Dad Jokes—Christmas Edition

Everyone knows what tonight is, right? Of course tonight is the night before the night before the night before Christmas—and time for Dad Jokes—Christmas Edition.

How is Christmas exactly like your real job?

You do all the hard work, then some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

How come Santa didn’t sign up for Obamacare?

Because he has private elf-care.

What do you call a snowman with six pack abs?

An abdominal snowman.

What’s another name for Santa’s little helpers?

Subordinate Clause’s 

Incidentally, before publishing these jokes I ran them by a friend of mine who is probably my worst critic. Let’s just say that although she is quite talented in other areas, her sense of humor isn’t what anyone would call…robust. I would share her name, but I don’t have her permission so I’ll just refer to her by her initials—SHERRI MATTHEWS. Anyway, she loved these jokes. In fact, its safe to say that she was speechless. Her favorite one wasn’t really a Christmas joke but since she almost actually chuckled, I’ll end with it:

Did you hear where the Mother Superior down at the Nunnery has banned all perfume immediately?

She made it absolutely clear that she wasn’t about to tolerate any…

…nun scents.

Testing My Patience

I am desperately weaving in and out of the insane traffic between my house and Sonic near 6 o’clock tonight when I receive a text from my wife. It appears on the screen in the middle of what used to be called a dashboard. I read the words with eyes that dart to and fro at the red tail lights in front of me. Time had gotten away from us both, which happens a lot in the days leading up to Christmas. We looked up and it was time for dinner and neither of us wanted to cook or be bothered with going out to eat. The least obnoxious alternative turned out to be the short one mile drive down Pump road, then a right on Broad street, and finally a left into the Sonic drive thru. Pam’s instructions were bewildering:

Pam: PLAIN Sonic Cheeseburger (this comes without lettuce and tomato)- - with ketchup and mayo. Tots.

Perhaps it was the traffic or my hunger. My spoken answer was equally confusing:

Me: That text makes no sense. It’s contradictory. What do you want? Lettuce and tomato or no lettuce and tomato?

After hashing out this crucial point, I finally arrive at the drive thru menu board. Thankfully there is no one ahead or behind me so I have time to consider my options. I make the executive decision then proceed to the little window level microphone and speaker where I am greeted by the crackling sound of a Latina teenager, who asks me the question of the moment in a thick Central American accent: How can I help you?

Me: Yes. I would like a PLAIN cheeseburger with ketchup and mayo along with a…

Crackling voice coming through speaker: You want cheeseburger without ketchup and mayo.

Me: No no…I do want the ketchup and mayo.

CVCTS: Ok..no ketchup and no mayo.

Me: No dear…I want the ketchup and mayo. In fact if you don’t put the ketchup and mayo on this cheeseburger, my wife will not be happy.

CVCTS: I see. What you want is cheeseburger with ketchup and mayo. Is this right?

Me: Perfect!! Now I also want a medium order of tots…

CVCTS: Is this a combo?

Me: No. No combo. Just the cheeseburger and tots.

CVCTS: Combo would be cheaper.

Me: Perhaps. But we have water at home. I also would like the Crispy Chicken sandwich along with the medium chili-cheese tots.

CVCTS: Thank you. Your total is $15.95. Please drive around.

First of all, don’t judge me for ordering the chili-cheese tots. I’m very much aware of the calorie count and total absence of any nutritional value of this particular item. But before you go all Ina Garten on me, I will simply ask you one question—Have you tasted them? If not, shut up.

