Trump vs Biden

I’m old enough to have seen the great Muhammad Ali fight. He was perhaps the greatest athlete I ever saw, and many of his fights were not only legendary but had legendary names as well. Who could forget The Thrilla In Manila, or The Rumble In The Jungle? Well, there’s a new champ in town, and there’s a new super fight brewing, begging for a legendary name of its own.

This past week, the American people were treated to perhaps the most dignified verbal exchange between two heavyweight politicians since the Lincoln Douglas debates. In one corner stood the former Vice President, in the other Donald Trump, current President of the United States. Joe Biden landed the first blow with the claim that if he had attended the same high school as Trump, he would have beaten him to a pulp, likening him to the “ugliest, fattest kid in the room,” proudly carrying the banner of bullying, fat-shaming, and declaring himself a cool kid. Clearly stunned by this sharp jab, the President landed a deft combination, accusing the balding Biden of being not only physically weak but promising that he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way.” And, this was just the first round! All this fight needs is a good name, one that would immortalize it for future generations. Let’s see now...

The Throwdown in Georgetown?

The Romp in the Swamp?

Going Ballistic in the District?

The Battle in the Capital?

Old Farts Throwing Darts?

Actually, with a little thought and some good old American showmanship, some aspiring entrepreneur could make a fortune here. Listen, worse things can happen than Trump and Biden beating each other up on live television for all the world to see, right? I mean, it’s not like we haven’t already beclowned ourselves as a nation anyway. Why not jump the shark and be done with it? We could have, like, tag team refs for the fight, alternating between Mitch McConnel and Chuck Schumer. Then, you know how they always have scantily clad women who come out between rounds carrying a sign with the round number on it? We could have Nancy Pelosi do that...fully and discreetly clad, announcing to the world that we Americans have evolved past the sexual objectification of women. Ring side seats could be sold via a lottery system, after setting aside the best seats for former Presidents, to insure full inclusion of all ethnic and cultural minorities for the crowd pan shots. This way, the world would see what a vast melting pot we truly are. When the rest of the world tuned in to this most highly rated television event in history, they would all say...”Wow!! Two seventy-something American politicians are actually fighting each other in a boxing ring...but look at how multi-ethnic that crowd is?! America...what a shining city on a hill!”

The ironic thing about this exchange between Biden and Trump this week has been the fact that I wasn’t even appalled by any of it. It no longer even had the power to embarrass me. My expectations for the professional deportment of politicians in Washington have been so obliterated, so inexorably lowered by the current occupant of the White House, that the spectacle of two grown men acting like a couple of pimple-faced middle schoolers on the playground during recess didn’t even phase me. This....is what we have become now.