Now that we’re finally within a year of the 2012 Presidential election, I suppose it’s time for me to access the strengths and weaknesses of each candidate and give my opinion of their chances of success. Up until now I have silently( for the most part ) watched them give their stump speeches and I have read postmortems of the many debates that they’ve had, although I must confess to not having seen one single debate. It’s not that I don’t care, or that I’m a disengaged citizen, but 11 debates? Really?? Anyway, here we go:
Michelle Bachmann is the only female candidate. She is a Congresswoman from Minnesota and apparently is not related to the guy who started Bachmann, Turner Overdrive, the Canadian rock band in the 1970’s. Although early on in the campaign she was “takin’ care of business” and even spent a few weeks as the front runner with speeches that thrilled her enthusiastic crowds with the phrase, “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet”. But recently her campaign has run short of money and sufficient intelligence. I rate her chances of winning the nomination as roughly the same chance that Adam Sandler will win an Oscar for best actor.
John Huntsman was once the governor of Utah and after that was our Ambassador to China. He was given that job by the man he now wants to replace as President. He has perfect hair, a great tan, and very attractive daughters. He’s the only Republican candidate about whom liberal reporters and commentators ever have anything good to say. He’s a Mormon, I think, but nobody seems to mind because nobody thinks he’ll ever become President. From the debates he seems like one of those guys who thinks he’s hilarious but really isn’t. His chances of winning the nomination are about the same as Mel Gibson winning a lifetime achievement award from B’nai B’rith.
Herman Cain has never held elective office, has never held a position in government of any kind. But if his distractors are to be believed, he has held many of his female employees. Herman was chugging right along there for awhile on the strength of his business success, his sincere and forthright performance in the early debates and frankly because he had no political experience, and here was a black man who seemed to actually adore his country. But then the ladies began to speak out about his roving eye ways back in the day, and finally a woman came out who claimed a 13 year affair with this devout and loving husband and father. While this sort of thing is perfectly fine if you’re Jack Kennedy or Bill Clinton, America isn’t ready for a black president who can’t keep it in his pants. Cain’s chances of winning the nomination are somewhere between slim and none, and I believe none just left town.
Ron Paul has been running for President for what seems like the last 50 years, but dang it, this time he means it! He is a Congressman from Texas and has been since 1978 which I suppose qualifies him as a Career Politician, the very thing he rails against most convincingly on the stump. I must confess here that I love this guy. He is the only Libertarian in the race and of all the candidates, his positions on the issues are closest to my own. However, he’s also a tad cranky. His father was of German extraction and his mother was Irish, a strange and dangerous witch’s brew of DNA. ( Think, power-hungry drunk.) He and his wife have 5 children who were all baptized as Episcopalians, while oddly he was raised Lutheran, but later became a Baptist. ( Think, upper class redneck. ) If by some miracle he were to be elected President, he would take the oath at the ripe old age of 77, making Ronald Reagan look positively prepubescent by comparison. However, like Reagan, everyone will know what he believes and that he will have the fortitude to act on those beliefs if given the chance. I rate that chance at 100 to 1.
Rick Santorum is a former Senator from Pennsylvania. He is a devout Catholic and to prove it has seven kids. He is most commonly identified as being for Intelligent Design and against homosexuality. In the debates he comes across as the guy you would least want to have dinner with, what with his scolding tone and high degree of rightness. I’m thinking that with all hell breaking out in the world and western civilization struggling to survive, a candidate better have something else besides, “aren’t gay people terrible?” Besides, the American people aren’t going to elect a President named “Rick”.
To Be Continued….
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Week 13.....great games and tough calls
Lots of great games this Thanksgiving weekend. After a disastrous week 12 of going 2-4, I need a good week. However, each of the games I am picking could easily go the other way. They are all good teams who are all capable of winning. So, here we go:
Arkansas vs LSU
If ever there were a game that showcases great defense against great offense it’s this one. LSU will face the best offense it has seen all year in the Razorbacks. But this LSU team is 11-0 despite a schedule that has featured 6 ranked opponents. This game is in Baton Rouge. It will be a great game but the Tigers will win 35-28.
Va. Tech vs UVA
OK, I have picked UVA games 7 times this year and have been wrong 6 times. I pick them to win..they lose. I pick them to lose…they win. Disgusting. I must guard against being a prisoner of the moment. Yes, I know that Mike London is a terrific coach and he has the Cavaliers playing better than they have for years, and yes, I know that the Hokies are once again the most overrated team in America, having mysteriously risen to number 4 in the country on the strength of having beaten absolutely NOBODY. But, UVA is still UVA and Beamer is still Beamer and he could beat UVA in his sleep. Tech 24-9.
Alabama vs Auburn
The Iron Bowl. My first experience with this game was when I was an 8 year old boy living in Nicholsville, Alabama. I asked my father why every store in the entire state seemed abandoned, and why we couldn’t even find a gas station opened. He replied that Bama was playing Auburn, as if that should have explained everything. Alabama 27-10.
Clemson vs South Carolina
Another bitter rivalry game featuring the best team in the ACC ( sorry Hokies ) against the 5th best team in the SEC. Hmmmm….Gamecocks 32-27.
