Counting Our Blessings

The Coronavirus has swiftly and dramatically altered daily life in America. An awful lot of wealth has been, at least temporarily, wiped out. People are growing more fearful by the day. However, not everything associated with this crisis is...bad. The answer to the eternal question, is the glass half empty or half full, depends on one’s perspective. To that end, I have compiled a short list of positives associated with this mess. Let’s all count our blessings for a moment:

- We have gone weeks now with practically no news about the Presidential campaigns.

- The U.S. Senate took a vote yesterday on a huge Coronavirus relief package and it passed 90-8. We haven’t seen this level of bi-partisan cooperation since the 100-0 vote to make Mother’s Day a thing.

- Traffic on West Broad Street in Short Pump is finally manageable. But in fairness, that’s because most of the cars are in the drive thru at Chick-fil-A.

- Bernie Sanders can shut down his campaign secure in the knowledge that there are far fewer billionaires in America now than when he started.

- If we get to the point where everyone 70 and older must shelter in place, would the last one leaving the Capital building turn out the lights?

- Sports gambling losses in America have plummeted.

- Hot Yoga classes have been cancelled throughout the Country, raising the cumulative IQ of the nation by ten points.

- The Meme business is booming.

- Gasoline has gotten cheap.

- Peloton owners have become even more smug and obnoxious than normal, proving that literally anything is possible.

- We are all about to discover the truth of our Lord and Savior’s words from the Gospel of Luke that, “A man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”

- This will be remembered as the Golden Age of Dogs.

This Ain’t The Blitz...

Apparently there is something called Google Hangout which allows you to have a video conference call with multiple parties. I’m sure there are other similar services out there in the amazing world of technology. But leave it to my wife to find one that not only works like a glitch-free charm, but is FREE. Anyway, there we were last night, Pam downstairs on the sofa, me upstairs in my recliner, with all four of my kids and both of my Grandpups appearing like magic on my iPad screen. We talked and laughed and shared our concerns about this stupid virus for over an hour. Occasionally one of the pups would do something adorable on screen and we would all laugh. We each shared our concerns about working from home and potentially being locked down. We talked about food supply, money issues, etc. Pam and I got to see their faces, a huge relief for both of us. And it costs us nothing.

Listen folks, as disturbing as all of this is, lets be clear...this ain’t the Blitz, people. This isn’t London in 1940. We’re not hunkered down in bomb shelters praying that our number doesn’t come up. This isn’t Europe in the Middle Ages when the Black Death swept thru and killed 50 million people, six out every ten people. Heck, this isn’t even the Spanish Flu of 1918 which not only killed untold millions but diabolically targeted the young. I am not minimizing anything. This COVID-19 thing is a deadly serious public health crisis. But we have tools to help us get through the inconvenience and isolation of the remedy in ways that our ancestors couldn’t possibly have imagined. It is, despite the current evidence, a marvelous time to be alive.

Speaking of things that are marvelous...

Apparently in Germany panic buying of sausage and cheese has broke out...

It's the Wurst Käse scenario.

COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC.

Which is appropriate since I have no idea what DIVOC is going on.

Everywhere I look on the internet there are memes with word play about the Coronavirus.

It’s a global pundemic.

I just landed a small part in a new movie about the Coronavirus.

I’m a Corona extra.

Did you guys here about the Mosque here in Richmond that got hit with the Coronavirus?

The entire congregation has been placed in a Qurantine...

What’s Your Story Going To Be?

In his famous book, Leviathan, Thomas Hobbes observed that life for men in the state of nature was “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” Perhaps no writer in the English language has ever penned a more accurate description of what life was like for the typical person for the vast majority of human history. “No arts; no letters; no society; and worst of all, the continual fear of violent death.”

In our time, life has taken on a much calmer aspect, at least for most of us in the West. We live longer, fuller, happier lives than our ancestors could ever have dreamed possible. But, just when we are at the peak of our opulent and arrogant leisure, along comes a hurricane or a line of tornados as a reminder of how powerless we are against the forces of nature. And now the Coronavirus arrives on the scene of our brave new sheltered life and we are momentarily disoriented. It knocks us off of our high horse. In time, and I believe soon, we will once again find our bearings and be on our way. But, just for a minute, while we are down on the ground, let’s take a good look at ourselves and take inventory.

My dad observed that hard times don’t build character, they reveal it. At crunch time, what’s down in the well, always comes up in the bucket, he would insist. My dad was a wise man.

