to assassinate the second most powerful man in Iran, a general with a menacing glare named  Soleimani. Now, the Iranian government is issuing threats of massive and relentless retaliation. In other words, absolutely nothing has changed in the Middle East in the 61 years I have been alive on Planet Earth. It is the place where endless retaliation is a reality of daily life, a place where every President in my lifetime has gone searching for a Nobel Prize. It is also a place where American military personnel have been fighting and dying non-stop for the past fifty years. I am told by sophisticated people that we have no choice. American leadership in the Middle East and our participation in the never ending peace process is critical for stability in the region, that if we were to wash our hands of the place it would leave a power vacuum which our enemies, presumably the Russians or the Chinese would be more than happy to exploit. If I persist in arguing otherwise I am dismissed as an isolationist, which I am assured is a terrible thing to be.

Thirty years ago, it was hard to overcome the argument that getting out of the Middle East would jeopardize access to the world’s oil supply. Today, the United States is a net exporter of oil. Forty years ago we were told that our alliance with the State of Israel was not only part of a divine edict from scripture, but crucial to that besieged country’s survival. Today there are twice as many Jewish people living in the United States than there are living in the State of Israel. Meanwhile the Jewish military is routinely ranked among the most powerful and sophisticated units in the world. Past attempts by her enemies at invasion have been embarrassing and disastrous failures. Yet, still, American foreign policy remains firmly committed to an unending military presence in the Middle East and an undimmed determination to support the foreign policy and military goals of the Jewish State. Which brings us to the current President of the United States.

One of the few items of Mr. Trump’s policy agenda that I was on board with back in 2016 was his oft repeated slogan...No Stupid Wars. Moreover, on more than one occasion on the campaign trail, he looked straight into the eyes of the empire wing of NeoCons and flatly declared that the days of endless Middle East wars was over. Now, this.

Donald Trump certainly wouldn’t be the first President to lob a few missiles when in trouble domestically, wagging the dog being a thoroughly bipartisan enterprise, but if he were to do so now, he will have to eat a very bland diet of his own Tweets accusing Barack Obama of doing the exact same thing. Perhaps this missile attack on the Iranian general will be a one off and the routine bluster from the Iranian Government will prove to be just that...bluster. But if not, if we are now once again headed straight for another hot war in the Middle East, somebody please explain to me why we would not want to hand this job off to our enemies?? Let the Russians get bogged down in this quagmire for the next thirty years or so. I can’t think of an authoritative government anywhere who deserves to spend the next thirty years dealing with the hell-hole that is the Middle East more than the Chinese Communists. If either of them would like to fill the void that us leaving would create, I say, let them have it. If they want, we could even throw in the Korean Peninsula in the bargain. Once divested of the headache that is Arab-Israeli conflict the United States could save enough money to balance our budget. We would have enough time and energy left over to cure cancer, figure out health care, provide high speed, low cost internet access to everyone and figure out a way to run the DMV more efficiently. This new foreign policy would even have a name...Instead of “Making the World Safe For Democracy” or The War To End All Wars” or even “Containment”...this new thing would be AMOOB...

America Minding Our Own Business.