Penn State vs Wisconsin
Why am I picking this game? It’s Big Ten football, I’m tired of the whole Penn State thing, and Wisconsin is about as exciting as watching women’s golf. I guess I would like to see Penn State be put in it’s place, and I would enjoy seeing Russell Wilson have a good game, what with his local ties and all. Zzzzzzz…. Badgers 21-17.
Georgia vs Georgia Tech
Bitter in state rivals. Fourth best SEC team vs. third best ACC team. Tech’s tricked up offense is hard to prepare for, but Georgia has better athletes. When in doubt, pick the SEC…BullDogs roll 35-14.
Arkansas vs LSU
If ever there were a game that showcases great defense against great offense it’s this one. LSU will face the best offense it has seen all year in the Razorbacks. But this LSU team is 11-0 despite a schedule that has featured 6 ranked opponents. This game is in Baton Rouge. It will be a great game but the Tigers will win 35-28.
Va. Tech vs UVA
OK, I have picked UVA games 7 times this year and have been wrong 6 times. I pick them to win..they lose. I pick them to lose…they win. Disgusting. I must guard against being a prisoner of the moment. Yes, I know that Mike London is a terrific coach and he has the Cavaliers playing better than they have for years, and yes, I know that the Hokies are once again the most overrated team in America, having mysteriously risen to number 4 in the country on the strength of having beaten absolutely NOBODY. But, UVA is still UVA and Beamer is still Beamer and he could beat UVA in his sleep. Tech 24-9.
Alabama vs Auburn
The Iron Bowl. My first experience with this game was when I was an 8 year old boy living in Nicholsville, Alabama. I asked my father why every store in the entire state seemed abandoned, and why we couldn’t even find a gas station opened. He replied that Bama was playing Auburn, as if that should have explained everything. Alabama 27-10.
Clemson vs South Carolina
Another bitter rivalry game featuring the best team in the ACC ( sorry Hokies ) against the 5th best team in the SEC. Hmmmm….Gamecocks 32-27.
Penn State vs Wisconsin
Why am I picking this game? It’s Big Ten football, I’m tired of the whole Penn State thing, and Wisconsin is about as exciting as watching women’s golf. I guess I would like to see Penn State be put in it’s place, and I would enjoy seeing Russell Wilson have a good game, what with his local ties and all. Zzzzzzz…. Badgers 21-17.
Georgia vs Georgia Tech
Bitter in state rivals. Fourth best SEC team vs. third best ACC team. Tech’s tricked up offense is hard to prepare for, but Georgia has better athletes. When in doubt, pick the SEC…BullDogs roll 35-14.
Thanksgiving Recap...........as good as it gets
For Thanksgiving 2011, 31 of us gathered in a brick rancher in beautiful downtown Glen Allen designed for a maximum occupancy of perhaps 15. Upon arrival, I noticed a wave of intense heat coming not from the kitchen, but from the front porch. My instincts told me that this was trouble. After preliminary greetings I made my way towards the thermostat and discovered the problem. As if the combined body heat of 31 human beings wouldn’t be enough to heat the house, my parents had thoughtfully enlisted the aid of their 10,000 BTU heating system, setting it at a toasty 74 degrees. I took the liberty of intervening by dusting off the “cool” setting, and quietly opening windows throughout. By the time we all left 4 hours later the place felt great.
My sisters had come out the day before to devise a scheme whereby 31 people could eat sitting down and the food could be displayed and accessed properly. They are the unsung heroes of the day. The resulting space and flow miracle allowed all of us to enjoy a delectable meal with minimal droppage or spillage. The food itself was a culinary feast. The turkey was juicy, the ham smokey and delicious. The homemade rolls were exquisite and amazingly still warm from the oven. There was cranberry casserole, sweet potato deliciousness, creamy mashed potatoes, green beans, some sort of fancy cooked carrot dish with onions that sounds disgusting but was quite tasty. Then came the dessert bar which had to be set up out on the back porch. The too small table was crammed full of pies and brownies and more pies and pumpkin spiced whoopee pies and pecan pie nirvana made by Paula that was so good it came with a diabetes warning label. Of course Ron provided three different types of coffee with at least 16 varieties of sweeteners and creamers. Think of it as the Black Friday of dessert indulgence.
Once the Packers-Lions game reached halftime, it was time for our own Dunnevant men’s football game. This year’s edition featured a team of Ron, Ryan, and Jon vs. a team with Ruaridh, Patrick, and yours truly. Paul played a couple of series, but then staged a contract holdout on the terrible advice of his agent. It was a spirited contest that featured fine quarterbacking by Ryan, although his completion percentage left something to be desired. Jon made a fine touchdown catch, but later in the game was on the receiving end of a tipped pass with, shall we say…an unfortunate trajectory. He bravely soldiered on and later failed to offer the injury as an excuse for dropping a perfectly thrown touchdown pass from Ryan. My team was blessed with the fastest player on the field. Ruaridh has made the transition from whatever the heck game he played back in Scotland, to American football beautifully. Saving his best for last, Patrick scored when he got behind a clearly gassed Ron, to make an over the shoulder catch of the winning touchdown!
