The End of Isolation

Yesterday, for the first time in almost 14 months, my big, fat, goofy family got together for a gathering at my sister’s house. No masks, no social distancing, and no politics. It was supposed to be a picnic, but it was freezing cold outside so Linda somehow shoehorned 20 of us around her ginormous kitchen table.

The kid’s table in the back left corner was especially rowdy and obnoxious, but they have all earned their rowdiness, having endured a year of virtual education. And because it was Memorial Day, Linda supplied all the patriotic decor. A couple of speeches about family members who paid the ultimate price to preserve our freedom were made. The food was spectacular. There were burgers and dogs of course, but also plenty of old family favorites like the aptly named pink fluff, (a concoction that our Scottish import Ruaridh can’t bring himself to try), and Nanny’s old ice cream cake. But mostly the afternoon and evening were spent hugging each other, it having been so long since we had been together. In this regard we are very lucky. Most families this large and diverse don’t get along as well as we do and would have considered an 18 month pandemic induced separation a godsend! For us it felt like an interminable and unholy thing.

After dinner we all gathered out on the deck and enjoyed a fire and several slices of ice cream cake. A thousand conversations were had, jokes were cracked, unmerciful teasing and exaggerated tales of family lore broke out like mushrooms after a week of rain...

Its funny how much my brother Donnie has begun to look like Dad recently. I’m glad. Makes me miss him a little less. Mom and Dad were surely smiling down on us yesterday. This was the kind of thing they lived for.

Not everyone was able to make it. My kids and their spouses were missing. So was Donnie and Baby’s son Sean, as well as our west coast operation of Lauren and Catherine.

But this was special. Someone made the observation of how grateful we should be for all the brilliant scientists, doctors and nurses who worked their fingers to the bone keeping us safe and finding the needle in the hay stack vaccine that made this day possible. Yes. God bless them everyone.

WARNING: Attempt at Humor Ahead

There is no getting around the fact that we are living in the Age of Woke. I have no idea whether it is a passing fancy or the wave of the future. To hear some people tell the story Wokeness is merely good manners and greater sensitivity to the feelings of our fellow man/women/ persons of more esoteric gender classification. To others its a minefield of new rules of human interaction where one false word can land you in a three week sensitivity class. A little like walking on eggshells in your Birkenstocks. Nowhere is this tension more acutely felt than in the arena of humor, or in my case...attempts at humor.

Yesterday, for example, I tried out a joke on my much more hip and with it executive assistant, Kristin:

Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?

Because she couldn’t control her pupils!

Kristin’s response was sure and swift, “You’re not gonna put that on Facebook are you? Please tell me you didn’t post that on Facebook!”

So, as a result of the hyper sensitive atmosphere that pervades the public spaces these days, much internal debate has gone on inside my head about publishing what follows:

I personally find this cartoon hilariously funny. Maybe its because I grew up in the world of Loony Tunes. Elmer Fudd was always a personal favorite. However, practically all of the laughs his character generated were at the expense of his speech defect, and as I understand the new rules, making fun of any sort of disability is frowned upon in Woke circles. So, I thought long and hard about what I should do...willy, willy hard. In the end I decided to go with it because its just a great strip.

If that makes me a waskle, so be it!

At Least We’re Not Mexico

I have often bemoaned the sorry state of political discourse in this country. I have also complained here many times about the rancor and partisan bitterness that has overwhelmed our politics. Well...at least we’re not Mexico!

“On June 6, Mexico will celebrate the largest subnational election in its history since there are 500 federal lawmakers, 15 governorships, 30 local congresses, and 1,900 city councils to be elected,” so states a story in a Mexican magazine article I read this morning. Apparently, the Mexican election season is even longer and more ridiculous than ours since it is reported that candidates have been been running in this election since early 2020. But the headline of this particular article was what caught my attention. So far 88 politicians have been killed.

Think about that for a minute. We probably haven’t had 88 politicians assassinated in the entire 245 year history of the Republic. And I thought we were the ones with the gun problem?! For many years now the nation of Mexico has been governed not by politicians at all but rather a confederacy of drug gangs and cartels. One can only assume that the cartels are taking out any candidates they view as hostile to their interests ahead of time, not willing to take a chance on the vagaries of the democratic process. But...88?? In America, a mob of a couple thousand disgruntled MAGA fanboys storm the capital and the entire country recoils in anger at the desecration. In Mexico, candidates for public office have been dropping like flies for months and this is the first I’m hearing about it.

