An Entrepreneurial Failure

As many of you know, exactly a year ago I monetized The Tempest by allowing Google to place ads on my blog. Consequently, I was cajoled by Google Adsense to allow them to run analytics on my first year to determine "strengths and weaknesses" of the advertisement program. Result? The Tempest sucks as a money maker!

To explain just how awful it is will require a combination of literary precision and the ability to explain mathematics, so I'm sorta doomed. But nevertheless, let's plow through this, shall we? Trust me, it's hysterical.

Ok, so in 2016, The Tempest was blessed with right at 60,000 pageviews, in other words 60,000 times somebody saw one of my blog posts and thought, "Hmmm...that sounds interesting," dropped what they were doing and read the post. Cool. Exactly 180 times someone felt so moved to actually click on one of the advertisements running down the side of the post. That means that my click rate is a staggeringly abysmal 333:1. Apparently, that rate is breaking new ground for futility, so bad that even as we speak teams of cyber-analysts are combing over these numbers in amazement seaking to discover the cause of such ineptitude. I'm like two floors beneath mediocre. I've got to aspire to pathetic! To illustrate how stunningly inept the Tempest has been as a profit generator, consider this factoid. The numbers say that I have roughly 180 hardcore readers, that is, those who read practically everything that I post. If these 180 people clicked on one ad per month, my click rate would be 26:1.

There are several explanations for this. First, the ads are terribly unconvincing, unimaginative and boring. Second, my readers are so sophisticated they have evolved past crass materialism. Third, my writing is so captivating, readers simply can't divert their eyes, even for an instant, to glance at mere advertisements. I'm going with number three!

Moving on to more interesting topics. . .it appears that the enfant terrible of meteorology has won the day with his snow forecast. This morning brings predictions of 4-8 inches of the white stuff from most of the TV weather people. DT will no doubt now have a field day with his vitriol-filled I told you so rants. My favorite one from last night was his post that some meteorologist from Norfolk should "be arrested for impersonating a moron." Great stuff!

About that horrible video from Chicago showing four black teenagers abusing a disabled white guy. I didn't watch it. Neither should you. What possible reason would anyone have for watching such a thing? What purpose does it serve? Doesn't reading the story make you sad and furious enough? I get it...people can be cruel and barbaric. But, I'm done with wallowing in human depravity by giving it an audience. Enough already!

Weather Wars

The first snow of the winter is in the forecast here in beautiful downtown Short Pump. I know this because word of it has spread like wildfire on my Facebook feed. It's the lead item on the local news, and local weather badboy Dave Tolleris (DT) has started up his shtick again, calling all of the TV weather folks morons and idiots for disagreeing with him. It's all great fun and a source of fine entertainment all through the winter here. It's works like this. . .

DT alerts his faithful followers of a potential blizzard brewing up in Canada someplace. He warns that although it's early, this one might be off the charts. He warns that it's still two weeks away but not to worry, he's keeping a sharp eye out and all of the TV people aren't saying anything about it because they are either A. idiots or B. gutless weasels. A week out his warnings become even more unhinged and shrill. "We might be looking at 20 inches here people!!" By this time, poor old Andrew Freiden over at WWBT is forced to talk about what looks like a chance at 2-3 inches of snow a week or so away but adds that there are a lot of factors that might diminish the accumulation numbers so he wouldn't lose any sleep over it just yet. DT immediately goes on the attack. Freiden is a hack, even worse, an incompetent hack. Hell, he can't even get hackery right!!

Then suddenly, 48 hours out, a confluence of upper level winds, El Niño, solar storms, and that handiest of all excuses, global warming all mysteriously combine in ways that no one could possibly have predicted to shockingly reduce the forecasted nor'easter to anywhere from a dusting to 2-3 inches. Andrew Freiden always refuses to gloat or even make mention of his deranged freelance tormentor. Meanwhile, DT fans rush to his defense, claiming that even though he missed this one, at least he, like, works hard and stuff. It's must-see internet!! If DT didn't exist, the local weather people would have had to invent him. He makes them look so reasonable and professional by contrast.

So, the Dunnevant house is bracing for what might be. . .nothing or 5-7 inches of snow Friday night into Saturday morning. Actually I hope DT is right on this one. That will just encourage him to go nuts for the rest of the winter. I'm getting the popcorn ready!

...Up The Country

Something weird has been going on with me lately, well, I mean, more than the usual garden variety weirdness that I deal with on a daily basis. Suddenly, it seems, I have become obsessed with the goings on of my cousins who live up the country. These are all people who were a big part of my life . . . when I was ten, but since then not so much. Like all large families, ours spread out and drifted apart so I lost touch with most of them for the longest time. But then three things happened. My parents both passed away,  I went to a family reunion, and. . . Facebook.

When you lose your parents you become more introspective, I suppose. You begin to think about your past, where you came from. Both of mine came from Buckingham County, Virginia. When I was a kid I spent lots of time there and it was a wonderful experience. In my memory, my grand parents were giants. The farm was big and green and full of animals and open spaces. It was also a little scary what with it's oddly painted rooms and dim lighting. Little things stood out. There was always Dr. Pepper in the fridge. My grandmother seemed forever in the kitchen cooking something, wearing an apron and patting me on the head.

