Wednesday, November 11, 2020

Family Stories

Montgomery took a break from his writing, poured a cup of coffee and picked up the gold framed portrait of his parents from the gallery of pictures stacked across the top of the spinet piano in his library. Elizabeth’s smile was gentle, understated, as if she knew not to get too complacent. Life had a way of ambushing happiness. Truth be told, life as she had experienced it, was a series of shocks, unforeseen body blows administered by either providence or fate, that were meant to be overcome by force of will and unquestioned faith in the sovereignty of God. There was no room for bitterness, no time for selfishness and no point in questioning one’s lot in life. You get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit, she would say. Montgomery placed the picture back on the piano, sat back down and begin to think about what was perhaps his mother’s most difficult body blow. 


He had been eight years old. He was alone with his mother in their tiny cramped apartment in New Orleans, the result of her husband’s midlife religious conversation. In five short years since he had seen the light, everything about their lives had changed. Edward Duncan, with a wife and four kids, had quit the best job he ever had, enrolled in college and taken the graveyard shift at a factory in town to pay the bills, all in obedience to what he claimed was the audible voice of God calling him into the ministry while driving to work on Jefferson Davis highway in his beat up Plymouth Fury III. New Orleans was home to the Seminary to which he was accepted as the oldest student of the class of 1968. Now, six Duncans were shoehorned into a two bedroom apartment in the hottest, most humid place in the world.

It was another June 5th, a momentous date in Taylor family history, this time in 1966 when a sharp knock on the door surprised Montgomery’s mother. She had been cutting up vegetables in the kitchen and dropped the knife on the tile floor at the sound of it. She quickly dried her hands on a towel and opened the door. A tall dark haired man in a stiff black suit and a Bible in his hands stood in the doorway. He looked to be sweating around the collar of his stiffly starched shirt. His eyes were thin and glassy, his extended hand ghastly white and shaking. The angel of death.

“Elizabeth Taylor?” He asked politely.

Montgomery had been on the floor in front of the grainy black and white television with aluminum foil wrapped around its rabbit ears, trying to watch The Lone Ranger, but the appearance of the stranger at the door had turned his head just in time to see his mother lift both hands to cover her mouth as she responded, “Oh Lord, it’s my mother, isn’t it?”

Twenty four hours later the Duncans were crammed into a 1962 Chevy Impala station wagon headed back to Blue Hill for Edna Taylor’s funeral. Montgomery had picked up tidbits of the details surrounding the tragedy but not enough to understand. But as the roar of the recapped tires against the interstate hummed him to sleep he wondered how it was that his mother knew who had died before the weary man in the black suit had even spoken.

On the morning of the 5th on Blue Hill, Edna was scurrying around trying to get everything together for her weekly trip into Buckingham Courthouse with her impatient, whirling dervish of a husband, Madison Taylor, older brother of Uriah and the clear alpha dog of his loud and boisterous clan. Montgomery’s grandfather had always been a source of fascination to him. His voice boomed out from his throat like the words had been shot out of a cannon which always startled him. He was perpetually in motion, a man of action who never slowed down for anything, even to eat. Montgomery remembered watching in awe as his larger than life grandfather devoured a bowl of cereal in what seemed to be a matter of seconds. The man was stone cold deaf and no doubt could hear very little of what his talkative grandson was saying while he followed him around as he did his morning chores in the barns at Blue Hill. This morning was unlike any other, Madison Taylor was in a hurry. He had loaded the metal jugs of milk in the back of the pick up truck and had been ready to leave fifteen minutes before Edna finally climbed into her seat. “You’ll be late for your own funeral,” he teased. “Maybe so,” she responded, “but I’ll be well dressed.”

The dirt road that split the property was notoriously hilly and narrow, its one lane barely wide enough for one car, let alone two. As it left the farm and got within a stone’s throw of the State road, there was a steep hill where if you made the trip in the morning you looked directly into the sun, temporarily blinding you until you reached the crest. At the top of the hill on this morning, Madison Taylor’s pickup truck was going fast, wheels spinning, trying to get a grip in the loose gravel. When he broke through the bright sunlight it was too late. He collided head on with a vehicle breaking through the sun at the same time sending Edna, in the days before seatbelts, headlong into the windshield. She died at the scene and for all practical purposes her death put an end to the idyllic life the Taylor family had built at Blue Hill. Within a couple years a grief stricken Madison Taylor had sold the house and land. He couldn’t bear being reminded of Edna at every turn in the great empty house. The loss of Blue Hill being the biggest ripple from Edna Taylor’s tragic and untimely death.