Most families would then lay around and fall asleep until they were hungry again and then break out the turkey sandwiches. Not the Dunnevants. It was now time for the Thanksgiving Play, a revival of the 2007 classic, The Dunnevants at Jamestown. Acting talent was on display as Patrick, Kaitlin, Jenny, Becky, Ryan, and Ruaridh gave spirited performances. After the play, Nanny, in a style and manner that came precariously close to preaching, led us in a devotional from a bible that looked so old and beaten up, one wondered whether it came over on the Mayflower. The best line of the day was delivered by Rick when he was flipping through her Bible later and said, “Nanny, this is an amazing bible..its autographed by Moses!” Then later he added…””Oh, and look what I found tucked in the pages of Exodus…a recipe card for manna” Hilarious! Then it was on…”Look Nanny..a seating chart from the Lord’s supper!”
When Rick first arrived, he was wearing a black fleece jacket and a gangster stocking cap yanked down tight over his eyes loaded down with grocery bags of food. Nanny whispered to me..” Douglas, who is that man?” To which I replied, “ Oh, he’s a bum we picked up at the corner of Pump and Broad. He says he’s homeless or something.” Nanny then says..”Well, bless his heart, there’s plenty!”
And so ended another awesome Thanksgiving. Except it wasn’t really finished. My family then headed the mile and a half over to Russ and Vi’s house to have more dessert with them. We are so lucky that everyone lives so close! After a couple of hours of overindulgence there, we finally started on the drive home and the last tradition of the day. For the last three weeks or so we have been forced to listen to second string Christmas music. You know what I mean…the Ray Coniff singers, Jim Nabors sings Greensleeves, that sort of thing. Our rule is that the top-tier stuff can only be brought out once the last piece of pie is consumed and we start the drive home. There are 4 choices. Nat King Cole, The Carpenters Christmas, James Taylor, and Harry Connick. A vote was taken and soon Christmas officially began with the velvet tones of Nat singing..”Chestnuts roasting on an open fiyah…” Once we got home, we decorated out tree, drank hot chocolate and wolfed down more turkey sandwiches, then watched Jim Carrey play the role of his life as..the Grinch. Just about the most perfect day ever.
My sisters had come out the day before to devise a scheme whereby 31 people could eat sitting down and the food could be displayed and accessed properly. They are the unsung heroes of the day. The resulting space and flow miracle allowed all of us to enjoy a delectable meal with minimal droppage or spillage. The food itself was a culinary feast. The turkey was juicy, the ham smokey and delicious. The homemade rolls were exquisite and amazingly still warm from the oven. There was cranberry casserole, sweet potato deliciousness, creamy mashed potatoes, green beans, some sort of fancy cooked carrot dish with onions that sounds disgusting but was quite tasty. Then came the dessert bar which had to be set up out on the back porch. The too small table was crammed full of pies and brownies and more pies and pumpkin spiced whoopee pies and pecan pie nirvana made by Paula that was so good it came with a diabetes warning label. Of course Ron provided three different types of coffee with at least 16 varieties of sweeteners and creamers. Think of it as the Black Friday of dessert indulgence.
Once the Packers-Lions game reached halftime, it was time for our own Dunnevant men’s football game. This year’s edition featured a team of Ron, Ryan, and Jon vs. a team with Ruaridh, Patrick, and yours truly. Paul played a couple of series, but then staged a contract holdout on the terrible advice of his agent. It was a spirited contest that featured fine quarterbacking by Ryan, although his completion percentage left something to be desired. Jon made a fine touchdown catch, but later in the game was on the receiving end of a tipped pass with, shall we say…an unfortunate trajectory. He bravely soldiered on and later failed to offer the injury as an excuse for dropping a perfectly thrown touchdown pass from Ryan. My team was blessed with the fastest player on the field. Ruaridh has made the transition from whatever the heck game he played back in Scotland, to American football beautifully. Saving his best for last, Patrick scored when he got behind a clearly gassed Ron, to make an over the shoulder catch of the winning touchdown!
Most families would then lay around and fall asleep until they were hungry again and then break out the turkey sandwiches. Not the Dunnevants. It was now time for the Thanksgiving Play, a revival of the 2007 classic, The Dunnevants at Jamestown. Acting talent was on display as Patrick, Kaitlin, Jenny, Becky, Ryan, and Ruaridh gave spirited performances. After the play, Nanny, in a style and manner that came precariously close to preaching, led us in a devotional from a bible that looked so old and beaten up, one wondered whether it came over on the Mayflower. The best line of the day was delivered by Rick when he was flipping through her Bible later and said, “Nanny, this is an amazing bible..its autographed by Moses!” Then later he added…””Oh, and look what I found tucked in the pages of Exodus…a recipe card for manna” Hilarious! Then it was on…”Look Nanny..a seating chart from the Lord’s supper!”
When Rick first arrived, he was wearing a black fleece jacket and a gangster stocking cap yanked down tight over his eyes loaded down with grocery bags of food. Nanny whispered to me..” Douglas, who is that man?” To which I replied, “ Oh, he’s a bum we picked up at the corner of Pump and Broad. He says he’s homeless or something.” Nanny then says..”Well, bless his heart, there’s plenty!”
