That’s Embarrasing

Embarrassing Dispatches From the Aging Frontlines:

So yesterday morning I arrived at the office at the usual time and quickly fell into my normal morning routine. I unlocked the front door. I identified myself by typing in my password at the alarm system keypad, turned on the lights and headed back to my office. I checked the two messages on my answering machine, scribbled a note to myself then walked back to the kitchen to make the coffee. It was at this point when I realized that nobody except me had been in the office all day Monday because of the golf tournament that my partner hosted. Since I had left shortly before the mailman showed up I decided to go out to the mailbox and retrieve yesterday’s mail. Upon my return, I settled in for the day.

At approximately 11:45 I notified my intrepid assistant Kristin that I was leaving to go get lunch. She rolled her eyes and made a vague growling sound as she usually does whenever she is busy working and I am not. Then on the way out the front door I stopped briefly to harass Lindsey, our receptionist extraordinaire, which is something I never once have failed to do. Then...the adventure began.

I threw my briefcase onto the passenger seat of my Cadillac XT5, adjusted the rear view mirror out of habit, then casually pressed the ignition button. Nothing. This could only mean one thing...I had left my car keys in my office. Frustrating, but not all that unusual. I walked back through the front door, aimed a sarcastic comment at Lindsey, blaming her for not reminding me to bring my keys with me, then walked back to my office only to discover that my car keys were nowhere to be found. This couldn’t be right. I could not have gotten in the office without them and couldn’t possibly have driven to work without them. Where the heck were they? Perhaps I left them in the bathroom? Nope. Maybe I laid them on the counter by the coffee maker? Nope. Maybe one of my treacherous office mates had hidden them somewhere trying to be cute. Nope. I went back to my office and began a frantic search through every drawer, crack and crevice. Nothing. Then, in a flicker of embarrassed recognition, a thought occurred to me. I quietly slipped out the back door, retracing my steps from four hours earlier...

Lucky for me no one with felonious intent happened to walk by and notice the Cadillac key fob not twenty feet away from my bright shiny red XTS, proof that God indeed looks after children and the feeble minded.

Insomnia

I’m hoping that two nights does not a trend make, but my history of sleep issues suggests that I might be starting a streak. Two nights ago it was crazy, catastrophic, soul-crushing dreams. Last night it was that feeling that you never once actually fell asleep, you just laid there all night dosing in and out of consciousness. In both cases you wake up totally spent, not a pleasant experience.

So, what exactly do you think about when you’re laying in bed wide awake at 2 o’clock in the morning? Quite a lot, actually. For me it always begins with things left undone. I need to borrow Ron’s power washer and clean the mildew off the front steps...I can’t keep putting that off! Then usually...inevitably, the mind drifts to business concerns. Did I send Client M that quarterly statement they asked for? What the heck is wrong with Capital Income Builder? When was the last time I put together a head shot and bio? Have I ever?? Somewhere during these interminable nights I will begin mulling over past mistakes, missteps, blunders. There’s a long list. Next comes plot lines for a novel I’m writing. Then finally, just before I give up on sleep, I start pondering the mysteries of creation...where did matter come from? It would be one thing if insomnia involved images of beauty or replays of the best moments off my life. But tossing and turning all night while contemplating existential puzzles is exhausting.

I’ve talked to people who say that they go to the kitchen and make themselves a sandwich. Others have claimed that they actually drink warm milk, which I don’t believe for a minute. The last thing I need to accompany insomnia is vomiting! But, once my feet hit the floor, its over. If I’m to have any chance of falling asleep I have to stay in the bed. So, no midnight sandwiches for me. Some people drink a glass or two of wine before bed. But I’ve heard both sides of that argument. For some people it helps them fall asleep, for others it has the opposite effect. 

When you Google Insomnia you find a lot of helpful hints like:

-No TV, cellphone use, or internet surfing while in bed

-Don’t eat right before bed

-No heavy workouts just before bed, but daily exercise is a must

Check, check and check.

Probably the best way to kick insomnia is to not write a blog about it two nights in, which might serve the purpose of elevating it to a place of importance that it does not yet deserve. It’s only been two nights. Of course now that I have, Lord Darth Zuckerburg will bombard my inbox and newsfeed with advertisements for every sleeping aid ever devised by the mind of man for the next two weeks.

But thats a heck of a lot better than warm milk! 

Minneapolis on the Brink

The week of April 19th has the potential to be a terrible one for the nation. Closing arguments in the trial of Police Officer Derek Chauvin, accused of murder in the arrest of George Floyd, are scheduled for today, after which the case will go to the jury. The city of Minneapolis along with many other large cities across the country are like tinder boxes. Adding to the woes in Minneapolis is the recent killing of Daunte Wright during a routine traffic stop by an officer who thought she was using a taser instead of her sidearm, with disastrous results. Giving all of this an even more sinister backdrop is the spate of mass shootings that have sprung up like mushrooms after a week of rain in the past couple of weeks, making America seem like a nation of lunatics. Considering the fact that police officers who go on trial for killing people have a remarkable record of being acquitted, I’m not terribly optimistic that the city of Minneapolis won’t be on fire by the end of the week. If I owned a business within a five mile radius of Brooklyn Center right now I would be double checking to make sure my insurance premiums were all paid up.

