I should probably warn the reader that what follows might be more of an essay than a blog post. This subject has been living rent free in my mind for quite some time now but I have never attempted to organize my thoughts into something coherent. The reader will have to decide whether or not I have succeeded.
If you spend any time scrolling through forums like Instagram, Facebook or any number of hugely popular podcasts you will encounter many loud voices selling one thing or another. Some of the most popular voices come from a corner of the web that has been dubbed the manoshere. These guys are usually jacked, loud, often quite funny, and always confident that they know exactly what a real man is. In their view civilization wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for “toxic masculinity”. All of western civilization’s problems are caused by the feminization of society, the wussification of our businesses, our government and our institutions—especially the church.
I don’t spend too much time listening to Joe Rogan or any of the thousand others. About five minutes is enough to get the gist of their argument and like all wildly popular opinions out there in the world there is a grain of truth to be found. When I hear the hysterical voices of some feminists out there declaring that society doesn’t need men anymore I roll my eyes and try to imagine a regiment of women storming the beaches of Normandy, building the Golden Gate Bridge or replacing my roof when its 100 degrees outside. Before you scold me for being misogynistic—Yes, I am aware that there might be individual women capable of all of these things—but generally it has been the male of our species which has shouldered the responsibilities of the most physically demanding and dangerous jobs throughout all of human history.
But aside from that silliness, much of what I hear from these alleged alpha males sounds off to me, or at the very least incomplete. Too often their masculinity seems heavy on brutishness, rudeness and aggression.
All of which has gotten me thinking a lot about what it is to be a man. If I’m not comfortable with how manhood is portrayed in these spaces, what is my alternative definition? Good question, and one I’m not totally sure I have all the answers to. I’m a flawed example, for one thing. But that hasn’t stopped me from thinking. To facilitate this discussion I will explore two men who could not be more different.
When I was a boy I had my own father as an example. In this it could easily be said that I won the lottery. He was in many ways the best man I’ve ever known. But honestly, my Dad was long on leading by example and short on communication, much like most men of his generation, so he will not be one of the two men I will examine. From my early years the man I looked up to and admired the most wasn’t even real. It was this guy…
We didn’t get our first television until I was 5 or 6, I’m told. But one of my first memories was this towering yet quiet character—Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry, North Carolina, single father of Opie, nephew of Aunt Bea and boss of Barney Fife, and the chief law enforcement officer of this early 1960’s town who never carried a gun. Luckily, Mayberry was not a hotbed of crime, violent or otherwise, but it had its share of conmen, hucksters and the occasional escaped convict, all of whom Andy was able to dispatch with a combination of his wisdom, intuition and the power of his presence and his unfailing character. Seldom did Sheriff Taylor escalate a situation. He nearly always was the master of deescalation. One scene still stands out in my mind. A charming drifter, played by Buddy Epson came through town and struck up a friendship with Opie who was mesmerized by his lifestyle with its romantic freedom and his willingness to “bend the law” on occasion, like stealing a chicken from a local farmer so the two of them could have a fine meal after an afternoon of fishing. Andy became alarmed at the influence the drifter was having on his son with his libertine obscuring of the line between right and wrong. So, Andy pays him a visit. The charming drifter says in effect, “Maybe your boy would chose my way of living if you let him decide for himself.” Andy looks at him and says words to this effect—“That’s not how it works. You can’t let a kid ‘decide for himself’ because he’s liable to choose the first shiny thing that comes along. By the time he finds out that its got a hook in it, its too late.” Andy the protector.
The first thing I think is required of us as men is the duty to protect. In Andy’s case it was protecting his young and inexperienced son against a false vision of life where rules are always for someone else. But Sheriff Taylor also brought his protection duties to his community. Even though he never carried a gun he had the power of a clear vision of right and wrong and an unwavering commitment to justice. More often than not it was this vision, rather than might which brought about justice.
In the formative years of our development as a species it was the “strong man” around which communities were organized. Might makes right. The most powerful alpha male got whatever he wanted in exchange for his protection of the village against other strong men. But the arc of history has curved towards the value and dignity of every man and woman, not just the most powerful. The Enlightenment and the rise of ideas like the universal rights of man elevated all humanity. Now our laws and culture generally agree that there are those among us that require protection. In this regard the teachings of Jesus represent a radical departure from the old way with his elevation of and benevolence towards the “poor, the widow and the orphan.” It seems to me then that one of the responsibilities of men, especially men of wealth and influence is to be one of the primary protectors of the weak among us. I hear very little of this responsibility in the manosphere.