And so ended another awesome Thanksgiving. Except it wasn’t really finished. My family then headed the mile and a half over to Russ and Vi’s house to have more dessert with them. We are so lucky that everyone lives so close! After a couple of hours of overindulgence there, we finally started on the drive home and the last tradition of the day. For the last three weeks or so we have been forced to listen to second string Christmas music. You know what I mean…the Ray Coniff singers, Jim Nabors sings Greensleeves, that sort of thing. Our rule is that the top-tier stuff can only be brought out once the last piece of pie is consumed and we start the drive home. There are 4 choices. Nat King Cole, The Carpenters Christmas, James Taylor, and Harry Connick. A vote was taken and soon Christmas officially began with the velvet tones of Nat singing..”Chestnuts roasting on an open fiyah…” Once we got home, we decorated out tree, drank hot chocolate and wolfed down more turkey sandwiches, then watched Jim Carrey play the role of his life as..the Grinch. Just about the most perfect day ever.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Super-Committee Fail....who could have seen that coming?
The Super-Committee has failed. You remember the Super Committee don’t you? Actually it’s called the Joint Select Committee On Deficit Reduction, and it was created by something called the Budget Control Act of 2011. It’s purpose was to prevent a default on out sovereign debt brought about by the failure of the entire Congress to keep our budget under it’s mandated debt ceiling back during the summer. The idea was that because we are so hopelessly divided by politics and ideology, we needed to select six people from each party, from each house of Congress, give their committee a cool modifier like “Super”, and remove them from the glare of cameras and lobbyists so they could hammer out a compromise. Well, they worked hard for over three months and announced yesterday that…”After months of hard work and intense deliberations, we have come to the conclusion today that it will not be possible to make any bipartisan agreement available to the public before the committee’s deadline.”
Apparently, words no longer have meaning. Anyone who has watched the spectacle of our elected representatives butchering the finances of this nation for the past 12 months must wonder how any of them could have the nerve to name the piece of legislation responsible for the creation of this committee the “Budget Control Act of 2011” ? What budget? We have no budget. We have operated on continuing resolutions for over three years now. What control? Our national debt along with our annual accounts deficit has sky-rocketed over those three years. We have absolutely zero control over a non-existent budget. Maybe it was so named out of the optimistic hope that by giving it such a name, it would make it so. Perhaps this is what our President meant by “hope and change”. I’ve been thinking about this name business quite a bit lately and have come up with some legislative names that just might produce the desired outcomes we are all looking for.
Let’s Make it Illegal For Elected Officials To Appear On Television Act of 2011
Raise Somebody Else’s Taxes Act of 2011
Balance the Budget In 90 Days Or Face Death By Firing Squad Act of 2011
I Would Be A Better Politician If I Had Better Constituents Act of 2011
Suggestion Box Empowerment Act of 2011…This brilliant legislation would automatically place into law with unanimous consent one suggestion from this anonymous box each month. Perhaps a lucky winner would not be required to ever sit next to Barney Frank for an entire year, or maybe Nancy Pelosi would be stripped of all power during “that time of the month”.
Apparently, words no longer have meaning. Anyone who has watched the spectacle of our elected representatives butchering the finances of this nation for the past 12 months must wonder how any of them could have the nerve to name the piece of legislation responsible for the creation of this committee the “Budget Control Act of 2011” ? What budget? We have no budget. We have operated on continuing resolutions for over three years now. What control? Our national debt along with our annual accounts deficit has sky-rocketed over those three years. We have absolutely zero control over a non-existent budget. Maybe it was so named out of the optimistic hope that by giving it such a name, it would make it so. Perhaps this is what our President meant by “hope and change”. I’ve been thinking about this name business quite a bit lately and have come up with some legislative names that just might produce the desired outcomes we are all looking for.
Let’s Make it Illegal For Elected Officials To Appear On Television Act of 2011
Raise Somebody Else’s Taxes Act of 2011
Balance the Budget In 90 Days Or Face Death By Firing Squad Act of 2011
I Would Be A Better Politician If I Had Better Constituents Act of 2011
Suggestion Box Empowerment Act of 2011…This brilliant legislation would automatically place into law with unanimous consent one suggestion from this anonymous box each month. Perhaps a lucky winner would not be required to ever sit next to Barney Frank for an entire year, or maybe Nancy Pelosi would be stripped of all power during “that time of the month”.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Week 12.......5 games and a bonus Nascar pick!!
Now that my level of revulsion at the Penn State child abuse story has cooled somewhat, I am ready to resume my uncanny knack of picking winners in college football. Unfortunately,I waited until today to write this , so I couldn’t pick Iowa State’s stunning upset of Oklahoma State. I would have picked that though because any fool could have seen that coming right? So, here we go:
Nebraska vs. Michigan
This is an easy pick. In a classic match up between a flashy, big play offense and a tough, hard-nosed defense, the defense wins 75% of the time. This game is in the Big House, but, the Cornhuskers went into Happy Valley in front of the pathetically overwrought Penn State fans last week and took care of business, so, no worries. Actually, Nebraska may have found an opponent with a bad enough defense to make even their error prone QB look good…Nebraska 35-28.
