Testing My Patience

I am desperately weaving in and out of the insane traffic between my house and Sonic near 6 o’clock tonight when I receive a text from my wife. It appears on the screen in the middle of what used to be called a dashboard. I read the words with eyes that dart to and fro at the red tail lights in front of me. Time had gotten away from us both, which happens a lot in the days leading up to Christmas. We looked up and it was time for dinner and neither of us wanted to cook or be bothered with going out to eat. The least obnoxious alternative turned out to be the short one mile drive down Pump road, then a right on Broad street, and finally a left into the Sonic drive thru. Pam’s instructions were bewildering:

Pam: PLAIN Sonic Cheeseburger (this comes without lettuce and tomato)- - with ketchup and mayo. Tots.

Perhaps it was the traffic or my hunger. My spoken answer was equally confusing:

Me: That text makes no sense. It’s contradictory. What do you want? Lettuce and tomato or no lettuce and tomato?

After hashing out this crucial point, I finally arrive at the drive thru menu board. Thankfully there is no one ahead or behind me so I have time to consider my options. I make the executive decision then proceed to the little window level microphone and speaker where I am greeted by the crackling sound of a Latina teenager, who asks me the question of the moment in a thick Central American accent: How can I help you?

Me: Yes. I would like a PLAIN cheeseburger with ketchup and mayo along with a…

Crackling voice coming through speaker: You want cheeseburger without ketchup and mayo.

Me: No no…I do want the ketchup and mayo.

CVCTS: Ok..no ketchup and no mayo.

Me: No dear…I want the ketchup and mayo. In fact if you don’t put the ketchup and mayo on this cheeseburger, my wife will not be happy.

CVCTS: I see. What you want is cheeseburger with ketchup and mayo. Is this right?

Me: Perfect!! Now I also want a medium order of tots…

CVCTS: Is this a combo?

Me: No. No combo. Just the cheeseburger and tots.

CVCTS: Combo would be cheaper.

Me: Perhaps. But we have water at home. I also would like the Crispy Chicken sandwich along with the medium chili-cheese tots.

CVCTS: Thank you. Your total is $15.95. Please drive around.

First of all, don’t judge me for ordering the chili-cheese tots. I’m very much aware of the calorie count and total absence of any nutritional value of this particular item. But before you go all Ina Garten on me, I will simply ask you one question—Have you tasted them? If not, shut up.

Second of all, what happens next tested all of my powers of patience and forbearance. My Latina clerk appears at the checkout window looking as if she was so bored a whisper of a wind might blow her off her feet. I handed her my credit card and she soon handed it back to me along with my receipt, then slammed the window shut. This gave me a moment to inspect said receipt for any errors. Sure enough, I see that I have been charged for one medium tots. No chili-cheese tots to be found. About this time the window snaps open rather violently and Miss Guadalupe hands me a bag. I open it and see a cheeseburger and a chicken sandwich along with the chili cheese tots (which I have not been charged for) but no regular medium tots (which I have been charged for). Needless to say, I am perplexed. I try to explain to her about the missing tots, but she looks at me like I’m some crazy Gringo with two heads. Soon a Latino attendant shows up and I try to explain the situation to him and he seems to get it, smiles effortlessly and takes the bag out of my hand while once again slamming the window in my face. I look in the rear view mirror and am relieved beyond words that there is no one behind me. At least I am not holding some family of four up from their dinner. Latino dude then slings the hapless window open and hands me the bag with a confident, “thank you!!” I open the bag and could immediately feel the hair standing up on my neck. Inside the bag was the cheeseburger, the crispy chicken sandwich and an order of regular medium tots…but no chili-cheese tots. 

At this point I’m trying to remind myself that they are only kids. It’s almost Christmas. I consider myself a Christian man. It’s my duty to extend grace during the difficult encounters of life. I’m trying very hard, but in my heart I know that there is no damn way that chicken sandwich is still crispy at this point!! Still, I take a deep breath and conjure up a smile…

Me: Excuse me. I see that you have included the regular medium tots but now there are no chili-cheese tots in this bag. Where did my chili-cheese tots go?

Latino Attendant: I thought you said you wanted regular medium tots instead of chili-cheese tots.

Me: No no…I’m rather sure I said I wanted both…(window slams for the third time during the middle of my patient explanation)

Another couple minutes slip by while my chicken sandwich devolves further and further away from crispness. Then suddenly an African-American youth appears at the window and I spot the manager name tag. He seems to be studying a screen carefully and with practiced skill. Once again the window buckles open with a rude jerking motion (perhaps it needs some WD-40 by now) and the manager speaks:

Manager: So, what you want is a cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, one regular tots and one chili-cheese tots, correct?

Me: Thanks God in heaven…YES!!!

Manager: Ok, that will be $4.95.

Me: Excuse me?

Manager: Yeah well…we didn’t charge you for the regular medium tots the first time…

I wasn’t about to use a credit card to pay for one regular medium tots so I fished through my wallet and was surprised to find a ten dollar bill. 

By the time I made it home my chicken sandwich was the consistency of a dill pickle slice but at least vaguely warm. 

But the chili-cheese tots were absolute money! 

Before I go to bed tonight I’ll pop a couple Pepcids