An eight year old’s memories are famously obscure and befuddled. Such was the case with Montgomery Duncan’s as he tried to piece together the details of the funeral. He remembered not being allowed to go inside the church. He was kept in a car in the parking lot with a group of other young cousins. It was 1966 and perhaps the thought was that young children might not be ready for an open casket. The one image that remained crystal clear was that of two strong uncles holding each arm of his oldest cousin, Richie who seemed beyond consolation as he staggered into the church. Richie was the oldest son of Edna’s first born war hero, Johnnie, the one who had appeared to her the night before D-Day twenty one years to the day of her death. As her first grandson, Richie had been particularly beloved. He had loved his grandmother back with equal devotion, so her loss had hit him especially hard. But the sight of him being helped into the church, so distraught and overwhelmed had brought tears to Montgomery’s eyes. It had been Richie who had been behind the wheel of the car that collided with Madison’s pick up truck. The trauma the accident would prove to be the most difficult chapter of the Taylor family’s history.

Richie went on to live an extraordinary life, overcoming the sort of tragedy that might have forever damaged a lesser man. Within three years he was earning combat medals in Vietnam as an Army Ranger. Upon returning to the States after the war, he married well, raised a family of beautiful children, and worked heroically in local law enforcement for years. For Montgomery, Richie Taylor would forever be a hero, a man who overcame the tragic fate that had visited him on a clear morning in the summer of 1966.


                                                                                                              ###


Edna Taylor tossed and turned on the night of June 4th, 1944. It had been a rough Monday. Her knees were aching from being on her feet all day. Her back throbbed from a muscle she had pulled trying to lift a sack of flour from the truck that morning. But there was something else contributing to her insomnia. Her oldest boys were in the Army and rumors had been flying all around Buckingham County that something was up. Something over there. In all the time they had been gone she had received precious little communication, her boys not being big letter writers. What letters she did get were all weeks after the fact. They had survived North Africa. They had made it through Sicily. Still, she worried all day every day that she would get a visit from the man in the black car, the angel of death from the Defense Department. Every time she would see dust rising on the road in the distance her heart would skip a beat. Her husband would tell her, “Johnnie and Billy can take care of themselves. Rest easy, Edna.” But, at night after he had fallen asleep she was left in the bleak darkness of Blue Hill to battle her doubts and fears alone.

She wrapped her gown tightly around her shoulders and walked downstairs to the kitchen. Even though it was summertime it was still cool in the house late at night. She lifted a biscuit from under the checkered cloth of the bread basket, spread some jam on it and ate while she stared off into the distance. She thought about how painful it had been to lose Chesty. She tried to imagine if she had it in her to survive losing another. The tears overcame her quickly. She threw the biscuit to the side and buried her head in her hands, weeping like only a grieving mother can.

She felt a warm hand on her shoulder. She immediately regretted her outburst. Her husband needed his sleep more than anyone and all of her blubbering had woken him up. But when she looked up she felt a rush of cool air. Her heart raced. She could feel the hairs on her neck standing up as she looked into the face of her oldest, Johnnie. 

He smiled down at her, his wire rimmed glasses shimmering in the lantern light. He was in his dress uniform, medals on his left breast pocket, boots sharply polished and gleaming. He spoke, “Hello, Momma. It’s me, Johnnie. I don’t have much time but I wanted to let you know that me and Billy are going to be fine. We don’t want you worrying yourself to death, you hear? We love you and we promise we will be back before you know it.”

And just like that he vanished and she was alone in the kitchen, her heart pounding but now filled with joy. When weeks later word came that both of them had been on the beaches at Normandy, Edna Taylor, like Mary the Mother of Jesus 2000 years before, pondered these things in her heart. It would be years before she told the story.

By the time the story got told to Montgomery, his mother had been a bit foggy with the details. Did he appear in the kitchen or at her bedside? Was he wearing his dress uniform or his bloodied and stained combat clothes? But in every iteration he had heard, the consistent facts were that on the night before the D-Day assault in France, her tank-driving, war hero son had made a visit to Blue Hill to reassure his mother that he was going to make it.

But as Montgomery wrote the story down it occurred to him that the Taylor family lore wasn’t just stories of comforting visitations. Like all family histories, it’s a mixture of comedy and tragedy, ghosts from the past who bring both life and death. Just four years after D-Day came such a story.

Doug, What’s With All The Jokes?

