Special Delivery!!

I was told by my publisher that I would be getting the final proof copy of A Life of Dreams from the printer soon. They said it would probably take a couple of weeks, but it would be delivered through the US Postal Service. Well, guess what I found in the mailbox twenty minutes ago??

I must admit that my heart beat a bit faster when I saw the package. When I got it inside and held it in my hands, well…it was a pretty cool feeling. What’s so hard to believe is that this one was written over ten years ago. The idea came to me while I was at Best Buy watching a poker tournament on a huge wall of television screens. It must have been on fifty screens at the same time and as I watched the idea popped into my head—Wonder what it would be like to have a super intuitive gift to always win at games of chance? How might having such a gift change a person? Would it ultimately be seen as a gift or an curse? Now, ten years later, I’m sitting here holding a book in my hands that sprang from that ever so brief experience.

So cool. And so terrifying. Suppose people hate it? Suppose it flops? 

Regardless, it’s done. I did it.

A Friend’s Question

A friend recently asked me, “How come you don’t write about politics much anymore?” It was a fair question. I just checked and he was right. So far this year exactly one of my 26 posts have been about politics. One reason I don’t write about politics anymore is—nobody reads when I do. That one post entitled “Are You Ready For Election 2024?”, garnered a whopping 38 views, which for The Tempest is pathetically low. I would imagine that a fair number of my regular readers know of my disdain for the Republican front runner and don’t care to be reminded. But its not just that, most people are either sick of politics are profoundly embarrassed by their candidate, and would just rather not think too long on the subject.

Its a shame. I’ve probably had more fun making fun of politics and politicians than any other topic in the 13 year history of this blog. For one thing, its always been such a target-rich environment. Per capita, people in politics do more cringeworthy things than any other demographic in the country, even celebrities. The profession has inspired more jokes and joke-making than anything I can think of in my lifetime. But now, none of them are funny anymore. Absolutely nothing about American politics is even remotely funny. So, I have chosen to move on to other topics. That’s the answer to my friend’s question.

My Wife’s Tenacity

The people who are publishing my book tell me that I simply have to have a website. The fact that I already have a blog is nice, but not sufficient, I’m told with regularity. No, I need a stand alone Author website. Once my book goes live it will be the perfect place for people to go to buy the thing, they say. Plus, I am constantly reminded that whenever someone buys my book on my author website I make much more money per book than I will if they buy it on Amazon or Kindle. Of course, creating and maintaining a proper website isn’t cheap. In addition I know less than nothing about how to create a website on account of the fact that I’m an idiot. When my wife found out how much it was going to cost me to have someone make a website for me she said something like, “Are you kidding? I could figure it out. Let me do it.”

This was three or four weeks ago. Ever since, Pam has been laboring late into the night essentially teaching herself how to create a website, something I could have done if I wasn’t lazy and impatient. Instead, although she has other much more fun things she could be doing, she has been trial and erroring her way through learning a new skill for three weeks. Last night she finally showed me what she has come up with. 

So here’s the thing with Pam. She is a natural with the computer, but this process was completely different than anything she had ever attempted to do before and it was quite frustrating for her. It was the exact opposite of intuitive. I suspect that these website construction services are deliberately obtuse and clunky so novices will throw their hands up in frustration and say, “To hell with this, I’ll just pay them a gazillion dollars to do it for me!” But these people never met my wife. When it comes to difficult tasks, Pam is tenacious. The more difficult it gets the more determined she becomes to figure it out. Instead of losing her patience like her husband would do, she doubles down on stubbornness.

The site went live last night but I will not give out the address just yet because she says there are still things she needs to do. But I can tell you this…its so much better than what I was picturing it would be in my head. I love it, actually. She made it easy to navigate and super easy to buy the book. Once again, I am in her debt. I’ll just add it to everything else I owe her.

The Next Great Children’s Book

Many years ago, in my earlier days of fatherhood, I developed the particular skill of telling my children bedtime stories with, um..how shall I put this?…colorful plot lines. These stories were rich with life lessons, as well as a fair amount of casual violence. Nevertheless, they were quite popular with the kids, if not their mother. Well, last night I was given the opportunity to reprise my role as the Stephen King of the bedtime story, when Kaitlin and Jon’s dear friends, Bailey and Matthew Wolfer shockingly asked me if I would do the honors for their two adorable boys, Milo and Theo. What follows is a rough summation of the story that poured forth from the muddled grey mush of my brain in the pitch black darkness of the boy’s room. The seeds of this particular classic were provided by a picture that little Theo (age 4) had drawn during dinner of an alien with six hands…

The setting was the frozen tundra of Alaska where two brothers lived in a cold and drafty igloo. Their largely absent parents had a rule that if they ever needed to go outside to pee they must do so quickly and return to the relative safety of the igloo asap. But on this particular morning, the boys were feeling adventurous. Before long they found themselves on the cusp of disaster when they notice that a (herd? Pack?) of polar bears had risen out of the icy waters and was about to charge the two helpless waifs with murderous intent.