When I was a teenager there was a movie that came out that was a huge hit among teenage boys. It was called Billy Jack and it was filled with terrible dialogue and atrocious acting but the title character was a goofy looking half breed Indian who always showed up to defend the defenseless, first a group of wild stallions rounded up to be slaughtered for dog food and then a runaway girl. Each time he employed his Vietnam war Green Beret trained fighting skills to dispatch the bad guys we teenage boys cheered him on. But as I watched that movie at the Westhampton theatre I was struck by how reluctant Billy Jack was to use his lethal skill. He tried everything to avoid a fight, giving his victims lots of opportunities to back off before he lowered the boom. For me there was something admirable about his restraint. It was like he knew that if he was forced to use his lethal skills it represented a failure of some kind, a failure to work things out, to make reasonable accommodations, to compromise. With great privilege comes great responsibility. For me a real man is one who keeps a sharp eye out for the “least of these”, ready and willing to protect them from anyone who would do them harm.
The second person I would like to discuss is Elon Musk, perhaps the most polarizing figure in the entire world. On the one hand there can be no denying the fact of his genius. From electric cars to his Space X innovations, the man has been an entrepreneurial powerhouse unlike anyone else in history. He will shortly be worth an astounding 1 Trillion dollars. In some spaces Musk is revered as an icon. In other places he is reviled as a symbol of everything that is wrong with capitalism and the influence and worship of money and success. Some are appalled that one person could allow himself to amass so obscene an amount of personal wealth. Others are mesmerized by the very same accomplishment and suggest it as evidence of his superior intellect and audacity, even to the point of holding him up as an example for others to follow.
But what about Elon Musk as an…example for young men? I happen to hold the view that someone can admire the creativity and innovative genius of his mind while at the same time believing him to be perhaps the worst possible example of manhood to come along since…since, I don’t know since the Marquis de Sade!
As of this writing despite being only 54 years of age, Elon Musk has fathered 14 children that he admits to although accounts vary. He has been married either four or five times and now lives some kind of polyamorous existence with several women—one of whom is in the process of suing him for full custody of their child. He is also by all accounts a drug addict, a regular user of ketamine, LSD, cocaine and God knows what else. In most of the over 4000 years of recorded history, this sort of behavior would normally have been a harsh indictment, something which would have disqualified him as a respected member of society. In today’s more lenient environment most of those holding him up as someone to be emulated have chosen to ignore his private life. Not me. I have never been able to seperate anyone’s private character from their public performance when they are in a position of great power and influence. If my neighbor wants to have a harem that’s his business. But if a president or the wealthiest and most powerful private citizen perhaps of all time turns out to be morally bankrupt, that’s a deal breaker for me.
What of Mr. Musk’s duty to protect? How has he used his nearly incalculable wealth to protect the most vulnerable? His favorite charity is his own foundation, to which he makes quite large gifts of stock, which then invests the money in tech innovation projects which benefit…his companies. Yes, he has donated money and know-how through his Starlink enterprise to bring internet access to rural communities. But when a man is worth a trillion dollars, his total charitable giving amounts to a rounding error on his balance sheet. Of course, he is under no legal obligation to donate a dime of his wealth. None of us are. But we all have a moral obligation to do what we can to look after those who are less fortunate. It is a tenant of the Christian faith but also an accepted obligation of the non-religious as well. The duty to protect never leaves us. As men it is one of our highest callings.
Try to imagine a meeting between Elon Musk and Andy Taylor. Neither of them would have a clue of what to make of the other. But if I was going to pattern my life after one of them it would be an easy choice.
So, I suppose that what I have come up with is two defining characteristics each and every man should possess Every man needs to be a protector and someone who deescalates by the power of his presence and the honor of his character.
Maybe you can think of better qualities than these. Perhaps you disagree entirely with my conclusions, and that’s ok. But I believe that this topic is important enough to think hard about. We all can do better. Men must do better.
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