My day started at 4 am. I was awakened by an oppressive, fiery pain in my right shoulder, the sixth straight early morning visitation, only this one was excruciating on a whole different level. I rolled out of bed, chewed up two extra strength Tylenol and turned the water up as hot as I could stand in the shower. As I stood underneath the flow somehow the thought popped into my head that Patient First was open 24 hours. As is my habit when confronted with a strange new pain, I had put off getting this shoulder looked at for six days, thinking that it would heal itself. Plan B was now operational. I threw on some clothes and headed over to the dark parking lot of Patient First where I learned that relief would have to wait until 8 am. Back home, I fired up the heating pad and laid down on the sofa downstairs watching Sports Center reruns hoping I would fall asleep. No such luck.
When the blessed hour finally arrived I was x-rayed and examined thoroughly by a lovely Indian doctor with a beautiful accent, who with an economy of words informed me that my shoulder was “terribly inflamed even to the point of being warm to the touch”. She prescribed pain killers and heavy duty muscle-relaxing anti-inflammatories and then produced a sling for my right arm, with instructions to wear it for three days. Arriving at my office in said sling produced howls of derision from my mean-spirited colleagues, with many references to my age and the shocking rapidity of the physical decline it has brought upon me. The rest of my day was filled with my left hand awkwardly trying to do a series of two-handed jobs. On a good day I have a great deal of trouble concentrating for long periods of time on one thing. I think that the term teachers nowadays use is, “staying on task”. Well, after the cocktail of pain meds and muscle-relaxers I had downed at Patient First, my attention span was shorter than Richard Dawkins’ prayer list. I would dial up a client and by the time he answered I had forgotten why I called. By the end of the day, every muscle in my back was confused and rubbery. Some days it just doesn’t pay to wake up in pain.
But then, I got home. Pam was busy at the computer. I was in no mood for idle conversation so I took the latest dose of my medicine and collapsed in the reading chair in our bedroom. I dosed off for thirty minutes or so, maybe longer, and then heard her voice calling me downstairs for supper. As she has done a thousand times before, she redeemed the day. She made something wonderful out of nothing. My wife is able to transform me. She proves her love for me over and over with a thousand little graces that are easy to miss at times. I don’t have to pour out a tale of whoa for her to know that things aren’t going well. She pays attention to those she loves, to her friends, family, her children, and especially on days like today, to me. The plate before me was a feast of manly comfort. There was a hearty potato au-gratin dish that she had thrown together from scratch. It bubbled with sharp cheddar and smelled like autumn. Beside it were crisp, cold , sliced apples that made a juicy snapping sound when bitten into. The main course was a thing of beauty. She had sliced up onions and green peppers and fried them up until they were limp and caramelized and to this heavenly concoction she had added sliced polska kielbasa, the smoky kind that wafts in the air of the parking lot at the State Fair. This was a dinner for someone who needed some healing. I don’t recall ever being served this exact meal before. How she knew that it was exactly what my soul desired is a mystery, as she is a mystery. All I know is, that at times like this I know with cosmic certainty that mine is an arranged marriage. A compassionate God had mercy on me and gave me a woman of style, beauty and grace who, if given the chance, would be a huge star on The Food Network with a show called, “How to feed your hurtin’ man”.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Week 3 The ACC looks for some self-respect
Once again Notre Dame makes a liar out of me. All they have to do is hold on to a 3 point lead with 30 seconds to play and I would have gone 6-0 like I promised, damn Catholics! Still, 5-1 isn’t too shabby. Week 3 finds the ACC in the spotlight. Sports talk show hosts in Richmond have been yakking all week about how vital it is for the ACC to make a “statement” this weekend. Well, that’s because the ACC conference has been a national joke in football for many years and they are desperate for a quality win against a quality non-conference opponent. We’ll see about that:
Auburn vs. Clemson
Auburn qualifies as a quality opponent. Although not as good as last years national championship team, they are still a SEC powerhouse. I learned in week one of this enterprise that I should never pick against the SEC in a “big, high profile game”. However, this game is neither, except in the fevered imagination of Clemson fan. I go out on a limb, against my better judgment and predict that Clemson actually wins this game 24-21.
West Virginia vs. Maryland
Maryland won against Miami only because of the blinding, audaciously hideous, nervous-system destroying shock and awe that was their uniforms. Millions of viewers all around the country spent the first 30 minutes of that game adjusting their TV sets and yelling obscenities at the cable company. It was as if these uniforms were designed by a team of sugared-up pre-schoolers, and graphic designers on acid. Well, unfortunately for the Terrapins, West Virginia will be ready for this visual tsunami, becoming the first college football team to play an entire game wearing 3-D glasses. The Mountaineers win 30-17.