Just when things looked hopeless they noticed a bright light above, red, blue and green rotating lights hovering in the sky directly above the scene of potential slaughter. Suddenly, three legs shot out from the bottom of the craft as it prepared to touch down on the snowy ground. Then a giant set of stairs extended down from the spacecraft and the Alien warrior of poor Theo’s earlier imaginings arrived on the scene. At first, the boys were convinced that they had been saved from becoming the polar bear’s dinner only to be abducted by this giant extraterrestrial warrior with six hands—each fitted with a different and unique weapon of mass destruction. But instead, the warrior alien turned towards the six flummoxed polar bears and began their wholesale and systematic elimination. The first polar bear fell victim to a shot between the eyes from the handgun of arm number one. The second polar bear’s fate was sealed when the Samurai sword attached to hand number two decapitated the helpless beast. At this point in the narrative I thought it necessary to point out that the deluge of blood spewing out from this unhappy result clashed terribly with the pristine clean and white surface of the heretofore innocent tundra landscape…(teaching the boys about imagery and the irony of perception in the process). When the third polar bear noticed that the only weapon attached to arm number three was a simple whip, he snorted contemptuously (yet more irony, illustrating the time honored truth that pride indeed cometh before the fall). Before bear number three could get the smirk of overconfidence off his furry face, he too found his severed head flying through the frigid air!

Now there were three polar bears left, and suddenly the boys were worried. The warrior alien’s fourth arm was equipped with a howitzer weapon which had only one shell in it and his remaining arms were normal hands with no weapons at all. But then they noticed the warrior alien alter his strategy towards the polar bears. Suddenly the warrior alien turned from menacing to charming, asking the polar bears if they fancied playing a card game. Clearly, the warrior alien had done his homework, knowing that since ancient days, the polar bears were famous throughout the universe for their skills at poker and gin rummy. In fact the very reason that polar bears lived in the arctic was because thousand of years earlier they had fled the jungles of Africa for Alaska because of how difficult it had become to find an honest game in the jungle what with all the cheetahs. In a shocking surprise, the three surviving polar bears agreed to sit down for a quick game with this creature who had just dispatched three of their brethren so spectacularly. As soon as they sat down of course, in a development that surprised literally no one, The warrior alien let loose with the howitzer, killing all three in a spectacular explosion.

Once the dust settled, the two boys found themselves face to face with the warrior alien. Tension filled the air as they all wondered what would be their fate. Suddenly the warrior alien bent down on four arms to get to their eye-level. Then he spoke in a thunderous voice…

“Now, what will I do with these two disobedient boys? Did not your parents specifically tell you to go outside and pee but then return to the igloo at once? And yet, here you both are where you shouldn’t be, witnessing things that very well may scar you for life.”

At this point the older brother spoke up and pointed out the obvious—“Well, I notice that your two remaining arms are only fitted with hands like ours. You have no more weapons. What can you possibly do to us?”

Even though the warrior alien’s face was hidden in a dome of metal, it did seem to crack a shiny smile right before he said the fateful words…

“Apparently you two earthlings have never heard of the Great Tickle Monster!!!

At this point, the warrior alien grabbed the two boys began tickling them unmercifully with his human like hands, so much so that the boys were eventually reduced to giggling, hysterical piles of arms and legs. The warrior alien then said, “Have you learned your lesson, human boys?? Always obey your parents!!”

The warrior alien walked back up the stairs of his ship, the three legs withdrew from sight and the rotating red, blue and green lights disappeared into the starry expanse.

The End.

Since the boy’s father is a graphic artist by trade, I see a best seller coming in the children’s fiction genre once his illustrations bring this story to life.

