Pending Yard Sale Panic

If you are a regular reader of The Tempest you will be familiar with the biennial Dunnevant family..(cue the suspenseful music)...YARD SALE. I have written about it many times, most notably,  here...https://doug-thetempest.blogspot.com/2015/06/enduring-my-biennial-beat-down.html. And here...https://doug-thetempest.blogspot.com/2016/11/dunnevant-family-yardsale-116-fall-2016.html. Well, once again, the dreadful thing has reared its ugly head. E-mails are flying around featuring raging debates on everything from the proper price point for children’s clothing to how many tables we need and who is bringing them and when the heck we are supposed to show up both Thursday and Friday evening for the crucial pre-sale table prep. This year, if e-mail trash talk can be believed, there will be a new feature adorning the sales desk...a Square App on my wife’s iPad!!...a huge update from that worn out abacus we’ve been using. Of course, we still employ a cash box and strictly enforce our No checks, No credit, No dang way policy.

This week was supposed to be the week that my wife was going to clean out the attic and haul down all of the candidates we would offer for sale. But, each day when I come home from work, the pile doesn’t seem very large, and my wife doesn’t seem too concerned about it either. She seems strangely calm, sedated even. There has been no fevered activity, no agiated mumbling, not even one word of profanity. Moreover, despite the looming deadline, there hasn’t been the slightest trace of panic in her eyes. This has been a disturbing development. When she acts this way...calm, serene, and unhurried on yard sale week, I start to worry. What is going on? What possible explanation could there possibly be for the complete absence of drama?

1. Is my wife using illegal narcotics?

2. Is she gravely ill?

3. Has the thick pollen coalesced in her brain causing it to short circuit, dramatically altering her personality?

A more likely explanation is that, having just finished packing up her room at school, combined with being on the road to Nashville and back last weekend, she has simply been unable to rouse herself to action due to mental and physical exhaustion. Sometime either this afternoon or tomorrow, it’s going to hit her. Who knows what might trigger it? She might glance at the calendar, or she might stumble upon some worthless piece of junk in one of the kids rooms and it will hit her...Dear God in heaven...THE FREAKING YARD SALE IS TOMORROW!!!! AGRGGHHHHH!!!!

When it happens, I want to make sure I’m home and ready. She’s gonna need some muscle...some dumb, cheap labor to do her bidding. I know just the guy!!