Man, Was I Wrong!

In a recent blog entitled Handicapping The Democratic Field, I offered my opinion on what the odds were of each of the candidates winning their Party’s nomination. In light of the results from Super Tuesday, one thing is clear. I should not give up my day job.

On the plus side, I did correctly gave Amy Klobuchar the longest odds at 30:1 and she is officially gone. I did give Bernie Sanders the best odds at 5:1 and although his results weren’t what he was hoping for, he is still one of the two remaining front runners. Which leads me to my worse take...the other front runner, Joe Biden. My remarks about Uncle Joe are impossible to spin. I said:

Biden entered this contest as the odds on favorite. He alone commands the mantle of his predecessor. He alone had the establishment’s full throated backing. And he is toast. 

Apparently, there is still quite a market for very old, very white men who have lost an awful lot on their fast ball. The Democratic Party primary voters don’t seem at all put off by his rambling, incoherent stump speeches, his temporary lapses of memory, and that incandescently blinding set of white teeth. 

At this hour Elizabeth Warren, who once upon a time was actually the front runner of this race, is now reassessing her campaign. Rumors are flying that fellow left winger Bernie Sanders will offer her the VP slot to unite the progressives against Biden. But people high up in the Warren campaign were quick to point out that their candidate was not interested in the number two spot and besides, her people naturally are hesitant to enter in to agreements with white men.

Another grave error I made was in my overestimation of the candidacy of Mike Bloomberg. Although the dude spent $500,000,000 he only won one contest...American Samoa. There is an awesome joke in there somewhere.

So, now I have to contemplate a contest between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Wow. Almost beyond comprehension, if you want to know the truth. I will not attempt a prediction of the outcome. But I will say this...I better not hear any of my Trump supporting, conservative Christian friends make any disparaging remarks about Biden’s history of awkward, hands-y behavior with women down through the years. I’m thinking you guys should probably sit that one out!

Hey, maybe we’ll all get lucky and the Coronavirus will wipe us all out before we have to vote!

Nothing New Under The Sun

Pam and I have been engaged in a major cleansing of junk from our house over the past few weeks. Along with hundreds of things that took us all of two seconds to throw into the dump pile, there were other things that brought the entire effort to a standstill. Pam would come across some adorable piece of artwork from one of the kids, I would stumble across a stack of short stories and even poetry that I wrote 40 years ago. Suddenly we would be transported to another time and place, sitting cross legged on the floor lost in our memories.

Yesterday Pam found a journal entry that she had written 30 years ago on Earth Day, 1990.

First of all, Pam isn’t the journal keeper in the family, so this was a rare find. What was striking about her words were how familiar they still are 30 years later. Three decades ago, an entire generation, we were being told of pending environmental disaster, that had to be addressed within ten years or it would be too late. Doomsayers have always been with us and they have always been good at grabbing headlines and selling papers. But, I also notice positives from this journal entry. Pam said we were going to “look in to recycling” and we did. We have been recycling ever since. The fact is that we have become more aware of our responsibilities to the environment than we were in 1990...a very good thing.

I have always had my fair share of doubts about the dangers posed by climate change and global warming. I do think that the most extreme scaremongers out there have a whiff of the charlatan about them. I also think that many, but certainly not all, of the loudest voices on the environmental left are far more interested in the accumulation and consolidation of centralized political power than they are saving the planet, but that’s just me. On the other hand, I do believe that climate change is a very clear and present danger. To the extent that we can actually change the outcome favorably by changing human behavior we should make the attempt. Even if the threat is overhyped and overstated, wouldn’t it be awesome if because of the threat, we were able to find an alternative, cleaner form of energy than fossil fuel? The reason I have never bought in to anything that comes out of the doom and gloom crowd is the confidence I have always had in the creative, entrepreneurial nature of America. I have absolutely no doubt that there are men and women in garages from Buffalo to Tulsa to Albuquerque working on the next big thing right now. We have never heard of them. The advances they are perfecting are unknown to us, but one of them is destined to change the world. It has always been so throughout human history, never so much so than in these United States.

Looking at Pam’s list of changes we were planning on making on Earth day 1990, the results are mixed. We did start recycling, in fact it seems we recycle everything now. We did cut back on buying so many disposable things like plastic plates, cups and razors. Still use baggies though. The cars we drive now get much better mileage than the ones we drove 30 years ago. I have little doubt that the next car we buy will be electric and probably self driving.

But, the ten year window we had to save the planet came and went and the planet is still with us and today’s scientists still claim it’s not too late, so I suppose that’s good news.

Still, it’s a humbling thing to read something that the thirty year old version of yourself wrote all these years later and discover that not much has changed. The Old Prophet told us all those years ago...There is nothing new under the sun.

Worst. Dad Jokes. Ever.

On this fine Sunday morning, I have searched the far reaches of the internet for another batch of Dad Jokes. I feel confident that this particular collection is right down there with some of the worse I have ever produced. You’re welcome. If, on the way out, you will click on an ad it will help compensate the author for his time and reward him for his stamina...sort of like a tip jar. I will use the proceeds to defer the costs of future searches!!

My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child. To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son.

“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

“Hi, Honoured, I’m Dad.”

My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.

I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.

The Star Wars series is coming out with a new female villain. She will be able to use the force to move things up and down.

Her name will be Ella Vader.

I would make fun of necrophiliacs who are into beastiality and bdsm...

...but that would just be beating a dead horse.

