My New Thing

No. This is not some new age three dimensional tattoo, and no, this isn’t the latest trend in body piercing. This is a heart monitor that I will be wearing for the next two weeks. I am assured that it is the newest, most advanced version of this technology, which I am sure to be reminded of when I get the bill. 

There are two ironies at play here. First, this happens a mere 17 days before my 65th birthday, as if to remind me of my mortality. Second, all of this treatment and its resulting costs come a mere 15 days before I am covered by Medicare, as if to remind me that timing is everything. The last two weeks of my Anthem coverage will feature me meeting my $5000 annual deductible—just in time for the coverage to end without any of this costing those guys a penny!

Without going into any of the boring and inappropriate details, suffice it to say that while running five miles on March the 9th I was blindsided by a sudden and unwelcome pounding of my heart accompanied by the mother of all dizzy spells, which resulted in me on all fours on a sidewalk in Wellesley. Luckily I was only .7 miles from home, so I walked home and made a call to my old cardiologist from my heart surgery days from 20 years ago to see if I could set an appointment. The friendly receptionist informed me that my cardiologist retired over 5 years ago, which tells you just how faithful I have been to my every other year echocardiogram regime. Be that as it may, I was able to secure the appointment at a competing practice with the intervention of an emergency room doctor friend of mine, who wanted to know why I hadn't immediately gone to an emergency room or at least called 911. My answer was something along the lines of…Because that would have been the wise and prudent thing to do, and I always prefer the stupid and sketchy approach to medical surprises.

So, for the next two weeks I will wear this device, schedule a stress test, echocardiogram, and blood work, then come back to see the doctor on April 12th to find out what’s happening. In the meantime, while he approved of our trip to Cozumel, he forbade me from any running for the next 30 days. I fully expect to put on ten pounds while waiting for this odious edict to be lifted.

The beating of one’s heart is something that you are seldom aware of. Its like breathing. Back when I had that heart operation years ago it took me then longest time to get over obsessing over my heart. Every little cough or flutter would result in rising anxiety. But eventually I got over it and went back to being blissfully unaware of the functionality of my heart. Right up until March the 9th at 2:47 in the afternoon. Now, unfortunately I am right back where I was mentally 20 years ago. Every beat, every rhythm, every hiccup is magnified beyond recognition. But, I will get over this just like I did before.

But if I look ten pounds heavier the next time you see me, no wisecracks please!