Arkansas State vs. Virginia Tech
You can’t really blame Tech, I suppose. I mean, when every time you schedule a quality non-conference opponent, you get your ass kicked, after awhile you get tired of it. “Play somebody!!”, Tech haters are always saying. Well, enough of that. There are no Alabama’s or Boise State’s on this year’s schedule. Arkansas State will have to do. Tech wins again 20-10.
Ohio State vs. Miami
Too good to be true, this match up. It practically writes itself. The Buckeyes all show up at the Orange Bowl driving Escalades and showing off the latest in cutting edge body art. Then Miami’s entire squad pulls up at a nearby dock in a 100 foot party boat being served Dom Perignon by a bevy of strippers. If there ever was a game that perfectly captures what college football in 2011 is all about, its this one. Picking a winner here will make me feel dirty either way, so I will hold my nose and predict that Ohio State will feel overwhelmed by all the hot chicks hanging off the Miami players when all THEY got were those lousy tattoos. Miami 30- 24.
Oklahoma Vs. Florida State
This is the big kahuna for ACC fans seeking redemption and a measure of pride in their football prowess. But here’s the problem. The last 31 times an ACC school has teed it up against a non-conference team that was ranked in the top five in the country at kickoff, they have lost, mostly by embarrassing scores. The last win? In 2000, Florida State beat Florida. Yep, its been a long time. After today, its gonna be 32 straight. The Sooners win 38-14.
UVA vs. North Carolina
My finely tuned football instincts tell me that an ACC school will win this game. Although both teams are 2-0, they seem to be headed in opposite directions. After finally getting his first road win as coach last week against Indiana, Mike London finds that he really enjoys winning on the road. The Cavaliers go 3-0 by beating the Tar Heels 17-14. Then all the Hoos in Hooville completely lose their minds, actually thinking that their team doesn’t suck.
So, there it is. In this pivotal weekend for ACC pride, the conference goes 3-2. It will be lost on ACC fan that the game that put them over the top was the Hokies thrilling win over that perennial powerhouse..Arkansas State.
Auburn vs. Clemson
Auburn qualifies as a quality opponent. Although not as good as last years national championship team, they are still a SEC powerhouse. I learned in week one of this enterprise that I should never pick against the SEC in a “big, high profile game”. However, this game is neither, except in the fevered imagination of Clemson fan. I go out on a limb, against my better judgment and predict that Clemson actually wins this game 24-21.
West Virginia vs. Maryland
Maryland won against Miami only because of the blinding, audaciously hideous, nervous-system destroying shock and awe that was their uniforms. Millions of viewers all around the country spent the first 30 minutes of that game adjusting their TV sets and yelling obscenities at the cable company. It was as if these uniforms were designed by a team of sugared-up pre-schoolers, and graphic designers on acid. Well, unfortunately for the Terrapins, West Virginia will be ready for this visual tsunami, becoming the first college football team to play an entire game wearing 3-D glasses. The Mountaineers win 30-17.
Arkansas State vs. Virginia Tech
You can’t really blame Tech, I suppose. I mean, when every time you schedule a quality non-conference opponent, you get your ass kicked, after awhile you get tired of it. “Play somebody!!”, Tech haters are always saying. Well, enough of that. There are no Alabama’s or Boise State’s on this year’s schedule. Arkansas State will have to do. Tech wins again 20-10.
Ohio State vs. Miami
Too good to be true, this match up. It practically writes itself. The Buckeyes all show up at the Orange Bowl driving Escalades and showing off the latest in cutting edge body art. Then Miami’s entire squad pulls up at a nearby dock in a 100 foot party boat being served Dom Perignon by a bevy of strippers. If there ever was a game that perfectly captures what college football in 2011 is all about, its this one. Picking a winner here will make me feel dirty either way, so I will hold my nose and predict that Ohio State will feel overwhelmed by all the hot chicks hanging off the Miami players when all THEY got were those lousy tattoos. Miami 30- 24.
Oklahoma Vs. Florida State
This is the big kahuna for ACC fans seeking redemption and a measure of pride in their football prowess. But here’s the problem. The last 31 times an ACC school has teed it up against a non-conference team that was ranked in the top five in the country at kickoff, they have lost, mostly by embarrassing scores. The last win? In 2000, Florida State beat Florida. Yep, its been a long time. After today, its gonna be 32 straight. The Sooners win 38-14.
