Living the Dream Here at Nuptials Inc.

Suddenly, for no discernible reason, my computer has slowed to a crawl. As a result, I am forced to type this verrrrrry sloooowly. Perhaps the slower pace will result in a more thoughtful, enlightened post. Or, more likely, it will result in me hurling this laptop through the window. Anyway…

The wedding planning extravaganza has warped into overdrive here at Nuptials Inc. We are at T-minus 15 days and counting, and the air is thick with deadlines. I feel like one of those B-17 pilots over Berlin in WWII, only those black puffs of steel and smoke aren’t flak but rather…bills, which seem much more dangerous. Now that Kaitlin is done with teaching for the summer, she is on board full-time. So, now I have two crazed women in the house. But, now that it is officially crunch time, they have brandished a new, terrifying weapon…the color-coded flash card.

Yes, my wife has devised a new level of organization into her witches’ brew of spreadsheets, websites, and three ring binders. She has assigned Kaitlin and herself several note cards with THINGS TO DO screaming menacingly at the top of each. Then she has chosen different color pens to write out the required action that needs to be taken, signifying the level of urgency needed…blue = soon, green = by the end of the week, yellow = no later than July 10^th, and red = immediately or I will kill you.

It disturbs me greatly that I have not been included in this new protocol. My jobs have been listed on a mere note pad entitled, Dad’s Jobs. So far, there are only two items, “replace shower head in guest bathroom” and “Hang curtain rods in breakfast nook.” No mention has been made of my other real jobs throughout this great adventure which are to pay each bill that comes with good cheer and to stay the heck out of Pam’s way.

Every day we seem to be confronted with some near catastrophe. Two days ago it was the great lantern fiasco. It seems that the white lantern centerpiece that we have chosen for the tables at the reception have become the hottest retail item since the invention of sliced bread. A trip to the IKEA store yielded exactly 5 of the 20 we need and dire warnings that future shipments might already be spoken for. During  a brief moment of total insanity Pam considered buying the black lanterns and spray painting them white. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed. Upon returning home, Pam got on the interwebs and found 35 of the white lanterns at an IKEA in College Park, Maryland. Faster than a speeding bullet, she was on the phone to my brother’s wife in Gaithersburg. To our profound and eternal relief, in less than three hours, they had fought beltway traffic and rescued us from the great lantern shortage of 2014.

Then, just yesterday, the plan was to take Kaitlin over to the venue for her bridal portrait. Around noon I get this text message from Pam:

“Having panic attack. Can’t find K’s wedding shoes. She is babysitting, not answering phone. Need them for portrait. Hope they weren’t left at David’s Bridal!!!!!”

The first thing that popped into my head to say was, “Why do you need her shoes for a bridal portrait?? Her gown goes all the way to the floor and then trails a half a mile behind her? Who is gonna see her feet??”

Luckily for me, I said no such thing, but instead told her where I had seen them last. Crisis averted. When she later texted me a few pictures from the shoot, Kaitlin looked amazing…but not a foot in sight.

Yep, I’m just living the dream.

My Soccer Take

My nephew Ryan is one of them, and now my son Patrick is becoming one of them. My friend Al has been one for years now. It used to be that the only people who were really into it were little kids and their over protective mothers. Now, fully grown men and women sit for hours in bars watching it, and once, sometimes twice during the proceedings, erupt into a maddening roar when something actually happens. Yes, soccer has taken over the world. Wait, or is it futbol? I never can keep them straight.

Every four years there’s this huge international tournament called the World Cup. The very best players in the world come together from all of the professional leagues and play for their home countries, sort of like the Ryder Cup in golf only with much louder fans. I must admit that I have watched more soccer over the past couple of weeks than in the rest of my years combined. I say “watched” when what I really mean is “stare at the screen, mouth ajar, trying desperately to understand what all the fuss is about.”