Some guy broke into my garage last night and stole my limbo stick.

I mean...how low can you go?

Last week I went to a dog zoo with my kids. It only had one dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition

The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined.

Imagine all the people...

Tired of Winning

I’m getting tired of my daughter winning. Perhaps an explanation is in order.

Ever since she became a teacher in the public school system she has been winning awards. First it was first year teacher of the year finalist, then new teacher of the year when she moved to another state. After that she won district teacher of the year. Now, her school is winning awards due in no small part to her efforts in the classroom.

But, in the public school system they do things totally differently than they do in the private sector. In the private sector, when you perform at a high level they send you, all expenses paid, on exotic trips. You do a great enough job at something in the private sector and they stack dead presidents in your bank account, give you stock options and raise your pay to keep the competition from swooping in and stealing you. In the education business, when you win something you get the privilege of adding five new responsibilities to your work schedule for exactly zero additional compensation. Your school’s test scores go through the roof? Congratulations!! You get to put together an hour long power point presentation to teach all the other teachers how you did it and make your presentation on Saturday...when you were planning on grading papers. Win teacher of the year? Awesome, your reward is a three year commitment of being paraded around the district like a prize pony at the state fair giving speeches and posing for pictures...when you were planning on working on lesson plans. Then, once the administration realizes what a gifted speaker you are, you’re picked to make every presentation that comes up for the rest of your natural life.

If you’re my daughter, you do all of these things with a smile and 110% effort because that’s who you are and you know no other way to operate. You remind your father that teachers aren’t in it for the income, but rather for the outcomes. I am at a loss of how to respond to such a statement. Why in Sam Hill aren’t teachers paid more income when they produce better outcomes? Instead, public schools have a system that actually produces negative incentives for excellence. “You sure you want to be teacher of the year? I mean, it's a shiny trophy and all but it adds seven extra hours to your work week for three years.” On the other hand it will look good on your resume when you eventually burn out and start looking for a job in the private sector so you can have your weekends back.

Dumbest thing I’ve ever seen...

Out With The Old...

Yesterday morning at exactly 8 o’clock, a guy named Kory showed up at my door with two large tool boxes which he sat on my front porch. Kory, a man of few words, informed me that he and his young assistant were here to install my new carpeting. This short declarative sentence would be the only words to pass between us. I asked if there was anything he needed for me to do before I went to work to which he replied with an emphatic head shake...no. I barricaded a very nervous Lucy downstairs with a series of gates and headed into the office. Around 11:30, I returned to this...

These dudes had disassembled practically every piece of furniture upstairs and crammed it all into our bedroom. They were laying down carpet like their very lives depended on it. When Pam got home from work around 4:00, Kory and his helper were long gone, with my check for $1,150. Pam was thrilled with the result..

Of course, the big question would be...how would Miss Lucy like the new carpet? When released from her downstairs jail, she made her way warily up the stairs and began her sniffing tour, walking very slowly, tail down, ears back, looking for trouble. Despite a generally favorable reaction, we soon discovered that although the new carpet is sooo much softer and comfortable under foot than then old stuff, where does she still insist on making her headquarters???

Add It To The List

This morning, I’m up earlier than usual. Carpet installation day has arrived. The downstairs of our house looks like an episode of The Hoarders. Lucy is in high anxiety mode as a result. It promises to be a crazy day.

So, I opened one of my favorite sites on my laptop and was greeted by a screaming ad that asked the question...Worried About Your Liver?

Ok...I must here confess to you that never once in my almost 62 years have I ever given my liver a moment’s thought, so the answer is “No”. But, thanks to this provocative question at the bottom of my laptop screen I’m thinking...Wait, should I be worried about my liver? I mean, I have never been a heavy drinker, but who knows...maybe there’s some new liver threat out there that I am unaware of. I decide, oh hell, why not be worried about my liver?! I can just add my liver to the ever expanding list of body parts about which I am gravely concerned.

So far that list includes but by no means is limited to:

1. Weird bump on my left kneecap that hurts like nobody’s business when I lean it against something.

2. Three random hairs that have begun to grow on the end of my nose. I mean, what the heck?

3. The strange thing that’s going on with two toenails on my left foot.

4. Why in the name of all that is holy is my right eye all of a sudden turning on the water works?

5. Why is my back always tight, as if it is on the brink of locking up?

6. What’s the deal with this little skin fart thing that has sprouted on the back of my left thigh?

7. It is no longer tenable to say that my hearing is “fine.”

8. My left foot is home to some sort of nerve thing that burns like fire and will not allow me to point my toes outward.

9. Now, dry-mouth is becoming a thing.

10. Short term memory completely unreliable, long term memory highly selective.

11. My liver

So, thanks to the demonic parasites who inhabit Madison Avenue, I have a new concern, my heretofore blissfully ignored liver. Of course every item on my list is probably irrelevant since the Coronavirus will kill me long before that skin fart thing becomes an issue.

Lucy’s Meme

I woke up around 4:30 this morning and noticed that Lucy wasn’t sprawled out at the foot of our bed taking up every square inch of leg room like she normally is. I got up and made a trip to the bathroom, then couldn’t find her anywhere else upstairs. Odd. Not like her. So, I walked downstairs and found her messing with my laptop...

She immediately closed it and sheepishly slunk away and back up stairs while I admonished her. “How many times have I told you to leave my computer alone!!”

We both went back to bed. When I woke up at 6:30 and opened my laptop, I found this...

What am I going to do with this dog?