Maybe our politics isn’t as bad as I thought.

Happy Birthday to the Buena Vista Flash

It turns out that three really special people in my life share this day, May 25, as the day of their birth. My son Patrick, the fearless leader of our small group at Hope Church, Chip (the Chipster) Hewette, and my dear friend, Pam Cole, the Buena Vista Flash. Regular readers of this space know Pam as the woman who was given a scary cancer diagnosis nearly two years ago now. Back at the beginning I made a promise that I would send her Dad Jokes every day until she got better. These jokes served several purposes, but primarily it gave me an excuse to chat with her every day. More importantly, it served as excellent training, serving as it did to toughen her up for the difficult days of chemo. She figured that if she could endure three of my jokes every day, how bad could chemo be?

On her birthday I would like to acknowledge her epic victory over the insidious enemy of cancer. While there may be no such thing as “back to normal” as a cancer survivor, Pam has made it through every phase of her treatment like a boss and is now getting back to the business of living her life. Along the way she has been carried along by an amazingly devoted husband, two wonderful kids and a bunch of grandchildren who think that she hangs the moon. She has also benefitted from a team of supporting and loyal friends. She has benefited from the skills of a team of brilliant doctors and nurses at UVA. But an awful lot of readers of The Tempest who have never even met her have spent much time praying for her recovery. You have asked me for updates on her condition and have eagerly kept up with her progress. I thank each and every one of you for that.

So, I warned Pam that I was going to embarrass her with a Facebook birthday salute via The Tempest, and asked her to send a current picture. She said she didn’t have any good ones, her hair is still too short, yada yada yada... but she finally sent this one which was taken this past Sunday before she and her grandkids and Johnny headed out to the lake for the day...

Trust me, underneath the brim of that cap are two very happy eyes!

Phil Freaking Mickelson

Professional golf gets my attention four times a year, during the playing of the four majors. I can be counted on to faithfully watch The Masters, The U.S. Open, The British Open and the PGA Championship. The rest of the time I wouldn’t be caught dead. Why the majors? Because that’s when the very best players compete, the courses they play on are insanely difficult, and history is being made. Nobody cares who wins the Waste Disposal Open, but you win the British Open and you’re set for life. So yesterday there I was on the edge of my seat watching 50 year old Phil Mickelson trying to win his 6th major title. Literally...on the edge of my seat...

 

Phil Mickelson. In the golf world players are about the most boring people on the planet. Sure, there are exceptions like the mercurial brilliance of Tiger Woods or the brutish power and eccentricity of Bryson DeChambeau. But there is nobody like Phil Mickelson...unpredictable, affable, goofy, thumbs-upping the gallery after every decent shot Phil Freaking Mickelson. He is that rarest of commodities, an entertaining golfer. Watching him trying to win a golf tournament can be excruciating because the man is capable of anything. The same guy who can hole out from a green side bunker can also be counted on to duck-hook a drive into the water at any moment. Even yesterday when he was up by three with three holes to play I’m thinking his chances were 50/50. But then, with all the pressure in the world on him, he steps up to the16th tee and hits the longest drive of his career, a 366 yard bomb that split the fairway. His playing partner, Brooks Koepka was literally in diapers when Phil Mickelson won his first tournament. It must have galled him to be consistently out driven by the old guy. Did I, as a 63 year old who sometimes grows tired of hearing how better the newest version of everything is over anything that came before, take vicarious pleasure in seeing Phil sticking it to all those flat-bellies? You bet I did.

Making Allowances

I don't know about you but sometimes I get some of my most interesting thoughts about important things while cutting the grass. Today was no exception. But I’m about to do something that is probably not a very good idea and that is...write about an idea before I have taken the time to think it through. I’m doing this so I can remember the idea while it is still fresh in my mind. If the reader finds logical inconsistencies in what follows it should not come as a surprise to anyone. The subject at hand is the notion of making allowances and how when we do, life is much more pleasant and agreeable and when we don’t we get modern life in America.

