Because It’s Thursday...

*I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness....

*What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision?

Suture self...

*What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar?

There, their, they’re...

*I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.

But I won’t lie, it was a rocky road...

*Bono and Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says...

“Oh no, not U2 again.”

*I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now...

I’ll never hear the end of it.

*Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?

Because eventually time will tell...

The Garland Kids Strike Again

This afternoon, right after taking an extraordinarily odd call from a client, my doorbell rang. Lucy immediately stirred from a deep sleep, barking like a maniac. As I hurried down the stairs I saw the sweet faces of Sully and Kennedy, my neighbor kids. I opened the door and there they all were, Sully and Kennedy, with their big brother Cash and a friend of his on bikes behind them, obviously providing the muscle of the operation...since the girls were delivering my Girl Scout Cookie order. At my feet, their dog Vander peered up at me with rugged nonchalance. Kennedy handed me a grocery bag, “Here’s your cookies, Mr. Doug.”

I looked into the bag, having completely forgotten what I had ordered. Thankfully, Sully was fully up to speed, “There’s thin mints and caramel deLights and the new ones, the toast yay’s!!” Cash’s friend then offered his professional opinion that the new ones...the aforementioned toast yay’s were the bomb.

Then, I asked the obvious question, “Ok girls, have I already paid for these? I already paid for these, right?” Just as Sully began reassuring me that I had, in fact, paid in full, Cash blurts out, “Here’s how this works. We hand over the cookies and you hand over the money.” Kennedy jumped in with, “You already paid!!” I give Cash a sinister look as a mischievous smile spreads over his face.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don’t want anything to do with a retirement community.

So, now that the 2021 GS Cookies have arrived, I am taking it upon myself to sample each and offer my food critic review...

On the far left we have what was formerly known as Samoas, but have now, inexplicably, been reintroduced as Caramel deLights. Perhaps a complaint was lodged by representatives of the American Samoa Anti-Defamation League, pressure was applied and that was that. Nevertheless, I can fully attest that nothing has changed about the flavor of these creations. They still melt in your mouth, the coconut shavings sprinkled on the top the crowning achievement.

Then, of course, no GS cookie collection would be complete without the iconic Thin Mint, the crack cocaine of fund raising treats. Crisp, chocolate goodness followed by the cool breeze of mint make this the classic go-to cookie to satisfy that craving for worthless calories. Pro-Tip...pairs extremely well with coffee.

Finally, the new kid on the block, the much ballyhooed toast yay’s. As a generally conservative man, I am naturally suspicious of new things. My reasoning is that if the GS cookie universe needed a new cookie, God would create a new disease for it to contribute to. I mean, if it ain’t broke don't fix it. The package practically gushes...French Toast-inspired cookies dipped in delicious icing and full of flavor in every bite. Yay. I rolled my eyes at their arrogance, “I’ll be the judge of that,” I snapped. I took the first bite and was overcome with a foreboding thought that I was forever hooked. These babies, to quote noted cookie aficionado,  Cash’s friend, are in fact...the bomb.

So, once again my diet strategies have been foiled by the notorious Garland Kids. Who am I kidding. For as long as they are our next door neighbors we will buy every thing they are selling. Every fundraiser, every lemonade stand, every entrepreneurial project they hatch will have us as the first customer. Why? Several reasons. When our kids were that age they sold everything from soup to nuts for either Little League, church or school. So, it’s cosmic payback. But most importantly, if you saw these kids you would realize that we are powerless against their charms, the ultimate soft target. When you’re a sucker for adorable children, you better have your wallet ready.

The Tempest is Back

Maybe you’ve noticed, probably not. I’ve taken a week off from The Tempest. Going a week without writing here is a rare thing. In the ten plus years since I’ve had this blog it’s only happened twice. This time I wasn’t sick or out of the country. I just got tired of hearing myself think. This time of year is the busiest for my business. I meet with clients to conduct annual reviews, one after another, non-stop. By the end of the day I am sick of the sound of my own voice. I am equally tired of thinking too heavily about things. So instead of writing blogs I have been flooding my Facebook feed with Dad Jokes. I explained it to my daughter this way...What’s better for humanity, bad Dad Jokes or political opinions?

Here’s the thing about jokes, making them doesn’t mean you’re not a serious human being. All it does is provide evidence that you are a human being. Yes, yes, I understand that these are serious times in which we live and very important things are happening which require serious thinking etc..etc. but along with all this seriousness comes mental exhaustion. It is simply impossible to devote yourself to earnestness 24/7 without becoming a colossal bore.

