My Missing Opinions

Preparing to leave your life behind for a month takes a lot of planning, coordination and hard work. It’s not easy to walk away from a business for a month. So, generally speaking, the weeks leading up to a month long vacation are jam packed with the tyranny of the urgent sort of things. That’s where I’m at now. I know, I know...poor, poor, pitiful me, right? The only reason I bring this up is as explanation for why I have been largely silent on a number of momentous, if bizarre, topics in the news of late. I have withheld comment mostly because I haven’t had the time to do enough research to comment intelligently, but partially because I’m tired of opinions of any kind. 

Looking back over what I just wrote there is a totally unintended joke hiding in that last paragraph. “I haven’t had time to do enough research to comment intelligently.” Holy crap, that’s hilarious. This is 2020 social media...since when is research a prerequisite for anything?

Be that as it may, I’m old school enough to think that I should at least dig a bit deeper than a meme-level understanding of a topic before I dive in with a take. Therefore, I have had nothing to say about:

Defund The Police

Seattle’s Autonomous Zone

The wholesale tearing down of monuments by night in my city and other cities around the country and indeed the world.

I’m not likely to write about any of these things in detail anytime soon. We leave exactly two weeks from today, so time for reflection will be in short supply. Once I get to Maine, a blessed cone of silence will descend over me, which will allow very little extraneous interference in. There will be no television. No newspapers except the Village Soup and the Camden Herald, the two local beacons of all news that’s fit to print. Yes, I will have internet, but mostly that will be used to keep a lifeline of connection to my business and clients open, in case of emergencies. Occasionally, especially during then first few days of adjustment, I will follow world events via my cell phone. But as the days go by and Maine begins to sink its talons into me, I will lose interest in anything that doesn’t involve fishing, swimming, eating, writing and the grandeur of God’s creation. So, that doesn’t leave a lot of time to form opinions. Consequently, the world might have to get along without Doug Dunnevant’s view of whether or not defunding the police is just another groovy revolutionary-chic catch phrase typical of the loopy left, or actually an idea with public policy merit. 

Somehow, I believe that the Republic will survive without this Blogger’s insights.

The Power of a Photograph

So, I told you about my big brother falling down a flight of stairs a couple of weeks ago. He broke his glasses, and was very sore for a few days, but luckily didn’t break anything. The problem has been that he has been in quite a bit of pain ever since the fall, raising concerns with his doctors. On their advice, he went for an MRI the other day to see if there was something else going on. The Doctors needed to rule out any cognitive impairment, a tricky proposition with we Dunnevant men since it is so difficult to tell. Are we cognitively impaired or just plain weird? There isn’t an MRI machine in the world powerful enough to answer that question. Nevertheless, there he was yesterday laying in one of those open MRI machines, since the big baby couldn’t handle the regular kind. Anyway, instead of finding mental problems they discovered he had sustained a torn rotator cuff. Well, I thought, no dang wonder  he’s been in so much pain! Poor guy. There’s no pain like rotator cuff pain, not to mention the fact that now he’ll have to give up his dream of making it to the big leagues as a flame-flowing closer for the Nationals.

Over the past couple of days I have come across two amazing photographs. The first was a picture of the recent Black Lives Matter protest in Hollywood, California.

My reaction upon seeing this was, “Ok, if we don’t see a huge surge in Coronavirus cases in Los Angeles in the next three weeks, I’m going to demand some answers from the folks at the CDC and WHO!!”

Then there’s this...

Yes friends, this is the mother of all photo ops, a picture so run through with symbolism and pathos it boggles the mind.  Democrats taking a knee just outside the Congressional cafeteria. I’m told that they held this pose for 8 and a half minutes, the same amount of time that George Floyd had to endure a knee to the throat from that racist Minneapolis cop. 

I’m sorry. I just can’t. I think that if Webster’s ever publishes a completely illustrated version of their famous Dictionary, this photograph will serve as the definition of pandering. I mean, it’s perfect. Except, what’s up with...who is that, Jerry Nadler...the white dude standing up? What’s his story? What, you got a bum knee or something Jerry? The nerve of that guy!!

Oh...and Nancy has got a lot to learn about how to wear a face mask.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Doug, aren’t you being a little harsh? Aren’t these Democrats just trying to do the right thing here, strike the right conciliatory tone in contrast to Trump’s nihilistic blather? Sure, there’s always that possibility. But everything in my 62 years of education, training and experience practically screams at me that this was a focus group tested publicity stunt. The good news is that at least during these eight and a half minutes, these men and women weren’t up to any legislative mischief. Well Doug, you’re just a cynic, then. Well, if by cynic you mean that I generally question the integrity and sincerity of the political class, and believe with all my heart that their primary motivation is their own self interest, then yes. I am a cynic. But I didn’t come by my cynicism by chance or some quirk of fate. It has been earned by a half century of duplicitous, self dealing men and women from both parties who have attempted to manipulate me with such photographs.

Speaking of stagecraft propaganda photo ops...