UVA vs. Florida State
I can’t figure out UVA. They have a barely serviceable QB, no elite athletes, woeful special teams, and the worst fans in Christendom, and yet, here they are with 7 wins and talking about beating Florida State to set up a rivalry game next week with Virginia Tech for the Coastal division title in the ACC. As the great Keith Jackson would have said…”Whoa Nellie!!” Whenever I have picked UVA to win they seem to lose and vice versa, so I’m kinda in a bind here. Let’s see…rock paper scissors…coin flip…sorry, all you Hoos in Hooville, but I just can’t imagine the Cavaliers with an 8 win football team, Florida State 23-17.
USC vs. Oregon
I loved hearing all of the Ducks quacking after they beat Stanford last week, claiming that they, not Alabama, deserved a rematch with LSU by the flawed logic that they actually scored 27 points against the Crimson Tide. Yes, you did score 27 points. But LSU scored 40 and manhandled you the entire game until two garbage TD’s in the fourth quarter made the score less embarrassing. Don’t get me wrong, Oregon is a perfectly fine Pac-10 team who is exciting to watch…when playing other pac-10 teams like USC. The Ducks will struggle against the Trojans but manage to pull this one out and then we all will have to listen to their hollow boasts for another couple of weeks. Have fun playing Oklahoma in the runner Up Bowl. Oregon 42-35.
Penn State vs. Ohio State
This game may well set back offensive football 50 years. I hear that the over and under on total first downs in this game is 20. Unless these teams figure out a way to score on defense or special teams, we may just have our first 0-0 regulation division 1-A game since the epic 1983 “Toilet Bowl” game between Oregon and Oregon State. If so, it couldn’t happen to two finer programs. Ohio State will be forever in Penn State’s debt for making the Buckeye NCAA infractions seem innocent by contrast. I declare this game the “Moral Decay Bowl”…Penn State 3-0.
William & Mary vs. UR
My Spiders have lost 7 straight games, three of the losses by a total of 5 points, but 7 straight nonetheless. In this game records have never mattered. Both teams will play like it’s for the championship of the civilized world, and it will be entertaining. Richmond has beaten W&M 5 out of the last six games, but the one loss was a 41-3 ass-whipping last year in Williamsburg. With that humiliation in mind, I say that my boys break out of their funk and find a way to eek this one out 21-20.
Tony Stewart vs. Carl Edwards
Since there are no other compelling games on the slate I figured I would weigh in on a sport that I have been gradually losing interest in over the past 5 years. Nascar’s “chase” has come down to the last race of the interminable year and the two contenders are in a virtual dead heat. So, let’s compare and contrast the two contestants, shall we? Who has a more appropriate Nascar name?” Carl” sounds like a driver, “Tony” sounds like a character in West Side Story. Who looks the part? Carl Edwards is the new face of Nascar, with his washboard abbs and famous back-flip celebrations. Tony Stewart couldn’t do a back flip if his flabby life depended on it, he with the pudgy, sinister Pillsbury dough-boy looks. Carl drives a Ford and Tony drives a Chevy…so there’s that whole thing. Both are ruthless win at all costs types. Carl flashes a million dollar smile, Tony, a 25 dollar smirk. Neither is a southerner, so that stinks. Carl will be clean shaven, Tony will have a three day growth of beard. Man, this is such a tough call. Tony Stewart strikes a blow for making sure Nascar doesn’t go Hollywood on us by wrecking Carl Edwards on the last lap and winning by a bumper.
Nebraska vs. Michigan
This is an easy pick. In a classic match up between a flashy, big play offense and a tough, hard-nosed defense, the defense wins 75% of the time. This game is in the Big House, but, the Cornhuskers went into Happy Valley in front of the pathetically overwrought Penn State fans last week and took care of business, so, no worries. Actually, Nebraska may have found an opponent with a bad enough defense to make even their error prone QB look good…Nebraska 35-28.
UVA vs. Florida State
I can’t figure out UVA. They have a barely serviceable QB, no elite athletes, woeful special teams, and the worst fans in Christendom, and yet, here they are with 7 wins and talking about beating Florida State to set up a rivalry game next week with Virginia Tech for the Coastal division title in the ACC. As the great Keith Jackson would have said…”Whoa Nellie!!” Whenever I have picked UVA to win they seem to lose and vice versa, so I’m kinda in a bind here. Let’s see…rock paper scissors…coin flip…sorry, all you Hoos in Hooville, but I just can’t imagine the Cavaliers with an 8 win football team, Florida State 23-17.
USC vs. Oregon
I loved hearing all of the Ducks quacking after they beat Stanford last week, claiming that they, not Alabama, deserved a rematch with LSU by the flawed logic that they actually scored 27 points against the Crimson Tide. Yes, you did score 27 points. But LSU scored 40 and manhandled you the entire game until two garbage TD’s in the fourth quarter made the score less embarrassing. Don’t get me wrong, Oregon is a perfectly fine Pac-10 team who is exciting to watch…when playing other pac-10 teams like USC. The Ducks will struggle against the Trojans but manage to pull this one out and then we all will have to listen to their hollow boasts for another couple of weeks. Have fun playing Oklahoma in the runner Up Bowl. Oregon 42-35.
