Lucy’s Balloon Nightmare

Ok, the bridal shower was a roaring success...

But this isn’t a blog about a bridal shower, which will come as a huge relief to my male readers, no doubt. No, this is a blog about Lucy. In the week leading up to this shower she has been walking on eggshells what with all the boxes and furniture rearranging and what not. Lucy isn’t a big fan of things moving around in her house. Whenever we put all the leaves in the dining room table she knows that something big is in the works and begins snooping around giving everything the side eye. So yesterday, about an hour before the guests were due to arrive, we banished her to the upstairs for the duration. Then we were free to garnish the downstairs with the final flourishes which included several balloon bouquets like the one in the above photograph. Fast forward to four hours later...

It was time for Lucy to be released from jail and taken out for what was sure to be a long awaited constitutional. But half way down the stairs she stopped in her tracks when she spotted the balloons tied to the banister at the foot of the stairs. No, no...this would not do. Lucy was not about to budge until the horrifying balloons were dispatched! Pam quickly removed them and eventually the poor girl was persuaded that it was safe to continue. I then grabbed the leash and told her it was time for a potty break which she was very happy to hear. As soon as I opened the front door, she eagerly bolted for the porch....only to immediately slam on the brakes when confronted with yet another balloon bouquet monster attached to the rail at the bottom of the porch steps!! If it were even possible, this batch was even more terrifying than the first since these danced in the wind!! “What da hek?” I somehow managed to coax her to slink down the front steps ever so slowly, keeping a sharp eye out for sudden movements from the hecking balloon demons. As soon as she was clear, she bolted down the sidewalk and around the corner, then raced down the driveway to her favorite urinating spot. But, what’s this???? Again, she applied the brakes. There, tied to the mailbox was a third grouping of the sinister new terrors to invade her happy home. That was it. She immediately squatted down and relieved herself right in the driveway...a first...and turned around to head back to the house. But there was no way she was going back up the front steps. So, I took her back through the garage, a balloon-free zone.

This morning, Lucy still hasn’t come down the stairs. Fortunately for her, the balloons are gone...except for one that somehow in the night broke free from the porch railing and drifted into the night sky, only to become lodged in the pine tree branches in the front yard. Hopefully Lucy will not notice. If she does, I will have to employ my BB gun to deflate the monster.

Never, EVER Mess With the Teapot Kid

After yesterday’s rather self-indulgent post, I feel that I owe all of you something much lighter on this Saturday morning...

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Stick it in water. If it sinks it’s an girl ant. If it floats it’s a...buoyant.

The man who stole my diary died in a car accident yesterday.

My thoughts are with his family...

Hey Ted, just because you cancun doesn’t mean you shouldcun.

What do cowboys use to move from state to state?

Yee-Hauls...

I asked my doctor what I could do about my irritated eyes. He said, “check out conjunctivitis.com”

I answered, “What’s that?”

He said, “It’s a site for sore eyes.”

What do you call the walking trail around the Psychiatric Hospital?

The Psycho Path... 

The Winter of my Discontent

For the first time in the going on eleven years of this blog, I’m finding it hard to write. This is significant since for me writing is the easiest, most effortless thing I do. I may not always write well, but the act of writing itself has always been easy. Subjects to write about fly in and out of my head constantly with no effort on my part. I simply open up my iPad and poof, it comes to me like magic. But this past year has changed things. Its been a combination of many factors, I suppose, not the least of which might be how long I have been at this. Eleven years is a long time to do anything. Maybe after nearly 2500 posts, there simply isn’t anything left to say. Nothing lasts forever.

But I think it might be something else. These past twelve months have seen a unique combination of events mixing together to produce a new atmosphere in this country, one that I have never experienced before. I will attempt to list them here and figure out how they relate to each other. But by doing so I must admit that I won’t know what my conclusions are until they appear on the screen. Thinking and writing at the same time sometimes produces inconsistencies, for which I apologize in advance.