Whenever the subject of police behavior comes up in this country its not always wise to offer an opinion. Whatever you say will infuriate a bunch of people. Unfortunately most people have rushed towards the two extreme positions and will accept no compromises. On one end there’s the ridiculous defund the police crowd. At the other end are the obsequious back the blue folks. I am neither. I suppose it fair to say that I do lean towards a more pro-police position than the average citizen of Minneapolis. But my support and defense of law enforcement abruptly ends when excessive force is used. What exactly is excessive force is the question. Although I am a laymen in these matters I would assume that shooting a fleeing suspect in the back would qualify. But, time after time even this action gets explained away as a justified response...so what do I know?

Still, one would have to be living in a flag-draped fantasy world not to suspect that something is terribly wrong with us as a nation. There isn’t another advanced nation on earth with the amount of gun violence of America. No society on earth murders each other at the pace that we do. In addition—and this should not be swept aside in this discussion—we are the most heavily policed nation in the history of civilization. How many separate police departments do you have to answer to? For me its the Henrico County police, the City of Richmond police, the Virginia State police and the National Guard should they be summoned into my neighborhood. If I were to drift into the surrounding counties I might run afoul of Hanover County’s finest or the dreaded uniforms of the Town of Ashland police force!! Our police industry comes complete with SWAT teams and even armored personnel carriers and in some cities...tanks, or something that closely resembles tanks. I suppose when your legal code is five times thicker than the Bible it takes that many police departments to enforce the law. OR, we have gone off the rails as a society.

So, the nation awaits the George Floyd verdict with great fear and trembling. If Derek Chauvin walks I fully expect two weeks of destruction, riots and chaos from Richmond to Los Angeles. If he is found guilty and the cities still burn, like West Virginia porch sofas after a Mountaineer victory in a frenzied celebratory rave, then I give up!

A Walk-Off Win!!

It’s Saturday. Nobody reads this blog on Saturday. Nobody reads this blog when its about baseball on any day, so I’m basically writing this just because I want to. Last night my team, the Washington Nationals, won a game when Kyle Schwarber hit a 463 foot home run in the bottom of the ninth of a scoreless game for the walk-off win. It’s perhaps the greatest moment in baseball, the walk-off hit, but when the hit in question travels that far its even more special. Here’s the video, if you care to watch:

https://www.mlb.com/news/kyle-schwarber-hits-walk-off-homer-for-nationals 

So far this season the Nationals have struggled. Their season started with three cancelled games because 5 of their players had COVID. Since then its been rough. Through 11 games they have only won 4 times. But I am liking what I’m seeing from them. The team seems to get along well as a group, lots of good chemistry. Early on their starting pitchers have struggled except for Joe Ross and of course, Max Scherzer who was brilliant again last night. Lots of guys aren’t hitting much yet, so the record isn’t great. But there’s something about this team that I like. It might have to do with a couple of the new guys.

Josh Harrison. He came over last year actually, but I have liked him from day one. First of all, he can play every position in the infield. Secondly, he battles every single at bat and is constantly hustling. But the the thing I like the most about him is how smart he is. Every time he is interviewed you come away thinking, “Wow, what an intelligent ball player.” He’s just the kind of guy you want on your team..a 100%er.

Josh Bell. He’s the big free agent signed over the winter to play first base. So far he hasn’t done a thing, but he will. The best part of having him on the team is that it will mean getting the very best out of Ryan Zimmerman, the career long National and captain of the team. Ryan can’t play a full season, he is no longer an every day player. But he is still great when rested. So far, his part time status has paid dividends...he’s maybe the hottest hitter on the team. But getting back to Josh Bell, he’s a huge guy, 6’5” 255 pounds, wears his hair in long dreadlocks which makes him look very intimidating. But, listen to him being interviewed on television and he comes across like he could be a financial analyst for Morgan Stanley. Another quality locker room guy as well. I expect big things.

Another thing I like about this club, we got guys from everywhere on this team. We’ve got white players, black players, guys from Venezuela, the Dominican Republic, and Brazil. The team’s best player and only real super star position player is Juan Soto, who also has the distinction of being the hardest worker on the club. In other words, this ball club seems to have that rarest of commodities...a lack of preening, entitled egomaniacs. I look in that dugout and I see guys who are rooting for each other. None of the men on this roster have ever, to my knowledge, been involved in a domestic violence incident, or other run-in with the law. No DUI’s, steroid allegations, no public tantrums demanding to be traded, that sort of thing. Anymore in professional sports, this is an outlier. 

So, I am excited for what is possible for these Nationals in 2021. If they have a great season, maybe it will teach us all a lesson about what is possible when people of different races and different nationalities work together for a common purpose.