Second of all, what happens next tested all of my powers of patience and forbearance. My Latina clerk appears at the checkout window looking as if she was so bored a whisper of a wind might blow her off her feet. I handed her my credit card and she soon handed it back to me along with my receipt, then slammed the window shut. This gave me a moment to inspect said receipt for any errors. Sure enough, I see that I have been charged for one medium tots. No chili-cheese tots to be found. About this time the window snaps open rather violently and Miss Guadalupe hands me a bag. I open it and see a cheeseburger and a chicken sandwich along with the chili cheese tots (which I have not been charged for) but no regular medium tots (which I have been charged for). Needless to say, I am perplexed. I try to explain to her about the missing tots, but she looks at me like I’m some crazy Gringo with two heads. Soon a Latino attendant shows up and I try to explain the situation to him and he seems to get it, smiles effortlessly and takes the bag out of my hand while once again slamming the window in my face. I look in the rear view mirror and am relieved beyond words that there is no one behind me. At least I am not holding some family of four up from their dinner. Latino dude then slings the hapless window open and hands me the bag with a confident, “thank you!!” I open the bag and could immediately feel the hair standing up on my neck. Inside the bag was the cheeseburger, the crispy chicken sandwich and an order of regular medium tots…but no chili-cheese tots. 

At this point I’m trying to remind myself that they are only kids. It’s almost Christmas. I consider myself a Christian man. It’s my duty to extend grace during the difficult encounters of life. I’m trying very hard, but in my heart I know that there is no damn way that chicken sandwich is still crispy at this point!! Still, I take a deep breath and conjure up a smile…

Me: Excuse me. I see that you have included the regular medium tots but now there are no chili-cheese tots in this bag. Where did my chili-cheese tots go?

Latino Attendant: I thought you said you wanted regular medium tots instead of chili-cheese tots.

Me: No no…I’m rather sure I said I wanted both…(window slams for the third time during the middle of my patient explanation)

Another couple minutes slip by while my chicken sandwich devolves further and further away from crispness. Then suddenly an African-American youth appears at the window and I spot the manager name tag. He seems to be studying a screen carefully and with practiced skill. Once again the window buckles open with a rude jerking motion (perhaps it needs some WD-40 by now) and the manager speaks:

Manager: So, what you want is a cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, one regular tots and one chili-cheese tots, correct?

Me: Thanks God in heaven…YES!!!

Manager: Ok, that will be $4.95.

Me: Excuse me?

Manager: Yeah well…we didn’t charge you for the regular medium tots the first time…

I wasn’t about to use a credit card to pay for one regular medium tots so I fished through my wallet and was surprised to find a ten dollar bill. 

By the time I made it home my chicken sandwich was the consistency of a dill pickle slice but at least vaguely warm. 

But the chili-cheese tots were absolute money! 

Before I go to bed tonight I’ll pop a couple Pepcids

You Don’t See One of These Everyday

I made the huge mistake this afternoon around one o’clock of venturing over to Dick’s Sporting Goods to do some Christmas shopping. The problem was that everyone else in Virginia had the same idea. The resulting surge of humanity resulted in me having to park three football fields away over in the American Family parking lot. While making the quarter mile hike from my parking space to Dick’s I happened by the most freakish vehicle I have ever seen in a parking lot at the mall. It was the sort of thing that was so bizarrely stupid and nonsensical, I just had to stop and take a couple pictures. As I was doing so a fellow shopper stopped and saw me taking pictures, looked at me and said, “I know, right?? Who would go shopping in that monstrosity?”

As I got closer I started to notice the absurdity of the thing. It bulged out of the parking space with one end and lapsed at least six feet into a second space. As I approached, I noticed that the bottom of the passenger door came up to my waist…and there was no step. What manner of human being would buy such a thing, let alone drive it?? He obviously is single. How would a girl get inside the cab without pole vaulting?

To protect his/her reputation, all of the windows in this thing were darkened—which I thought was illegal in Virginia. But as weird and jacked up as this laughable phallic symbol was, the best part was the thing hanging off the tailgate…

 So, this cowpoke is ready to tow damn near anything, apparently. I’m sure one of my readers can give me a perfectly rational explanation for why Bubba here needs a towing package with six different possibilities. But the question remains—why would you chose this thing to run by the mall? I’m thinking that if your rig requires two parking spaces, you might want to consider taking the bus. Besides, if this dude lives in Beaverdam or Montpelier, he probably can’t get to the mall and back on one tank of gas.

