Crunching Numbers

Now that I am fully engaged 100% in business mode, my mind has suddenly become immersed in numbers. It happens every year around this time. The life cycle of my business year is front loaded onto the first five months of the year by ingenious design, freeing my summers up for Maine. The only downside to this happy arrangement is that I become a tiresome bore this time of year, insomuch as I become singularly focused on business. For example, ran across this late last night:

Ok, by posting this chart I have lost half of you. I apologize. Anyway, the takeaway from this chart is the news that the Federal government of the United States set an all-time record in the first quarter of this fiscal year (October-December), by collecting an astounding $1,051,873,000,000 in taxes. That’s one trillion, fifty-one billion, eight-hundred and seventy-three million dollars. It’s the first time we have ever collected over a trillion dollars in revenue in any quarter ever. I hear that the Treasury Department threw a party. But, then there’s this:

“At the same time that it was collecting a record $1,051,873,000,000 in total taxes in the October-through-December period, the federal government was spending $1,429,567,000,000. Thus, it ran a deficit of $377,694,000,000.”

In other words, We spent 378 billion dollars more than we took in…in a mere 90 days. If you’re keeping score at home, that amounts to $4 billion, 200 hundred million dollars—every single day. Although these numbers are simply too large and abstract for any of us to truly comprehend, for someone like me they represent some kind of colossal failure. But luckily, almost every single warring faction in Washington DC is united in their conviction that this is not a problem. Or, if it is, its way down the list—after income inequality and transgender rights. I have been worried about this issue for nearly 40 years now and yet we are still plugging along. When I first started worrying about debts and deficits all those years ago, our entire national debt stood at $1.1 trillion dollars. Now that it stands at $26 trillion, I must admit to feeling a bit sheepish. Why have I lost all this sleep over a mere 25 trillion bucks? Oh well…I’m getting ready to turn 64 years old. Guess I’ll just let the kids sort it all out.

Some Really Weird Stuff Happened in the Bible

Just in case any of you are wondering whatever became of the Puzzle of Death from last week? Finished it today!!

So perhaps now we can reclaim our kitchen table…after we admire it for a few days. 

Next is a mental health update with regards to Lucy. We have discovered a new psychosis in the ever-evolving Petri dish that is our Golden Retriever’s personality. As alert readers will recall, Pam received several smart plugs for Christmas which allows her to perform all sorts of tasks with a simple spoken command to Alexa. Now, practically every light fixture in the entire house comes on whenever we tell Alexa to turn on the lights. But, there’s a problem. In the millisecond just before the lights come on, the plugs emit a barely discernible (to human ears) crackling sound. We’re talking about a fraction of a second, and as I said, its barely even a sound. But when it comes to Lucy’s hypersonic super ears, it has become the signal to jump out of her skin and make a beeline upstairs! We have tried to explain the situation to her but she just sits there and looks at us like we have lost our minds. Its like she’s thinking…How many time I have woke up from dead sleep and stare at ceiling? Every time you say, “what she see?” even though it clear as day that I see evil monster. Now, the monster have voice. It name ALEXA and it take over house and taunt me all live long day while you at work. I only thing standing between you and ALEXA, and now you give her power of light! We are trying to walk the sweet girl through this fresh insanity, but prayers would be appreciated.

Finally, a few words about day three of the reading through the Bible in 90 days adventure. I am now knee deep into the bizarre world of the ancient patriarchs, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, three fascinating but intensely weird human beings. Actually, Abraham and Isaac are fine—scary—but fine. I just can’t warm up to Jacob. I consider him a disaster in almost every conceivable way. He was a duplicitous brother, an absentee father, a cheating businessman, and totally incompetent in love. I mean, how drunk do you have to be to not be able to tell the difference between the alleged “love of his life” with her SISTER?  I was talking about this with a friend recently and made the observation that I had always had a difficult time understanding the ancients. These guys had personal conversations with God like every five minutes. In them, God was constantly assuring them of how he was with them, would protect them, provide for them, make mighty nations out of their families. And yet, let these guys get fifty miles out of town and immediately they start lying about their wives, seemingly terrified that someone is going to steal and ravish them. This, despite the fact that each of them had a virtual harem of wives at their beck and call. I mean, each night it was like a conjugal buffet for these men!!

But then the strangest thing happens, something that makes this reading the Bible in 90 days so meaningful. Just about the time you’re feeling nice and smug about Jacob’s spiritual failings, you hear the slightest whisper somewhere in your heart saying something like this:

“Yes, they had many problems…but they had no written record of my words. You, on the other hand, have access to the Bible from your cell phone in 100 different languages, three dozen versions, complete with graphics, maps, commentaries and even audio versions featuring the voice of James Earl, Freaking Jones, and yet…YOU forget me all the time. No matter how many times I answer your prayers, no matter how many times I prove my faithfulness, eventually you forget all my promises.”

