Losing My Man Card

Ok, I think all of this social isolation is finally getting to me. Last night I made a charcuterie board. I choose not to offer photographic proof of this fact to preserve what is left of my dignity, but I did prepare my first ever charcuterie board and thought it was worth mentioning, especially considering the fact that up until a year or so ago I had no idea what a charcuterie board was, let alone how to make one. Sure, I knew that anyone could throw a bunch of cheese and sausages on a platter and serve them, I just didn’t know it had such a fancy name...charcuterie board...sounds like a board game for old ladies.

Anyway, a couple summers ago in Maine, we started having charcuterie boards every afternoon on the dock down by the lake along with Maine-themed cocktails. Whenever my daughter-in-law Sarah was in charge, these things were like works of art. She would slice up three or four types of meat, Italian sausage, pepperoni, prosciutto, summer sausage. Then she would slice up all manner of delectable cheeses and fan them out like decorations on the tray. There would be Gouda, Brie, sharp cheddar, Gruyere, etc. I learned that the cheese was key to the whole enterprise. Cheese pairings, they all called. Then there are the crackers. We can’t forget the crackers. There are thin round water crackers, rectangular focaccia crackers and the more pedestrian wheat thins. Then, to make the feast look healthier, there were grapes and sliced apples sprinkled here and there. Off to the far corner of the board there would be a small bowl full of a positively dreadful jellied concoction, the best I could tell it was some sort of soft cheese wrapped in a weird jelly/nut glaze. No thanks! On the opposite end of the board there was another small bowl of humus into which one could dip a small selection of sliced raw vegetables. 

This treat was not meant to be an actual meal, rather an afternoon snack to tide us over until dinner. But when its just the two of us here on a Sunday night with football on the television, it will do quite nicely as a meal. So there I was last night fanning the cheese around in a circle surrounding the two types of meat piled in the center of the board. I put the gross jelly thing in a side dish in the corner just like Sarah does. I even placed a couple bunches of grapes atop the pile for appearances. The board I used was a gift given to us by my nephew for Christmas—word having gotten around that the Dunnevant clan is now thoroughly addicted to this sort of thing.

And yes, it is monogrammed. 

Now that I have shared this confession It occurs to me that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. What is more manly than chunks of meat and cheese that you are encouraged to eat with your fingers? Sure, the way Pam and Sarah put these things together makes them look like oil paintings, still life’s that you’re afraid to touch. But at the end of the day, its just sausage and cheese, the two finest taste combinations in all of Christendom. We just need to come up with a better name than charcuterie board.