UVA vs. North Carolina
My finely tuned football instincts tell me that an ACC school will win this game. Although both teams are 2-0, they seem to be headed in opposite directions. After finally getting his first road win as coach last week against Indiana, Mike London finds that he really enjoys winning on the road. The Cavaliers go 3-0 by beating the Tar Heels 17-14. Then all the Hoos in Hooville completely lose their minds, actually thinking that their team doesn’t suck.
So, there it is. In this pivotal weekend for ACC pride, the conference goes 3-2. It will be lost on ACC fan that the game that put them over the top was the Hokies thrilling win over that perennial powerhouse..Arkansas State.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wolf Blitzer vs. Ron Paul with a little assist from me.
The other night there was a Republican Presidential Debate. I didn’t watch it. But a bit of an uproar was caused by a hypothetical question posed to Ron Paul by debate moderator Wolf Blitzer. It went something like this:
“Suppose there is a healthy, prosperous, 30 year old man who decides that since he is young and healthy he doesn’t need to spend 200-300 dollars a month for health insurance. But suddenly he becomes extremely ill and needs 6 months of intensive care in a hospital. What is the responsibility of society to this man. Since he has no insurance, should society just let him die?”
The first uproar was caused by several members of the audience who shouted, “Yeah!!” and applauded heartily, leaving no doubt that this man should in fact be left to die. Set aside , for the moment, the wisdom of hypothetical questions, and set aside further what your position may be on the essence of the question. What kind of person could respond with such glee to the prospect of a 30 year old man struck down in the prime of life, being allowed to die?? Watching the clip chilled me to the bone. Really? That prospect was worthy of an enthusiastic roar of approval? However, the second uproar was caused by Ron Paul’s classically Libertarian answer which , boiled down to its essence, was … in a free society, you are free to make bad decisions, but society is under no obligation to shield you from the consequences of such decisions.
So, on the left, the outrage was over the mean-spirited lack of compassion. On the right, the complaint was that this was another in a long line of loaded, hypotheticals designed to make them look bad. For me, given 24 hours to think out my answer in the comfort of my office and safely away from the glare of cameras, I would have answered the question as follows:
Me: Wolf, First of all, I would like to thank you for throwing me such a perfect softball question!! This is sooo easy! OK, here’s the thing. Your hypothetical 30 year old is both healthy and prosperous, which means he has chosen not to have health insurance. He wasn’t denied coverage because of some pre-existing condition, or prohibited from obtaining coverage because of its’ outrageous cost. In fact, I happen to know that the monthly premium for a catastrophic major medical policy for a healthy 30 year old man runs from between $85 and $150 bucks a month, not the $200-$300 in your example. This sort of coverage would have covered 95% of his entire bill, even for a 6 month hospital visit. No, this 30 year old man decided as a free citizen to take a chance that since he was perfectly healthy, he would always be so. By foregoing insurance, he could spend that money on fun stuff, like a flat screen TV, a new I-Pad, or an awesome week in Cancun. Now, if your hypothetical 30 year old was sick and broke, then “society” has already made the determination that he should in fact be shielded from this type of fate. It’s called Medicaid. All of us pay taxes to provide funds for people who are needy and have health problems. Although Medicaid has serious financial and demographic problems , we as a society have already made the decision that the poor and sick need this part of the safety net. But instead, you are asking whether “society” should be obligated to take care of 30 year old prosperous men who make dumb life decisions. The answer is unequivocally “NO”. See, Wolf, here’s the thing. By using the word “society” you throw people off the trail. Society is a very nebulous and tenuous concept with no check-writing privileges. The correct word in your question should have been…tax-payers, as in , Should the “tax-payers” just let him die? Why should all of the responsible, not so prosperous 30 year old men be obligated to bail out their less responsible peers? I mean, are we free men or not, and do we live in a free society or not? If we are free men, then we must be free to fail. Otherwise, why should anyone do the right thing and provide for themselves if “society” will always be there to clean up after our stupidity?”
Wolf: But, Congressman Dunnevant, what if it were YOUR son? Where’s your compassion sir?”
Me: My son wouldn’t be foolish or immature enough to walk around with no health insurance. And I have plenty of compassion, especially for those struggling, hard working, tax-paying men and women out there who, after paying their health insurance premiums, don’t quite have enough money for an I-Pad or a vacation in Cancun”
“Suppose there is a healthy, prosperous, 30 year old man who decides that since he is young and healthy he doesn’t need to spend 200-300 dollars a month for health insurance. But suddenly he becomes extremely ill and needs 6 months of intensive care in a hospital. What is the responsibility of society to this man. Since he has no insurance, should society just let him die?”
