Pending Yard Sale Panic

If you are a regular reader of The Tempest you will be familiar with the biennial Dunnevant family..(cue the suspenseful music)...YARD SALE. I have written about it many times, most notably,  here...https://doug-thetempest.blogspot.com/2015/06/enduring-my-biennial-beat-down.html. And here...https://doug-thetempest.blogspot.com/2016/11/dunnevant-family-yardsale-116-fall-2016.html. Well, once again, the dreadful thing has reared its ugly head. E-mails are flying around featuring raging debates on everything from the proper price point for children’s clothing to how many tables we need and who is bringing them and when the heck we are supposed to show up both Thursday and Friday evening for the crucial pre-sale table prep. This year, if e-mail trash talk can be believed, there will be a new feature adorning the sales desk...a Square App on my wife’s iPad!!...a huge update from that worn out abacus we’ve been using. Of course, we still employ a cash box and strictly enforce our No checks, No credit, No dang way policy.

This week was supposed to be the week that my wife was going to clean out the attic and haul down all of the candidates we would offer for sale. But, each day when I come home from work, the pile doesn’t seem very large, and my wife doesn’t seem too concerned about it either. She seems strangely calm, sedated even. There has been no fevered activity, no agiated mumbling, not even one word of profanity. Moreover, despite the looming deadline, there hasn’t been the slightest trace of panic in her eyes. This has been a disturbing development. When she acts this way...calm, serene, and unhurried on yard sale week, I start to worry. What is going on? What possible explanation could there possibly be for the complete absence of drama?

1. Is my wife using illegal narcotics?

2. Is she gravely ill?

3. Has the thick pollen coalesced in her brain causing it to short circuit, dramatically altering her personality?

A more likely explanation is that, having just finished packing up her room at school, combined with being on the road to Nashville and back last weekend, she has simply been unable to rouse herself to action due to mental and physical exhaustion. Sometime either this afternoon or tomorrow, it’s going to hit her. Who knows what might trigger it? She might glance at the calendar, or she might stumble upon some worthless piece of junk in one of the kids rooms and it will hit her...Dear God in heaven...THE FREAKING YARD SALE IS TOMORROW!!!! AGRGGHHHHH!!!!

When it happens, I want to make sure I’m home and ready. She’s gonna need some muscle...some dumb, cheap labor to do her bidding. I know just the guy!!

I Object!

I have lived long enough on this planet to know that having a positive attitude is the most productive and happy way to live. Perceiving the glass as half full makes all the difference in the world. Instead of devoting all of your energy bemoaning what you don’t have rather than being grateful for what you do have has served me quite well during my 61 years. However, every once in a while, it can be therapeutic to howl at the moon, to vent one’s spleen at life’s injustices, to allow yourself permission...briefly...to succumb to an airing of grievances. What follows is my current list of objections. They are in no particular order. I offer them randomly, as they come to mind.

1. Preachers Who Flaunt Their Wealth.

Recently, a friend of mine sent me a link to a story about which he wanted my opinion. It was about some Instagram channel called PreachersNSneakers, and it featured several mega-church pastors who were going about bragging about their expensive kicks...

       

I have written about prosperity gospel preachers before and my disdain for them is well known. But, there was something especially grievous about this sneaker business. While I can find nothing virtuous about poverty, and nothing necessarily evil about wealth and success, seeing alleged ministers of the Gospel wearing $5000 sneakers and bragging about it strikes me as about as close to heresy as it is possible to get. The fact that there exists in this world a pair of tennis shoes that someone would be willing to pay five grand for is horrible enough...but that the purchaser in question would be a guy who professes to be devoted to matters of the soul is the sort of thing  that makes me want to scream. These two preachers above...neither of whom I have ever heard of...probably drove their Bentleys passed at least a hundred homeless people on the way to pick up their shoes. I object.

2. The Design Flaw of Spring

I love Spring. After a long and dreary winter full of snow, ice and freezing temperatures, the warmth arrives, and with it the joyful chirping of birds, the dazzling color of a million flowers and a spectacular array of greenery. Driving home from Nashville on a gorgeous day was a treat. The glory of Spring was on full display all around us. As soon as we got home and I had a chance to cut the grass, it occurred to me that last night would have been a perfect night to eat our dinner out on the deck. Except...that would be impossible...unless we wanted our food served with a coating of thick yellow pollen. Additionally, our plates would have needed to be fitted with little plate umbrellas to protect the food from the downpour of oak tree strings which were falling all around us like some sort of Old Testament plague. 

In my opinion, this is the design flaw of Spring. The most delightful temperatures of the year are accompanied by rampant flower and fauna copulation, which, like all public displays of affection, makes everyone exposed to it sick! I strenuously object.

3. .500 Baseball Teams

Mediocrity has always annoyed me. There is nothing quite so tiresome than being in the middle of the pack. Sure, no one wants to finish last, but sometimes being really bad at something can be endearing...the1962 Mets come to mind. We even have a name for really, really bad teams...loveable losers. Nobody comes up with cute nicknames for mediocre teams. Even our Lord and Savior agreed...”You are neither hot nor cold, therefore I will spew you out of my mouth” Having said this, I offer the current rendition of the Washington Nationals. Through the first month of the season they are 11-11. They are in the unique position of not being able to serve as either a good or bad example...of anything. Either suck, or be great. But with that roster, mediocrity is an insult. I object.