First of all I must admit that the fans are awesome in soccer. They dress up, they scream, they sing, they cry, they riot, and it’s a beautiful thing to watch. Also, it must be said that the players are amazing athletes and in fantastic shape. There’s probably not an ounce of body fat on the entire roster of these teams. I’m told that the average player runs the equivalent of 6-7 miles each game. It seems like much more than that. Either way, C.C. Sabathia wouldn’t last five minutes out there!

I also love the accent of the Scottish guy who does the color commentary on the radio, (yes I have actually listened to some of the action in my car…what is happening to me???).

Truth be told, I might eventually warm to the sport if not for a couple of huge annoyances. First, there’s the flopping thing. Listen, every sport has players who act like they’ve been fouled to try to influence the refs into a call. Even Derek Jeter was not above lying when he pretended to be hit by a pitch that time when replays showed nothing. Basketball is full of floppers, none better than the best player in the world, Lebron James. But these soccer players are the Sir Lawrence Olivier of athletes. In real time you see two players get close to each other, then suddenly one of them will fall to the ground as if he’s been shot through the chest with a high powered rifle. You see him writhing on the ground in agony clutching what surely must be his severed limb. But then you watch the slow motion replay only to discover that the two players didn’t actually, uh…even make contact. This happens at least twenty times per game. Listen, I get the whole gamesmanship thing, but come on soccer player…grow a pair.

The second thing that turns me off about soccer isn’t really soccer’s fault. It’s the fault of the sports media. They are constantly hectoring me about why I’m not a bigger fan. We Americans are considered hopelessly provincial for not being in love with the “world’s game.” Don’t we know that more people watch soccer, play soccer, and adore soccer than any other game? Hey, sports media guy, let me answer that question for you. As a matter of fact we are aware that soccer is the most popular game in the world, we just don’t care! Generally speaking, we Americans prefer games that allow players to use their God-given opposable thumbs. We also like scoring, and lots of it. From the looks of it, the best soccer players in the world do most of their scoring off the field.

Far be it from me to actually critique the physics of the game, but it appears to this untrained eye that the scoring problem is a function of the fact that the field is too big. Trim that baby down to the size of an America football field and eliminate a couple of players per side and presto…more scoring.

So, God bless soccer, futbol, and the World Cup. One of these days I’m going to sit down and watch an entire game from beginning to end. It’s on my bucket list.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!!!!!!

Unbelievable

The Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles announced today that their project to repair seven bridges and overpasses on I-95 around Richmond has been completed, three months ahead of schedule and 3 million dollars under budget.

 

In other news…reliable sources close to Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, reveal that hell has in fact frozen over. The long predicted meteorically event took place with no warning and at break neck speed. “Yeah, it was so weird,” said a demon who asked not to be identified. “One minute we’re sitting there chipping away at the moral underpinnings of western civilization and the next minute, bamm, the whole place is a block of ice!” A spokesman for Beelzebub declined to answer questions about relocation plans, saying only that all options are on the table, and that Las Vegas and Washington DC were part of the discussion.

On a related note… Spokesmen for the Federal Aviation Administration as well as NASA have confirmed that numerous reports of UFO sightings were called in today, all of them originating from the rural community of Hayseed, Virginia close to the Old McDonald farm. Around noon, Old McDonald himself called authorities to report that Nester, his prize-winning hog along with no fewer than six other pigs had taken flight right before his eyes. The flying pigs were also seen by several other people in town along with many travelers passing through on highway 6.

In Washington DC today a hastily called news conference shocked the political press, when both Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner both admitted that they are probably the worst Congressional leaders in the history of the Republic. “I mean, come on, it’s obvious, right?” Pelosi began. “We’ve accomplished like, nothing since I’ve been here, and all we do is blame everyone else for our failures.” Boehner agreed. “Nancy is right, we suck big time. We’ve always cared more about ourselves and our party than we have about actually doing anything positive for the American people. After a while you just have to admit that you’re a miserable failure.”

In sports news, the Chicago Cubs made baseball history today when they won their 27^th consecutive game, eclipsing the record of 26 set in 1916 by the New York Giants.

