Good Evening.
Two weeks ago, we are reasonably sure that Bashir
Assad used chemical weapons on his own people killing over a thousand of them
including women and children. I made the decision to authorize a military
response to this heinous act. But then, after Prime Minister Cameron lost his
authorization vote in Parliament, I took a walk after dinner and came to the
decision that I probably should get Congress to put a fig leaf of
constitutionality on the thing by voting their approval. Well, since then, I
have taken another walk and tonight am announcing my decision to call the whole
thing off.
Alright, here’s the thing. Although I am one hell of
an orator and probably the best communicator to ever occupy this office, the
truth is that I’m much better with prepared remarks. Whenever I just start yakking
and yammering on extemporaneously, I end up getting screwed. Which brings me to
this whole “red line” thing. See, that’s a perfect example of what I’m talking
about. All I was doing was trying to sound tough and serious about a
hypothetical use of chemical weapons. The term “red line” is perfect since it
suggests seriousness and alarm. Well, who would have thought that such an
off-handed remark would come back with such vengeance to bite me in the ass.
I hope that it has been clear to you that I have
never really wanted to go to war with freaking Syria. It’s soooo Bush-esk,
complete with iffy intelligence, and those insufferable Code Pink women holding
up their stupid bloody hands while Lurch was trying to make the case to that
Senate committee the other day. It’s embarrassing. But, because of me and my
big mouth, I found myself in one helluva bind. My worst mistake was flying over
to Sweden and blaming the red line thing on some 75 year old treaty and trying
to insinuate that it wasn’t even my red line. I mean the minute it came out of
my mouth I knew it sounded whiny, but what’s done is done.
So, as President, sometimes you just have to admit
defeat. It’s clear that the American people don’t want to get involved in
Syria, and although I could probably round up plenty of Republican neo-con
votes, I’ve put the folks in my party in quite a bind since none of them ever
want to go to war for anything. The other day I even had Howard Dean sounding
like a hawk. It’s all just too much.
So, tonight, I say to you, the American people that
I have heard you and I get it. There will be no attack on Syria. This in no way
should be interpreted as tacit approval for genocide, just an acknowledgment that
a couple of days of cruise missile launches isn’t going to make a hill of beans
difference on the ground in that God-forsaken hell hole, and honestly, I would
rather concentrate on funding Obamacare and granting amnesty to 12 million
illegal immigrants.
God bless you and God bless the United States of
America.
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