For the past couple of weeks I have been overcome by an irresistible desire to...change the subject. From what to what? Well, from the election to practically anything else. Want to enter in to an in-depth discussion about quantum physics? I’m game. How about a riveting debate about the proper way to clean grout in the shower? Sure! Hell, I’ll even engage you in a hardy exchange of ideas about (gulp)...soccer! But, judging from my Facebook feed, I have been largely unsuccessful. It has not been for lack of trying.

My preferred technique has been to share with the world the selection of truly awful jokes that I send to Pam Cole every morning. As she might say, “Why should I be the only one who suffers?” For example, about thirty minutes ago I lit her up with these:

-A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks,“Hey, what’s with the paper towel?” The pirate answers, “Arrgh, I’ve got a Bounty on me head...”

-Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram....I was like, 0mg.

-How do you contact the spirit of a dead Italian?  With a Luigi board.

-Did I ever tell you about the fat girl I dated once? I’m telling you, she was one fat girl. We met at the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade...she was wearing ropes.

Maybe many of you are getting annoyed with my flippancy at a time of such political and social tumult. The thinking goes this way...At a time when the very foundations of the country are being rocked, where the future of our democracy is at stake and our world is being visited by a relentlessly spreading viral pandemic, it’s time to get serious!!

My answer is...if a time of such foundation rocking, pandemic spreading chaos isn’t a time for terrible jokes, when, pray tell, is?

That’s easy for you to say, Doug. Your guy won. Not at all. If you think my volume of jokes is excessive now, I can guarantee you that it would be off the charts if Trump won. Look, despair is an insidious plague on the human mind. It must be fought with every tool at our disposal. To give in to it invites debilitating unhappiness. Despair robs a person of the capacity for joy, it blinds people to beauty. It is the vowed enemy of a flourishing life. 

So, in the face of life’s worst moments, I simply choose to find humor where I can. That doesn’t make me unserious. In fact, I am deadly serious when it comes to the business of avoiding despair. For me it is a daily imperative, to which there is no alternative.

Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Lucy the Lunatic

I haven’t written about my dog, Lucy the Lunatic, in a while. That’s not because she hasn’t done anything interesting, more like there have been other things crowding her out. But, exactly a week out from the Election seems like a good time to get you all caught up on the status of her mental health, which I can faithfully report is largely unchanged. She remains a lunatic.

Lucy is throughly enjoying having Bernadette living here. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that she has enjoyed having Bernadette’s boyfriend here. Whenever Bern comes home, Lucy gives her the welcome home jiggles for 15 seconds or so. But when Isaac shows up she goes into full scale pandemonium. Still, Lucy loves people, so the more the merrier.

We have advised Bernadette that she should place a gate in front of her bedroom door whenever she leaves the house to prevent Lucy from pilfering her belongings, as she has been known to do from time to time. But, every once in a while she forgets. When she does, the following happens...every single time:



This has been a long time habit. We have never figured out the purpose of this particular idiosyncrasy. Is it some sort of hoarding instinct? Why only one sock? Who knows? All I know is that whenever she gets the opportunity Lucy will carefully remove one sock from wherever we left it and take it with her to our bedroom and place it on the bed. That’s it. She doesn’t destroy it. She merely removes it from the shoe or the floor, places it softly in her mouth, then relocates it to our bed. Sometimes she parades by us to show us what she is doing before finishing the job. Bernadette has learned the hard way. She has found one of her socks missing on many occasions since she has lived here, finding them near Pam’s pillow on our bed every single time. If there are any dog psychologists out there who can clue us in as to what to make of this behavior, I would appreciate it. A few days ago she added a new twist. I had left my Cappy’s hat on the floor beside my recliner the other night. When I went to retrieve it, it was nowhere to be found. Then I walked into our bedroom and there was Lucy taking a nap...and my Cappy’s hat right next to my pillow.


Lucy the Lunatic strikes again...





Sunday, November 8, 2020

Godspeed, Joe.

We have a new chief executive. Joe Biden is the 46th President in our country’s short 244 year history. It took a while for the verdict to arrive, but it finally has. Many of you are elated, others are disappointed, even others apoplectic. As of this hour, five days after the election, there has been very little in the way of violence, so far making my apprehension from November 2nd’s post seem overwrought. Thank God. What follows are my disjointed thoughts about everything that has happened since Election Day, in no particular order of significance.

