How Was My Day, You Ask?

Here’s how my day went...

Woke up from a fitful night’s sleep to find the Asian markets in the toilet and our futures in the tank. Screwed on the bravest face I could muster and headed in to the office for a busy morning of two more of these virtual annual reviews via FaceTime. As you can imagine everyone’s nerves are frayed in the midst of this mess and as a result I thought it wise to forego the hijinks, asshattery and juvenile tomfoolery that I have always been associated with on this day, April 1st. It was with a heavy heart, but honestly, I just wasn’t up for it this year. In between appointments I received a text from an unknown out of area number, specifically—1-202-869-5140. I immediately think...Great, some D.C. wholesaler...

Caller: Hello, Douglas. Please reply to confirm that you are the writer of the blog The Tempest.

Me: Yes.

Caller: I represent a marketing conglomerate in the Washington, D.C. area. We track blogs that are gaining followers and page views at accelerated percentages. My Company is interested in advertising on The Tempest. Is this something you would consider?

Me: No.

At this point I figure something is odd because although he was right about The Tempest; it is gaining followers and page views, nobody in their right mind would ever admit that they work for a “marketing conglomerate”...but nevertheless, I didn’t delete the text. He persisted...

Caller: We are sorry to hear this. Is there anything we can do to make this a more appealing offer for you? Our bloggers tend to earn a minimum of $100 a month

Ok, now I’m annoyed. How cheap does this dude think I am that he can dangle a whopping $100 in front of me to close the deal??

Me: Sure, write me a check for $10,000 and publish my book.

Caller: We could potentially work with a publisher to make that happen if social media promotions for your book included ads for some of our products.

Me: ....Your products??

Caller: Here are just a few of our current priority clients...

Roto-Wipe Personal Cleansing Wheel

Nap Sack: Take a nap anywhere, anytime!

Caller: We also thought that given your age bracket and target audience, these would be a good fit as well...

Poo-Trap for dog owners

Sock Sandals

THONGIES

At this point, I figured this had to be one of my many deranged friends with a twisted sense of humor, granted, a long list, but several candidates leapt to mind...Tom Allen, Dean Horger. But then the big reveal:

Caller: Happy April Fool’s Day from your brilliant and snarky daughter!!

A mixture of surprise and great pride came over me that my oldest child went to all of the trouble to pull this one off. An instant classic. But my day wasn’t over. My wife was up to no good as well, having spent much of the morning rummaging through the attic looking for my stash of 500 ping pong balls which I have employed on multiple occasions to great effect at the office over the years. After a long and brisk walk I went to brew a cup of coffee....

Poor Lucy shot up the stairs faster than a speeding comet when ping pong balls began their noisy cascade from above. Pam got me. I suppose it’s just as well that I was the victim this year. I desperately needed the distraction. 

However, I feel obliged to remind everyone that next year, Coronavirus or no Coronavirus...I will be back and I intend to loose the dogs of prankster hell on my world!!