Its then that it dawns on you that whether or not it was 2000 BC or last week, the human heart hasn’t changed much. We are still prone to wander, prone to forget. We all need reminding. That’s what this time in God’s word is about for me. Its the great reminding.

The Gift of Dark Humor

Yesterday afternoon I thought it might be a good idea to take advantage of the sunshine, and comparatively mild temperatures, to go for a run. There was snow in the forecast which provided even more incentive, so off I went. I didn’t set out to break any speed records and didn’t feel quite up to a very long run so after two miles or so I slowed to a walk and headed back towards the house. Soon I felt the beginnings of some mild abdominal cramps. Whenever this happens, a parade of horrifying memories come to mind. I’ve experienced quite a few encounters with this particular ailment but mercifully none recently. My first course of action is always to take a quick mental inventory of what I had eaten earlier in the day. Had I perhaps ingested something unusual that might have triggered my agitation? I came up with nothing. As the cramps began to become more intense I quickened my pace. Once home, I had the delightful experience of three hours of umm…intestinal discomfort. The alert reader will notice the lengths I am going to avoid using the D-word.

Fourteen hours later, I am better but not totally out of the woods. I woke up from a fitful nights sleep around 3:00 am and have been up ever since, not feeling well at all but far better than I was last night. But, the point of this post is not to regale you with stories of this unfortunate illness, but rather to share with you an example of my life long fondness for—dark humor.

Last night around 9:30, I was upstairs in my easy chair trying to do some reading as a distraction, when all of a sudden a joke began to form in my head. I immediately typed it out and texted it downstairs to Pam…

What do you call it when you can’t remember how to spell the D-word?

Irritable vowel syndrome.

My wife’s reply was swift and unequivocal—“That’s terrible. Nothing about d,-,-,-,-,-,-,- is funny!”

In Pam’s defense, her experiences from a week in Maine with her parents last year probably traumatized her to the point where any mention of the word for true rest of her life will be off limits.

But still…I really was proud of that joke. For a brief couple of minutes I wasn’t thinking of how sick I felt. This is the gift of dark humor, allowing as it does a momentary escape from being the victim to the victimizer.

Now maybe the next time you are visited by this scourge, you will remember the joke and find comfort—or not. Probably not.

What Makes a Smart Plug…Smart?

As many of you know, I am married to a woman who is a technology freak. She loves all things having to do with computers and all the various and sundry gadgets that have proliferated from them over the last decade or so. While most women’s eyes light up when you give them jewelry, Pam’s eyes light up when I buy her a new gadget. It’s kinda creepy. Anyway, near the top of her Christmas list this year was something called a Smart Plug. When I did a bit of research into the thing I discovered that it was a new Amazon gadget whereby you could transform anything that needs to be plugged in into something that would respond to voice commands like—Alexa, do the laundry, or…Alexa, bring me breakfast in bed. Just kidding…but not by much.

So, I come down the stairs this morning at 5:50 am, in my usual early morning stupor. I walk into the family room. Its dark like it always is at this hour. I absently shuffle over to the lamp next to the sofa to turn on the light. Nothing. Didn’t I just replace that bulb? Cheap Chinese crap! So, I walk across the room and turn on the other lamp. Same thing. What are the odds? Two blown bulbs! But, its early and I’m not thinking as clearly as I normally do. I continue my shuffle into the kitchen. I proceed with the morning ritual of brewing my coffee. Once that’s finished, I shuffle over to the dishwasher. Pam, knowing my routine as she does has prepared a note for me…

What in the Sam Hill is this woman up to now, I think to myself. Because its early and I am vulnerable to exploitation, I obey,  “Alexa, let there be light.” Basically the entire downstairs explodes with incandescent light. It startles me. I actually jump a little…What the heck??!! I walk over to the recycling and see them all there and realize that this is basically my fault. See, her Christmas list asked for “a”…as in “one” smart plug. When I went to buy the thing I think for a minute, “Wait, she’s probably gonna want more than just one. She loves this crap.” So, overcome with Christmas generosity, I click the number 4 in the checkout cart, and last night while I slept, she struck. 

Of course, as I sit here in the luminous glow of electric light it occurs to me that she has the power to change the magic word on a whim, plunging me into darkness. I could come down here tomorrow and say, Alexa, let there be light, and nothing…while she’s upstairs laughing her head off. Another thing, I see that she did not tell me what the magic word is to turn all these lights off. Smart plug indeed!

