Earlier this week, the Pope sent shock waves through the spiritual world by declaring that hell doesn’t actually exist. Although the theological ramifications of such a declaration are profound enough, the impact on the English language will be equally severe. With one sentence in one interview in one Italian newspaper, the Pope has managed to render meaningless a thousand colorful phrases that make up the respectable corner of communication known as soft profanity. If hell, in fact, does not exist, then the following expressions are rendered meaningless, and we are poorer for it!
1. Hell bent for leather.
Granted, in the best of times I’ve never quite understood this one, but now that hell isnt a thing it makes even less sense.
2. Catching hell.
Since it’s impossible to catch something from nothing, this one has to go.
3. Going to hell in a handbasket.
Another strange formulation which will be put out of its misery by the Pontiff.
4. Until hell freezes over.
Not gonna happen. Ever.
5. Come hell or high water.
I’d bet on the high water.
6. A snowball’s chance in hell.
Again...my money is on the snowball.
7. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
While it has always been difficult to describe the intensity of a wronged woman’s vindictiveness, with this latest papal decree, one of the best descriptions ever cobbled together in the English language has lost its effectiveness. Back to the drawing board.
8. All hell breaks lose.
Not any more.
9. Raising hell.
Impossible.
10. There will be hell to pay.
No. There will not. Thanks to the Pope, we all have one less creditor to worry about.
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