But, like they say, there is no accounting for taste. To each his/her own. Maybe this dude is seven feet tall and this is the only vehicle that fits him. Perhaps he runs a towing business. Maybe he lucked into it by being the winning bidder at a blind auction. Or maybe this was like a company Christmas Party White Elephant exchange that got out of hand.

All I know is that somebody sure could have used that extra parking space.

An Argument I Once Had With My Mom…

My Mom once told me to stop making breakfast puns.

She warned me that if I did I’d be toast; she said she just pancake it anymore. How waffle, right? I was in a real jam, so I learned to be syrup-titious about it. At least Dad, a cereal punster himself, kept egging me on. He was such a ham. Whoever sausage a thing?

When Mom realized how crestfallen I was she apologized. To which I said, “Omelet it slide this time.”

I can’t begin to eggsplain how hurt I was by her rejection of my puns. It was eggstraordinarily painful. It certainly didn’t go over easy. But Mom and I eventually hashed it out. Ultimately the yolk was on her though. I figured out that there were a brunch more meals to make puns about.

It was only years later when I discovered that she was laughtose intolerant. That’s when I realized I shouldn’t have Benedict about it.

I guess I should stop now. Don’t want to milk this too long.

Happy Hollandaise, everyone!

When Dogs Die

One of the great dogs in our neighborhood passed away yesterday. Our next door neighbor’s French Bulldog, Vander crossed the golden rainbow, leaving them sad and bereft. I’m not sure but Van probably was there at the birth of all three of their kids, so the loss will be even harder for the kids. Ever since I found out, I’ve been thinking about the dogs I have lost. The memories are both bitter and sweet.

Our first Golden Retriever was a beautiful big-headed blond named Murphy. Pam and I had only been married for a year when we got him. We immediately built a fence around our backyard to accommodate Murph. Although he spent plenty of time inside with us, he was largely an outside dog. Both of our children were born while Murph was with us and he loved them dearly and endured all of their horseplay with supreme patience and dignity. The first winter after we moved into this house, Murphy passed away on Christmas Eve. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Prior to Murphy, all of my childhood dogs had been outside animals and would quietly wander off deep into the woods when it was their time to go, sparing us the sadness. But, there I was laying on a cold tile floor at Gayton Animal hospital on Christmas Eve holding Murphy close while they administered the injection. Nothing I had ever experienced in life had prepared me for that moment.

Twelve or thirteen years later it was our second Golden, the indomitable, never to be replicated Molly who left us after a beautiful life. She was without question the most loving, affectionate animal I have ever known, and easily the smartest. She was the unofficial dog of the Grove Avenue Baptist church 200 student strong youth group. She was raised in a house crawling with teenagers on the weekends and she quickly warmed to the task of being showered with affection. When she was diagnosed with cancer at age eleven we were devastated. The Vet told us she had two weeks tops. She made it three and only showed outward signs of suffering in the last 24 hours. She died in our arms on the living room floor at four in the morning. It was excruciating. I’m not sure that Pam has ever gotten over it, she loved her so.

Now, our crazy neurotic Lucy is only eight and healthy as a horse. She has plenty of time, but her day will come and it will be horrible. Its the bargain we all make when we introduce a dog into the family. God allows us the privilege of their company for a limited time, and then he calls them home. The joy and happiness and laughter they bring to our lives means that when they go home they owe us nothing. They have given everything they had to us, holding back nothing.

But with the passing of time, I have a different perspective of their passing. I think that it should have been a time of celebration. Our dogs lived wonderful, full lives. They were cared for, adored and pampered. They enjoyed the love and devotion of children. They spent their days sleeping in front of warm fires and snuggling with us on sofas. They truly lived their very best lives in our care.

As far as Van is concerned, I would tell those sweet kids that he lived a great life and I bet if he was given the chance to live that life over again, he would chose them…again. Why wouldn’t he? What greater life could there be than one where you are loved and cherished by your family? Would that all of us could say the same.