COVID

It has been a year now. Very few of us thought that it would last this long. The most informed voices are saying it may be several years before, or even if, we get back to normal. I am an optimist in this regard. I am encouraged by the reduction in cases, the distribution of the vaccine, etc. But the virus itself (like everything else) seems to have divided us. Through it all there have been those who have taken precautions, those who have given in to irrational and crippling fear, and those who have pretended that COVID isn’t even real. The simple wearing of a mask has somehow become a contentious and controversial act. There are large communities throughout the country who’s suspicion of the government is so great, their political attachments so rigid, even a virus that has killed a half a million of us gets dismissed as a political conspiracy by them. But its not just the politicalization of COVID that has been so troubling, but also the protocols necessary for its containment. COVID has isolated us from each other. We have travelled less, worked from home, Zoom calls and chat rooms have replaced personal interaction. That ghastly term, social distancing, has done its work. I have never felt more socially distant from my old life as I feel right now. 

POLITICS

America has always been divided. We have always been a contentious and difficult people. There is nothing new about our divides. We are not a homogeneous nation. Never have been. We are from all over. Always have been. We come together to form alliances warily. We are persistently independent people who rarely agree to give up personal liberties even for the greater good. But its that very same independent streak that has made America unique and contributed greatly to our innovation and accomplishment. But, gradually over time the idea of personal liberty and freedom has morphed into something else entirely. Any sacrifice we are asked to make for the common good from wearing a mask to paying taxes has been rebranded as creeping Socialism. On the other hand, if citizens reject the brand spanking new sexual identity constructs being thrust upon them, or rise up against the notion that they should be appalled at themselves for being white, they are suddenly Nazis. So, beliefs and ideas that in the past would have divided us only politically, now place a wide and dark social chasm between us. We can’t go to the same church, listen to the same music, even be neighbors or neighborly with anyone outside our political tribe. This politicalization of literally everything has extended to the marketplace, with CEO’s now taking positions on politics as a signal to their customers that it’s alright to buy from them, “It’s cool. We get it,” they Tweet.

RELIGION

This has been very much the winter of Christianity’s discontent. The tragic posthumous fall of Ravi Zacharias has served as a bookend of sorts to cap off a horrible year for the faith, which started when support for Donald Trump became somehow a litmus test for genuine Christian faith. I will not dignify that absurdity with further comment. However, being deprived of...the gathering...during these tumultuous times has been a blow for me personally. No, it hasn’t been a communist conspiracy to stamp out religion. It has been a prudent public health and safety initiative that I support. But that’s not the same thing as saying it hasn’t had a downside. Human beings were not meant to live this way, walled off from each other. Any attempt to do so must be temporary, and balanced by careful attention to the emotional, mental, and psychological costs. I think of how this is affecting school kids in particular. Virtual learning, heck, virtual anything is a feeble replacement for the real thing. While I am thankful for the technology, as it has gotten us through a very difficult time, it is not a perfect solution. Human beings need other human beings...especially when it comes to Christian faith and practice.

WINTER

It’s hard to blame a season of the year for this. Winter is just doing what Winter does, only this year it seems like cruel and unusual punishment. Just in the month of February alone, people in my area have had to deal with six days of snow and ice, and another seven days of clouds. While I am sure that others have endured far worse...(those obnoxiously arrogant Texans with their ten gallon hat egos come to mind)...for us the ice-encrusted landscape serves as yet another isolating barrier, sending us inside our homes for yet another round of hunkering down.

It is all of these things and probably some that I haven’t mentioned that have contributed to my discontent. I place them in no rank order. I accuse none of them of being the worst offender. Its more like a witch’s brew of ingredients that taken together produce something close to depression.

But, Spring is coming. The sun will eventual come out. I will snap out of this funk at some point. When I do, my writing will get better.

The Sock Snatch

Behold Lucy striking a pose caught in the very act of defiance and rebellion. My dog is well known for her, how shall I say...idiosyncratic behavior. One example has been brought into sharper focus since Bernadette has come to live with us, the now famous sock snatch.

Lucy has always had a thing for socks, but never quite so much as she has since Bernadettes’s arrival. First of all, she adores her, treats her like a rock star every time she comes home from work. But early on we learned that if she left the door to her room open when she left, this would happen. Lucy would quietly make her way into her room and look for any stray socks on the floor, grab one of them—never two—and bring it with her to our bed, and sit close to it. Nothing more, just sit there...next to her sock. She wouldn’t chew the sock, rip holes in it or anything destructive. Eventually she would leave the sock on our bed and go about the rest of her day. This phenomenon happens every single time Bernadette leaves the entrance to her room unguarded for even just a few minutes. 