Only the most rigid and inflexible among us don’t ever make allowances. Some of us make more allowances than others. But we all make them. Here are the three examples that ran through my mind as I was using my string trimmer on the edges of my back yard mulch beds:

EXAMPLE NUMBER 1:

You are settling in to your seat for a four hour cross country flight when you notice a row of extremely loud, obnoxious blowhards sitting across the aisle. It’s four of them, all in their early 30’s and even though its only 8 am in the morning they are already harassing the flight attendant for bloody Mary’s. To make matters worse they are making rude and sexist remarks about every female passenger who walks past them. Imagining what your next four hours are going to be like, what do you do? I can’t speak for you but I would attempt to put a stop to this...like, this instant! First I would confront the idiots as politely as possible and if that didn’t work I would try my famous sarcasm and mockery. But the point is, I would at least try to do something about their abhorrent behavior. 

But, suppose you’re getting on that flight and instead of semi-literate A-Holes, you discover that a young single Mom and her two out of control toddlers plop down across the aisle. You notice that in addition to the toddlers, the woman is holding an infant who begins to scream out her discontent. The thought of spending the next four hours next to this is just as disconcerting as the earlier group. So, what do you do? If you’re a decent human being you make allowances. You don’t complain to the flight attendant. You don’t confront the frantic mom and demand that she get her kids under control. I would like to think I would react like the man flying in first class a while ago who I read about. When he heard all the commotion of screaming babies back in coach he got up from his seat and walked back to find the single mom. He saw that she was in great distress so he introduced himself with a kind, understanding smile, then suggested that perhaps he could help with the infant. It seemed that as a brand new grandfather himself he had quite the knack of getting fussy babies to fall asleep. The exhausted mother, grateful for any help at that point handed her baby to the kind man with white hair and a beautiful silk tie along with a burb towel. After a five minute walk up and down the aisle of the plane, the baby was fast asleep. When the man returned to give the baby to his mother he found that she was asleep as well. So, he kept walking the aisle, not wanting to wake either of them. Everyone on the plane suddenly became invested in this beautiful moment of grace and humanity. In other words, everyone made allowances for the young mother.

EXAMPLE NUMBER 2:

You live in a wonderful neighborhood and you love your home. Then one day some new neighbors move in. They are a middle aged couple with no children and no pets and seem nice enough, but it takes no time at all for you to discover that they are both slobs. Within weeks of moving in they have transformed their yard into what looks like a bomb went off in the middle of a yard sale. Its an epic eyesore and the entire neighborhood notices. Soon complaints are made to the Home Owners association and the battle eventually gets joined by your new neighbor’s contentious lawyer who claims that their third world mess is an expression of their free speech rights.

But, suppose instead that your new neighbors are a young couple with three young kids all under the age of 10. They are all adorable and full of life and unlike many kids their age, they spend every spare moment outside doing the same things you did when you were a kid. Before long, their yard is strewn with bikes, balls, games, stuffed animals etc etc...the place always looks like every kid in the county just had a sleep over! So, what do you do? You make allowances. You don’t fuss at them to clean up their yard. You don’t call the Home Owners Association. They’re kids doing kid things. Instead, you lean into it. You learn to love them AND their stuff. They end up loving you in return.

EXAMPLE NUMBER 3:

You’re at church on Sunday morning in your familiar seat when you notice an odd sight. A man has just entered the sanctuary dressed in filthy clothes, smelling of whisky and rotten fish. His eyes are bloodshot, his hair dirty and disheveled. He looks like he’s at the end of his rope and about as out of place as Bernie Sanders at a Chamber of Commerce picnic. If this man, after closer inspection, turns out to be your senior pastor, your church is in heap big trouble. 

But, suppose that the man is just a guy at the end of his rope who has never set foot in a church before and out of desperation has walked into yours? What do you do? Hopefully, you make allowances. You don’t tell the guy that he needs to clean up and buy some decent clothes and try again next week. You maybe even ask him to sit beside you. Who knows what this guy has gone through. So, you make allowances.

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As I’m cutting the grass all of this is going through my head. There were plenty other examples...we make allowances for disabled people by building ramps, we make allowances for kids who don’t speak English in school by using English as a second language tools to help them along. When we see old ladies struggling with revolving doors, we stop what we are doing to see to it that she gets through. We make allowances all the time. Only, in America we never seem to make allowances anymore when it comes to politics or race. Even writing about it has become risky. You can actually lose friends over a political opinion these day. But its even worse with race. For example...