The first uproar was caused by several members of the audience who shouted, “Yeah!!” and applauded heartily, leaving no doubt that this man should in fact be left to die. Set aside , for the moment, the wisdom of hypothetical questions, and set aside further what your position may be on the essence of the question. What kind of person could respond with such glee to the prospect of a 30 year old man struck down in the prime of life, being allowed to die?? Watching the clip chilled me to the bone. Really? That prospect was worthy of an enthusiastic roar of approval? However, the second uproar was caused by Ron Paul’s classically Libertarian answer which , boiled down to its essence, was … in a free society, you are free to make bad decisions, but society is under no obligation to shield you from the consequences of such decisions.
So, on the left, the outrage was over the mean-spirited lack of compassion. On the right, the complaint was that this was another in a long line of loaded, hypotheticals designed to make them look bad. For me, given 24 hours to think out my answer in the comfort of my office and safely away from the glare of cameras, I would have answered the question as follows:
Me: Wolf, First of all, I would like to thank you for throwing me such a perfect softball question!! This is sooo easy! OK, here’s the thing. Your hypothetical 30 year old is both healthy and prosperous, which means he has chosen not to have health insurance. He wasn’t denied coverage because of some pre-existing condition, or prohibited from obtaining coverage because of its’ outrageous cost. In fact, I happen to know that the monthly premium for a catastrophic major medical policy for a healthy 30 year old man runs from between $85 and $150 bucks a month, not the $200-$300 in your example. This sort of coverage would have covered 95% of his entire bill, even for a 6 month hospital visit. No, this 30 year old man decided as a free citizen to take a chance that since he was perfectly healthy, he would always be so. By foregoing insurance, he could spend that money on fun stuff, like a flat screen TV, a new I-Pad, or an awesome week in Cancun. Now, if your hypothetical 30 year old was sick and broke, then “society” has already made the determination that he should in fact be shielded from this type of fate. It’s called Medicaid. All of us pay taxes to provide funds for people who are needy and have health problems. Although Medicaid has serious financial and demographic problems , we as a society have already made the decision that the poor and sick need this part of the safety net. But instead, you are asking whether “society” should be obligated to take care of 30 year old prosperous men who make dumb life decisions. The answer is unequivocally “NO”. See, Wolf, here’s the thing. By using the word “society” you throw people off the trail. Society is a very nebulous and tenuous concept with no check-writing privileges. The correct word in your question should have been…tax-payers, as in , Should the “tax-payers” just let him die? Why should all of the responsible, not so prosperous 30 year old men be obligated to bail out their less responsible peers? I mean, are we free men or not, and do we live in a free society or not? If we are free men, then we must be free to fail. Otherwise, why should anyone do the right thing and provide for themselves if “society” will always be there to clean up after our stupidity?”
Wolf: But, Congressman Dunnevant, what if it were YOUR son? Where’s your compassion sir?”
Me: My son wouldn’t be foolish or immature enough to walk around with no health insurance. And I have plenty of compassion, especially for those struggling, hard working, tax-paying men and women out there who, after paying their health insurance premiums, don’t quite have enough money for an I-Pad or a vacation in Cancun”
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Ground Zero as Rebuke
Tomorrow there will be a ceremony at ground zero to commemorate the tenth anniversary of 9/11. It’s been ten years. We still call it “ground zero” because there’s nothing there. Ten years, and nothing. Thirteen square blocks of the most valuable real estate in the country, and nothing has risen from that ground. Tomorrow the podium will be filled with politicians and bureaucrats. Mayor Bloomberg will be there. The Deputy Executive Director of Progressive Community Zoning will be there along with a hundred others just like him, leaving no room for the firemen. Just not enough room to include any firemen on the platform. There will be lots of important politicians there with lots of grave and profound speeches to make, but no firemen. 343 of them died on that day because they trudged into those buildings weighed down with 70 pounds of gear in the vain hope that they might save a few. While everyone else was fleeing in horrified panic, the firemen took the stairs up. But no room for the firemen tomorrow.
Ten years later, I don’t care about the terrorists. Al-Qaeda and global jihad are abstractions to me. I don’t even know what to make of the ten year war on terror. Reasonable people disagree about all of that, and maybe in another ten years I’ll have a clearer understanding of how to think about it all. But there is one thing about which I’m sure and confident. The empty hole in the ground at the corner Church Street and Broadway, right down the street from the New York Stock Exchange, stands as a mocking indictment of the United States of America and what we have become. Our ancestors would not recognize us, not just the founders, but even those from 80 years ago.