Joe Biden’s First 90 Days

We are coming up on three months since Joe Biden took the oath of office and it occurs to me that I have had nothing to say thus far about his performance. Not that it matters what I think, especially since it is not at all clear that any of you care for my opinions on the subject. But this is 2021 and when it comes to political opinions and blogs, it seems that everyone has one, so here’s mine.

First of all it must be stated that not once over the past 90 days have I been embarrassed by a presidential tweet. While the presidential German Shepard, Major, has had several embarrassing moments, that’s about it in the cringe department. This is a big plus.

As far as Biden’s domestic agenda there have been no surprises. Like the big government guy he has always been, he fancies himself the new FDR, believing that every societal problem facing the country can be dispatched if only we throw enough money at it. Bold Government Action is always the cure. First there was the multi-trillion dollar COVID relief package that sends stimulus checks to millions of Americans who will no doubt use the money to buy that new Peloton they’ve had their eye on, or a new set of irons (both real examples from a couple of friends of mine). But, people are suffering, and it’s only a couple trillion dollars that we don’t have. Then, there’s the famous Infrastructure Bill that redefines infrastructure to mean any and every progressive project ever conceived by the liberal beating heart over the last 50 years. (Sure, free daycare is infrastructure!!). But, all of this is who Joe Biden is and who he has always been. Government led and printing press-funded spending sprees are the way to fix all that ails the human condition. There is more of this sort of thing planned, but you get the picture. Just Joe being Joe.

But in the arena of foreign policy, Joe Biden has been amazing. First off, the recently announced sanctions on Russia for their state sponsored hacking and election skullduggery were long overdue. Finally, we have a President who sees Vladimir Putin for what he is, a totalitarian police state thug. Then there was the announcement yesterday of the President’s decision to pull all U.S. troops out of Afghanistan, ending the Forever War. His two most recent predecessors had stated this as a goal and both failed to follow through. If Joe Biden gets us out of that hell-hole, we will forever be in his debt. In other developments in foreign policy, 90 days have gone by without the President belittling our allies or praising the hidden virtues of the world’s henchmen, another splendid development.

So, my three month report card would look like this:

Domestic Policy....C-

Foreign Policy......A+

Family Dog Behavior....F

Playing With Fire

My wife and kids did a very nice thing for me for my birthday...

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, this is a Weber Spirit 300. My old grill had succumbed to the ravages of overuse, wind, rain and other miscellaneous  tumults of nature. It was a far lesser Weber-Wannabe and I have always wanted to upgrade. It was delivered yesterday. I read every word of the manual...a first for me. In it I was informed that I needed to perform an initial 20 minute burn, whereby I was to light the grill, place it on the highest setting, and close the lid. 

Just short of 600 degrees. My old grill never once hit 500 in nearly ten years of use. Last night for it’s maiden voyage, I decided on hamburgers. Using a new grill for the first time is not always a pleasant experience. Every grill has its own quirks and idiosyncrasies. But the Weber made it easy on me by providing me with this handy cheat sheet...

Their suggestion for hamburgers was followed and they turned out perfectly. As a bonus, the good people at Weber provided me with two other copies of this cheat sheet...in Spanish and French!

I am looking forward to years of delicious meat sizzling on this baby, the smells, the sounds, the carcinogens!

A New Diet

Ok, when I got home from the beach I received a rather rude message from the bathroom scales. It was not altogether unexpected since I did spend the week indulging myself. There were after all, bags of chips, not to mention two dozen Krispi Kreme doughnuts and more adult beverages than normal. I had nurtured the hope that some of the damage would be mitigated by all the walking/running I did all week on the beach, over 12 miles of it...but alas, the digital number staring back at me from the scale was the largest such number ever recorded...202.7 

However, there is good news to report. This morning that same scale says...197.7...the results of this fabulous new diet I’ve discovered. It’s called the, Stop Shoving Everything That Isn’t Nailed Down Into Your Piehole All Day Diet. For me this means no chips, chocolate, ice cream, airheads, or doughnuts. In other words, I only eat at meal time. My only “snack” is an apple or orange once a day. Of course, five days does not an effective diet make, but so far, taking myself off grazing mode has been quite effective. If I can get down to 190 by that blessed day when we leave for Maine, I’ll be thrilled. For those of you keeping score at home that would be 78 days from now.

Speaking of Maine, yesterday we discovered that a beautiful piece of land on Quantabacook came up for sale, 17 acres on the West Bank of the lake. Two problems...we don’t need 17 acres and its on an island, so to come and go would require a boat, which sounds charming but would be annoying after a while. But people...its on one of the most beautiful parts of the lake. Pam has that look in her eyes every time she speaks of it. It would mean, building a house on a piece of land 800 miles away, picking an architectural plan and a contractor. A couple years ago we watched a crew of workers cross the lake every morning building a house on the point of this island. We heard stories of them hauling truckloads of heavy equipment across the frozen lake during the winter. The finished product is beautiful. Our Realtor is scouting out the details as we speak. If this piece of land was on any other lake we wouldn’t even give it a second thought. But...its Quantabacook.