Dad's Funeral

My Father’s funeral came at the end of a 72 hour whirlwind. First, my sister Paula and I met with the funeral home people, then made a trip to the cemetery. Later, all of the kids met with the Pastors of our church to plan the service. In between were trips to the bank, long telephone conversations with County clerks and hastily arranged meetings with other members of the Death Industry. There was a viewing at the funeral home, a two hour celebration of awkwardness which is at the same time absolutely necessary, and impossibly uncomfortable. All the while, my neck was giving me fits, the bulging disks within made worse by the stress of the moment. By the time the funeral started, I was a ball of twitching muscles and riled emotions, dressed in a suit.

The family was marched in and seated in the front rows directly in front of the flag-draped casket. The service began with congregational singing, three of Dad’s favorite hymns. Paula then rose to speak. She was poised and delivered her prepared remarks with cheerfulness, which was a mood we were determined to project. We’ve had enough crying in our family over the last two years to last a lifetime so, enough with the crying. Then she and Donnie performed a beautiful arrangement of “I’d Rather Have Jesus.” My turn came and as I rose from my seat to head to the pulpit, I felt a twinge of jumpiness in my upper back just to the left of my troubled neck. Uh-oh.

I don’t remember much about my eulogy except that I departed from my prepared remarks too many times. There was a lot of laughter when I spoke, which later I regretted. Maybe I was too flippant? I sat back down carefully and listened to Linda speak. The amazing women who had directed Dad’s care every step of the way for two years was standing before me with a broad smile and bright confidence. When she finished, she sat down at the piano and banged out dad’s favorite piano song, “Chariots of Fire.”

Then, the pastor opened up the floor to any family members who wanted to say a word. First Christina spoke, then Becky, then Pam rose and finally Zoe. All of them were wonderful. Then the microphones were opened to anyone in the congregation who cared to speak. This is always a dangerous thing to do. But, with one notable exception, everyone was heartfelt and reasonably brief.

About this time, I began to feel very uncomfortable. Sitting still and trying to be somber had taken its toll on my neck and back. Suddenly, there was no position I could sit in that took pressure off of the spasm-ing muscles back there. I whispered to Pam, “I’ve got to go out into the foyer or I’m going to have a problem.”

So, there I was, walking out of my own Father’s funeral! By the time I made it outside, my back was a hot mess. I could hear my brother speaking and I didn’t want to miss it, so I took the elevator up to the balcony and spent the last 30 minutes of the service laying flat on my back on the red carpet gazing up at the ceiling, listening to Donnie sing an arrangement of “He Lifted Me.”  I remember thinking how bizarre a thing it would be to tell my grandchildren that I was laying on my back in the balcony at my Dad’s funeral. For an instant I imagined that Dad was standing over me, shaking his head from side to side, laughing. “You never could sit still in church,” I heard him say.

So, two hours after it began it was over. It was too long. But, it was never going to be anything but… too long. The Dunnevants are a family known far and wide for their passionately held opinions and a famous eagerness to share them. Frankly, I’m surprised it wasn’t longer. But, I think we did alright. I think that Mom and Dad were proud of us, or at least I hope they were.

The Untouchables

If I could live the rest of my life without hearing the names Lois Lerner and John Koskinen again, and even more importantly, never seeing these faces again:

 

I would be a very happy man. Unfortunately, their images have been burned into my consciousness. These two represent everything that I loathe about government. They are career bureaucrats, part of the tribe of people most responsible for the contempt I feel for our government. Look at them carefully. Peer into their eyes for a minute. Both of these photographs were taken when they were giving sworn testimony to a Congressional committee charged with oversight of the IRS. Ms. Lerner was taking the Fifth when asked pertinent questions about her role in the targeting of conservative political groups for unfair scrutiny. Mr. Koskinen was explaining how it was that two years worth of emails from Mrs. Lerner had suddenly vanished without a trace. At least, that’s what their words said, but those eyes…those eyes say something else. They practically scream, “Screw you, Congressman. I’m untouchable and you know it. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here long after you lose an election and become a lobbyist. I’ll never lose an election, baby! I’ll be cashing a government paycheck forever, and there isn’t one single solitary thing you can do about it. So, have your fun calling me a liar all you want because what you and I both know is this…there is no such thing as “government oversight.”