In the midst of the Great Depression, a heartier band of Americans took all of 410 days to construct the Empire State building. 27 months from architectural design to ribbon cutting ceremony, during the worst economic hour of our nation’s existence, the tallest building in the world rose in the middle of Manhattan. Today it would take 27 months just to get an appointment with the Deputy Executive Director of Progressive Community Zoning. The Hoover Dam, the most audacious hydro-electric project in human history took four years to build. The Golden gate bridge, four years to build. Can you imagine how long the environmental impact studies would take today for such projects? I’m guessing about four years. Then there would be the “competitive wage impact studies” that would add another couple of years and hundreds of millions to the price tag. Next, teams of lawyers would descend on the thing, extorting millions more. Eventually, the project would die, politicians would give speeches decrying the lack of jobs, and we would be left with a mocking hole in the ground.
This country once stood as a land of great possibility. This was the place where stuff got done. A man or woman with a dream, a capacity for hard work, and high gloss toughness could accomplish great things. That country is no more. It has been replaced by a nation that has tied itself in great central planning knots. The entrepreneurial spirit has been extinguished by crony capitalism. Lawyers and community organizers have taken over, and now there’s a thirteen square block rebuke where the Twin Towers used to be. That’s not the work of terrorists. Behold what timidity has wrought.
Ten years later, I don’t care about the terrorists. Al-Qaeda and global jihad are abstractions to me. I don’t even know what to make of the ten year war on terror. Reasonable people disagree about all of that, and maybe in another ten years I’ll have a clearer understanding of how to think about it all. But there is one thing about which I’m sure and confident. The empty hole in the ground at the corner Church Street and Broadway, right down the street from the New York Stock Exchange, stands as a mocking indictment of the United States of America and what we have become. Our ancestors would not recognize us, not just the founders, but even those from 80 years ago.
In the midst of the Great Depression, a heartier band of Americans took all of 410 days to construct the Empire State building. 27 months from architectural design to ribbon cutting ceremony, during the worst economic hour of our nation’s existence, the tallest building in the world rose in the middle of Manhattan. Today it would take 27 months just to get an appointment with the Deputy Executive Director of Progressive Community Zoning. The Hoover Dam, the most audacious hydro-electric project in human history took four years to build. The Golden gate bridge, four years to build. Can you imagine how long the environmental impact studies would take today for such projects? I’m guessing about four years. Then there would be the “competitive wage impact studies” that would add another couple of years and hundreds of millions to the price tag. Next, teams of lawyers would descend on the thing, extorting millions more. Eventually, the project would die, politicians would give speeches decrying the lack of jobs, and we would be left with a mocking hole in the ground.
This country once stood as a land of great possibility. This was the place where stuff got done. A man or woman with a dream, a capacity for hard work, and high gloss toughness could accomplish great things. That country is no more. It has been replaced by a nation that has tied itself in great central planning knots. The entrepreneurial spirit has been extinguished by crony capitalism. Lawyers and community organizers have taken over, and now there’s a thirteen square block rebuke where the Twin Towers used to be. That’s not the work of terrorists. Behold what timidity has wrought.
Friday, September 9, 2011
WEEK 2. This time I'll go 6-0!
OK sports fans, my debut week of college football prognostication was a raging success, marred only by two rookie mistakes. First, never pick your school’s arch rival to beat anyone, and secondly, never pick against the SEC in big , high profile games. But, other than those hiccups, I will take a 4-2 start. Onward, and upward. This week I plan on running the table with these 6 winners:
Alabama vs. Penn State
Two traditionally great programs with two traditionally and dependably boring uniforms. Bama and their plain, red helmets with white numbers will clobber Penn State with their plain white helmets with blue numbers. Not only will the Tide roll, but the Nittany Lions will not score a point, losing 24-0. But, not wanting to rub it in, and eager to prove that he indeed does have some class, Nick Sabin will offer Joe Paterno some warm Ovaltine and graham crackers at half time.
South Carolina vs. Georgia
Mark Richt has successfully turned the Bulldogs into a second tier program in the SEC the RIGHT way, by running a clean ethical program. What an idiot!! After their pathetic performance against Boise State last week he now faces the program that has replaced his in the top tier of the SEC, the gamecocks of South Carolina and their obnoxious “ball-coach” Steve Spurrier. Georgia is defeated again 42-17 and Mark Richt starts working on his resume.
Stanford vs. Duke
These two schools have the highest team GPA in division 1-A. The much anticipated cold fusion competition at halftime will be won by the Blue Devils, their third consecutive Golden Slide Rule. However, on the gridiron they will have no such luck. Andrew Luck plays for the other team and he will throw for 6000 yards in the second half alone. Stanford wins 65-28.
