I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird might get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I intend to live forever…So far, so good.
Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you needed it.
Are these quotes from a famous philosopher or poet? Nope. They are from the fertile mind of a stand-up comic named Steven Wright.
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