“But, how can you crack jokes about something as important as...” is a common refrain I hear from my more serious friends, to which my answer is always something along the lines of...Why not? Who died and put you in charge of humor?

So, yes, I consider myself a reasonably serious person who cares about very important things. But honestly there is nothing any more fun than cracking a joke during the middle of a highly charged political debate, especially when its at your own expense! To that end I had the following discussion with my daughter the other day:

Me: I want to start a movement on Facebook where every political rant gets answered with a similarly themed Dad Joke. Something along these lines: “The election was stolen from Trump!” Answer: “Not only that but the thieves made off with all the toilets at the Justice Department and now the FBI has nothing to go on!”

Kaitlin: Great!!

Me: Now, you try one.

Kaitlin: Ok. Give me a political rant suggestion.

Me: “Say what you want about Trump, but he was the most pro-LIFE president we’ve ever had!”

Kaitlin: Well, you know what they say, “Beggars can’t be CHOOSERS.”

Me: EXCELLENT. See how easy that was? Here was mine, “Maybe so, but sales of Cheerios and Frosted Flakes have tanked!!”

On a different subject, Tom Brady just won his seventh Super Bowl, the halftime of which featured a singer who I had never heard of...a first. Sure there have been other acts that I didn’t know very well, but this was the first one who I didn’t even know existed. The Weeknd. He’s Canadian, I’m told. What did I think? I don’t know really. Since I had never heard any of his music before I have no opinion on how well he performed them, because I have nothing to compare them to. I’ll say this for him...he was fully clothed and his performance lacked any pelvic thrusting gyrations into the camera. In fact the entire show seemed devoid of any sexual subtext...a rarity anymore. Much has been said about the underwear headgear of his army of marchers. I just figured it was a way to stay compliant with the mask mandate. The only thing about the show that set me back was when the jockstrap-wearing dancers started goose-stepping in unison—an extraordinarily bad look—after everything we’ve gone through in the past year! But, I’m thinking that The Weeknd is probably far too young to comprehend the historical optics of the goose step.

Oh...and here’s some great news!!

So, there you have it. The Tempest is back, as incoherent and scattered as ever.

Reader: You’re back? I didn’t even know you were gone!!

Now For Some Great News

Finally, some good news:

Cable News Ratings Fall Back to Earth In First Post-Trump Week...

Good. Excellent, in fact. It is my considered opinion that the mental health of the United States, not to mention the citizens who live here, rises and falls in complete correlation with the ratings of cable news. The more we watch, the more insane we become. So, any news suggesting that we are watching less cable news is always to be celebrated.

But Doug, you say, isn’t it the duty of every American to be well informed on the affairs of state? Perhaps. In theory, a working knowledge of current events has its advantages, I suppose. But, is that what the average cable news show is disseminating? Are they keeping us informed or enraged? Is their goal to present a straight forward summary of the major news of the day or to attract as many eyeballs as possible by telling the most salacious story in the most salacious way possible? If every cable channel offering news has an agenda, then viewers will be forced to decide whether the knowledge gained by watching is worth wading through that agenda, slogging through the spin to find the nuggets of truth. Last week, far fewer of us did, apparently.

A very good thing.

Ahh, February

February has arrived, the Universe’s answer to the question, Is is possible for things to get worse? I have written often in this space of my feelings about February and will not badger the reader with anything further on the subject except to say that the 2021 version has the potential for all time status. What follows are just a few of the agenda items on tap this month:

- An impeachment trial of an ex-president, whereby the ancient cows of the Senate, though overwhelmed with other pressing business, prove that they can walk and chew cud at the same time.

- The continuing David v Goliath investment saga of the short sale where David is a band of basement dwelling keyboard warriors and Goliath is a pack of billionaire hedge fund managers. One can always hope that both sides end up spectacularly dead-broke.

- The slow roll out of the Great Vaccination, with the usual suspects gumming up the works with bureaucratic bumbling, and the other usual suspects making fools of themselves protesting the government’s evil plot to alter our DNA and sap our animal spirits...or some such thing. I can hardly keep up anymore.

- A Super Bowl played in a cavernous, mostly empty stadium featuring, once again, Tom Brady playing quarterback. No matter the outcome of the game, Brady is the winner, 43 and still at the top of a profession dominated by young men.