Penn State vs. Ohio State
This game may well set back offensive football 50 years. I hear that the over and under on total first downs in this game is 20. Unless these teams figure out a way to score on defense or special teams, we may just have our first 0-0 regulation division 1-A game since the epic 1983 “Toilet Bowl” game between Oregon and Oregon State. If so, it couldn’t happen to two finer programs. Ohio State will be forever in Penn State’s debt for making the Buckeye NCAA infractions seem innocent by contrast. I declare this game the “Moral Decay Bowl”…Penn State 3-0.
William & Mary vs. UR
My Spiders have lost 7 straight games, three of the losses by a total of 5 points, but 7 straight nonetheless. In this game records have never mattered. Both teams will play like it’s for the championship of the civilized world, and it will be entertaining. Richmond has beaten W&M 5 out of the last six games, but the one loss was a 41-3 ass-whipping last year in Williamsburg. With that humiliation in mind, I say that my boys break out of their funk and find a way to eek this one out 21-20.
Tony Stewart vs. Carl Edwards
Since there are no other compelling games on the slate I figured I would weigh in on a sport that I have been gradually losing interest in over the past 5 years. Nascar’s “chase” has come down to the last race of the interminable year and the two contenders are in a virtual dead heat. So, let’s compare and contrast the two contestants, shall we? Who has a more appropriate Nascar name?” Carl” sounds like a driver, “Tony” sounds like a character in West Side Story. Who looks the part? Carl Edwards is the new face of Nascar, with his washboard abbs and famous back-flip celebrations. Tony Stewart couldn’t do a back flip if his flabby life depended on it, he with the pudgy, sinister Pillsbury dough-boy looks. Carl drives a Ford and Tony drives a Chevy…so there’s that whole thing. Both are ruthless win at all costs types. Carl flashes a million dollar smile, Tony, a 25 dollar smirk. Neither is a southerner, so that stinks. Carl will be clean shaven, Tony will have a three day growth of beard. Man, this is such a tough call. Tony Stewart strikes a blow for making sure Nascar doesn’t go Hollywood on us by wrecking Carl Edwards on the last lap and winning by a bumper.
Friday, November 18, 2011
A Thanksgiving Play
On this Thanksgiving Day 2007, it is natural to think back to Thanksgiving Days past and reminisce over fond memories. In the Dunnevant Family, we have seen our table grow over the years. When we think of the sheer volume of food consumed around this table since 1950, it is staggering. The scores of turkeys, pigs and chickens who have given the ultimate sacrifice to feed this family gives one pause. Nevertheless, it is a special day in the history of our family. However, it can also be somewhat . . . chaotic. I wonder . . .
I wonder what it would have been like if the Dunnevant Family had been in charge back on that first Thanksgiving Day in Jamestown . . . hmmm . . .
Mom: Emmett!! I beseech thee . . . come hither with that turkey! It is nigh the seventh hour and that bird hath not yet been cleaned? HALF THE DAY hath perished!!
Dad: Calmeth thy spirit, Betty. The sun hath been up a mere two hours. Wherefore doth thou reason that half the day hath perished?
Mom: There thou goest making mirth at my expense! Thou shalt singeth a different tune when this house shall be filled with savages demanding to be fed!
Dad: Be still, my wife. This meal shall come together in the course of time like all others before it.
Mom: I know of no divine incantation that can speaketh this meal onto the table! Bring hither our children to help. I cannot doeth it all!
Dad: I shall fetch them from their idleness.
Linda: Mother?
Mom: Make haste and get thee to preparing the maize pudding and berry casserole.
Linda: Why doth thou always employ me as thy slave while Douglas is allowed to scurry about this house with his exceedingly ill temper, vowing to SMITE US ALL IN THE MOUTH?
Mom: Leaveth Douglas alone! He is but an innocent child. Cease with thy vexing, and get thee busy with the maize pudding.
Linda: Why must we have maize pudding? Is it not enough that we have maize cereal for breakfast, maize cakes for lunch . . .?
Mom: Complaineth thou about the abundant maize crop these past many years? I should think that a thankful heart is in order.
Linda: You are right, Mother. Still, I grow weary of so repetitive a diet. Might’nt we barter a sack of maize for one of Sir Ukrop’s sheet cakes?
Donnie: What is that heavenly aroma wafting through the air?
Linda: Predictable! Only the smell of food can implore you to drop your fife and fiddle and desist with your annoying music-making!
Mom: Linda! Retire thy caustic tongue and apologize to your brother! His music-making bringeth joy to this house and, with increasing frequency, causeth my heart to flutter within me!
Dad: I have received disturbing news, dear family. I must leave at once to visit the home of William McClandish. He is sorely vexed with his wife and contemplates putting her away privately. As God’s servant in this colony, I must provide counsel.
Paula: William McClandish is vexed with his wife??? That is indeed rich! That brute beast of a man is lucky to even have a wife. I find him offensive in every way and entirely lacking in any social grace. And now this vile creature hath caused, once again, our Father to be torn from hearth and home in the most untimely manner.
Dad: Let not this trouble your heart, Paula. I shall return in time for the meal.
Donnie: Father, Paula speaketh the truth. How long hath thou been the parson of this contemptible village? Verily, I say that it is 1621 and past time for thou to be given an assistant parson.
Mom: Well, I’ll be-eth John Brown! An assistant parson? Our God owns the cattle on a thousand hills . . . Perhaps such a thing is possible?