It would do us all well to consider that our kids are watching us right now. Younger generations are looking to the grownups for cues on how to react to the unprecedented. One day, our grandchildren will want to know what it was like to live through the great pandemic, or whatever name the historians will assign to COVID-19. They will ask us what we did. What will we tell them?

Will we tell them that we spent our time mocking those who took it seriously enough to take precautions? Will we have to admit that we were too busy going on vacations and publishing pictures of our carefree frolicking in an attempt to shame our more cautious friends? Or will we have to tell the embarrassing story of the trips to the grocery store where we bought a pickup truck full of toilet paper and hand sanitizer? Will we be one of those who have to admit that we gave in to our greed and jacked up the price of some scarce commodity to make a fast buck? Will we have to tell our grandchildren that at the time we were so addled by partisan politics that all we cared about was how the crisis was affecting our side, rendering us useless to our neighbors.

But, make no mistake...history will judge us. What I hope I am able to tell my grandchildren (whenever I finally have some!) is that I kept my wits about me. I showed up for work, did my job under difficult conditions with vigor and confidence. I looked out for my neighbor, took special care of the vulnerable. I helped people stay focused on what was important, not be terrified into mistakes great and small. I kept my sense of humor about me, refused to lose heart, refused to give myself over to undue pessimism and despair. I kept the jokes coming.

The kids are watching us. Let’s create a great story to tell.

Thoughts That Came at 3:30 in the Morning

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.”

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Move forward. Keep your head up. Work with diligence the task set before you. Look out for the needs of others, not just yourself. Attack this day with the steadfast confidence that comes from faith in God and faith in each other. Banish inordinate fear from your heart. Today...this day...is what we have all been given. Let’s make the best of it.

The Assembly

My church, along with many others, made the decision to cancel services today. Instead of four separate meetings with over 700 people crammed into one auditorium, they will have one service at 9:30 which will be live-streamed with only essential personnel in the building. I believe this was wise and proper, and I will be watching, but...I will miss the assembly, the gathering, being together.

The early Christians warned us not to forsake the assembly. There have been times in my life when practically any excuse to skip church was sufficient. But as I have gotten older, and especially since Pam and I found Hope Church, it has become the highlight of our week. There is something reassuring about being together under one roof and for one purpose at a vibrant church. It’s unique in that every other meeting I attend is comprised of largely similar constituencies; investors, businessmen, brokers, advisors. But when I gather together with 700 people at the eleven o’clock service at my church, its a smorgasbord of diverse people from every background, socio-economic class, and life experience you can imagine. Honestly, the vast majority of them I don’t even know, couldn’t tell you their names if my life depended on it. In a church the size of Hope this is unavoidable. On any given Sunday Pam and I will know maybe forty people. But as I glance around the room there are flickers of recognition and camaraderie. I recognize that face. We smile at each other. Something warm is exchanged from across the room. 

When we all stand for worship and the music begins, we are all asked to leave behind the cares of the week—and this week there would have been much to leave behind—and give over our attention to prayer and the worship of God. Of the 700 people in the room many would prefer different music from what is provided. Others love the music just the way it is. But once it begins and we hear each other’s voices ringing out as one it doesn’t matter so much any more. We are reassured by the lyrics, uplifted by the melodies, reminded that all over the world at this hour hundreds of millions of voices are being raised for the same purpose. It grounds you in the moment and suddenly the burdens you entered the room with begin to lighten. We are in this together. Some lift their hands, some sway back and forth, others are solemn and still, heads bowed eyes closed, but there is freedom in this moment.

Then, the pastor shares the message, long planned, tenderly prepared, and we all hear the same words and we all respond differently. To some of us the message will be soothing. Others might take offense, still others will feel that they are the only ones in the room and the pastor’s words are meant just for them. Some will feel the discomfort of conviction, others will find hope and reassurance. Such is the complex group dynamics at play when we come together in the assembly. I will miss it. I will tune in to the live-stream and be thankful that we have the technology to do so, but I will miss the gathering together, the smiles from across the room, the delightfully discordant mixture of the corporate voice raised. Maybe next week or the week after that we will be back together. I hope so.

My Night As A Prisoner of War

People of a certain age will remember that old video we all saw in 11th grade world history class showing the black inky expansion of Nazi dominance across Europe. With ominous Wagner music pounding in the background, the Nazi menace slowly expanded into every crevice of the European map looking evil and malignant with bad intentions...

