Gym Smells

I’ve been a three workouts a week member of American Family Fitness for the better part of twenty five years now. As someone who is very well acquainted with the inside of a gym, I understand full well that odd smells are a part of the experience. Everywhere you turn there is one malodorous assault after another. After a while you get used to it. Your olfactory glands become accustomed to the rotten sneakers, the gym bag that smells like a dumpster, and that one guy who applies his favorite musk cologne by the handfuls. But yesterday I was introduced to something new. 

I am a creature of habit when it comes to my workout routine. After my workout I always do the same thing—I spend fifteen minutes in the steam room, then swim a couple of laps in the pool before my shower. Yesterday was no different. I walked into the sauna and was alone, a rarity. Ahh, the sauna. At AmFam the sauna is like a Petri dish of bizarre smells. One day you go in there and some guy has put drops of eucalyptus oil in the blower so the place smells like a cough drop with BO. The next day it’s back to normal...like morning at the beach on a day when a dead whale has washed up on shore.

So, I endure my fifteen minutes then head towards the pool. AmFam has a wonderful pool facility. There’s a lap pool, a separate pool for water classes, a third pool for kids and a huge whirlpool. Very nice. Usually when I open the door I am greeted with that acidic smell of chlorine with an inescapable dash of sweating men. But yesterday was different. Whoa!!! What the heck happened in here, I thought. Surely, there must have been an accident of some sort, perhaps someone had expired after some horrific gastrointestinal disaster. I looked around and saw only five other souls in the place, none of whom seemed terribly distressed. So, I went about my business, swam my laps then parked myself in a chair to rest before heading to the showers. But try as I might, I couldn’t get used to this smell. Truly horrible. So, I beat a hasty retreat, took my shower and headed home. Before I left I did something I very seldom do. I stopped by the front desk to get the story behind...the smell. One of the perky front desk peeps smiled at me and asked if he could help me with anything. I said, “Dude, what in the world is up with that terrible smell in the pool??”

Front Desk Guy: Excuse me? 

Me: The pool area smells horrible. What happened?

Front Desk Guy: Really? I haven’t heard any complaints. What kind of smell is it?

At this point, I hesitated. I could have used any number of words to describe what I had experienced, but I had to be careful. We have lots of members from all over the world at AmFam, and I didn’t want to run afoul of the sensitivity police. I know that we all put off different scents. I’ve heard that westerners smell funny to Asians because of how many dairy products we eat etc, etc. So, I had to tread carefully. But, as is so often the case with me...

Me: What kind of smell was it, you say? It’s like...someone went to the World’s Fair, walked into the International Cafe and tried every spicy dish on the Southern Hemisphere buffet, then had diarrhea.

Front Desk Guy: .....wait, what?

Me: It’s like one of the prisoners from Cool Hand Luke, after working all day tarring that road, walks into a Turkish bathhouse, eats a dozen tins of sardines, then lets out a fifteen second fart.

Front Desk Guy: (suddenly convulses with laughter) Well, Doug, I can assure you that I will personally go check this out, and I am sorry you had a bad experience.

Me: I didn’t have nearly as bad an experience as the poor dude responsible for that smell!

Actually, after reading back over this, I’m not sure I needed to write an entire blog about this, but, it’s Friday and what’s done is done.

Have a great weekend, everyone.