Alec, I’ll take “books Trump has never read” for $1000.

One more for the Webster’s Illustrated Dictionary...under despicable...

Famous People and Twitter

I have been shocked at the number of people who have lost their jobs and reputations over the past few weeks over comments made over social media platforms that have suddenly become lethal. It’s really not a new phenomenon, but has gained momentum in this post George Floyd world. Some have decried the First Amendment implications and the Brave New World thought police nature of it all. Others have pointed out that the First Amendment protects us from governmental suppression of free expression, but does not shield us from the consequences of the words we speak. Fair enough, but something tells me that this will feel like a distinction without a difference to the guy who gets crucified over a remark that three weeks ago wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow...see: Brees, Drew.

But, then it occurs to me that this very blog is probably chocked full of ill-considered ideas, phrases, and expressions that could destroy me if I were a public figure. The Tempest is over ten years old. I have written over 2000 posts, a whopping 1,300,000 words covering every topic imaginable. I have no doubt that there are plenty of inappropriate, over the top insensitive remarks on any number of hot topics. Heck, I even had a two part argument with myself over gay marriage back in the day. I shudder to think how that would have gone over in this environment. The thing is, I also have no doubt that I have been wrong about a lot of things I’ve written about. The Doug Dunnevant of today would probably take issue with the Doug Dunnevant of 2013. But, that’s the nature of the human experience. We grow and mature and our opinions change, hopefully for the better. We discover new information and make changes in our views. We meet someone who brings a fresh perspective on an issue that helps us understand better. For Christians like me there’s also the influence of the Holy Spirit, as he whispers to us, a whisper that we often don’t hear because of our stubbornness, but when we do changes how we see and understand the world. So, I will offer no apologies for what I have written here. It was an accurate and honest reflection of what was in my mind and heart when I wrote it. To the extent that it may have been boneheaded and tone deaf, well...that’s how we roll as human beings, ever striving ever changing, ever edging closer and closer to the truth.

But seriously? If I were a famous person? I would run away from Twitter, Facebook, Instagram so fast it would make your head swim!!

T-18

Monday morning. Another week of to-do lists, appointments and commitments to honor. The week starts with glorious weather, a big help.

Meanwhile, my country is still convulsed by protests, statue toppling, and now streets being painted with giant yellow letters promising to DEFUND THE POLICE. It’s my opinion that if we’re going to start defunding stuff we should start with the Commerce Department, then work ourselves down to the police, but I suppose that’s a subject for another day. I shouldn’t quibble. This is the first time I’ve heard hardly anybody in the public square come out for defunding any part of government since the 1980’s. Progress.

We haven’t talked much about COVID for over a week now. Good and bad. Good because the relentless wall to wall doom and gloom with regards to the virus was suffocating. Bad because despite the fact that we are no longer talking about it as much, it’s still out there, people are still dying and there’s still no vaccine.

Then there’s Wall Street. I do this for a living and I still can’t explain the unexplainable. I get this a lot, “Doug, with all of this turmoil and chaos how can the stock market be going up??” My answer is usually something technical and complicated like, “Beats me.” The only thing I should point out about the stock market is the fact that there’s a big difference between the economy and the stock market. Sometimes they move in tandem, often times they do not. Additionally, stock prices are leading indicators, not lagging indicators meaning that the market for equities is set by what traders see in the future, not what is happening now. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the extent of my expert opinion on this subject that I am willing to share on this blog for two reasons. First, I started this blog ten years ago as an escape from my real job, and second, the quickest way to bore people to tears is to start talking about economics.

At the Dunnevant Compound it is T-18 days until Maine launch. All systems are not go. There are a world of details to attend to before the great adventure can begin, not the least of which is staying healthy. All I ask the rest of the Country is to try to hold itself together for just 18 more days. Once Pam and I are safely ensconced in our lake house, you are free to do whatever the next crazy thing you have in mind happens to be.

Too Soon?

Often on Fridays, I have taken a break from the momentous conflicts and catastrophes of our world to offer really terrible jokes for all of you to moan and groan over. It’s my way of reminding everyone that no matter how despicable a place this world has become, awful Dad Jokes are still quite exquisitely funny. This particular Friday morning caused me to hesitate. Is it the right time and place to be posting cringeworthy attempts at humor while all around us, man’s inhumanity to man is on the march?

After careful consideration, I have determined that it is the perfect time for what follows. These jokes are so bad they have the power to unite us all: black, white, liberal, conservative, Republican, Democrat, carnivore, vegan, devout, pious, straight, gay, married, single, Boomer, Millennial, yankee, southerner, even dog and cat..in a collective eye roll.

What happened to Bullwinkle when he was pulled over for speeding?

He was charged with a .....moosedemeanor.

The police found a chickpea that was smashed.

But after looking at the evidence, they have ruled out....hummuscide.

What do you call it when someone hates riding to work with his coworkers over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge?

Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in a year?

A Trophy.

I had a dream last night that I knighted an electric fish.

It was Sir eel.