Now, all these years later, I finally know how poor little Spain felt in this picture. You see, my house, what used to be referred to as my castle, has been overrun by a pack of female invaders. I have been forced to retreat into the last foothold left to me, upstairs in my 12x10 last stand of a hideout. I have been given an eleventh hour pardon by the invaders and told that if I remain hidden, neither seen nor heard, I might be spared. What provocation brought on this naked aggression, you may be asking yourself. Let me attempt an answer.

This past week, two female members of my wife’s family—the White’s—had birthdays, my sainted Mother in Law and Pam’s kid sister, Angie who as fate would have it turned the big 50. Of course my wife simply couldn’t let such an event pass without an appropriate celebration. Thinking about this led inexorably to the seed of a plan hatched somewhere in the dark, jungle-heated corners of her brain whereby it was decided that all of the female members of the White family would come over here for a fiftieth birthday bash, sleepover  and facial party/movie night. Practically rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? 

Just before I was banished upstairs I was able to take a few pictures for the upcoming war crimes tribunal...

Gift bags...better known as munitions, or if you prefer...weapons of mass hysteria.

Provisions, featuring not one, but TWO fondue pots. Chocolate or cheese. Pick your poison.

Behold my rations. This will be exhibit A in my petition to The Hague  pursuant to my rights under the Geneva convention. Len Tuck, call your office!

Plunder.

Perhaps the cruelest cut of all are the little bags of Linder Truffles place on every bed in the house except whatever cot they have planned for me.

Although Lucy is clearly furious at this humiliating turn of fortune, she did appreciate the fact that she was given a bag of truffles and I wasn’t.

So, after the toughest week of my professional career, my reward is submission to the Imperialist Invading Force. There is no baseball to watch. No March Madness. No hockey or pro basketball. Just me and my faithful dog with the Coronavirus lurking out there waiting for me to make a mistake.

Your prayers would be appreciated.

Fight Back

Friday, at long last, is here. These are the sort of weeks that try men’s souls. You’re just trying to limp over the finish line, a week that you must simply endure because there is no alternative that doesn’t involve assuming room temperature. I don’t know about you, but whenever something monumentally disturbing happens in the world I go through several stages. First, I feel overwhelmed. Then I start scrambling for information, trying to wrap my head around events. Then I begin battling the thing. But after a while with me, its always the same, I get angry and defiant. Who the hell does this Coronavirus thing think he is coming in here and throwing my world into chaos? I’m not gonna stand for this a minute longer! I’m gonna...It’s always been my pattern. After a while I get tired of being frightened and simply get annoyed. That’s when I start cracking jokes. To some it might seem inappropriate for the gravity of the moment. Too flippant and unserious. That’s fair. But for me its my best defense. If I can make fun of something, make light of a dark thing it makes me feel empowered. This thing will not win. I will make it the brunt of jokes and bring it down to size.

We will survive this. Eventually we will get a handle on the virus and it will recede from our lives. Eventually, markets will regain their footing. When? How long will it take? I don’t know. Nobody knows. But let us not give in to despair. Let us not take on the posture of the helpless victim. Let us regain our swagger, even if it’s wearing a mask...

I got a call today from some guy trying to sell me a coffin. 

I said, “that’s the last thing I need.”

Today I was at the bank when two men walked in wearing masks.

I was so relieved when I discovered it was just a bank robbery.

What happened when the cannibal was late for the dinner party?

He was given the cold shoulder.

Imagine the Titantic with a lisp...

It’s unthinkable.

I got Yakuza and Suzuki mixed up the other day.

Now I’m in trouble with the Japanese mafia.

What do you call a Petri dish of Coronavirus?

A cancel culture.

Because of the Coronavirus, the NHL season is on ice.

What do you do with a chemist with the Coronavirus?

If you can’t Curium or Helium you must Barium.

Did you hear that Tom Hanks has Coronavirus?

BIG news. I sure hope he doesn’t castaway his career...

What do you call a You-Tuber with the Coronavirus?

Just another influenzer.

Last night my cat started with a cough.

I’m afraid he has caught the...purrrrona virus.

I took a viagra pill yesterday morning and it got stuck in my throat.

I had a stiff neck all day.

Did you hear that cows can give you the Coronavirus?

It’s fake moos.