The Puzzle of Death

Yesterday was supposed to be my first day back at the office, the day that my new business year began. Instead, we got seven inches of snow, a bunch of people lost power, and we set some kind of COVID record. How about we all just stay home in January, come back February 1st and try again?

Regardless of conditions, I will go in this morning. One day at home for snow is quite enough for me. But Pam is happy as a clam. She is using her snow days to take down Christmas decorations, organize her new planner—don’t ask!— and continue her pitched battle against the puzzle of death:

Last summer while we were in Maine Pam thought it would be fun if we worked on a puzzle at the cabin. So she bought a Maine-themed 1000 piece monster and we all spend time working on it over a period of days. To my great surprise it was actually kinda fun. When my family does this sort of thing during the beach trips, I always take a hard pass. It looks so…slow and tedious…requiring way too much sitting for my taste. So, I was skeptical. 

But it turned out to be a cool project and a surprising good time. 

But the Christmas vacation version of puzzle fun has been a slow slog of frustration, and it lays there—daunting and unfinished. To make matters worse, the kids are all long gone and we kinda need our kitchen table back. So, it’s just Pam and me…mostly Pam fighting this battle. She is determined that she will finish this thing, no matter how long it takes. Long ago, this thing stopped being fun. Now its war. Its labyrinth of tree limbs, weeds and expanses of white nothingness are the gauntlet between us and our kitchen table being reclaimed, and Pam is on a mission.

Meanwhile, the only positive about snow is the opportunities for photography. May I present our deck at 6:45 this morning…

My Perpetual New Year’s Resolution

I could use less cynicism. It might be nice to look on the bright side every once in a while. It might help to be less critical, more empathetic, less of a smart-ass. My contentment level would probably rise if I was less obsessed with the future and more invested in the present. I should attempt to be a better listener, offer my opinions less frequently, and not hold those opinions in such high regard. I should pursue friendships with more vigor, hold grudges less tightly. I should spend more time in prayer. I should read the Bible more and the Drudge Report less. I should recommit myself to my hobbies, more golf and fishing, fewer excuses. Greater enthusiasm for my profession, more thankfulness, less fatalism. I need to escape the treadmill of politics since it only breeds frustration and resentment, and give the guys on the other side of the aisle the gift of my indifference.

My perpetual New Year’s resolution, first written in 2012.

2022 Predictions

Every year around this time I write a Predictions post. The 2012 post was my best since I absolutely nailed my first two predictions—2012 ended without peace in the Middle East, and the Federal Government did spend more money in 2012 than they did in 2011. But, I must admit that some of my more recent prediction posts haven’t exactly been Nostradamus-like. This beauty from 2016 comes to mind— President Obama, exhausted after seven years of being both a Christian and a Muslim, declares himself the first Buddhist president. 

Lucky for readers of The Tempest, I am not discouraged by miserable failure. So, without further delay, may I present to you…

2022 Predictions

1. Just about the time when the world thinks it has finally beaten back the COVID pandemic, scientists discover the Zebra variant, which originates in a diner in Canada, and whose primary symptom seems to be transforming it’s victims into polite human beings.

2. Joe Biden will survive the second year of his Presidency, costing members of his caucus a fortune since they all took the under on 18 months.

3. A team from the SEC will win the college football National Championship for the 12th time in the past 16 years, which will bring calls to reform the playoff system to allow more inclusion and equity. Suggestions include forcing SEC schools to play with only 9 players.

4. Speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi will die from a fatal reaction to a new anesthetic drug administered during her record 9th face lift operation. Fortunately for the Pelosi family, her husband, venture capitalist Paul Pelosi had recently shorted the drug makers stock.

5. Former President Donald Trump announces plans to build a five star luxury casino inside the Vatican. He promises that all the proceeds from the venture will go to Catholic charities. In an unrelated move, Trump announces his conversion to Catholicism.

6. The 2022 Major League Baseball season is cancelled by the ongoing labor dispute between the grossly overpaid and coddled players and their insanely wealthy and coddled owners. In a last ditch effort to save the season, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is brought in to mediate based on the fact that she once was a waitress at a sports bar.

7. Senator Joe Manchin upsets the political balance in the Senate by declaring himself a Republican. In response, Bernie Sanders, figuring what the hell?, finally decides to declare himself a Communist.

8. The much anticipated 2022 midterm elections set a modern record of being referred to as the most consequential election in history a staggering 6 million times by the media. After all the votes were stolen, faked, forged, and finally counted The Republican Party takes control of both houses of Congress. Barbara Streisand, Bette Midler, and Michelle Obama announce plans to move to France. The French government immediately closes its border.

9. The stock market continues to move up and down wildly in ways that no human being alive or dead can explain or predict.

10. Doug and Pam Dunnevant finally buy their dream lake house in Maine.