Keeping an eye out for Zombie-teachers

Ok, so last night my daughter and her husband FaceTimed their mother. This has become customary on Mother’s Day. Both of our kids place a call to their mother at some point during the day, their faces pop up on the screen and Pam makes do with this weary technological substitute. Earlier in the day, my son and daughter-in-law called from the front porch of their new home, still in their church clothes on a gorgeous sunny day in Nashville. By the time we got the call from Kaitlin and Jon, the family which had been gathered at our house for lunch had gone home, and we had just sat down for a snack supper. Her timing was impeccable.

Anyway, during our thirty minute conversation, Kaitlin casually mentioned that she had recently gone to Target to buy a pair of sunglasses. Now, ordinarily, this bit of news would have been unremarkable, but when she shared what had precipitated the purchase of new sunglasses, it became quite hilarious. My daughter, the one with the master’s degree in English Literature, master teacher, and official smarty-pants, had been astonished to learn upon looking into a random mirror that she had been walking around wearing a pair of sunglasses with only…one lense. She wasn’t sure how long she had been wearing these sunglasses but her best guess was weeks rather than days. Now, at this point I should point out that it is May, teachers everywhere are frantic, bedraggled, and have come to resemble the zombies of the apocalypse. But still…we found it unbelievable that she could have worn such defective sunglasses and not been aware of their defectiveness. Furthermore, how could her fellow teachers not have noticed and said something like, “Yo, Manchester. Your sunglasses are like, missing a lens. you look stupid.” Then, she sent us photographic proof…

Of course, because she has me for a father, I couldn’t let it go. After she had ended the FaceTime call, I started a text back and forth…

The lesson here is for all of you parents of school aged children out there. During the waning days of the school year be especially sensitive to the emotional and physical well being of the teachers in your life. If you see one of them staggering around at the grocery store bumping into things or see one of them trying to get in to the wrong car in a parking lot…or wearing pirate sunglasses, come along side them and offer some encouragement.

Pre-Dawn Dad Jokes

Sometimes when you wake up at 4:22 in the morning, open your iPad and see your country ripping itself apart over yet another contentious social issue it makes you want to write a long impassioned plea for clarity and understanding, hoping to build consensus and foster accommodation and compromise between your countrymen. This is not one of those times.

My friend tried to annoy me with bird puns when I realized…toucan play that game.

What’s the world’s best invention? Window blinds—without them it would be curtains for everyone.

Teacher: How much room is needed for fifteen grams of fungi to grow?

Student: As mushroom as possible.

Teacher: What did the completion of the $3 billion Palace of Versailles make King Louis XIV?

Student: Baroque.

A woman got on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “Why, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The stunned woman went to the back of the bus fuming. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “I can’t believe it! That bus driver just insulted me!” The man replied, “You go right back up there and tell him off—go ahead, I’ll hold your dog for you.”

A defense attorney was speaking to his client, who was accused of murder. The attorney says, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” Asked the accused. “The bad news is, your fingerprints are all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Well, your cholesterol is 130.”

One morning at a bank, a robber pulled out a gun, pointed it at the teller and says, “Give me your money or you’re…geography!!” The confused teller asks, “Did you mean to say, ‘or you’re history’?” The robber replied, “Don’t change the subject!”

A women was sitting at the funeral of her recently deceased husband. A man leaned toward her and asked, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

The woman replied, “No, go right ahead.”

The man then stands up and clears his throat and says, “PLETHORA.” Then sits back down.

“Thanks,” the woman says. “that means a lot.”

Professor Kirke: What are you doing in that wardrobe?

Lucy: Narnia business.

Florence: I was so unpopular in school that they used to call me “Batteries”.

Larry: What was that?

Florence: Because I was never included…

A thief comes upon a well dressed man, jabs a pistol in his ribs and says, “Give me your money!”

The gentlemen says, “You can’t do this,. I’m a United States Congressman!”

The thief says, “Well, in that case, give me my money.”

Teacher: Did you copy this essay about the Black Death off of the internet?

Student: Yes. I’m sorry. I am a bubonic plague-a-rist….

My ex-wife still misses me…

But her aim is getting better.

Congressman: I think I’m going to try the charm offensive

Constituent: Well,. I think you’re already halfway there.

Oh boy….

This morning brought terrible news to anyone who has grown weary of the factionalism, discord and division that has overtaken life in America over the past several years. With the overnight leak of a first draft of a pending Supreme Court decision which would overturn Roe v. Wade, we are about to enter in to the mother of all culture war battles that will make the unrest that followed the murder of George Floyd look like a walk in the park. If you, on the other hand, love shrieking, unhinged invective, absurd street theatrics, spittle spewing diatribes on cable television, weeping news anchors and traffic clogging demonstrations…you are in for the time of your life!