[knock on the door]
Mom: Getteth the door, Donnie. Who could be troubling us at this hour? Might it be someone in need of a few coins from my Giveth-Away Fund?
Donnie: Mother, it is Squanto!
Mom: Squanto! Blesseth your heart, noble savage. I am so grateful for all of your help this past year with the maize crop.
Linda: Indeed! The bountiful maize crop warmeth my heart!
Squanto: Mrs. D is fine woman, and Squanto lucky to be invited to big dinner when sun is tall in sky.
Mom: Mentioneth it not! What bringest thou here 5 hours early, pray tell?
Squanto: Hereth is the thing . . . I knoweth that Mrs. D invite Squanto to big meal, but Squanto hath many guests and relatives from many tribes beyond the great River James who hath descended on Squanto’s teepee unannounced. Squanto wonders if Mrs. D hath room for a few more?
Mom: Mrs. D is forever in your debt. All of Squanto’s guests are always welcomed at our table. The Lord shall provide out of his bounty. Me-thinks this should be a tradition that we honor every year.
Linda: Shall I now be cursed with an annual Maize Day? Perish the contemptible thought!
Mom: No! It shall be a day to give thanks for the manifold blessings of life. A day to bow before God in humility around the table of plenty.
Donnie: It has come to me! It shall be called “Thanksgiving Day.” I shall compose a song post-haste . . . [singing] “We gather together to ask the Lord’s blessing . . . “ A fine start! Linda, fetch me my fiddle and quill and some parchment!
Paula: THIS shall NEVER catch on. It needs . . . GIFTS!
THE END
I wonder what it would have been like if the Dunnevant Family had been in charge back on that first Thanksgiving Day in Jamestown . . . hmmm . . .
Mom: Emmett!! I beseech thee . . . come hither with that turkey! It is nigh the seventh hour and that bird hath not yet been cleaned? HALF THE DAY hath perished!!
Dad: Calmeth thy spirit, Betty. The sun hath been up a mere two hours. Wherefore doth thou reason that half the day hath perished?
Mom: There thou goest making mirth at my expense! Thou shalt singeth a different tune when this house shall be filled with savages demanding to be fed!
Dad: Be still, my wife. This meal shall come together in the course of time like all others before it.
Mom: I know of no divine incantation that can speaketh this meal onto the table! Bring hither our children to help. I cannot doeth it all!
Dad: I shall fetch them from their idleness.
Linda: Mother?
Mom: Make haste and get thee to preparing the maize pudding and berry casserole.
Linda: Why doth thou always employ me as thy slave while Douglas is allowed to scurry about this house with his exceedingly ill temper, vowing to SMITE US ALL IN THE MOUTH?
Mom: Leaveth Douglas alone! He is but an innocent child. Cease with thy vexing, and get thee busy with the maize pudding.
Linda: Why must we have maize pudding? Is it not enough that we have maize cereal for breakfast, maize cakes for lunch . . .?
Mom: Complaineth thou about the abundant maize crop these past many years? I should think that a thankful heart is in order.
Linda: You are right, Mother. Still, I grow weary of so repetitive a diet. Might’nt we barter a sack of maize for one of Sir Ukrop’s sheet cakes?
Donnie: What is that heavenly aroma wafting through the air?
Linda: Predictable! Only the smell of food can implore you to drop your fife and fiddle and desist with your annoying music-making!
Mom: Linda! Retire thy caustic tongue and apologize to your brother! His music-making bringeth joy to this house and, with increasing frequency, causeth my heart to flutter within me!
Dad: I have received disturbing news, dear family. I must leave at once to visit the home of William McClandish. He is sorely vexed with his wife and contemplates putting her away privately. As God’s servant in this colony, I must provide counsel.
Paula: William McClandish is vexed with his wife??? That is indeed rich! That brute beast of a man is lucky to even have a wife. I find him offensive in every way and entirely lacking in any social grace. And now this vile creature hath caused, once again, our Father to be torn from hearth and home in the most untimely manner.
Dad: Let not this trouble your heart, Paula. I shall return in time for the meal.
Donnie: Father, Paula speaketh the truth. How long hath thou been the parson of this contemptible village? Verily, I say that it is 1621 and past time for thou to be given an assistant parson.
Mom: Well, I’ll be-eth John Brown! An assistant parson? Our God owns the cattle on a thousand hills . . . Perhaps such a thing is possible?
[knock on the door]
Mom: Getteth the door, Donnie. Who could be troubling us at this hour? Might it be someone in need of a few coins from my Giveth-Away Fund?
Donnie: Mother, it is Squanto!
Mom: Squanto! Blesseth your heart, noble savage. I am so grateful for all of your help this past year with the maize crop.
Linda: Indeed! The bountiful maize crop warmeth my heart!
Squanto: Mrs. D is fine woman, and Squanto lucky to be invited to big dinner when sun is tall in sky.
Mom: Mentioneth it not! What bringest thou here 5 hours early, pray tell?
Squanto: Hereth is the thing . . . I knoweth that Mrs. D invite Squanto to big meal, but Squanto hath many guests and relatives from many tribes beyond the great River James who hath descended on Squanto’s teepee unannounced. Squanto wonders if Mrs. D hath room for a few more?