-  I watched a bit of the Biden-Harris acceptance speech thing last night. There were many images of people in various stages of emotional rapture, tears flowed from some like water. Other faces beamed with what can only be described as ecstasy. I have seen images from the other side in recent days as well, full of gravely downcast faces etched with pain and disappointment mixed in with the occasional image of an angry face screwed up in spittle-spewing rage. I see the images and recall similar ones from previous elections and remain completely puzzled by it all. If I understand the whole privilege-check movement, this is where I should admit how lucky I am to feel so secure in life that I don’t have to worry about mere politics. The problem with that is...its not true. My life, my livelihood, even my future is indeed impacted by whichever party is running the country and whoever is in the White House. So, yes, I do have a stake in who wins and who loses. But for the life of me I can’t imagine ever being moved to tears or spurred on to ecstasy by the election of...anyone. Don’t misunderstand, I do not mean to disparage those who do, it’s just not something that I can imagine. I mean...its like...politics. If I were ever to write an autobiography, I can’t imagine referencing a single politician in my lifetime as someone who made even the slightest difference in how my life turned out. Credit for whatever accomplishments were worthy enough to mention would be spread around to many, many people, but not a single politician. Blame for my many missteps would fall almost exclusively on myself for some of the mind-numbing bonehead decisions I made along the way. Again, I needed no help from the Democratic or Republican parties on that score either. I simply cannot summon the depth of emotional attachment that the partisans bring to these elections. 

-  It hasn’t surprised me, nor should it have surprised anyone else that the current President has claimed that massive voter fraud has cost him re-election, and not just the cold mathematics of 4 million votes. He persists in his years long claim that the fix was in and thousands of volunteers throughout the country have conspired to not count his votes and double count Biden’s vote...or something. So far no evidence has been produced to demonstrate how these cheaters pulled all this off. I doubt it ever will, because the fact of the vote stealing isn’t nearly as important as the accusation of the vote stealing. This fresh new conspiracy theory will never die as long as I live, evidence or no evidence. People will make millions writing books about it. Someone will give it an iconic name like Mail-Gate, and it will end up being the 21st century’s grassy knoll/ second shooter boondoggle.

-  Joe Biden winds up being just the second Democrat I have voted for on the Presidential level. I’m not thrilled about that fact. I am fully aware that his party (if not him) is opposed to me on many issues facing the country. I suffer no illusions when it comes to the real damage that some of the more radical parts of the far left agenda could do to the finances and prosperity of the country. However, I have known all about Joe Biden for 47 years now. Although he has been almost comically wrong about a whole host of things in his interminable career, Joe Biden is not by any reasonable definition a leftist. For most of his time in public service he has been a decidedly unserious man who’s one great gift has always been making friends and working out compromise. One of his friends from his time in the Senate was...Mitch McConnel. The best case scenario is that his propensity for wheeling and dealing over a game of poker and bourbon with old friends in the Senate will forge some actual, you know, legislation that will do the country some good. The much thinner majority that his party holds in the House and a deadlocked Senate might actually produce some humility. Maybe with the removal from the scene of Trump’s epic toxicity, people in government will be just slightly more trusting of one another. On the other hand, Biden could end up being the Manchurian candidate some on the right have claimed him to be. This is, after all, 2020.

-  Not long after the election I started noticing people on Facebook talking about something called Parler. It is advertised as a Facebook alternative for Conservatives who want no more of Mark Zuckerberg’s censorship. Pam was curious so she visited their website and sent me this summary which she found at the bottom of the page:


I’m all for “moderating my world”. Who wouldn’t be in 2020? But a closer inspection reveals that what this amounts to is exactly what The Social Dilemma warns about...let’s all cordon ourselves off from anyone who might disagree with us. Let’s all erect our own truth wall and block anyone who might have a different take. My gut instinct says that this is the very definition of...snowflakes. On the other hand, maybe it’s just as well. Nobody convinces anyone of anything on Facebook anyway, so why not just flee to the ideologically calmer waters of a place that encourages people to “do your own shadow-banning!”

-  A lesser discussed consequence of this election needs to be shared to my readers, and that is the happy fact that after a four year absence, dogs will once again roam the halls of the West Wing. I believe that Joe Biden has German Shepherds, not my favorite breed, but a vast, immeasurable improvement over nothing. In addition, one of Biden’s Shepherds is a rescue, another White House first.



-  Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Philadelphia became the site of a press conference by President Trump’s legal team at literally the exact moment that all major networks declared Joe Biden the winner of the election. Absolutely, positively only in America...