No matter how incompetent, no matter how corrupt, the machine of bureaus, departments and agencies keeps chugging along, getting away with stuff that would have put you or me under the jail. Try to imagine what the IRS would say to you if in the middle of an audit you were to say, “Hey guys, you know those receipts for all of those business trips I took back in 2012 that you want? Funny thing happened when I went to find them on my computer. The darn thing just crashed, and poof, just like that, they are gone forever. Bizarre, right?” And yet, that’s exactly what the Director of the IRS said during sworn testimony. When incredulous Congressmen sputtered and screamed and questioned his credibility, they got this blank, contemptuous stare. There would be no apology. There would be no regret. There would only be smug, supremely confident arrogance.

The machine of government keeps running. It perpetuates itself. The mountains of new rules and regulations passed each and every year by Congress are its fuel. It will never run out. And it is the Lois Lerner’s and John Koskinen’s of this world who make it go.

Untouchable.

The Circle of Life?

Knowing what to say to someone who has just lost a loved one is almost as difficult as knowing how to reply. This fact makes a “viewing” at a funeral home probably the most awkward social setting known to man. After enduring two of these events in two years, here are a few thoughts.

First of all, I appreciate more than I can say every single person who takes the time to show up at these things. The fact that you make the effort to attend is in itself comforting, no matter what you say when you get there. Seeing old friends and family is a welcomed diversion from the sadness of loss.

Most people say the same thing, some version of the following:

“So sorry for your loss. He was a great man, and he’s in a better place.”

But, on several occasions people would say, “So glad that you have Kaitlin’s wedding to look forward to. It’s like the circle of life.”

Uh…no. It isn’t.

My father didn’t live a circular life. He lived a linear life, like all human life is lived. He was born, grew into a man, and then died when his body stopped working. You want to hear about the circle of life? I’ll tell you about the circle of life.

The circle of life is what happens when a hungry lioness stalks a herd of wildebeests looking for the most vulnerable, preferably a disabled calf. At the precise moment of maximum efficiency, the lioness springs into action and plunges her powerful teeth into the jugular vein of her weaker prey. Fifteen minutes later her face is buried, jowl deep, into gimpy’s intestines. After eating every muscle, tissue, and internal organ, our lioness takes a giant dump somewhere on the plains of the Serengeti. A couple of days later, her bowel movement is covered by dung beetles and maggots who after their feast get devoured by some larger predator who eventually gets blindsided by another hungry lioness.

That’s the circle of life. To compare the nobility of the life and death of a human being to the law of the jungle represents either the Disney-fication of our culture at best, or the devaluing of the human experience at worst.

But Doug, but Doug, human beings are part of the animal kingdom and just another member of the ecosystem. We’re no better or worse than other animals.

Well then, by all means please introduce me to the Shakespeare of the great wildebeest civilization. I’m anxious to hear the dolphin communities’ version of Johann Sebastian Bach. Please show me the great architecture of the elephants. Whence the Rembrandt of the cockroach community?

No one is a greater lover of dogs than this writer. My great Golden Retriever, Molly, was like a member of my family and equally loved and adored. But there is one enormous difference between my dog and my daughter. Kaitlin has a soul because she was created in the image of God. Molly does not and was created in the image of….a dog.

So when I hear the term circle of life thrown around carelessly, it bothers me. Anything that elevates the animal kingdom to moral equality with human beings is a dangerous idea that left unchallenged will have the effect of degrading the nobility and uniqueness of human life, making us as expendable as that limping wildebeest calf. When I see those old photographs of ditches full of naked Jewish bodies from the Nazi labor camps, I see how the German people were reduced to a view of life that made no distinction between Jewish life and that of the cockroach. When a news story pops up about newborn babies being found in dumpsters still alive, it worries me that we are just as capable of such a fall from grace.