UVA vs. Indiana
Assuming anyone shows up to watch this game, it will be highly entertaining. The bottom-feeders of the Big 10 meet the bottom-feeders of the ACC. But, UVA is improving and Indiana is a basketball school, so despite a barrage of three-pointers by the Hoosiers, the Wahoos win 21-15. The Hoosiers and the Wahoos, two of the dumbest nicknames in sports.
Notre Dame vs. Michigan
The Fighting Irish, a team that year after year gets away with demeaning an entire race of people with a hateful ethnic slur, travels to the big house to play a Michigan team that year after year gets away with being called an elite program despite a police blog a mile long and losing to Appalachian State…at HOME! Hard to pick against the Pope and all and despite Brian Kelly’s purple-faced act on the side lines, his Golden Domers will win 30-27.
Virginia Tech vs. East Carolina
These two schools probably have the lowest team GPA in division 1-A. At half time there will be no academic competition, thank God, so both schools will be spared the embarrassment of not knowing how to spell “ C-L-A-S-S”. Unfortunately, the actual game won’t provide much competition for the Hokies either, as they blow out the Pirates 48-7. The “Hokies”..THE dumbest nickname in sports.
Alabama vs. Penn State
Two traditionally great programs with two traditionally and dependably boring uniforms. Bama and their plain, red helmets with white numbers will clobber Penn State with their plain white helmets with blue numbers. Not only will the Tide roll, but the Nittany Lions will not score a point, losing 24-0. But, not wanting to rub it in, and eager to prove that he indeed does have some class, Nick Sabin will offer Joe Paterno some warm Ovaltine and graham crackers at half time.
South Carolina vs. Georgia
Mark Richt has successfully turned the Bulldogs into a second tier program in the SEC the RIGHT way, by running a clean ethical program. What an idiot!! After their pathetic performance against Boise State last week he now faces the program that has replaced his in the top tier of the SEC, the gamecocks of South Carolina and their obnoxious “ball-coach” Steve Spurrier. Georgia is defeated again 42-17 and Mark Richt starts working on his resume.
Stanford vs. Duke
These two schools have the highest team GPA in division 1-A. The much anticipated cold fusion competition at halftime will be won by the Blue Devils, their third consecutive Golden Slide Rule. However, on the gridiron they will have no such luck. Andrew Luck plays for the other team and he will throw for 6000 yards in the second half alone. Stanford wins 65-28.
UVA vs. Indiana
Assuming anyone shows up to watch this game, it will be highly entertaining. The bottom-feeders of the Big 10 meet the bottom-feeders of the ACC. But, UVA is improving and Indiana is a basketball school, so despite a barrage of three-pointers by the Hoosiers, the Wahoos win 21-15. The Hoosiers and the Wahoos, two of the dumbest nicknames in sports.
Notre Dame vs. Michigan
The Fighting Irish, a team that year after year gets away with demeaning an entire race of people with a hateful ethnic slur, travels to the big house to play a Michigan team that year after year gets away with being called an elite program despite a police blog a mile long and losing to Appalachian State…at HOME! Hard to pick against the Pope and all and despite Brian Kelly’s purple-faced act on the side lines, his Golden Domers will win 30-27.
Virginia Tech vs. East Carolina
These two schools probably have the lowest team GPA in division 1-A. At half time there will be no academic competition, thank God, so both schools will be spared the embarrassment of not knowing how to spell “ C-L-A-S-S”. Unfortunately, the actual game won’t provide much competition for the Hokies either, as they blow out the Pirates 48-7. The “Hokies”..THE dumbest nickname in sports.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Labor Day. Dumbest Holiday Ever?
Labor Day is such a dumb holiday. First of all, it comes during a time of year of general sadness. Summer vacations are all over. The school year is out there like a menacing storm, about to unleash all of its fury. The body clock is telling you that Fall should be near with its beautiful leaves and chilly nights, but you know that September is going to be hot as Hades. Those leaves want to change colors and gently fall, but they keep putting it off. Soon you haul down your Fall junk from the attic, the goofy scarecrow, the oak tree wreath. Then you scatter some gourds, pumpkins, and a deathly dry bail of hay on the front porch as if these decorations will somehow induce the season. But it doesn’t, in fact, the next 98 degree day you worry that the display will spontaneously ignite and take the rest of the house with it!
Such is the malaise into which Labor Day arrives. And even though the news is full of reports of parades and speeches and the television blares loudly about the great deals available for those in the market for cars, mattresses, and replacement windows, you know in your heart that this is no holiday. You know what this really is. Labor Day is the end of something, the end of play, the end of relaxation.
And then there’s the irony of this day. We are asked to celebrate work by not doing any. We celebrate labor by avoiding it at all cost. Its as if this holiday was created by a committee. Well, in the spirit of the day, might I suggest a few similarly illogical holidays for your consideration.