Then there’s this…

I’m not sure I have ever seen a more telling, ironic, and hilariously absurd photograph than this one. Whoever snapped this deserves a Pulitzer. (Do they give Pulitzers for photography?). This is our former Secretary of State attending the 2022 Met Gala. She looks absolutely radiant, beaming from ear to ear wearing a stunning gown that no doubt cost a zillion dollars. In the background, a line of photographers are capturing the moment, while an African American attendant is busy spreading out the train of her dress—all fully masked—while Mrs. Clinton flashes her perfect white teeth for the cameras.

I’ll just leave this here…

The Month of May

May has arrived and I couldn’t be happier. For me this month represents several important things, all of them good. First of all, its the month when my work load begins to lighten. Through the first four months of the year I will have conducted 60 client reviews and everything that goes along with that responsibility. No, its not splitting the atom difficult or stonemason hard, but its no walk in the park either, especially during a time of stock market volatility. In May that tight coil in my stomach begins to contract a bit and I am grateful for the relief.

But in my family May is something else. Its the month of celebration. My daughter was born on the 11th. Thirty eight years ago on the 19th, I married her mother. My son was born on the 25th. Three of the greatest days of my life, crammed into two short weeks. As a bonus there’s Mother’s Day and Memorial Day. The weather becomes dependably warm in May allowing us to set out plants and vegetables. May marks the renewal of hostilities between myself and the squirrel population of Wythe Trace, an event marked with great pageantry in my backyard, and the sight of Jamie gathering her kids close next door…Be careful, kids. Mister Doug is at it with the squirrels again!!

The baseball season kicks into high gear during the month of May. The flashes in the pan of April get exposed and we find out who can play and who can’t. The 2022 season will for me be a long one, with my Red Sox looking to be the fourth best team in their division, while my Nationals will be competing with the Reds and Orioles for the coveted title of Major League baseball’s worst team. But sometimes being the fan of a bad team has its own rewards—the camaraderie of misery.

May is also the month where I begin referring to my escape to Maine being, just around the corner. By May the first I’ve paid both halves of the rent, I’ve booked the kayaks and I start sending giddy texts to Tif at On The Water In Maine, warning her of our impending arrival. She tries her best to calm me down, Geez Doug, its eight weeks from now!! Settle down, cowboy!”

Mother’s Day is hard for me. Ever since Mom passed away ten years ago, the day brings a touch of melancholy…after ten years. 

Memorial Day is nice in that it heralds the beginning of summer.

So, yeah, the month of May is a delightful one around here with much to look forward to.

What’s in it for you?

College Loan Forgiveness

Here are just a few random thoughts banging around in my head on this Friday morning:

Worried about the stock market? Its like my proctologist told me last week, “This too shall pass.”

I’ve been hearing a lot about college loan forgiveness lately. It’s a very complicated issue the results of which could have some positive and some negative effects. But whenever this issue comes up I think about the 20 year old prospective lobsterman in Maine. Stay with me!

For some reason, many young men from Maine aspire to one day become lobstermen, owning their own boat and everything, despite it being one of the most physically demanding and dangerous jobs in America. But the State of Maine makes it extremely difficult to do. First, the kid has to enter a two year apprenticeship, providing evidence of a minimum of 1,000 hours of work therein. Then he has to be sponsored by an existing lobsterman, then he has to submit a lengthy and costly application, after which he must wait—sometimes years—before being granted a license. But to make serious money as a lobsterman, you really need to have your own boat, an even costlier obstacle. But even after buying the boat, becoming a successful lobsterman will require a lifetime of grueling work. Those who make it through this gauntlet of training and bureaucracy can make a six figure income—a rarity in Maine. Those who are unfortunate enough to get injured lose everything. So…what does this have to do with forgiving college debt?

Are there any plans in Washington to forgive the $80,000 loan this 20 year old kid from Maine took out to buy that lobster boat? Why not? Is the profession of lobsterman not as valuable to Americans than that of investment banker, lawyer, architect, physician, teacher, salesman?

I fully acknowledge the fact that the cost of a college education has gone up to ridiculous heights over the years, partly because we have convinced millions of high school kids that anything short of a college education will render them unemployable, but mostly because universities are governed as much by greed as any other giant business. I also fully acknowledge that predatory lending practices in the college tuition space have been epidemic and shameful. Additionally, it is a huge problem for our economy that an entire generation have found themselves burdened with college debt to the point where they have opted out of the consumerism that is vital for our continued economic vitality. So, I am open to some form of relief. However, I find it particularly galling that the same government which helped CREATE the problem by making cheap loans available to practically anyone who could fog a mirror are now stepping in to fix the problem they were instrumental in creating!

