Pam’s Birthday

Today is this woman’s birthday. She has been by my side for the best part of 40 years now. It is always difficult to describe her to anyone who hasn’t had the opportunity to meet her. “Are you married?” a stranger will ask. “Tell me about her”

I start with the usual compliments about her beauty, grace and intelligence. I sprinkle in a few antidotes about her legendary talents of organization, hospitality and computer skills. But eventually it occurs to me that the best way to describe Pam Dunnevant is to list the things that she hates, the relatively short list of people and things that annoy her. After all, you can tell an awful lot about someone by knowing who their enemies are. So, here goes…

1. Heat and Humidity

Nothing in all of God’s creation bothers my wife more than sweat. Heat and humidity can transform her from literally the most agreeable woman of all time to a raving lunatic in mere minutes. Anyone who enters our house has no doubt noticed the brisk temperature which she insists upon during all four seasons. Early in our marriage this was a battle line between us, but she prevailed over three decades ago. Now, when I walk into my office at work I crank down the thermostat by force of habit, much to the squealing complaints of everyone else in the building. Pam, after all, is a Maine girl who never signed a peace agreement with heat and humidity when she moved to Virginia all those years ago. She has fought a pitched battle with it for most of her life, especially each morning when she is fixing her hair. And while she truly loathes H & H in Virginia, the level of hostility ratchets up to dizzying heights when it visits her in Maine. 

2. Making a Grocery List

I’m not sure its fair to say they she hates this. Its more accurate to say that she finds it extremely annoying. Pam is not the ind of person to just…go the grocery store. She is a planner. Each trip to the store must have an agenda, a plan. This means she must first plan the meals for the week, a time consuming process for a detail oriented woman like my wife. But, she employs an impressive list of tools to manage the process including a gadget on her cell phone that organizes her list to coincide with the floor layout at Publix. Yeah, I know. This is next level stuff. She is constantly asking me, “Is there anything you need at the grocery store?” My answer is always some form of, “not that I can think of,” which is a constant source of annoyance for her. She often reminds me to add things I need to the digital grocery list by telling Alexa. There are certain words you have to say for it to work and I always seem to foul it up so I make her system a spotty enterprise.

3. Making Decisions

Pam married someone who is highly intuitive. I have always been a very decisive person. I make decisions based only partly on the facts. The most forceful driver for me has always been something hard to quantify…my gut feeling. For Pam, there is no such thing as a gut feeling. Gut feelings are things for which one purchases antacids. Her mind is an analytic marvel of spreadsheets and Google-Doc imaginings that produce mountains of data, so much in fact that she becomes paralyzed, or paralysis by analysis. On the plus side, this woman has never gone off anywhere half cocked.

4. Rude People

I hesitate to use the word “people” here since my wife loves practically everyone. Perhaps I should have said, rudeness. Pam is someone who was raised by her parents to have manners. I’m aware that this particular term has fallen out of favor of late, but it very much defines Pam. So when she observes rudeness in others it infuriates her. I know what you’re thinking, “Wait Doug, you’re not exactly what anyone would describe as polite. What did she see in you??” Excellent point. Some of the words that have come out of my mouth over the years have caused her much wincing and gnashing of teeth. So, if you think I can be a bit rude at times, imagine how terrible I would be if I had married someone else! This rudeness thing is one of the reasons for her intense dislike of…

5. Donald Trump

Pam is the most un-political person I know. She just isn’t in to liberal vs. conservative, democrat vs. republican. It mostly bores her so she largely ignores the political world. EXCEPT when it comes to DT. His personality of rudeness, arrogance and meanness drives her insane. She can hardly bear to hear his voice or watch his image on television. For Pam it has far less to do with the man’s politics (which are troublesome enough), and far more to do with his demeanor and comportment. No manners. No empathy for anyone other than himself. No class.

So, thats about all I can think of. For all of you who know her you will understand me when I say that she is the most beautiful, kind, respectful, loving, gracious, hospitable and long suffering person I have ever known. On this day we will celebrate her by doing whatever she wants to do. Knowing her she won’t be able to decide so she’ll just say, “lets just do what you all want to do!!” But as long as none of us are rude and don’t bring Donald Trump up in conversation it will be a wonderful day!