You Don’t See One of These Everyday

I made the huge mistake this afternoon around one o’clock of venturing over to Dick’s Sporting Goods to do some Christmas shopping. The problem was that everyone else in Virginia had the same idea. The resulting surge of humanity resulted in me having to park three football fields away over in the American Family parking lot. While making the quarter mile hike from my parking space to Dick’s I happened by the most freakish vehicle I have ever seen in a parking lot at the mall. It was the sort of thing that was so bizarrely stupid and nonsensical, I just had to stop and take a couple pictures. As I was doing so a fellow shopper stopped and saw me taking pictures, looked at me and said, “I know, right?? Who would go shopping in that monstrosity?”

As I got closer I started to notice the absurdity of the thing. It bulged out of the parking space with one end and lapsed at least six feet into a second space. As I approached, I noticed that the bottom of the passenger door came up to my waist…and there was no step. What manner of human being would buy such a thing, let alone drive it?? He obviously is single. How would a girl get inside the cab without pole vaulting?

To protect his/her reputation, all of the windows in this thing were darkened—which I thought was illegal in Virginia. But as weird and jacked up as this laughable phallic symbol was, the best part was the thing hanging off the tailgate…

 So, this cowpoke is ready to tow damn near anything, apparently. I’m sure one of my readers can give me a perfectly rational explanation for why Bubba here needs a towing package with six different possibilities. But the question remains—why would you chose this thing to run by the mall? I’m thinking that if your rig requires two parking spaces, you might want to consider taking the bus. Besides, if this dude lives in Beaverdam or Montpelier, he probably can’t get to the mall and back on one tank of gas.

But, like they say, there is no accounting for taste. To each his/her own. Maybe this dude is seven feet tall and this is the only vehicle that fits him. Perhaps he runs a towing business. Maybe he lucked into it by being the winning bidder at a blind auction. Or maybe this was like a company Christmas Party White Elephant exchange that got out of hand.

All I know is that somebody sure could have used that extra parking space.