Move over, “Goodnight Moon”

My Ridiculous Wife

Ok, so on Valentine’s Day I decided to get Pam one of her favorite Frappuccinos from Starbucks. To make it just a bit better I bought her a special Valentine’s Day coozie with red and pink hearts all over it. I took it over to her school and asked the front desk people to deliver it to her since I can no longer take it to her myself on account of the fact that we live in a country where maniacs with guns sometimes decide to shoot up random elementary schools. (Grrrr). Anyhow, maybe ten minutes later she sent me this picture…

I have had the pleasure of her company for over 40 years and sometimes I still can’t believe it. She is beautiful inside and out, the loveliest woman I know. I mean…just look at her. While she took this picture she was surrounded by 5 unruly kindergarteners and still managed to look this good. Ridiculous.

Just Personally Interacting Over Here

Over the past couple of months I have read more than a few articles about what is described as an epidemic of loneliness in America. The basic idea is that with the revolutionary arrival of the internet and the various social media platforms that have come to dominate our culture, we have slowly replaced personal interaction time with screen time—something that you are doing this very minute by reading this blog! While it might be easy to go overboard with this sort of analysis, it has caused me to question my own record when it comes to personal interaction with others. How much of it do I do in a given day, week or month?

So I’ve conducted a little experiment this past week. I’ve actually attempted to count the number of people per day that I have had at least a casual encounter with during each day. For purposes of this experiment, I have chosen not to count people like the woman at the checkout counter at Publix or my waiter at lunch at El Paso the other day. I’m talking about real encounters with people I know and see on at least a semi-regular basis. Here’s what I found.

Twelve people at my office. These are people who I know quite well and interact with almost every day—Doug, Rob, Scott, Lynwood, Kristin, Herb, Blaire, Allison, Penny, Lindsey, Brenda and Austin.

My neighbor and her three kids who I see frequently because they live next door—Jamie, Cash, Kennedy, and Sully.

A friend I have lunch with usually once a week—Tom.

Various clients I meet with face to face in my office—4-5 each week.

During my shift at my church’s Cafe, I hang with my boss and several regulars—Jennifer

At church each Sunday I touch base with friends and fellow volunteers at Hope Thrift—Chip, Lynn, Tera, Isaac, Bernadette, Leslie, Robyn, Doug

Most Sunday’s I go to lunch after church with the same group—Paula, Ron, Gordon, Leigh Ann

Ok, so it looks like in a normal week I have encounters with roughly 35 other human beings. I have no idea whether of not this number is high or low compared to others, but it seems like a reasonable number of people. Now, how about the number of people I encounter every week via social media in some form? How many friends do I make contact with by either text or messaging services in an average week?

A quick glance through my phone tells me that I have ongoing back and forth chats with a lot of the same people I mingle with, with the exception of five or six people I know quite well who live out of state or somewhere besides Short Pump—Kaitlin, Patrick, Tif, Pam, Rusty

So, apparently I am the exception to the rule in this fragmented world of ours. I actually meet and mingle with far more people face to face than I do online. What about you?

It’s Getting Real

Yesterday I received the finished manuscript of my book from the Publisher. At this point in the process no more changes can be made. It has been edited and proofed to within an inch of its life. For better or for worse it is done. If there is a misspelled word or misplaced punctuation mark it has managed to avoid detection by what seems like a million eyes. So be it. The cover art has been chosen. The back cover teaser has been written. We have a finished product. What comes next are consultations with marketing and promotion people who will school me on the best ways to get the thing in front of the book buying public. They will instruct me in the ways of social media and digital presence. I will be given promotion flyers for local bookstores along with suggestions of how to schedule readings etc.. It is all a bit terrifying.

The story I am currently writing which had laid dormant for months has suddenly sprung back to life in my head. I have been writing every night for over a week in that little universe. Meanwhile I am in the midst of my busiest season at work, meetings on top of meetings with client after client, an avalanche of numbers with dollar signs. My brain is tired. What I need is a proper distraction. I need a road trip to see my kids. So Pam, Lucy and I will be heading down to Columbia for a visit with my first born this weekend. We had hoped to arrange a triangle tour and hit up Nashville to visit with Patrick after leaving Kaitlin’s but weren’t able to get that arranged because of schedules. But we will head down there later in March. By the time April gets here A Life of Dreams will have dropped and will hopefully be flying off the shelves. Maybe that’s a bit optimistic, more like selling briskly. Who am I kidding? I am a rookie novelist. Sales will be spotty. However the thing sells, I will have accomplished a life long goal of becoming a semi-professional writer—at age 65. 

Better late than never.