Then there were my cousins. There seemed to be a million of them. There was Bootsie, Bubby, Peggy and Joanne, Brenda, Donna and Bertha Sue, Derrick, Michael and Caroline. My Uncle Harry had a couple of boys too but I didn't see them much so I forget their names. One of them was Kent, maybe?  It was a large and impressive brood. For a five year old boy, they were all great fun to be around.

But as life progressed I lost touch with most of them. We moved to Richmond. They stayed up the country. There were family reunions and I went to a couple of them over the years, but reunions were for people like Mom and Dad who never seemed to tire of them. I tried to avoid them most years and honestly can't tell you why, I just did.

But, this past October there was another one and this time, I went. It was amazing. I wrote about it at the time so I won't go through it all again but suffice it to say that seeing them all sparked something in me. When I got back to Richmond, I friended many of them on Facebook so now I feel more connected to their lives. Second and even third cousins now routinely pop up in my newsfeed. I look at the things they care about and the things they are involved in and I feel very proud of them. It's as if when Mom and Dad passed, something in me has longed to find a new link to them. That link is the James River State Park where my mother's homeplace used to be.

Now, Peggy, Joanne and Bubby all have kids with kids of their own. I'm getting to know them on Facebook, which is weird, but better late than never.

Let's Get Started

For the second day in a row, I have taken Lucy out for her morning constitutional in a driving rainstorm. Thus begins 2017. I can either take this as a warning of the gloom to come, or as evidence of God's continually faithful provision. Or, I can reject both of these views and adopt the fatalistic preferences of my atheist friends and simply shrug my shoulders at the rain, realizing that it signifies nothing since we are all abandoned to our own devices on this planet trying to survive this meaningless existence. Nah....I'm going with God's provision.

So, today the new year begins in earnest. The banks are open, the stock markets will be buzzing. I will begin my 35th year in the investment business. That's two years longer than I've been married, seven years longer than my youngest child has been alive. It doesn't seem possible. When I got started, Ronald Reagan was in the White House, Pluto was still a planet, and my friend Al Thomason had the first mobile phone I had ever seen. It sat next to him on the front seat of his truck and was bigger than a bread box. Now, my phone slides neatly into my pants pocket, I can FaceTime my kids with it, and track the movements of all those stocks and bonds up in New York in real time. My wife has now trained our new Alexa device to pay her a compliment every morning. Progress doesn't suck.

But, despite all of the technological advancement, the rain still falls, the sun will still eventually shine, and when the grass grows, you still have to mow it. So, off to work I go. When that sun finally does come out, there will be nothing truly new under it. We may have cooler gadgets, but people are still people, full of incredible good and indescribable bad.

Let's all try to be good this year.

My To-do List

Once every seven years, Christmas and New Year's Day both fall on a Sunday. So, once every seven years, everyone's celebratory clock gets screwed with. Take today for example. Since New Year's Day  was yesterday, a Sunday, today. . .a Monday, everything is closed. Here I was all geeked to get my business year off to a rousing start and I realize that nobody's at work. The banks are closed, the mail doesn't run, the stock market is shut down, even my broker-dealer is closed. To make matters worse, it's pouring down rain and 40 degrees outside. And, to make matters even more worse, my wife just left for work. Apparently, the public schools have had quite enough of all of this time off. So, here I am alone in my house wondering what I will do with myself today. Actually, there are quite a few things competing for my attention...

1. I could take down all of the outside Christmas decorations. But, it's raining and 40 degrees. Not gonna happen.

2. I could give Lucy a bath. Chances of this happening are better than 50/50.

3. I could head over to American Family for a workout, but I would have to fight the resolution rabble, what with their brand new fluorescent spandex outfits, wristband gizmos, constantly checking their pulse rate every couple of minutes. The place will be a madhouse. No thanks.

4. I could spend a couple of hours trying to figure out why our new A.I. device, Alexa, is so much dumber than Siri. I mean seriously, this machine has to be taught everything. If you want her to do anything, or even know anything, you have to download a bunch of what they refer to as skills. Siri already came with skills! Alexa's favorite response to any question seems to be, "I don't understand the question you asked." She does play Jeopardy with you though, so that's pretty cool. Still, in a battle of wits, Siri would wipe the floor with her.

5. I could get on Facebook and troll all of my friends who are Redskins fans, but that would be a mean spirited way to start the year. The 2016 election season sort of sucked all of the mean-spiritedness out of me. I've got nothing left.

6. I could load my Amazon gift card into my iPad and start downloading some books. First on my list will be Hillbilly Elergy by JD Vance.

7. I could use this dreary day to go over to Golfsmith and get fitted for some new clubs.

8. I could see if there's a movie theatre anywhere still playing Hacksaw Ridge and go see it, since Pam would never agree to go with me.