- Tomorrow morning, all of us will wake up, take a shower, grab some breakfast and head off to work, exactly like we did before Election Day. Some of you will have a little extra spring in your step. Some will not. Some of my favorite people on this planet voted for the other guy. I am proud to say that I have not lost a single friend over this contest...at least before this post! Hopefully it’s still true.


- I wish our new President every success. I pray that his health will be able to hold up against the relentless demands of his office. I have my doubts which means that I must pray for him even harder. Although I can think of at least a dozen democrats who would probably make a better President, none of them won. Joe’s the guy. He’s my President now, like it or not. Godspeed, Joe.




Saturday, November 7, 2020

A Wonderful Discovery

I still have nothing to say about the results of the 2020 election. Which is just as well since everyone’s Facebook feed is chocked full of opinions. Who needs one more?

However, I do have something important to say. Yesterday at roughly 12:30 in the afternoon, I may have had the best Reuben sandwich of my entire life. I found myself on route 522 in Powhatan County after an ill-advised, spur of the moment decision I had made to go fishing on the James River. Note: don’t go to the James River to fish anytime after a drenching rain. The resulting mud bog makes it nearly impossible to get close enough to the water to fish without having your feet fly out from underneath you, throwing you flat on your back gazing up at the clear blue skies—which may or may not have happened. But, I digress. 

So after my misadventure, I realized I was hungry. As I drove down 522 in the general direction of Maidens, Va. I was thrilled to discover this little hole in the wall:



A converted gas station, in business since 2009, The Cafe at Maidens, is in the middle of nowhere. Nevertheless its parking lot was full, always a good sign. I counted one Mercedes Benz, two pickup trucks, a motorcycle, and now my Cadillac, among the eclectic assortment of vehicles at this unimpressive dump on a country road thirty minutes from my home in Short Pump. Their one unisex bathroom was clean as a whistle, good thing since it took me several minutes and half a roll of paper towels to remove all the mud from my hands and clothes, the result of the unfortunate incident at the river which I can neither confirm or deny actually took place. After cleaning up I took my place in a line of very happy people who all seemed thrilled to be at The Cafe at Maidens. It appeared that everyone except me was a regular, each greeting the other with cheerful familiarity. The woman behind the counter taking orders seemed positively ecstatic to be doing so, smiling from ear to ear, suggesting that everyone try the potato salad which she described as “extra delicious today!” As soon as I saw the Reuben on the chalkboard menu, there was no need to look anywhere else. I have a long history with this particular sandwich. Simply put, the flavor combinations of aged Swiss cheese, Thousand Island dressing, sauerkraut and corned beef on perfectly toasted rye bread is possibly the most delectable such combination yet devised by the culinary arts. At least most of the time. Too often, by the time this classic arrives at your table, the toast has gotten soggy...one of my pet peeves. No worries at The Cafe at Maidens. This thing was a masterpiece, beautiful to the eye with its stacked corned beef, generous and perfectly placed, and a feast to the taste buds as well. Even to the last bite, the toast remained crispy and stout. Appropriately, my fingers were dripping with dressing after the last bite. Oh, and the claim by Miss Sunshine about the potato salad? On point. It was divine.

So, if you should ever find yourself on a whimsical drive in the country on state route 522 between the James River and route 60, between the hours of 6:30 am and 2:30 pm, drop in to the dumpy looking ex-filling station for a bite to eat. 

You’ll thank me later.




Wednesday, November 4, 2020

State Slogans That Came In Second Place

State Slogans that came in second place:

• Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

• Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! 

• Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat 

• Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything 

• California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda 

• Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother 

• Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet 

• Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water 

• Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids 

• Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism 

• Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) 

• Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good 

• Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" 

• Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free 

• Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn 

• Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States 

• Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names 

• Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign 

• Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster 

• Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It 

• Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) 

• Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians 

• Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes 

• Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State 

• Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work 

• Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else 

• Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest 

• Nevada: Hookers and Poker! 

• New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone 

• New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! 

• New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets 

• New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... 

• North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable 

• North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! 

• Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan 

• Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing 

• Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner 

• Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal 

• Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island 

• South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender 

• South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota 

• Tennessee: You Need Our Help Where 

• Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) 

• Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus 

• Vermont: Yep 

• Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? 

• Washington: What Rain? 

• Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? 

• West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really! 

• Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese 

• Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!

You’ll Have To Give Me a Minute

As the worst case scenario plays out in front of me I am forced to retreat to the safety of Gary Larson. You guys will have to give me a few days to sort everything out. In the meantime: