WEEK 2. This time I'll go 6-0!

OK sports fans, my debut week of college football prognostication was a raging success, marred only by two rookie mistakes. First, never pick your school’s arch rival to beat anyone, and secondly, never pick against the SEC in big , high profile games. But, other than those hiccups, I will take a 4-2 start. Onward, and upward. This week I plan on running the table with these 6 winners:

Alabama vs. Penn State

Two traditionally great programs with two traditionally and dependably boring uniforms. Bama and their plain, red helmets with white numbers will clobber Penn State with their plain white helmets with blue numbers. Not only will the Tide roll, but the Nittany Lions will not score a point, losing 24-0. But, not wanting to rub it in, and eager to prove that he indeed does have some class, Nick Sabin will offer Joe Paterno some warm Ovaltine and graham crackers at half time.

South Carolina vs. Georgia

Mark Richt has successfully turned the Bulldogs into a second tier program in the SEC the RIGHT way, by running a clean ethical program. What an idiot!! After their pathetic performance against Boise State last week he now faces the program that has replaced his in the top tier of the SEC, the gamecocks of South Carolina and their obnoxious “ball-coach” Steve Spurrier. Georgia is defeated again 42-17 and Mark Richt starts working on his resume.

Stanford vs. Duke

These two schools have the highest team GPA in division 1-A. The much anticipated cold fusion competition at halftime will be won by the Blue Devils, their third consecutive Golden Slide Rule. However, on the gridiron they will have no such luck. Andrew Luck plays for the other team and he will throw for 6000 yards in the second half alone. Stanford wins 65-28.

UVA vs. Indiana

Assuming anyone shows up to watch this game, it will be highly entertaining. The bottom-feeders of the Big 10 meet the bottom-feeders of the ACC. But, UVA is improving and Indiana is a basketball school, so despite a barrage of three-pointers by the Hoosiers, the Wahoos win 21-15. The Hoosiers and the Wahoos, two of the dumbest nicknames in sports.

Notre Dame vs. Michigan

The Fighting Irish, a team that year after year gets away with demeaning an entire race of people with a hateful ethnic slur, travels to the big house to play a Michigan team that year after year gets away with being called an elite program despite a police blog a mile long and losing to Appalachian State…at HOME! Hard to pick against the Pope and all and despite Brian Kelly’s purple-faced act on the side lines, his Golden Domers will win 30-27.

Virginia Tech vs. East Carolina

These two schools probably have the lowest team GPA in division 1-A. At half time there will be no academic competition, thank God, so both schools will be spared the embarrassment of not knowing how to spell “ C-L-A-S-S”. Unfortunately, the actual game won’t provide much competition for the Hokies either, as they blow out the Pirates 48-7. The “Hokies”..THE dumbest nickname in sports.

Labor Day. Dumbest Holiday Ever?

Labor Day is such a dumb holiday. First of all, it comes during a time of year of general sadness. Summer vacations are all over. The school year is out there like a menacing storm, about to unleash all of its fury. The body clock is telling you that Fall should be near with its beautiful leaves and chilly nights, but you know that September is going to be hot as Hades. Those leaves want to change colors and gently fall, but they keep putting it off. Soon you haul down your Fall junk from the attic, the goofy scarecrow, the oak tree wreath. Then you scatter some gourds, pumpkins, and a deathly dry bail of hay on the front porch as if these decorations will somehow induce the season. But it doesn’t, in fact, the next 98 degree day you worry that the display will spontaneously ignite and take the rest of the house with it!

 Such is the malaise into which Labor Day arrives. And even though the news is full of reports of parades and speeches and the television blares loudly about the great deals available for those in the market for cars, mattresses, and replacement windows, you know in your heart that this is no holiday. You know what this really is. Labor Day is the end of something, the end of play, the end of relaxation.

And then there’s the irony of this day. We are asked to celebrate work by not doing any. We celebrate labor by avoiding it at all cost. Its as if this holiday was created by a committee. Well, in the spirit of the day, might I suggest a few similarly illogical holidays for your consideration.

Fidelity Day….where we celebrate faithfulness by cheating on our spouse.

Marriage Day….where we celebrate marriage by filing for divorce.

Republican Party Day….where we drop our recycling off on our way down to volunteer at the homeless shelter.

Democratic Party Day….where we all take a shower and head down to the Chamber of Commerce to hear Sarah Palin read a chapter of Atlas Shrugged.

Reality Television Day…where we celebrate by becoming suddenly appalled, shrinking away from the television set in shame.

Sobriety Day…where we celebrate by getting drunk

Nutrition Day…where we wash down those cheesy-fries with a triple-chocolate shake.

Baptist Day…where we celebrate by becoming relevant

Higher Education Day… where we celebrate by tolerating views that aren’t liberal.

Post Office Appreciation Day….where we celebrate by tweeting all of our friends and sending an e-mail to our mailman.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 1..Stone cold, lead pipe locks.

College football is great fun. It has also become somewhat of a guilty pleasure. One cannot help but feel a bit guilty for rewarding such a corrupt maniacal monolith as college football by watching game after game and contributing to the gargantuan ratings that serve as fuel to the beast. But, that is a topic for another time. The bottom line is, we love the game, every ridiculous, over-hyped, joyous second of it. We love the packed stadiums, the awesome tail-gating, the passion of the fans, ESPN Gameday…everything. So, today begins my weekly tradition of offering my stone-cold, lead pipe lock picks. I will concentrate mostly on the state teams but will also throw in prominent games of national interest. I, along with you, will keep a running total of my record. This will result in either blog after blog of interminable bragging or only occasional mention of my failures as proof of how corrupt the game actually is, not to mention scandalously horrible officiating. At this point I suppose I should declare my prejudices. I am a huge U of R fan, having matriculated from that fine institution. I also have always enjoyed the SEC brand of football, having spent three years of my youth in Louisiana/ Alabama. I’m not a huge ACC guy. Generally I believe Virginia Tech fans to be among the most obnoxious in the country, with their delusions of grandeur, their incessant whining at even the slightest snub, and their epically hideous uniforms. And I see from this years Tech schedule that they will be favored in every game, so I suppose I should prepare for more Hokie bravado. Ok..that’s about it. Here we go!

James Madison vs. UNC

If God cared about football, JMU should win this game. They are a good team, play in a great division 1-A conference, and UNC is a crooked program who fired their coach like three days before spring practice. But, God has a lot on his plate at the moment, so the tar heels will prevail 24-14 with the help of several mind-numbingly awful calls by an officiating crew clearly on the take.

William & Mary vs. UVA

This is a tough call for a bunch of reasons. Although W&M is a long time rival of my school, I have nothing but respect for Jimmie Laycock. Although UVA leaves me cold, and attending one of their home games is like going to a polo match featuring that gorgeous team from Saint Christopher’s with those heavenly Italian boots, while sipping mint juleps and catching up on the latest gossip about the pending engagement of Biff and Barbie…but I digress. The only good thing about UVA is their terrific young coach Mike London, who several years ago coached my alma mater to a national championship. ( For Hokie fans, that’s when your team wins the championship game and is crowned the best team in the country ). So I root for Mike whenever I can…..but not today. William & Mary upsets the cavaliers for the second year in a row 31-27.

Appalachian State vs. Virginia Tech

Once again, if it weren’t for all of the trouble in the middle east, and the fact that our own country is in the process of self destructing, God would be all over this and insure a victory for Appy State, if for no other reason to demonstrate the truth of his warning that “pride goeth before a fall and destruction before a haughty spirit”. But alas, absent divine intervention, Tech wins going away 35-13.

UofR vs. Duke

We have beaten the weak sisters of the ACC twice in a row, and despite losing our head coach a week ago for getting a DUI, we will do it again 20-3. Just a side note, can you imagine any big time SEC or Big 12 coach losing his job because he had a few pops and got pulled over by the cops? Me neither.

Boise State vs. Georgia

This is sort of a big game but I don’t care very much because its Boise State. Sorry, great program, and they can beat anybody, anywhere, anytime. But, they can do so because they only have to do it once or twice a year. Most weeks they simply wipe the floor with the San Hose States of the world while a team like Georgia is in the belly of the beast every single week in the SEC. But, Boise wins this game 21-20 and then proceeds to complain for the next 10 weeks about their ranking in the polls.

Oregon vs. LSU

LSU’s quarterback gets in a bar fight at 2 in the morning two weeks before this headlining game in a year where his team is picked to perhaps win the SEC championship. Oregon is in hot water over a $25000 payment its program paid to a sleazy recruiter in Louisiana that helped them gain the services of a talented running back. Is college football beautiful or what??!! Losing your QB two weeks before a game against an opponent as good as Oregon does not bode well for your chances. Oregon holds on for a 28-17 win that will probably have to be forfeited once the NCAA finds out that the sleazy recruiter guy was blackmailing Oregon coach Skip Kelly on account of their long-standing gay relationship. Just kidding.

So there you have it.

Predictions!

It’s the end of August. Time for predictions. Here are some things that will happen before the end of 2011. Mark it down.

1. The Boston Red Sox will play the Philadelphia Phillies in the 2011 World Series. At least one game will be played in snow flurries and the Phillies will win in 6 games because they have superior pitching. Actually that’s five predictions in one but as long as the Phillies win I will claim it as a vindication of my baseball prognostication genius.

2. The months of November and December will be exceptionally cold and snowy and this unusually bitter early winter will join the Japanese Tsunami, the European debt crisis, the Arab Spring, and hurricane Irene as things that President Obama will blame for the faltering economy.

3. The Cincinnati Bengals will have more players arrested than they will have wins by 12/31/2011.

4. The 2011-2012 NBA season will be cancelled and no one will notice until after the Super Bowl is over. But on the bright side, Lebron James will sign with the San Antonio Silver Stars of the WNBA and finally win a championship.

5. In a shocker, Wake Forest will kick a field goal as time expires to defeat Duke 3-0 to win the ACC championship in football after every other team in the conference is given the death penalty by the NCAA for multiple recruiting violations and other ethical lapses.

6. After John Boehner is tragically electrocuted in a bizarre tanning bed accident, Eric Cantor is elected Speaker of the House, becoming the first Jewish man to hold that position. He also becomes the first man in American history to actually have been born, potty-trained, learned to walk, celebrated his first birthday party, learned to read, had his first date and first kiss, got married, conceived all his children, and ate all of his meals actually on the grounds of the U.S. Capital.

7. Despite winning every internet presidential straw poll, and enjoying huge support from legions of non-voting college students, Ron Paul withdraws from the Republican nomination contest, citing the media conspiracy against his candidacy. Even up to the end polls showed solid support among gold coin collectors.

8. Mayor Bloomberg of New York announces a controversial new law making it illegal not to go into debt shopping for Christmas. “The fact is,” said the Mayor, “ New York needs the sales tax revenue and we cannot tolerate our citizens living within their means again this year.” Called the Anti-Scrooge law of 2011, it calls for each head of household to spend no less than one month’s take-home pay on his or her spouse by December 24 or face 30 days in jail. The ACLU immediately challenges the law on the grounds that it unfairly stigmatizes Jews and Muslims by leaving them out, a clear effort to marginalize Non-Christians.

9. Kris Humphries files for divorce from Kim Kardashian less than four months after their much celebrated wedding citing irreconcilable differences. “ I just found that we had drifted apart.” explained Mr. Humphries “ Since the NBA season was cancelled, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, and frankly, a little bit of Kim goes an awfully long way.”

10. Danica Patrick crashes three cars in two days during practice sessions at Daytona Speedway leading up to her first fulltime season in NASCAR. “Its been a learning experience,” said a clearly annoyed Patrick to reporters afterwards. “I guess I shouldn’t be applying mascara while I’m on the track, but old habits are hard to break.”

Question: How Far Would You Go For Love?

In my now relentless pursuit of Dean Koontz novels, I am reading “The Husband”. Although it is predictably terrific, it is not my favorite by any stretch. However, it raises an intriguing philosophical question, ie…how far would you be willing to go for love? Would you die for love, would you kill?
Here’s the plot in a nutshell, all of which is revealed in the first twenty pages:

On an ordinary afternoon, an ordinary man, a gardener of modest means gets a phone call out of his worst nightmare. The caller says, “We have your wife. You can get her back for 2 million dollars cash. You have 60 hours. To prove our seriousness, see that man walking his dog across the street?” A second later the man is shot in the head by an unseen gunman. The caller doesn’t care that this gardener has only $11,000 in the bank and can’t possibly raise that kind of money in only 60 hours, or ever, for that matter. He’s confident that Mitch will find a way. “If you love your wife enough…”

Reading this book has forced me to ask myself what I would do if put in that situation. So now I put the question to any husband out there who happens to read this Blog. What would you do? How far would you go to get your wife back? Which of your devoutly held principles about the sanctity of life would you cast aside in the pursuit? Any wives out there can also respond by answering the question a bit differently, ie..How far would you expect your husband to go to attempt your redemption?

A few ground rules. Mitch cannot go to the police for help with this kidnapping since the bad guys have already planted evidence that implicates him in his wife’s future murder. He must operate entirely outside of the law, and for the purposes of this thought experiment, so must you.

Bizarroday...August 23, 2011

There is a rhythm to life. We work hard to encourage this rhythm by creating as much order as possible in a world that is famously disordered. Consequently, our lives are for the most part predictable. We awake at a certain hour, perform our daily hygienic repair, go to work, come home, have dinner, indulge in some form of mostly mindless entertainment, then go to bed, starting all over again in the morning. But every once in a while our routine gets rocked. Something unforeseen introduces itself, or even better, everything goes wrong. Nothing is as it should be. The unexpected , the disturbing and even the hilarious moments that occur during these times are the things of which memories are made. While I might never recall one thing that happened to me on 95% of all the days of my life, I’ll remember every detail of “ Bizarroday”. My latest Bizarroday was Tuesday, August 23, 2011.

Tuesday was our last day of preparation before heading down to Winston-Salem to move Kaitlin into her new home at Wake Forest University. First on the agenda was an unfortunate dental appointment. Kaitlin was found with cavity for the first time in 15 years the previous day and so had been scheduled for fillings on the earliest time slot on her last day in Richmond. After being thoroughly numbed on both sides of her mouth with Novocain, the dentist announced that all water had been cut to the building. Without water, no work could be completed so Kaitlin was sent home until further notice, still with cavities but now with a face that made her look like a stroke victim. The adorable crooked smile she was born with was now exaggerated to a freakish sag that gave her the suggestion of diabolical intent. Three hours later water was restored, fresh Novocian was administered, cavities were filled and she was sent home with now an entire face enshrouded in a painkilling glow and wiped clean of expression. When later Pam went into her room seeing the boxes and bare walls and started to tear up, Kaitlin turned towards her and slurred, “ Mom, I’m really smiling at you…you just can’t tell” Pam began to laugh, guardedly at first and then in full throated abandon as Kaitlin’s rubbery face tried to contort into a smile. Then out of nowhere, the ground began to shake.

The first earthquake of our lives hit at around 2 in the afternoon. Pam and Kaitlin froze in place and wondered aloud..”What was that??” For 30 seconds the china rattled, the windows rumbled and Pam, for the life of her couldn’t remember what to do in an earthquake so she shouted, “Lets get in the bathroom!!” Once out of harms way, Kaitlin tried to say..”What about Molly??”, but it came out as “ weribowlolly!” Amazingly Pam understood and about the time the shaking stopped all three of them were crowded safely in the downstairs bathroom. Meanwhile, I was across town picking up the U-Haul truck I had rented for the move. At the precise time of all the excitement I was concentrating intently on backing this ten foot truck into a tiny parking space at the furniture store where I had driven to pick up Kaitlin’s new sofa. I hadn’t felt a thing. When I got out of the truck I noticed people running from inside the store into the parking lot in wide-eyed terror. A 5.9 on the Richter scale quake with an epicenter 30 miles from where I stood had been felt as far away as Detroit and Boston, and I had missed it. After a few minutes order was restored and I stood calmly in line for my sofa when an attractive, young black man approached and engaged me in casual conversation:

“So…what did you buy?”

“My daughter is going to grad school this week so we picked up a sofa for her.”

“Where is she going to grad school?

“Wake Forest…down in Winston-Salem”

“Winston-Salem? I’m never ever going back to that town for nobody!!”

“Wh-.What? Whats wrong with Winston-Salem?

“ A friend of mine asked me to come for a visit so I did. You know where she lived? A house at the corner of Noose Street and Plantation Drive! No sir, never going back!”

By the time I got home with the truck all of the local news channels were on the case with live on the scene reports about the Great Earthquake of 2011. Anchors and anchorettes breathlessly gave us details confirming the rattling of dinner plates in china cabinets from Midlothian all the way to Hanover Courthouse. Reports began to trickle in of pictures hanging terribly askew on walls in the East End.
Some unconfirmed rumors came in describing scores of shattered knick-knacks in Wyndham. A young baby-faced reporter then broke in with live video from the actual epi-center in Mineral, Virginia. There on live television for all to see was the epic damage and desolation. Sixteen bricks lay haphazardly at the base of the chimney of a 100 year old house. We were assured that the residents of Mineral were a hardy bunch and that they were determined to overcome this blow. Just about the time I was starting to feel a bit more secure, channel 12 brought on an Earthquake Expert who warned us of the probability of “aftershocks”. Reeling, I escaped to the dreary comfort of Facebook where I saw that 8 of my Christian friends had posted that verse in Matthew about earthquakes being a sure-fire sign of the end times. From there I retreated to a Drudge Report story from some meteorologist who claimed that hurricane Irene now churning out near the Bahamas had the potential to make landfall as a category 6 storm that might wipe out all of the Outer Banks and cause upwards of 100 Billion in damage. When reminded that there are only 5 categories of hurricanes he responded, “After Irene, there will be 6”. I shut off the computer, walked back downstairs and heard a guy on TV reminding us to tune in after the 6 o’clock news for a special program…”Aftershock Horror..Day 1”

After we finished packing up the truck we had our last dinner together on the deck. It was a beautiful night and the meal was delicious. Kaitlin had her face back. Pam was tearing up again at the prospect of change. But we all looked back on this very bizarroday with fond memories. Oh that there were more days like this.

Book Reviews!!!

18. My Losing Season……Pat Conroy

Seeing as how I believe Pat Conroy to be the finest American writer alive today, this review will not be very fair or balanced. I love this guy and his writing. It is fluid and beautiful with both rough edges and soaring prose. This is an autobiography of sorts since it tells the story of his four years playing varsity basketball at the Citadel in South Carolina. Anyone familiar with his earlier novel The Lords Of Discipline will recognize and therefore not be shocked by the brutality he endures from his quasi-evil coach as well as his pure evil real life father ( The Great Santini ). Still, there is beauty to be found here along with the moving tenderness that is at the root of all of his work. Fabulous.

19. Hell’s Corner ……..David Baldacci

Its been a while since I have been this bored by a thriller. This is my first go at Baldacci and I know what a phenomenal success he has been with the Camel Club bit, but I spent 300 pages waiting for something interesting to happen and then when it finally did it wasn’t good enough to justify the 6 hours I had wasted reading the dang thing. Oliver Stone, the wacko filmmaker is far more interesting than THIS Oliver Stone ever thought of being.