Then there is the issue of fairness. My understanding of the plan being proposed by Senators Sanders and Warren are that the loan forgiveness will be blankit and NOT means tested which current forgiveness and forbearance plans are. That struggling teacher with $50,000 of college debt making $45,000 a year will get her loan forgiven—-but so will that young podiatrist making $200,000 with $100,000 worth of debt. In addition, the fact of the matter is that this debt forgiveness plan will go down in history as one of the biggest tax-payer giveaways to upper middle class white people since the mortgage interest deduction! The vast majority of the beneficiaries of this largesse will be white kids from suburbia. Once its done, what possible objection can anyone make to whatever reparation package gets introduced for African Americans? I can hear old Al Sharpton now, “So you guys were more than happy to bail out all the white kids with college loans but nobody wants to hand out $50,000 payments to black folks??”

Which brings me back to my lobsterman. What about him and people like him, men and women who decided against college in favor of a trade? Kids who decided to become electricians, plumbers, carpenters, roofers, truck drivers and…lobstermen? Did none of them have to take on debt?

I am not persuaded that blanket debt forgiveness is the answer. I would prefer targeted relief for those most hamstrung by the debt load, using some formula of amount of debt in relation to income etc..As far as those parents like me who financed our kids education? What about us? That’s in the past. There’s nothing that can be done about that. To resent the fact that this relief came too late to help me is both foolish and petty.

Blanket debt relief sets up an already overdrawn government as the savior, the Santa Claus of last resort. It also pays off the debts of both the wise and the foolish, that plucky kid from the projects desperate for a better life along with the entitled and pampered kid from Connecticut who spent $150,000 getting a French Poetry degree and partying like a rock star for six glorious years.

What could possibly go wrong?

Administrative Assistant Day

Today is Administrative Assistant Day, or rather yesterday was. Luckily for me, the estimable Kristin Reihl was off yesterday since I naturally forgot. For the past eight or nine years (maybe ten), it has been Kristin’s job to see to it that I not forget stuff. No one in America has more job security than Kristin Reihl. A few observations are in order.

Kristin is very much a no nonsense, self-starting, blunt instrument kind of person. Never will she use long flowery sentences when telling me of one of my many mistakes when a simple, “You’re dumb” will suffice. Others will know her as the fiery red head unofficial mayor of Ashland, but around here she is known as the woman who keeps Dunnevant out of jail.

Over the years I have noticed something kinda creepy about her though. Although Kristin and Pam are so different in so many ways, there is an almost cosmic connection between the two when it comes to an alarming number of things. I will start describing something I did or plan to do and she will flash me one of her famous eye rolls and blurt out almost the exact words that Pam blurted out when I described it to her the previous day! In other words, when it comes to my sketchy ideas, the two of them form a monolithic alliance in opposition to me! Its almost like a conspiracy, if I must say so. It goes something like this:

Me: So, I decided to cut the grass, then go for a four mile run on the hottest day of the year yesterday.

Pam: You are an idiot.

Kristin: You are a f***ing idiot

But, aside from this annoyance, Kristin has proven her worth to me a thousand times over since the day I hired her. Pam lives in constant fear that one day Kristin will decide to quit. So do I.

Seriously, it is a rare thing to have an employee who turns out to be a dear and trusted friend. Lucky me.

Order

Spend four days helping your kids move into their new house and you learn some things about yourself. For me it was this…I had no idea how much I crave order.

The process of purchasing a home, then moving clear across town from an old apartment to a new place is one of the most stressful things any couple has to go through, especially when you are first timers. My kids handled it beautifully, at least on the outside. They were level headed and composed throughout. One thing that helped in this regard was the absolutely gorgeous Chamber of Commerce weather we enjoyed all weekend long. Delightful breezes, sunny skies and perfect temperatures made all the traipsing up and down stairs much easier than it would have been if it were 90 degrees and humid. But, its a grind, man. The older I get the less able I am to deal with the never ending parade of…stuff…and the boxes that come with it. As of this hour, only one of the 16 million of them has gone missing, one filled with valuable electronics—naturally. I have no doubt that it will turn up eventually. 

We have gotten a couple of pictures from them showing us their organizational progress, here a recognizable office has taken shape, there a tidy bedroom. They are plugging along.

It was only after the nine hour drive home when I walked into my own house that I noticed it…the palpable relief I felt when each room I entered was perfectly in order with no boxes in sight, no evidence of transition anywhere, everything settled. That, and the wildly enthusiastic greeting I received from Lucy, settled my mind and soul. Perhaps you don’t realize how much you value order until you experience its absence for four days. Although the routine of my life may not always be perfectly ordered, disruptions being as dependable as the tides, at least my house is, something that I have now discovered is vital to my sense of well being.

Another thing I have discovered? I am no longer capable of doing 100% of the driving on our many long car trips. Cramping hamstrings combined with sleepiness forced me to relinquish the wheel for a couple hours both ways. Grrrr…

And now this…a friend of ours who has been valiantly fighting an illness has made the decision to call in hospice. We have watched his noble battle via Facebook for quite a while and have marveled at his bravery. He fought the good fight. May God bless him and his family.