Humor is a Funny Thing

What makes people laugh? It’s complicated, as the kids like to say. What makes me laugh might leave you cold. The things that make you laugh, I might think are dumb. So, as it turns out...humor is a funny thing.

My earliest memories of laughing at things centered around the Three Stooges. But the first time I made Pam watch an episode with me back when we were dating she sat there staring at the television, then back at me with thinly veiled horror played out on her face. “This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. These guys are sadists. All they are doing is playing physical pain for laughs!!” To which I answered, “Exactly!! Isn’t it hilarious??” We agreed to disagree. I still think slapstick, sight gags and a well timed rake handle in the face are funny, but that’s just me.

Later on in life, I became a huge George Carlin fan. Still am. Loved Rodney Dangerfield, Foster Brooks, Tim Conway, Carol Burnett, Steve Martin, and the brilliant physical comedy of Dick Van Dyke. 

Today there are plenty of really funny men and women out there, but there are also comics that I don’t care for. People who I find unnecessarily profane, too reliant on foils, that sort of thing. But again, that’s a personal preference.

Trying to keep my cancer-fighting friend supplied with jokes every day for the past couple of months has been a chore. But I have been helped by several friends who are now sending me collections of jokes to keep my supply full. Some have been really bad, but I so appreciate the effort. Then there’s my sister-in-law, Sharon...

Ok, one of my biggest regrets in life is that I haven’t saved every birthday card that Sharon has given me over the forty years that I have known her. She has what I consider to be a terrific sense of humor. The cards she buys are always laugh out loud funny. She just has the knack, the finely tuned funny bone, and perfect comedic timing. I bring this up because yesterday she sent me a text with an attachment...

In doing so, she introduced me to an entire genre of bad jokes called Confucius Say jokes. Somehow in my bottom-feeding journey of the internet I had missed them. Here are just a few examples of these short, pithy one liners:

Man who have clear conscience usually have bad memory, too.

Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jumps for Joy

Man who has bird in hand finds it hard to blow nose.

No husband ever been shot while he do dishes.

Man who push piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

But then all of a sudden, in the midst of a long list of similar jokes comes some really deep and wise things. For example:

Work to become, not to acquire.

He who thinks only of number one must remember that this number is next to nothing.

War doesn’t determine who is right, but who is left.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

So, a big shout out to Sharon Nunn. Thanks for the new supply!

A Life to Live and Serious Taxes To Pay

There was an election in Virginia this week and I haven’t had anything to say about it yet, which has probably come as a big relief to the readers of this blog. But, I suppose I should offer an opinion on the results since so many of my Facebook friends haven't hesitated to express their glee/regret. Although I wish I could summon a similarly passionate response, it’s just not in me anymore.

The ballot in Henrico featured a State Senate and Delegate race, Commonwealth attorney contest, Sheriff’s race, a couple of unopposed board of supervisor seats and the all-important County Soil and Water Conservation Board tilt.( talk about your mudslinging!!) So I quickly cast my vote for Senate and Delegate, having made my decision long ago based on the life achievements of the candidates and their personal taste in eye ware. I refused to cast a vote for the unopposed candidates based upon my long standing refusal to do so, figuring that there is no point in feeding any politician’s ego. When I got to the sheriff’s race, I was quite embarrassed to discover that I had no idea who the incumbent was. There were just three candidate’s names with no party affiliation. What was I to do? It was only later that I discovered that there was no incumbent, he had retired. Anyhow, There was one female name and two male names, so I picked the woman on the flimsy reasoning that it might be nice to have a female sheriff. By the time I got to the hotly contested Soil and  Water Commission race, I was flailing. There were five names, none of whom I had ever heard of, and I was to pick three of the five. I left it blank, I am sure to the great relief of soil and water lovers everywhere. 

The big story out of this year’s election was the fact that Virginia is now a blue state, the Democrats having taken over both houses of the legislature to go along with their blackface-painting governor, giving them free reign in the Old Dominion for the first time in ages. According to many of my friends on Facebook, I am supposed to be deeply concerned about this, seeing as it is ushering in the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, or something. Maybe they’re right. Other friends were delighted that the Republican Party of Donald Trump had been rebuked so convincingly. Maybe, maybe not. One friend posted “Republican Party RIP.” Sick, yes...dead, no.

It is historically difficult to predict the future especially when it comes to politics. Things change, people change, parties change. Candidates get swept into office on a tide of either outrage or euphoria, only to overreach once in power then get thrown out a few elections later. I have lived long enough to see this happen to both parties more than once already. But, it is hard to ignore demographics. You don’t have to be a pointy-headed political scientist to see the trends out there. America is changing demographically. There are many more immigrants here now and more on the way. A political party which welcomes them seems to be better positioned for success than a party that doesn’t. America is also changing its view of government. More and more people, especially the young don’t see it as a bureaucratic cesspool of self dealing and incompetence, but a tool for grand programs of social justice and positive change. It appears to me that a party who identifies itself as the party of government is better positioned for success than the party that identifies itself as a party committed to making government smaller and less important...at least for the short term. So, having said all of this, it comes as no surprise that Virginia is now...blue.