20. Are You Kidding Me?…….Rocco Mediate and John Feinstein

I watched the final two rounds of the 2008 U.S. Open live and could hardly turn away. It was the most riveting, unlikely battle ever waged in my lifetime in the world of sports. Tiger Woods, the greatest golfer of his generation versus the often injured journeyman never-was, Rocco Mediate. I fell in love with Rocco those two days in June along with every other golf fan in the world and in the hands of John Feinstein, this book is as suspenseful , hilarious and unbelievable as the real thing was. Tiger won in the 18 hole playoff, but Rocco won everyone’s heart. Great read whether you like golf or not!

21. Seven Days In Utopia…….David L. Cook

A friend of mine at church dropped this little book in my hand one Sunday and told me I would love it. I read it in one sitting and …liked it. it’s the story of a down on his luck golfer who stumbles upon an old geezer retiree who has carved a 9 hole golf course out of some barren ranch land in West Texas someplace. The old guy proceeds to take the young feller under his wing, teaches him about golf by teaching him to fly-fish etc.. Along the way the golfer also finds food for the soul. You can practically hear the violin music in the background. Come to find out, they’re making a movie out of this thing starring Robert Duval as the old man. Really??

22.Heaven Is For Real……..Todd Burpo

This is the book I read to the family during our vacation a few weeks ago at Nags Head. it’s a true story of little Colton Burpo and his near death experience as a 4 year old where he “went to heaven” during a serious emergency operation. The stories that the kid told of what he saw and what he saw his parents doing while he was under are truly astonishing and give all Christians a measure of hope about the promise of eternal life. Having watched this boy and his parents interviewed on the Today show before reading the book gave them credibility with me since they seemed so genuine and so utterly without guile or agendas. Much of what he says about his experience in heaven is amazing and plausible, although when he starts talking about the Armageddon he loses me. Just find it hard to imagine why Jesus would chose to explain THAT story to a 4 year old. But all in all, a very heart warming and inspiring story.

23. The Help……..Kathryn Stockett

Best book I’ve read all year. After practically every female in my entire extended family read this book and raved, the eagerly ran to see the recently release movie, I just had to find out what the deal was. This was my first book ever on a Kindle, so I’m not sure I can call it a “page-turner”…more like a “button-pusher”. I couldn’t put the thing down. It had everything that great fiction should have..great characters that you find yourself caring desperately about, a moving story that examines every nook and cranny of human emotion. Because its about race relations with all of the hand grenades found in that contentious issue it would have been easy for Ms. Stockett to paint all the black maids as heroes and all of the white housewives as brutal villains. But she digs deeper and illustrates that even in that time of often despicable cruelty, it was possible for grace and beauty to shine through the darkness. She surprises us with twists that are out of the blue and interjects often hilarious details that leave you laughing at times when your mind tells you that you shouldn’t be laughing. Its better than the hype, and I plan on seeing the movie this weekend.

24 thru 27...four books by Dean Koontz

This was the summer that I discovered Dean Koontz. I found myself rummaging through bargain tables at Barnes & Nobel like an addict in desperate need of a fix after reading Breathless back in early June. Here was a writer of thrillers who was a poet and had terribly challenging things to say about the human condition. Then I found Relentless on sale for $6.50. In this one we see the bizarre insanity of a book critic gone mad who chases the protagonist and his little family all over the west coast with murderous intent. All the while, our hero in his desperation rediscovers the beauty and power of family and the importance of holding on to his faith. On the slipcover of each of these books I notice that there’s always a picture of the author with his beloved golden retriever “Trixie”. So when I saw a paperback copy of his tribute to her called, “A Big Little Life” I just had to buy it. Having a golden myself I recognized so much of Molly in his heart warming story and I felt the pain of his loss at her death at a deep level. At that point I thought I was done with Dean for the summer. But when I checked in to our beach house in Nags Head, there on the mantel was a paperback of “The Taking”. This was the most gripping, intense thing yet, the story of science-fiction, thriller, apocalyptic vision and the end of the world as we know it. As the story pulsed on and on getting more grave and chilling by the page there started to appear an almost biblical theme of evil. The only thing that could effectively ward it off was courage and bravery and selflessness. The ending is something for the ages and I have found a new reading passion. Dean Koontz is the man!