Of course, as I have explained to Bernie, this all could be avoided if she wouldn’t leave her socks on the floor. Lucy seems uninterested in any other articles of clothing. The downside to leaving her bedroom door closed all day is that by the time she returns from work the place is an icebox. So early on we devised a work-around...

Lucy respects the gate. Actually, she’s always been slightly afraid of these flimsy barriers. As long as it is in place, she will not even think about trespassing. But Bernadette often forgets. Every single time she does, Lucy slinks in, searching for her prey, grabs one and swiftly retreats. Her favorite  seems to be the engagement ring socks, which she has snapped up multiple times.

So, if there are any dog lovers in this audience, or psychiatrists, or even better...dog psychiatrists, I would appreciate an explanation of this bizarre behavior.

The Best Valentine’s Day Story Ever

This is a very special photograph. It was taken 14 years ago today...

The back story is pretty epic, so much so that I was convinced that I had already blogged about Valentine’s Day, 2007. But, a deep dive into the archives produced no record of the tale. The basic facts are that since Kaitlin was two years old, I had taken her out to breakfast on Valentine’s Day. For years our restaurant of choice was Aunt Sarah’s Pancake House. But then, she went off to college at Cedarville University in Ohio, a seven and a half hour drive. Nevertheless, I made the trip her Freshman year. The following year, 2007, was set to be the year where the streak would end. I was swamped at work trying to make enough money to make the oppressive tuition payments every month. Plus, I had an appointment with a very important client in Wytheville, Va. at 5:00 in the afternoon the day before V-Day. So, I called her a few days before to break the bad news. She seemed totally understanding but a little disappointed. I could tell. My appointment was over at 6:30. I began the long drive home through the backroads of Wythe County. I soon found myself at the stop light near the exit onto Interstate 77. Head south to connect to 81 to go home or head north on 77 to Charleston, WVa. I hesitated. The drive to Cedarville was only four and a half hours. Maybe I could surprise her. I made a quick call to Pam. She gave me the go ahead. I made the decision and took off north. Only one problem. I was headed into a snowstorm that started just outside of Charleston and never let up. By the time I made it to Route 35 is what coming down so hard I couldn’t go any faster than 35 miles per hour. Couldn’t see a thing. It occurred to me that I might have made a terrible call. By the time I limped into the motel parking lot down the street from the University it was 2 o’clock in the morning and there was six inches of fresh snow on the ground.

The next morning, I drove to Katlin’s dorm parking lot at 7:00. I knew she had morning classes. I called her cell phone to wish her a happy Valentine’s Day. She thanked me, sounding down, “I wish we could go to breakfast this morning” My answer was, “Well, we might be able to work something out if you can meet me in the parking lot in five minutes.”

For the life of me I don’t remember where I got those flowers. We had a wonderful hour together, then I had to start the miserable drive home. LAter that day Kaitlin called me with a story. She was in her second class of the day when she overheard a couple of people talking. One of them says, “Did you hear about that girl who’s dad drove through a snowstorm all night so he could take her to breakfast on Valentine’s Day?” For that one day, Kaitlin was a rock star on the campus of Cedarville University. It was one of the very dumbest and very best things I ever did as a Father. Neither of us will ever forget it.

An Exhilarating Hour

This afternoon I was up in my reading room, settling in to my trusty recliner, when I opened up my browser and spotted yet another email from Zillow. For the past year or so I have been obsessed with lake house hunting in Maine, so these Zillow emails are a daily occurrence. I always open them even though at least 50% of them are for land only, another 40% are dumpy little shacks on some lake I’ve never heard of two hours from Camden, and the rest of them are for multi-million dollar estates. Yet, I open every single email thinking maybe, just maybe, this might be the one.