Nobody likes Affirmative Action. Seriously, nobody. Even those who have benefitted from it always know that everyone around them knows they were a quota hire and probably got the job over a more qualified candidate. The pressure of that can’t be a lot of fun. The reason we don’t like it is that we prefer to think that we live in a merit-based society. We certainly hope that the guy who designed the bridge we are driving over wasn’t a quota hire!! But, anyone who has a basic understanding of history acknowledges that for many many years blacks and other minorities were discriminated against in hiring practices in every industry imaginable. The deleterious effects of those years of exclusion are still felt by many minorities today. As I understand it, Affirmative Action essentially was an attempt to make allowances for the injuries of the past by giving those in the present a leg up. Although I think it was a bad program which has probably done at least as much harm as good, I am in total agreement with the idea behind it...making allowances. I get it and if Affirmative Action has flaws, I say fix them or try something new. 

With regards to politics we have become a nation where compromise has somehow been transformed into a character flaw. Anyone who proposes to find some sort of common ground across our political divides is accused of being a sell-out. This is largely a result of the demonization of the Left by the Right and the Right by the Left. It’s been going on for years and it has to stop or we will end up killing ourselves as a nation. As a conservative, libertarian man I naturally recoil from those who propose the empowerment of government to solve all of our ills. But cannot I make allowance for the fact that those on the Left see things like Social Security and Medicare as great achievements for the betterment of life in America. Because of these successes, its only natural that they would lean towards government solutions. It doesn’t mean that they want to enslave the country and send us all to reeducation camps. Cannot those on the left make allowances for the fact that conservatives and libertarians have good historical reasons for being suspicious of centralized power and that deficit spending and endless stacks of government debt might not be a viable option for our grandchildren? It doesn’t mean we hate poor people and don’t want paved streets. Can we not try to understand and empathize with the foundational motivating principles of each side and use the best of both to forge a middle way? If so, we can only do so if we all...make allowances.

Taxes and Texas

Here’s a subject that will send most of you to the delete button...taxes, specifically taxes and fairness. Before I begin this particular sermon I probably should declare my biases. I am an old school budgetary hawk. I hate deficits and deficit spending. I am for lower taxes, a far more simple system than the one we currently employ, and in general would prefer that people get off the public dole. For someone who believes these things, the current environment of trillion dollar spending sprees coming out of Washington feels like a horror movie. Indeed, the past decade has seen our National debt double to a mind-blowing 22 TRILLION dollars. It is incomprehensible.

But here’s my problem, it’s difficult to talk about our national finances without it turning into an austere and arrogant put-down of recipients of welfare. While the welfare apparatus in this country is a hot mess of disincentives and unintended consequences that is in desperate need of top to bottom reform, at least it has the noble intention of trying to help...individual human beings navigate the sometimes catastrophic vagaries of modern life. What really sends my blood pressure skyward isn’t the existence of welfare cheats. What turns me into a raving lunatic is the welfare that gets thrown around to rich people and insanely profitable corporations. Although I could choose among literally thousands of examples to illustrate this outrage, lets just talk about energy and the state of Texas.

Thirty years ago The Texas legislature unanimously passed an enormous tax break and subsidy to the oil business, the natural gas business to be precise. Back then these natural gas wells were considered difficult and chancy propositions and very hard to develop. What was needed, argued slick lawyers for the oil industry was to slash the tax on natural gas wells. The bill was passed unanimously. Back then Texas only got around 3% of its gas from natural gas so the “cost” of this tax giveaway to the Texas treasury was insignificant. Then fracking technology revolutionized the extraction of natural gas to the point where today 61% of all gas produced in Texas is natural gas. But guess what? That tax break is still on the books and costs each Texas family $169 dollars a year.

With delicious irony, last week lobbyists from the Oil Business started their whining campaign against subsidies for the renewable energy business being debated in the Texas legislature. 

What the actual hell???

I thought the business community was against planned economies? I thought conservatives were against the government trying to pick winners and losers in the free market?? No, big business is fine with government subsidies for themselves, just not so much for their competition!

Of course, this mess only exists because of a 500 million page tax code that gets mined for freebies 24/7 by expensive lawyers for the well connected. A flat tax with NO DEDUCTIONS for ANYTHING would wipe out all the cronyism overnight...but that’s an argument for another day.

So, by all means, lets reform welfare. But how about we start by kicking the Oil Business off the public dole?