9. I could turn my undivided attention to gutting, then rearranging our dreaded Tupperware cabinet. I bet I'm not the only who has one. You know what I'm talking about...that place where you store all of your rubber/plastic containers in the kitchen. You start out with everything neatly stacked in an organized fashion and within a week every time you open the doors to the thing stuff falls out. Pretty soon it is a crapshow of cups and lids haphazardly stacked together cattywampus style, mocking you. Of course, it never fails that the one you need is always on the top shelf at the very bottom of a tower of two quart casserole dishes and when you finally pry the thing loose, the lid is God knows where.

10. If I were a real man, I would do all of the above. I mean, I've got all day.

I'll get back with you all tonight to let you know how I did.

Paying Better Attention

Everywhere I look around me I see people positively thrilled that 2016 is now behind us. Everyone was so eager for it to be over. Whatever. I didn't think it was that bad, actually. I spent an entire month in Maine on a lake in a beautiful house. How bad could it have been? I made it through the year without any life threatening illnesses or debilitating financial loss. No dear friend or family member passed away. The Cubs finally won a World Series. Not bad as years go, I'd say.

Of course, there was an election. But, the day that an election result ruins my entire year is the day that I need to find some decent hobbies. As Shakespeare once said, "there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophies." or something like that. Substitute politics for philosophies in that line and you will be introduced to a much more rich and meaningful exsistence, I think. Speaking of which, what follows are a list of objectives for the coming year. Notice that I do not use that horrible word, resolutions, it being so larded over with the baggage of failure. No, objectives sounds much more confident and possible.

1. So far, there are two vacation trips on the calendar. There's the biannual Dunnevant/Roop/Schwartz family beach trip to the Outer Banks, and a three week trip to Quantabacook Lake in Maine. To this I want to add a third trip, something unusual and adventurous. Maybe one of those adventure vacations I keep hearing about. White water rafting, or mountain climbing, or swimming with dolphins maybe. Of course, I could opt for real adventure and stay in an airbnb in south side Chicago.

2. This year will be the year that Pam and I get plugged in at Hope church. We've been attending for several months, but at some point you've got to do something besides window shop. We need to get involved, plugged in. Thus will end a thirty year run at Grove Avenue Baptist. We will part as friends, owing each other nothing.

3. This will be the year that I will go on my first ever diet. 2016 added ten pounds to the scales that I cannot seem to shed with exercise alone. I guess my metabolism has finally changed and I can no longer eat six rolls at dinner without suffering the consequences.

4. I will attempt to break a bad habit I have recently fallen into of reading nothing but news and information journals. I used to have a voracious appetite for literature, novels, history etc. but have largely given it up for functional reading, the least rewarding kind. This year will mark a return to pleasure reading. My mental and intellectual health demands it.

5. A conspiracy of events over the past three years has seen me largely give up competitive golf. Two shoulder surgeries will do that. I have missed it. Golf is more than just a five hour walk, it's a five hour walk...with friends. Maybe it's time to retire my old clubs, which are older than my children, and a constant source of embarrassment to my buddies. Maybe I'll take a lesson to help me transition back into the game. I used to carry about a 14-15 handicap. Who knows what it would be now?

6. Above all else, I intend to pay better attention in 2017. It's so easy to drift through life on it's repetitive currents, so easy to miss the beauty that exists in the details. I need to pay better attention to my friends, all the better to notice when they need help. Paying better attention to my wife and kids would allow me the benefit of being able to detect problems before they grow too large and unmanageable, but also help me to appreciate their little triumphs, their ordinary goodness that is so easy to overlook. But, paying better attention to total strangers would be nice too. Are there people headed my way who will need me in 2017, people who I will encounter serendipitously along the way, who will blow right past me if I'm not careful? Maybe it's God's plan for me to meet them and be a blessing. I would hate to foil his plans by my selfish indifference.

Ok, that's about it. Not a grand list, but utterly achievable. I better get to it!

Let's talk about Christmas Loot

Here's what I got for Christmas:

1. Very weird, spider-like device  which holds my iPad at the perfect angle for reading, even and especially when I am enjoying my recliner. This present was purchased by my wife specifically to prevent me from hurting my neck since she is tired of hearing me whine and moan about it. So, this was a selfish gift. . .meant to make her life easier, not mine!

2. The only weakness in my palatial new library is the fact that my desk sits in the middle of the room and therefore I have no way to employ a lamp since to do so would require an electric chord running across the carpet to the plug in the wall, not only an aesthetic disaster, but a safety hazard. So, I got this beautifully sleek black lacquer battery operated lamp which responds to my touch with not one but three intensity levels of soft white light.

3. In keeping with the theme of my continually decrepit and declining body, this amazing massage machine from Brookstone is the perfect gift for any fifty something man in your life. Although it has been universally panned by both dogs in the house because of its jerky motions and low whining sound, I love the thing. I can choose not only intensity level but what type of massage I desire...tapping or shiatsu.

4. Every year I ask for a cool hat and every year I get nothin'. But this year, I got two!!

5. No Christmas would be complete without. . .toys. I prefer those that I can use to annoy the girls at work. This handy rubber band gun, (with ammo clip) and remote controlled rat will do nicely.


Remember, that Christmas isn't about stuff. And just because I got clearly cooler stuff than you did does not change that fact!