4. Mail Fraud

So, yesterday I got my giving statement from my church in the mail for the 1st quarter of 2019 with a form letter asking me to consider systematic giving through me checking account, via auto-withdrawls. Apparently, my church has been having difficulty with checks being lost or fraudulently cashed. When I checked my giving statement I noticed that my February contribution was missing. I looked at my bank statement and saw that it was cashed, so I emailed the lady who’s name was at the bottom of my letter. She informed me that the church had been the victim of mail fraud. If I obtained a copy of the cashed check from my bank I needed to check the back of the check to see if the Hope Church stamp was there. If not, there was a procedure I would need to go through, an affidavit to sign..etc. etc. Are you kidding me?? What kind of dirtbag comes up with a scheme to fraudulently cash checks made out to churches? How does this even work? I will be calling someone at church today to find out the details, but honestly...is this the worst thing ever? I angrily object.

Well ok...there you have it. The first four objections that come to mind today. Now that I have shared them with all of you, I feel much better. Now, I can go back to being positive and grateful for all of the bountiful gifts of life.

Nashville

Four days in Nashville managed to shut down The Tempest. 1350 miles later, I am ready to reintroduce myself to my profession, but grateful for the chance we had to visit with our son and daughter in law. Just a few weeks ago, we spent 36 hours with our daughter in Myrtle Beach. When your children live in far off places, this is what you are forced to settle for. Of course, it could be much worse. They could live in Sri Lanka.

Here are some cool pictures from our trip:

The Nashville Sounds baseball team (Triple A affiliate of the Texas Rangers), play their games in a beautiful ballpark which features a giant guitar shaped scoreboard. Instead of Racing Presidents, they feature Racing Country Music Stars. This picture shows from left to right...Dolly Parton, Reba McEntire, and Johnny Cash. The fourth place Star had a bad night and was so far behind he didn’t even make it into the picture...poor George Jones!

Patrick’s church is West End United Methodist. It is a beautiful structure with glorious stained glass windows and a thunderous pipe organ. The place was packed to the gills and when the organist employed the deep bass pedals on Christ the Lord is Risen Today, I half expected our Lord and Savior himself to appear before us for the organ solo. Amazing.

Sarah managed to whip up this amazing spiral-wrapped ham, encrusted with a heavenly mixture of pecans, orange zest and brown sugar, and other stuff that’s bad for you. It was fabulous. 

Not to be outdone, Patrick made this loaf of bread from scratch. Yes, it was as delicious as it looks. When Sarah then presented a small bowl filled with her butter...which she had whipped up homemade from scratch...the thought came to me that the kids are gonna be alright.

Here’s Pam, completely dominating her first encounter with a virtual reality video game. Hilarious.

Jackson, My Grandpup

Practically every morning when I open Facebook, I am treated to pictures of my friend’s grandchildren. I love everyone of them. They make me think of how incredible it will be someday when I have grandchildren of my own. When I do, many of you will eventual de-friend me because of all the pictures that I will be posting!! However, even though that day has not yet arrived, that doesn’t mean that I have nothing to share. After all, I do have a...grandpup.

This is Jackson, and his brand new stuffed elephant friend. He is very excited about this new friend and couldn’t wait to show the family. Jackson knows us as Lolly and Pops, and whenever those names are spoken, he gets very excited and walks towards the door expecting us to walk in. He is especially fond of Lolly, but does seem to prefer Pop’s ear scratches. He is a very good boy. Unfortunately both Jackson and Lucy share one dubious characteristic...exceedingly low intelligence. Whereas, our beloved Molly was the Einstein of dogs, with a better vocabulary than the current occupant of the White House, Lucy and Jackson are more like that sweet, kind hearted, slow kid who reached his mental apex in 5th grade. And while our Lucy is the most gracefully athletic dog we have ever had, Jackson is about as athletic as a tree. Watching him run is quite hilarious, all four paws flailing around at discordant angles, inefficiently pounding the ground like a jackhammer with a faulty hydraulic. While Lucy is like a speedy wide receiver, Jackson is more like a flat footed offensive lineman who rides the bench because he never can remember the snap count.

But...Jackson is currently my only grandpup, so I love him to pieces. Whenever Kaitlin and Jon send me pictures of this lovable guy I stop whatever I’m doing and smile. Dogs always do that to me. They always remind me that is possible to find incorruptible things in this life.

Wow! Look What I Won!?

When I woke up yesterday morning I immediately consulted my handy dandy weather app. I was to be fielding a team in a charity golf tournament at noon and wanted to know how to dress for the event. Sunny with high temperatures in the upper 60’s, it boldly stated. I chose shorts and a short sleeve golf shirt and only at the last minute decided to bring a long sleeve pullover thing just in case the wind picked up. This last minute decision probably saved my life. In my forty plus years of playing the game of golf, I have never played in wind like we had yesterday...the kind of wind that had flagsticks bent nearly at 45 degree angles...the kind of wind that had hats and trash scattered all over the place. In other words...a normal day in Scotland.