Imagine my surprise when I discover that today’s featured camp is on Quantabacook, a mere six camps up the lake from Loon Landing?! I thought I might fall out of the chair I was so excited. I immediately sent the link to A. My real estate agent, Tiffany Ford and B. Carolyn and Keith May, the owners of Loon Landing who know everyone on the lake and serve as our eyes and ears. They also have the distinction of being the sweetest, most generous people in Maine and since we love their camp so much they know exactly the sort of place we are looking for. 

The next hour was a whirlwind of texts, pictures, tax assessment statements, and a million unanswerable questions flying back and forth. The basic facts were that this place was built in 1940 but had just gone under a complete overhaul and upgrade. It had a main house close to the water’s edge with two bedrooms and a full bath, along with a guest house out back with a third bedroom and bath. This was no show-stopper like Loon Landing, but it was on the perfect lake, and the inside was quite charming. But in real estate, like in real life, it’s easy to get ahead of yourself. As my wise friend Keith May observed, “If you love something, it makes you pay.” How much, you ask?

Ok, the main house weighs in at a tidy and cramped 900 square feet. The camp is seasonal, which means you could only use it from May to October. It has no fireplace. Did I mention it’s only 900 square feet? That’s smaller than Nancy Pelosi’s walk-in closet! On the plus side, it comes with a 2011 Bayliner boat. All of this for a cool....$595,000.

Gulp...

Tiffany warns me that it will not go for any less, and frankly, will probably become the subject of a bidding war with someone from New York City who won’t care that the place is only assessed by the town of Searsmont at $258,000. He’s gonna pay cash anyway. 

She then explains that the market has been taken over by rich city people who are distorting values, but in a couple more years will be gone and prices will then drift back to something resembling normal. Further, she suggested that even if we have to rent for a couple more years, that would be better than paying $200,000 too much for a camp that you can only use for half the year. 

So, after an hour of exhilaration and wild dreams, eventually cooler heads prevailed. But one day, someday, we are going to find our camp.

Wonder how much this place will eventually go for??

A Friday Ramble

Woke up to somewhere between 3-4 inches of snow, with freezing drizzle coming down. My man Andrew Freiden tells me that the temperature will be hovering around 32 degrees for the next 48 hours with intermittent sleet, freezing drizzle and general suckiness for the entire weekend. My one appointment for this morning cancelled last night. So, it would appear that you’re in for a meandering post this morning.

First off..here’s a list of a few books that haven’t been written yet but surely need to be:

“How to Write Big Books” by Warren Peace

“The Art of Archery” by Beau N. Arrow

“Irish Heart Surgery” by Angie O’Plasty

“School Truancy” by Marcus Absent

“I Lost My Balance” by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

“Positive Reinforcement” by Wade Ago

“The Philippine Post Office” by Imelda Letter

“Things to Do at a Party” by Bob Frapples

Second...last night Pam asked me what I thought of the Impeachment trial going on in the Senate. I was a little embarrassed to answer that I hadn’t seen any of it. “Haven’t you even read anything about it?” She asked? Another embarrassed “no”. I could offer several reasons why I have not been engaged in Impeachment II, but primarily it boils down to two...Trump fatigue, and the fact that there seems no way possible that 67 votes will be found to convict. Plus, it is extraordinarily difficult to prove intent. I have my opinions on what Trump was up to leading up to that riot, but they hinge on my belief that he knew exactly what he was doing, firing up a mob and hoping they would storm the capital and put steel into his Vice-President’s spine. But, that’s my opinion based on my judgement, not a fact based, provable allegation. Today, I’m sure his defense lawyers will present a parade of Democrats using similarly inflamed rhetoric suggesting violence at some point or another. There’s been a ton of stupid rhetoric flying around these past few years so it should be easy to find. They will try to make the point that politicians of all stripes say dumb things. True. Of course all dumb talk doesn’t produce a riot inside the Capitol building, but I guess that amounts to a quibble. I’m thinking the vote will be somewhere around 56-44 to convict, falling far short of the 67 votes required. Then, can we all just close the book on TRUMP already? 

Have you guys ever messed around on the Ancestry.com website? It’s pretty cool. The other day I was poking around and decided to do a little research on Vincent Van Gogh. Absolutely fascinating!!