Trying My Best to Grow Up

It’s six o’clock in the morning and all is reasonably well. Today I have an audit to endure from my broker-dealer, which is always a highlight of any year. This one will be my first virtual audit…the gift that keeps on giving from the COVID Era. I suppose my discomfort will also be virtual.

Speaking of discomfort, I ran across an excellent dad joke this morning:

How do you say constipation in German?

Farfrompoopin. Except in the region of Bavaria where the word is stoppenzeploppin.

My wife will eventually read this and when she does I bet she will ask herself this question: “My husband is getting ready to turn 65 years old. When in God’s name is he going to stop with these juvenile dad jokes??” This is a perfectly reasonable question for her to ask. With age is supposed to come wisdom, maturity, and seriousness of purpose. I suppose it’s not a good look to be making bathroom jokes at this stage of the game. I mean, the country is 31 Trillion dollars in debt, our President is within months of incontinence, and people are dying in Ukraine and what am I doing? Inflicting cringeworthy dad jokes on my beleaguered readership. Well, I am seriously considering growing up…but first there’s this:

A dinosaur named Sarah opened a women’s clothes store.

She called it Try Sarah’s Tops.

You should never challenge death to a pillow fight…

Unless you’re willing to face the Reaper cushions.

The Air Force has built new missiles filled with strawberry jelly.

They are designed to jam enemy radar.

Learning New Tricks

I fixed dinner tonight. This isn’t something I do very often. First of all, Pam is a terrific cook, while I’m more of a terrific consumer. This symbiotic relationship has served both of us quite well over the years. However, there are times when she needs a break from the kitchen. She hasn’t been feeling great for a couple days and this afternoon came home from work with an ailing, albeit sexy voice. She had planned on making my favorite soup. The recipe was laying on the counter. I glanced over it and thought, “I got this.”

It didn’t seem all that complicated, just a bunch of slicing of vegetables and what not. I gathered all the ingredients and laid them out on the counter and got to work. Along the way I did have to bother her with questions—which was a pain, because if I hadn’t the poor thing would have taken a nice long nap on the sofa. Instead I kept asking stuff like…When it says one Tablespoon of Olive Oil, what kind of olive oil do I use?? There’s like four different bottles in here and they all say different stuff! She also had to remind me that the minced garlic called for in the recipe would be the kind in the refrigerator, not the minced garlic in the spice rack…that kind of thing. Nevertheless, once I got started it was quite fun. Cutting up the celery, carrots and onions was cool. I found myself making a game out of it, seeing how fast I could cut up an entire carrot without slicing off the tips of my fingers—probably not a wise move. The most time consuming part of the process was shredding up the collard greens. Pam says she always takes off the big thick veins that run down the middle of each leaf. That was kinda boring. Once I got everything chopped and in the pot I had around 30 minutes to kill. So, I got everything together to make the Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits, since any idiot knows that you can’t have Black Eyed Peas and Collard Green soup without biscuits. Pam was ambivalent about the notion of me cooking two separate things at once and offered to make the biscuits herself. But, I refused her offer because I wanted her to rest and I was feeling it.

So I look in the pantry and see that there is a box that had already been opened. Pam had used half the ingredients a few days ago to make just five biscuits for the two of us. I look at the box and think…this is perfect. I’ll just half the ingredients and make another five. Everything was going perfectly. The soup was simmering and smelling wonderful. I had preheated the oven like a champ. All I had to do is dump the mix, some cheese and some water in a mixing bowl and get the biscuits in the oven. But when I started mixing everything up I knew that something was wrong. Instead of dough that could be fashioned into biscuits the bowl was swimming with thin, yellow dough-soup! I had halved every ingredient perfectly except the water. Pam calmly walked into the kitchen and opened a new box of Red lobster biscuit mix, and handed me half of the flour to correct my error. Embarrassing.

But, I am happy to report that everything was delicious. Pam’s voice is even lower than it was when she got home. But at least she didn’t have to make dinner!