Learning to Live With an Apple Watch

My wife bought me an Apple Watch for Christmas. It wasn’t on my list, but I was the only one left in the family who didn’t have one so she surprised me with the thing. So far, I like it. It does some pretty cool things. But after three weeks of wearing it every day I have to admit that from time to time I resent it. I feel judged by my watch!

Ok, here is what the face of it looks like. It was no small feat to come up with that look. I had to choose from between dozens of designs, colors and styles. I finally picked this one and feel ok with it. However, the little icon that I have circled in red, has caused me no end of agitation and annoyance. Of course, in one brush of my index finger I could prohibit its appearance on the face of the watch altogether, but as you will soon learn, that would be tantamount to capitulation and out of the question! What is it, you ask?

Like most technological innovations, its intentions are quite noble. It is an Activity Tracker. Using parameters set up by me, it is designed to keep track of three things—1. my daily calorie burn calculated by my movement, 2. How much time I spend in exercise which is calculated by my heart rate, and 3. How many times I stand up during the day, or my stand goal. Throughout the day, as progress is made, the colored circles make their way—clockwise—around the face of the watch. Whenever any of the three circles is completed I get a creepy technological “Atta boy” in the form of what looks like a fireworks explosion on my wrist. Today, for instance, I was praised for standing up so much. This happens every day since I spend most of my time at work walking around the office while working and to avoid working. I’m not big on sitting. To rub in my failures, there’s another display which reminds you just how much of a bum you are…

To make matters infinitely worse, there are the little affirmation reminders which never fail to annoy me…

As bad as these Activity Tracker Affirmations are, the worse part is when the thing buzzes on my wrist, I look down expecting maybe a text from Pam but instead there’s a mindfulness reminder, whereby I am urged to take a moment to be…mindful. I am not told exactly what I am to be mindful about,  just that I need a mindfulness break. So, what does an almost 64 year old decidedly unmindful guy do? I Google it. 

Turns out that the mindfulness business is booming. I was diverted quickly to some outfit which promised to be on the mindfulness cutting edge with this stemwinder…

“An innovative technology that integrates cutting edge developments in neuropsychology with alternative modalities, including kinesiology, mindfulness meditation, acupressure/acupuncture, and the chakra system of the Vedic tradition.“

I might not have a clue what the Chakra system of the Vedic tradition is, but it sure sounds like something I want no part of. That’s a bit more than I bargained for. Best I can figure, “mindfulness” is the modern, hip version of what used to be called, “take a deep breath and count to ten.” But, how does my watch know that I need to take a mindfulness break? Is it just suggesting it at random on the assumption that I’m stressed? Or, is it tied to my heart rate or blood pressure? The whole thing is unnerving. 

And yet, even though I know its just a watch, I feel judged when its 8 o’clock at night and my “exercise ring” has barely budged. So now, in addition to all my other worries, I have feelings of activity inadequacy brought on by the smartest watch I’ve ever owned. My old watch might have stopped working at the worst possible time because its battery went dead…but it never gave me grief for being a couch potato. 

But, every time I look down at the thing and see a picture of someone I love, I feel like Dick Tracy, and that’s kinda cool.