Fidelity Day….where we celebrate faithfulness by cheating on our spouse.
Marriage Day….where we celebrate marriage by filing for divorce.
Republican Party Day….where we drop our recycling off on our way down to volunteer at the homeless shelter.
Democratic Party Day….where we all take a shower and head down to the Chamber of Commerce to hear Sarah Palin read a chapter of Atlas Shrugged.
Reality Television Day…where we celebrate by becoming suddenly appalled, shrinking away from the television set in shame.
Sobriety Day…where we celebrate by getting drunk
Nutrition Day…where we wash down those cheesy-fries with a triple-chocolate shake.
Baptist Day…where we celebrate by becoming relevant
Higher Education Day… where we celebrate by tolerating views that aren’t liberal.
Post Office Appreciation Day….where we celebrate by tweeting all of our friends and sending an e-mail to our mailman.
Such is the malaise into which Labor Day arrives. And even though the news is full of reports of parades and speeches and the television blares loudly about the great deals available for those in the market for cars, mattresses, and replacement windows, you know in your heart that this is no holiday. You know what this really is. Labor Day is the end of something, the end of play, the end of relaxation.
And then there’s the irony of this day. We are asked to celebrate work by not doing any. We celebrate labor by avoiding it at all cost. Its as if this holiday was created by a committee. Well, in the spirit of the day, might I suggest a few similarly illogical holidays for your consideration.
Fidelity Day….where we celebrate faithfulness by cheating on our spouse.
Marriage Day….where we celebrate marriage by filing for divorce.
Republican Party Day….where we drop our recycling off on our way down to volunteer at the homeless shelter.
Democratic Party Day….where we all take a shower and head down to the Chamber of Commerce to hear Sarah Palin read a chapter of Atlas Shrugged.
Reality Television Day…where we celebrate by becoming suddenly appalled, shrinking away from the television set in shame.
Sobriety Day…where we celebrate by getting drunk
Nutrition Day…where we wash down those cheesy-fries with a triple-chocolate shake.
Baptist Day…where we celebrate by becoming relevant
Higher Education Day… where we celebrate by tolerating views that aren’t liberal.
Post Office Appreciation Day….where we celebrate by tweeting all of our friends and sending an e-mail to our mailman.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 1..Stone cold, lead pipe locks.
College football is great fun. It has also become somewhat of a guilty pleasure. One cannot help but feel a bit guilty for rewarding such a corrupt maniacal monolith as college football by watching game after game and contributing to the gargantuan ratings that serve as fuel to the beast. But, that is a topic for another time. The bottom line is, we love the game, every ridiculous, over-hyped, joyous second of it. We love the packed stadiums, the awesome tail-gating, the passion of the fans, ESPN Gameday…everything. So, today begins my weekly tradition of offering my stone-cold, lead pipe lock picks. I will concentrate mostly on the state teams but will also throw in prominent games of national interest. I, along with you, will keep a running total of my record. This will result in either blog after blog of interminable bragging or only occasional mention of my failures as proof of how corrupt the game actually is, not to mention scandalously horrible officiating. At this point I suppose I should declare my prejudices. I am a huge U of R fan, having matriculated from that fine institution. I also have always enjoyed the SEC brand of football, having spent three years of my youth in Louisiana/ Alabama. I’m not a huge ACC guy. Generally I believe Virginia Tech fans to be among the most obnoxious in the country, with their delusions of grandeur, their incessant whining at even the slightest snub, and their epically hideous uniforms. And I see from this years Tech schedule that they will be favored in every game, so I suppose I should prepare for more Hokie bravado. Ok..that’s about it. Here we go!
James Madison vs. UNC
If God cared about football, JMU should win this game. They are a good team, play in a great division 1-A conference, and UNC is a crooked program who fired their coach like three days before spring practice. But, God has a lot on his plate at the moment, so the tar heels will prevail 24-14 with the help of several mind-numbingly awful calls by an officiating crew clearly on the take.
William & Mary vs. UVA
This is a tough call for a bunch of reasons. Although W&M is a long time rival of my school, I have nothing but respect for Jimmie Laycock. Although UVA leaves me cold, and attending one of their home games is like going to a polo match featuring that gorgeous team from Saint Christopher’s with those heavenly Italian boots, while sipping mint juleps and catching up on the latest gossip about the pending engagement of Biff and Barbie…but I digress. The only good thing about UVA is their terrific young coach Mike London, who several years ago coached my alma mater to a national championship. ( For Hokie fans, that’s when your team wins the championship game and is crowned the best team in the country ). So I root for Mike whenever I can…..but not today. William & Mary upsets the cavaliers for the second year in a row 31-27.