Seeing as how I am famously conservative/libertarian you would think that I should be much more up in the pictures about all of this. The fact that I’m not is due to the fact that I’ve learned two essential truths about politics over the years. First, things are never as bad or good as advertised. If Party A warns that Party B will do the unspeakable C if elected, 90% of the time, Party A is full of **it. Secondly, even when my preferred candidates win, more often than not, they don’t end up doing what they promised to do in the first place. I have been promised by conservative candidates for fifty years now that if I elected them they would roll back government spending and bring fiscal discipline back to Washington. It has proven to be the most durable lie in the history of the Republic.

So, for now it would appear that the Democrats have control of my State. My trick knee tells me they will soon have control of the country. It will be their turn to govern with few restraints. They will either be successful at giving people what they say they want, or they will overreach, go too far and suffer reversals in future elections. Meanwhile, I’ve got a life to live and some serious taxes to pay!

Two For Two!

So, this week has turned out to be car care week. Yesterday it was the Cadillac, today it’s my wife’s Hyundai. The beautiful and talented Pam Dunnevant walked in the house the other day and said, “Hey, I just noticed that my inspection sticker says “8”. Immediately, car care went to Def Com 5.

I dropped off the car at the dealership a few minutes ago and began to search Google for coffee shops in this area. Luckily for me, this place was right across the street...

In yet another fortuitous turn of events, this place is also a local establishment, with just one other location in the East End. Yes, I am aware that this is primarily a donut shop, but what is a donut without coffee? The answer is something I never want to experience!

I walk in and am greeted by the lovely Lorena who asks me what she can get me. She does so with a beautiful Latin accent which prompts me to ask her where she is from. She smiles and says “Venezuela. I have been here for two years.” I tell her about my son’s good friend who’s family came here from Venezuela many years ago. She tells me how horrible it is there and how lucky she has been to make it here to America. I tell her how glad I am that she made it and thank her for coming. For a minute it looks like she is going to cry.

She talks me into getting the chocolate glaze, although her original recommendation was the Boston Creme—which incidentally is the WiFi password—but the chocolate glaze looked too good to pass up...

Both the coffee and the donut were excellent. Honestly, I don’t understand how Starbucks can compete with coffee joints that don’t roast their beans beyond recognition, but that’s just me. One caveat, I have watched a succession of customers walk into this place for the past hour or so, at least twenty of them, and every single one of them was...very overweight. So, everything in moderation, people.

So I’m two for two this week with great local coffee shops. 

Get out there and do likewise.

Smaller Things

My Cadillac is getting old and starting to make old sounding noises. I had to take it to Axselle’s Auto to adjust something or other that Dave assured me would fix it’s latest ailment. It wouldn’t take too long, he explained, as he drove me down Lakeside Ave. to drop me off at a coffee shop where I could get some computer work done while I waited. Yes, this is the type of service and accommodation you get as a reward for fifty years of loyalty to the same mechanic, yet another benefit of buying local. Anyway, I walked into Bright Spot Coffee, ordered a cup and an oatmeal cookie from the friendly owner, Janine who informed me that her new shop was all of three weeks old...

The coffee was great, the anti-Starbucks in practically every way—not bitter or overpriced. The oatmeal/raisin cookie I ordered was hand made by Janine and delicious. The table where I sat was meticulously clean. The rock and roll playing on the sound system was turned down to a level that allowed for easy conversation. All this place needs is more traffic. I wish Bright Spot Coffee all the best.

I’ve noticed some things that have come with age, most of them painful and annoying, but others that have been welcomed. First of all, I have become a better listener, something that I struggled with when I was younger. When I was in my 30’s and 40’s instead of listening when someone was talking, I mostly was thinking about the next thing I was going to say. Not so much anymore. Of course, this new inclination to listen has been muted somewhat by my increasing inability to remember stuff, which is quite annoying and more than a little troubling.

Secondly, I’ve noticed that I’m not nearly as dogmatic about things as I was when I was younger. Dogma itself has started to annoy me. I still have things which I believe in passionately. I still hold to the position that there are absolute truths in life which I can count on to be true at all times and for all people. But with age has come a greater willingness to accept my own fallibility on a broad range of topics. Because of this, I find myself much more willing to try to understand people who disagree with me on those topics. As a result, I am learning things, and for lack of a more delicate term...learning to become less of a jerk.

The last thing I’ve noticed is that the older I get the more I am attracted to smaller things. Smaller towns, smaller gatherings, smaller enterprises...like Bright Spot Coffee. There’s nothing wrong with big box stores. They serve a purpose, they make many items more affordable. In many small population areas they are a Godsend. I’m not one of those guys who wants to abolish Walmart or kill Amazon. Their convenience, especially around Christmas, can be a lifesaver. But, if I have a choice, I always will choose a local company. My experience in this little coffee shop this morning was unique. It was unlike any experience that any of the millions of people walking into Starbucks around the world had today. Lakeside is full of places just like this. If you haven’t driven down Lakeside Ave. in a while, you should. When you do, stop in Bright Spot Coffee and say hello to Janine.

