Nineteen hours ago this very moment, Pam and I were
walking across the parking lot after church basking in sunshine, a light breeze
and the warmth of 73 glorious degrees. This morning I was awakened by the
tingling of sleet against my bedroom window. By the time I climb into bed this
evening, I’m told that there will be 6-8 inches of snow on the ground and the temperature
will be in the single digits. It is March the 3rd. If I were a Democratic
Party politician I would be tempted to launch into an unhinged climate change diatribe. Although that
Democratic politician and I have one thing in common, (neither of us knows the
first thing about the science behind climate change), I will resist the urge to
confuse causation with correlation and simply say, “Wow, this weather really
sucks.”
I had two appointments scheduled this morning in my
office which have both canceled. There will be nearly an inch of freezing rain
and sleet on the roads by the time the temperature is expected to drop over 15
degrees in less than two hours around mid-morning, producing something called a
flash-freeze on road services. This is meteorology-talk for “skating
rink.” Then the snow is scheduled to begin.
I find myself on the horns of a dilemma. A
reasonable man would look outside and hunker down with a cup of hot cocoa and call
it a day. I am a famously unreasonable man. I look out of my window at these hideous
conditions and think, “I’ve got to get out of here!” After 30 years of marriage,
my wife knows better than to argue with me on this point. She just rolls her
eyes and yells, “Well, will you at least run by the grocery store while you’re
out, you crazy person!”
My condition is often referred to as cabin fever. But how can you have cabin
fever when you’ve only been awake for thirty minutes? No, this isn’t cabin fever;
it’s more like stubborn rebellion. Every time I hear officials warning everyone
to stay off the roads, or don’t venture out unless you absolutely, positively have to, I think to myself, “Why are
these people telling me what to do? Who do they think they are?? I am a free
man, and if I want to venture outside, no pin-headed government geek is going
to stop me. This is America, for crying out loud! Did Lewis & Clark stay
inside when the weather got bad? Did Wilbur & Orville hunker down at the
first sight of storm clouds? Did the Donner party let a bunch of weather
busy-bodies at the NWS keep them at home..er, no wait.
Anyway, standing at my Palladian window watching the
ice pellets sliding down the roof, filling up the gutters, I know what I have
to do. At some point very soon, I will take a shower, eat breakfast, then come
up with some lame excuse for having to go into the office. Luckily, it’s only 2
miles away. I will back Pam’s car out of the garage and disappear from the
neighborhood, (even I’m not stupid enough to take my car!) A couple of hours later I will return from my adventures
in vastly improved spirits, secure in the knowledge that I can venture out onto
the roads any danged time I want to and nobody from the government is going to
stop me.
‘Merica!
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