Appalachian State vs. Virginia Tech
Once again, if it weren’t for all of the trouble in the middle east, and the fact that our own country is in the process of self destructing, God would be all over this and insure a victory for Appy State, if for no other reason to demonstrate the truth of his warning that “pride goeth before a fall and destruction before a haughty spirit”. But alas, absent divine intervention, Tech wins going away 35-13.
UofR vs. Duke
We have beaten the weak sisters of the ACC twice in a row, and despite losing our head coach a week ago for getting a DUI, we will do it again 20-3. Just a side note, can you imagine any big time SEC or Big 12 coach losing his job because he had a few pops and got pulled over by the cops? Me neither.
Boise State vs. Georgia
This is sort of a big game but I don’t care very much because its Boise State. Sorry, great program, and they can beat anybody, anywhere, anytime. But, they can do so because they only have to do it once or twice a year. Most weeks they simply wipe the floor with the San Hose States of the world while a team like Georgia is in the belly of the beast every single week in the SEC. But, Boise wins this game 21-20 and then proceeds to complain for the next 10 weeks about their ranking in the polls.
Oregon vs. LSU
LSU’s quarterback gets in a bar fight at 2 in the morning two weeks before this headlining game in a year where his team is picked to perhaps win the SEC championship. Oregon is in hot water over a $25000 payment its program paid to a sleazy recruiter in Louisiana that helped them gain the services of a talented running back. Is college football beautiful or what??!! Losing your QB two weeks before a game against an opponent as good as Oregon does not bode well for your chances. Oregon holds on for a 28-17 win that will probably have to be forfeited once the NCAA finds out that the sleazy recruiter guy was blackmailing Oregon coach Skip Kelly on account of their long-standing gay relationship. Just kidding.
So there you have it.
James Madison vs. UNC
If God cared about football, JMU should win this game. They are a good team, play in a great division 1-A conference, and UNC is a crooked program who fired their coach like three days before spring practice. But, God has a lot on his plate at the moment, so the tar heels will prevail 24-14 with the help of several mind-numbingly awful calls by an officiating crew clearly on the take.
William & Mary vs. UVA
This is a tough call for a bunch of reasons. Although W&M is a long time rival of my school, I have nothing but respect for Jimmie Laycock. Although UVA leaves me cold, and attending one of their home games is like going to a polo match featuring that gorgeous team from Saint Christopher’s with those heavenly Italian boots, while sipping mint juleps and catching up on the latest gossip about the pending engagement of Biff and Barbie…but I digress. The only good thing about UVA is their terrific young coach Mike London, who several years ago coached my alma mater to a national championship. ( For Hokie fans, that’s when your team wins the championship game and is crowned the best team in the country ). So I root for Mike whenever I can…..but not today. William & Mary upsets the cavaliers for the second year in a row 31-27.
Appalachian State vs. Virginia Tech
Once again, if it weren’t for all of the trouble in the middle east, and the fact that our own country is in the process of self destructing, God would be all over this and insure a victory for Appy State, if for no other reason to demonstrate the truth of his warning that “pride goeth before a fall and destruction before a haughty spirit”. But alas, absent divine intervention, Tech wins going away 35-13.
UofR vs. Duke
We have beaten the weak sisters of the ACC twice in a row, and despite losing our head coach a week ago for getting a DUI, we will do it again 20-3. Just a side note, can you imagine any big time SEC or Big 12 coach losing his job because he had a few pops and got pulled over by the cops? Me neither.
Boise State vs. Georgia
This is sort of a big game but I don’t care very much because its Boise State. Sorry, great program, and they can beat anybody, anywhere, anytime. But, they can do so because they only have to do it once or twice a year. Most weeks they simply wipe the floor with the San Hose States of the world while a team like Georgia is in the belly of the beast every single week in the SEC. But, Boise wins this game 21-20 and then proceeds to complain for the next 10 weeks about their ranking in the polls.
Oregon vs. LSU
LSU’s quarterback gets in a bar fight at 2 in the morning two weeks before this headlining game in a year where his team is picked to perhaps win the SEC championship. Oregon is in hot water over a $25000 payment its program paid to a sleazy recruiter in Louisiana that helped them gain the services of a talented running back. Is college football beautiful or what??!! Losing your QB two weeks before a game against an opponent as good as Oregon does not bode well for your chances. Oregon holds on for a 28-17 win that will probably have to be forfeited once the NCAA finds out that the sleazy recruiter guy was blackmailing Oregon coach Skip Kelly on account of their long-standing gay relationship. Just kidding.
So there you have it.
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