Mike Tyson gifted little metal cups to his friends.

When they asked what it meant, he said it was a thimble of friendship.

They say that Argentina is cold.

But actually it would be more accurate to say that it borders Chile.

Confederate Statues

Woo Hoo! Thanks to our Governor, my Facebook feed will be filled to overflowing with rants about Confederate statues for at least a week, or until some fresh new abomination appears to divert our attentions elsewhere. This is 2020, after all, and every time we think it can’t get any worse, 2020 says, “hold my beer.” I will have nothing further to say on this subject. I have written about it at least three times that I can recall: 

https://doug-thetempest.blogspot.com/2017/08/my-assistant-is-well-known-for-her.html

https://doug-thetempest.blogspot.com/2017/08/hurricane-harvey-is-set-to-pound-coast.html

https://doug-thetempest.blogspot.com/2017/08/a-brief-follow-up-to-yesterdays-post.html

But maybe there have been more that I don’t recall. I will say that this is one of those subjects about which my opinion has changed over time. How I felt about the Confederate statues on Monument Avenue as a thirty year old was different than how I feel now. That’s happened to me a lot over the years. Things happen. History unfolds for me, it is an ongoing, dynamic thing, and how I think about it also changes. I have friends who as far as I can tell haven’t undergone a single change in opinion about anything over their entire lives. I marvel at their impenetrable resolve, their unflappable confidence in opinions forged as a heady adolescent that were able to withstand decades of challenges undeterred.

Of course, I am also no weather vane, constantly pulled this way and that by every idea of the moment. Some things I have been resolute about, even become more convinced of their truth; the Gospel of Jesus Christ, my Mother’s love, the power of kindness, the perfection of sausage, the beauty of music, the magic of art, the supremacy of baseball, and the allure of Maine.

But when it comes to politics and history, I am swayed by events and the preponderance of facts. I am moved by the story that raw numbers tell. I tend to judge issues based more upon their actual results than their intentions. Because of this, my views on a few things have changed because of...new information...not available to me ten, twenty, or thirty years ago. But that’s just me.

So, no pontification from me on the removal of statues this week. If you want my views, try the three links above. Meanwhile, I have sausage links to think about!

Has Anyone Been on a Virtual Doctor’s Appointment Yet?

We interrupt the regularly scheduled dystopian nightmare that is 2020 to bring you this special edition of The Temptest:

VIRTUAL DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENTS

Recently, my brother took an unfortunate tumble down a flight of stairs. He’s a big guy, 6’4” and probably 230. The bigger they are, the harder they fall, so it was quite a trip. By the time it was over he was bruised up pretty badly, his glasses were broken and his face covered in blood. Don’t worry, he’s ok now but for a while there it was scary. I’ve probably told him a thousand times to walk down stairs, but he’s the oldest. Does he listen? Of course not.

Anyway, yesterday he sends the family a text getting us caught up on the latest. In this text he told us of a virtual appointment he had just had with his doctor. The minute I hear “virtual doctor’s appointment, I didn’t hear anything else. What a concept. My mind—a carnival fun-house of the bizarre in the best of times—began churning with the possibilities. While everyone else who received the text was asking him follow up questions about his recovery and being appropriately engaged, I found myself typing this:

“Wonder how a virtual appointment with a proctologist would work? ...‘ Nurse, bring me Mr. Dunnevant’s file. It’s in the back room, near the rear of the office. Yeah, I’m thinking that virtual proctologist thing would be difficult...no if’s and’s or butts about it.”

I could actually feel the collective eye roll from all the women in the family, none of whom would even dignify my take with a response. But my big brother gets it. He shot back with:

“I wasn’t particularly impressed with the magazine collection in his virtual office.”

To which I thought, but did not respond: “Yeah, how many times can you read 2017 issues of Rectum Illustrated?”

Once allowed to go down this tricky proctologist road, my mind wandered back to when I was seven years old in our cramped New Orleans apartment watching our grainy RCA black and white television with the tin foil wrapped around the rabbit ears. It was a Sunday morning and I was sitting crossed legged on the floor waiting for my family to leave for church when I turned the set on and was introduced for the first time to one Earnest Angley, faith-healer.  Dude was dressed from head to toe in a white suit, complete with white shoes and a white belt. His sweat covered face was staring into the screen, his hands extended towards the camera as he implored his viewers to believe that they could be healed. He was so confident on this point that he explained that the viewer did not even have to be in his live audience to be healed, that his miraculous powers could work through the television set....

“I am asking you to believe and claim your healing, friend. Get up from that sofa and place the part of your body that afflicts you on your television set and I will heal you!!”

With this odd, 55 year old memory brought into my head for reasons that defy understanding, I imagined some guy with hemorrhoids backing up into his television set waiting for his miracle. Then the famous words of the prophet from 4000 years ago came to mind...There is nothing new under the sun. Indeed, virtual doctor’s appointments aren’t new at all. Earnest Angley was doing them years ago.

Now, we return you to the regularly scheduled pandemic and civil unrest.