- Valentine’s Day, always a challenge even for the most amorous of couples, will be made far more difficult this year due to the fact that after ten months of lockdowns, quarantines, and isolation, veteran couples have long past exhausted every possible topic of conversation. “ Hey, Honey. How about we have a nice private dinner, just the two of us?”...sounds like the romance edition of Groundhog Day.

- Four more Sundays of sofa-church, where we get to stare blankly at our computer screens watching musicians sing, and preachers preach, trying to remember to close our eyes when somebody is praying, all while wearing pajamas and sporting bed head hair.

Can’t wait.

The Bottom of the Barrel

As most of you know, I’ve been sending three jokes a day to a friend of mine with cancer for the past seventeen months. She has completed the course of treatment which included much chemo, several surgeries and a host of other side effects. She is cancer free and getting stronger by the day, but it has been a brutal slog. Still, I send her jokes, not every day anymore, but I still send her jokes. Once you start doing something, it becomes a habit, I suppose. At some point, I expect she will turn on me and say something like, “No really Doug...you can stop anytime!!” This morning would have been a golden opportunity for her to put a stop to the harassment...

Just blew the sugar off my doughnut.

....dieting is so hard.

My ex-wife still misses me.

But, her aim is starting to improve.

How do pigeons elect their leaders?

They don’t. Pigeons can only gain power through a cooo d’etat.

I believe it fair to say that the bottom of the barrel has finally been reached.

Motivation Matters

My eyes popped open in the still, pitch black bedroom. I squinted across at the digital clock on the television. 4:43 am. The first thing I thought was, wonder if it snowed? The second thing I thought about was soldiers and mercenaries. It had been the last thing I remember thinking before I had drifted off to sleep seven hours earlier. And now the thought was still with me, soldiers and mercenaries, and the difference between the two.

Almost everyone has respect for soldiers. With the notable exception of Vietnam, soldiers have always been welcomed home with the warm thanks of their grateful countrymen. Even when we disagree about the wars they are asked to fight, we generally honor the men and women who do the fighting. We admire their training, tenacity and bravery, and especially their devotion to duty and each other. We build statues and memorials to them. We know that they put themselves in harms way, for little pay, so the rest of us don’t have to. We marvel at their acts of heroism. We stand in awe of those few who intentionally give up their own lives to save the lives of the men in their unit. The selfless sacrifice stirs us. It causes thousands of us to walk up to complete strangers in uniform who we see at the airport to thank them for their service. They hold a special place in our affections.

But, consider the mercenary. They are also well trained, tenacious and brave. They also willingly place themselves in harms way so the rest of us don’t have to. But no one writes songs about their heroism. There isn’t a single statue in a single town in America that honors them. Nobody would buy a book entitled, A Mercenary’s Diary. The very idea of someone who is willing to sell his killing skills to the highest bidder sickens us. We turn away from such people. We don’t see them as selfless and honorable. And yet, they perform the same function as a front line soldier when the bullets start flying. Why don’t we honor the mercenary? Because of one thing...motivation. The thought that someone would be eager to fight if the price was right, for whichever side wants him the most,  reduces the job of soldiering to a mere financial transaction. Fighting, even fighting our enemies, when stripped of devotion and love of country becomes the blackest of arts. The triumph of money over principle changes everything.

This thought has dominated my waking hours for the past few days. Why do we work? What motivates us to strive and struggle for money? Many noble things, no doubt. We want to provide for those we love. We want to have a nice home, a nice car, educate our children, go on nice vacations. All of these things require money. The motivation to provide these things is what drives us out of bed every morning. We know that we can’t just sit around expecting someone else to give us anything. This is right and proper. But is the pursuit of money all that matters. Does it matter how we earn our money? For this discussion, I am not referring to what is legal and what is not. I think we would all agree that selling drugs to middle school kids is an evil enterprise, no matter how profitable it might be. But, not everything that’s legal is noble. Not every profitable transaction is honorable. Each of us are asked to make moral distinctions on practically a daily basis. I am sick. I need a vaccine. To obtain that vaccine is it morally justifiable to skip the line, throw some money around to bypass those unable to do so? It is the same with how we earn money. Everyone must ask themselves, Although what I’m doing is perfectly legal, is it just? Is there such a thing as too much money, an amount that would change who you are were you to become in possession of it? From my perspective after 62 years, I believe that making money off the misery of others, capitalizing on the failure of others for profit feels like darkness to me. Ambulance chasing lawyers come to mind. Payday lenders. Loan sharks. Price gougers. Short sellers...

Motivation matters...and these days, motivation is everything.