As one would expect, the conditions played havoc with my game. I have the kind of golf game that requires nearly perfect weather conditions, the precise alignment of planets, and the proper convergence of karma and feng shui to flourish properly. Needless to say, yesterday, my feng shui had left the building. Essentially, my team only had three functioning players, and luckily for me, I chose wisely. Mike, Scott and Renee were all on top of their games, and the 62 we shot was good for a tie for fourth place out of 22 teams.

Then, it was time for that hardy perennial of charity golf...the raffle. I had purchased two tickets and was unduly hopeful, considering my miserable golfing performance. But, perhaps since I was so unlucky at golf, I would strike raffle gold. Sure enough, my number was called, but in all the chatter and clanging of a hundred wind-crazed golfers, I didn’t hear what it was that I had won. I had my eye on that shiny new Titleist driver, and that set of Ping irons. I bounded to the front with great expectations, only to discover that I had won this...

Imagine how ecstatic I was to discover that I had won...a pair...of really high tech hearing aids...or maybe two nasal probes...or perhaps a couple of remote controlled quarter notes? No, soon I was informed that I was the proud owner of AirPods. As soon as I got home I presented them to my wife as an early birthday present, since there isn’t a way in hell I was ever going to be caught dead with these things dangling from my ears. She was thrilled and informed me that these things are quite expensive and currently all the rage.

Oooo-k.

Day of Reckoning

April 15th has always been my Day of Reckoning. When you run a business that produces uneven and unpredictable results, paying taxes is very much a hope so proposition, as in...I sure hope I paid enough this year. I almost always fail to pay enough estimated taxes during the year, so my tax return comes with a terse cover letter from my accountant informing me of the shortfall. However, over the past few years I have gotten better with my estimating, and have even enjoyed a couple of small refunds. It is a glorious feeling to be told that you have paid the IRS too much money. It’s like reaching into your newly dry cleaned pants pocket and finding a crisp $20 bill. 

Tiger Woods won his 5th Masters yesterday and this morning nearly everyone is over the moon about it, calling it the best comeback in the history of sports. Of course I watched it. I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. It’s the Masters...for a golfer, must see TV. Although Tiger Woods is great for golf in that nobody cares about the sport unless he’s in contention, and Tiger Woods is the best golfer I’ve ever seen, I wanted someone else to win...anyone else. I just can’t for the life of me bring myself to like the guy. Before all of his marital and drug issues I didn’t like him. After all of that I liked him even less. I like a redemption story as much as anyone else, but in Tiger’s case, he probably doesn’t think he’s ever done anything that he needed to be redeemed from, so...sorry, no warm fuzzies here.

I worked at Hope Thrift this past Saturday and as my reward I was allowed to pick out any book to take home. I ran across this one...

I didn’t even think this thing was still in print. I’m only a few chapters in and I am spellbound by the thing. Getting inside the heads of Nazi war criminals is a bizarre journey into delusion, blame shifting and outright denial. Fascinating.

Off to play in a charity golf tournament today while my big sister goes into the hospital for an outpatient procedure. I don’t like it when my big sister goes into the hospital for an outpatient procedure. She is one of the very few indispensable people in the world, and although this procedure isn’t life threatening, I still don’t like the idea of my big sister going into the hospital for an outpatient procedure. And, thats all I have to say about it...don’t like it one bit.

What a World We Live In...

So, this blog is about nature, more specifically, the nature that has been distracting me over the past couple of days. 

First of all, most of the time I am oblivious to nature. I am just too busy and distracted to notice the natural world. But lately that has started to change. Maybe as I’ve gotten older beauty has more power to get my attention than it used to. For example, there’s a private road right across the street from my office that I see literally every single day as I am waiting to make a left turn onto Cox Road. But a couple of days ago, I looked up and saw this...

Out of nowhere, a bank of lilacs had burst onto the scene. Where had THAT come from, I thought. Then, the weirdest thing happened. I found myself turning right and driving over to the private road, pulling the car over and turning on my emergency flashers. I got out of the car and took this picture, then walked over to the curb and took a deep breath...the aroma was glorious. Then, suddenly, I realized how silly it must have looked to see a grown man smelling lilacs in the middle of Short Pump. It occurred to me that this was the sort of thing I never would have done when I was a younger man. Never.

Then, yesterday, I had another encounter with Mother Nature, and this time she was playing the role of deranged and vengeful mother in law. I had been stuck in the office for several hours. When I walked out to the parking lot to go to lunch, the pick up truck that was parked two cars down from me looked like this...

Seriously, Mother Nature? What the heck??

Finally, this morning at roughly 6:15, I head out the front door for Lucy’s morning perambulation. While she is sniffing a snout full of pollen I notice what sounded like a symphony of bird songs. There must have been a hundred different birds all belting out their favorite tunes at the exact same time. It was deafening...and beautiful. I stopped to listen. Even Lucy seems to notice. She stopped for a moment too. It was magical.

What a world we live in...