No, my Dad’s death was not part of the circle of life. It was the physical end to a noble life, well-lived.

Dad's Eulogy

I must here confess that I am done with grief. I rose in this very spot almost exactly two years ago to talk about my Mother. Since then it has been my privilege to care for my Dad. It has been a long goodbye, full of tender memories but also some disappointment and heartbreak. But now it’s over, and I’m done with grief.

So, today, I prefer to share some happier observations about my Father that hopefully will give us all a better appreciation for who he was.

Psalms 32:2 says this, “Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile.” My father was such a man.

 Dad was a man free from calculation. You never felt like he was ever using you as part of some grand strategy to accomplish some hidden agenda. How amazing must it have been to live a life without the misery of manipulation? To him, everyone he met was someone created in the image of God, and therefore worthy of love and respect. This explains why so many people when describing Dad use the word “gentle.” As a kid, it helped to have such an uncomplicated man as a father.

But Dad was not a modern parent in any real sense, in that he was incapable of coddling. When we kids did something stupid, (and for some of us this was quite often), he let us know about it in no uncertain terms. Dad was appallingly disinterested in the level of our “self esteem.”  He figured that our self esteem would improve once we learned to do something well, or better yet, when we learned to do something well for someone else. You’ve heard of “helicopter parents?” Well, our Dad was more like a submarine parent. When he showed up we knew we were in big trouble because he always brought the torpedoes with him. He told me one time that if I wanted self esteem I should do something “estimable.”  Until then, if I felt bad about myself it was because I was a knucklehead and I SHOULD feel bad about myself.  But, because he never lied to us about how great we were, we learned that we could believe him. Our Dad could be depended upon to tell us the truth.

Although no one worked harder than Dad, he never had any money. The reason was that money never had him. Dad never bought in to the concept of being a consumer. He was much more into manufacturing. Anything “store-bought” was inferior so he was famous for making things himself. From putting in a huge garden every year to building things out of wood, to constructing window fans from scratch…I’m not kidding, we called her Bertha, the window fan of death. Dad consistently rejected consumerism all of his life.

Growing up as Preacher’s kids, we were all very sensitive to what Dad would say from the pulpit. It didn’t take us long to figure out how the church business worked. We kids knew who the big shots were and we were very aware of the kinds of touchy subjects that might get Dad in trouble. We kids would look in the bulletin; see that the sermon was from Malachi, and roll ours eyes at each other. This is why we all spent half of our time visibly wincing in church listening to Dad preach. Even though I knew that certain subjects were guaranteed to get him in trouble, I was always secretly proud of him for bringing them up. Dad believed that the job of a Minister of the Gospel was to bring great comfort to the afflicted and great affliction to the comfortable. He was the kind of preacher who you don’t run across very often anymore…totally and completely fearless. If you were waiting for an apology from him for exposing hypocrisy in the congregation, you were in for a long wait.

My brother-in-law, Bill Schwartz, reminded me yesterday about something Dad said to him that is a perfect illustration of Dad’s character. Several years back Bill bought a bright red van. Dad confided to Bill that he had always wanted to buy a bright red car. When Bill asked why he never did Dad said, “Well, it just wouldn’t be appropriate for a minister to be driving a red car, especially as part of a funeral procession. It would attract too much attention and no preacher should attract too much attention to himself.” This was no false humility, this was just who Dad was, a servant, not a headliner. But Dad, since I am not burdened with humility, false or otherwise, my bright red Cadillac will be leading the procession to the cemetery a little later…so get over it.

My father was not a perfect man. I didn’t always understand him, and he often didn’t understand me. He frustrated me at times, and I’m sure that I frustrated him most of the time. But despite his flaws, he remains the most gentle, loving, caring man I have ever known. He was the one truly great man of my life. He set the bar so very high for all of us who have followed, and for this reason, I will forever be in his debt.