Mom: Mrs. D is forever in your debt. All of Squanto’s guests are always welcomed at our table. The Lord shall provide out of his bounty. Me-thinks this should be a tradition that we honor every year.
Linda: Shall I now be cursed with an annual Maize Day? Perish the contemptible thought!
Mom: No! It shall be a day to give thanks for the manifold blessings of life. A day to bow before God in humility around the table of plenty.
Donnie: It has come to me! It shall be called “Thanksgiving Day.” I shall compose a song post-haste . . . [singing] “We gather together to ask the Lord’s blessing . . . “ A fine start! Linda, fetch me my fiddle and quill and some parchment!
Paula: THIS shall NEVER catch on. It needs . . . GIFTS!
THE END
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thinking The Unthinkable....No NBA Season?
I suppose I’ll always remember where I was when I got the news that the NBA collective bargaining negotiations had broken down and that the 2011-12 season was in jeopardy. It’s one of those iconic memories, like when JFK was shot, or 9/11. I was channel surfing between the History channel and Monday Night Football, I think it was, or maybe I saw it on Drudge, whatever. All I know is, how much more can one nation take? I mean, first we survive 8 years of W, then we elect Bambi as our President, and now we have to face the very real possibility that there may be no NBA season. I know that bad things come in threes but this is ridiculous.
No NBA? You might as well say, No more asparagus for dessert, or, No more Chevy Volt!! Just what do they expect us to do between 11 and 11:15 every night if there are no monster dunk high lights on ESPN? Just where do they expect Bill Walton to find gainful employment, for God’s sake? I’m not here to take sides. The Owners and the Players both make valid points. But there are lots of things that neither side has considered in their long deliberations. Here are just a few:
1. Unemployment is already over 9%. Has anyone thought about the impact that no NBA games will have on the Tattoo industry in this country?
2. Is the Toupee business healthy enough to survive an unemployed Marv Albert?
3. Have Strip Club owners been consulted on what the impact would be of having no NBA players making it rain up in here?
But it’s not just about money. What about the nightly traditions of NBA games that we have all grown to love. Think of all we will be missing, think of all we will NOT get to see every night on TNT:
*entire teams of elite athletes that play no defense
*point guards who routinely palm the ball
*amazing cross-over dribble drives to the basket that feature 3-4 steps between dribbles
*the playoff intensity feel to routine regular season games between the Memphis Grizzlies and the Portland Trail Blazers
*players who earn 20 million dollars a year but can only manage to make 55% of their free throws
*the Dream Team
*Lebron James’ pregame ritual of throwing chalk in the air in a desperate cry for help, “Look at ME!!!”
*Spike Lee on the front row at Madison Square Garden in a desperate cry for help, “Look at ME too!! I used to make movies, now I just hang out here and try to get on Sports Center!”
*All-Star weekend and the resulting perp-walk highlights.
*Magic Johnson TV commercials for Rent-A-Center
It’s sure to be a long and boring winter. At some point the beleaguered and forgotten fan might well rise up in anger at the selfishness of both sides. In the spirit of the times perhaps they should start an “Occupy” movement. Fans could Occupy the Boston Garden and the Staples Center with signs that say, “WE ARE THE 1%...who care about the NBA”.
No NBA? You might as well say, No more asparagus for dessert, or, No more Chevy Volt!! Just what do they expect us to do between 11 and 11:15 every night if there are no monster dunk high lights on ESPN? Just where do they expect Bill Walton to find gainful employment, for God’s sake? I’m not here to take sides. The Owners and the Players both make valid points. But there are lots of things that neither side has considered in their long deliberations. Here are just a few:
1. Unemployment is already over 9%. Has anyone thought about the impact that no NBA games will have on the Tattoo industry in this country?
2. Is the Toupee business healthy enough to survive an unemployed Marv Albert?
3. Have Strip Club owners been consulted on what the impact would be of having no NBA players making it rain up in here?
But it’s not just about money. What about the nightly traditions of NBA games that we have all grown to love. Think of all we will be missing, think of all we will NOT get to see every night on TNT:
*entire teams of elite athletes that play no defense
*point guards who routinely palm the ball
*amazing cross-over dribble drives to the basket that feature 3-4 steps between dribbles
*the playoff intensity feel to routine regular season games between the Memphis Grizzlies and the Portland Trail Blazers
*players who earn 20 million dollars a year but can only manage to make 55% of their free throws
*the Dream Team
*Lebron James’ pregame ritual of throwing chalk in the air in a desperate cry for help, “Look at ME!!!”
*Spike Lee on the front row at Madison Square Garden in a desperate cry for help, “Look at ME too!! I used to make movies, now I just hang out here and try to get on Sports Center!”
*All-Star weekend and the resulting perp-walk highlights.
*Magic Johnson TV commercials for Rent-A-Center
It’s sure to be a long and boring winter. At some point the beleaguered and forgotten fan might well rise up in anger at the selfishness of both sides. In the spirit of the times perhaps they should start an “Occupy” movement. Fans could Occupy the Boston Garden and the Staples Center with signs that say, “WE ARE THE 1%...who care about the NBA”.
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