Ten Things I Will Never Tire Of

Leave it to my sister to complain about the negativity of yesterday’s blogpost. As a corrective measure she suggested a follow-up blog entitled, Ten Things I will Never Tire Of. Never let it be said that I can’t take constructive criticism, especially when it’s actually a good idea! Here goes:

I will never tire of living in a place with four distinct seasons. In Virginia we get all four of them and the contrast is one of the most genius aspects of creation. 

I will never get tired of baseball. My past enthusiasm for other sports has waned. Football, basketball and golf have all slowly fallen off my sports radar over the years, but baseball has been a constant. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been for lack of trying. The players’ strike of 1994 was a body blow and tempted me to walk away. The continued existence of the designated hitter roils me, the steroid crisis angered me beyond description...but baseball still endures in my heart and soul.

I will never get tired of sausage. Mild, medium or spicy. Polish, Italian, patties or links. Doesn’t matter.

I will never get tired of writing. For me its very much like breathing, an involuntary reflex that I have no ability to resist. It calms me down and fires me up. It allows me to express myself honestly without the assistance of expensive and annoying therapists. 

I will never get tired of Maine. I am drawn to the place like a moth is drawn to flame. It has the power to transform and rejuvenate like no other place in the world for me. It restores my soul.

I will never tire of the thrill I get from helping someone in need. It’s even more thrilling when you’re able to pull it off anonymously!

I will never get tired of the wonderful feeling I get when all four of my children are standing at the top of the steps waiting for Pam and I to allow them to come down on Christmas morning.

I will never get tired of intelligent, provocative and fearless preaching, the kind that convicts, provokes and inspires in equal measure. Anything less is a colossal waste of time.

I will never tire of dogs. They hold a unique place in my devotion that simply cannot be replaced by anything else. They make my life better in a thousand ways.

I will never tire of the thrill I get when I pull the trigger of my Daisy Powerline 35 and see that squirrel flipping head over heels out of the tree and onto the ground. 

Ten Things I’m Tired Of

At 6:00 in the morning on Monday the 4th of November, in the year of our Lord 2019, here is a short list of some things that I am tired of:

I’m tired of mean people. I’m just over self-centered narcissistic people who treat their fellow human beings with rudeness. I’m not saying that I am never guilty of this behavior because I am from time to time. But when it happens to me I instantly know it and feel contrite and usually rush to make amends. I’m talking about people for whom rudeness is a way of life, people who’s default personality trait is meanness. Enough already. Bring back manners.

I’m tired of advertising that seeks to convince us that we can’t be happy and fulfilled unless we buy the newest, shiniest, top of the line innovation available. In other words, I’m tired of all advertising. I’ve lived long enough, and enjoyed enough financial success to know that it’s all a lie. Things can’t fulfill you. It’s impossible. Seeking and striving after the latest, greatest thing is a recipe for perpetual discontent.

I’m tired of politics, politicians, and those who enable them by believing that they have the power to transform anything.

I’m tired of seeing social media arguments about hymns v praise choruses. Seriously, Christians? This is what we’re debating in 2019?

I’m tired of trying to figure out the right answer to every single hot button social issue of the day. Honestly, I don’t think it’s humanly possible to know the right way to think on everything. There are just going to be things this side of eternity that I don’t understand and will never understand. And, that’s ok. But, precisely because I don’t know the right answer to everything, I need to choose grace and humility towards people who might have different views. Some things need to be left in God’s hands. Let him sort it out. Meanwhile, be kind to people.

I’m tired of our celebrity culture. The adulation we heap upon famous people is disgusting. Watching my fellow Americans trying to look like, dress like, and act like celebrities is profoundly embarrassing.

I’m tired of greed in all of its forms. The salaries of many corporate executives are an outrage, and often do great harm to the financial integrity of the companies they lead. The vast fortunes that even the lowliest Congressmen build while ostensibly devoting their lives to public service is a joke. The money that gets thrown at athletes is obscene considering the fact that the cumulative effect of their salaries has made it next to impossible for a family of four to attend a game without taking out a home equity line. I understand the complexities involved in setting the proper price for goods and services in a free society, but when a CEO makes 50 million in a year when his company loses money and lays off a thousand workers, when a Congressman who makes $175,000 a year ends up with a net worth of 20 million after three terms in Congress, when you start paying utility infielders 9 million dollars a year...something has gone off the rails.

I’m tired of diva wide receivers. Actually, just tired of pro football.

I’m tired of Christmas junk appearing in stores before Halloween.

I’m tired of squirrels and their insistence on existing.

All I’ve Got Left

Baseball season is over. I just finished writing my third novel in five years. Stupid daylight savings time has screwed with the universe to the point where it’s dark at 5:30 in the afternoon. All I’ve got left at this point is the following horrible Dad Jokes:

Women gets convicted of armed robbery. Judge tells her that she can either spend ten years in Prison or sleep with him.

Judge got recalled for ending a sentence with a proposition.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar...

It was tense.

Have you heard about that new Italian suppository?

They call it innuendo.

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

What happens when you put a vest on an alligator?

He becomes ....an investigator

If you had to put a number on how many times a day your dog barks, what would you call it?

A ruff estimate