One of the benefits and drawbacks of being in your 60’s is the opportunities it gives you to reflect back on your life and take stock of your successes and failures. After all, once you’re 63 or so, you actually have lots of life to examine. You’ve finished some things that younger people are just starting. I’ve already raised two kids and unleashed them on the world. I’ve built a business and made it work for 40 years. I’m on my third Golden Retriever. I survived open heart surgery at 45 and a host of other setbacks without giving in to excessive cynicism or bitterness. I married the right woman and am still in love with her and her with me against all odds. This is not to say that I didn’t make mistakes along the way. On the contrary, perhaps my most valuable skill has been the ability to overcome those mistakes, the miscalculations, the occasional poor choices, the lapses in judgement that are the byproducts of every active life.
A while back I had a friend ask me what I thought the secret to my relatively successful life has been. I think he was hoping for a recipe, a secret sauce, some clever one sentence formulation that could fit on an index card, something he could memorize and repeat as a mantra. Unfortunately I had no good answer for him, primarily because it is an impossible question. What role does fate or luck play in the story? I don’t think I actually know the complete and accurate answer to any question that seeks to get at the secret of success. First of all, its not a secret. There are thousands of men and women far more notable and successful than me who have already told their stories. However, I do think that some things work for some people but not others. There are many routes to success, some more noble than others. Some harder than others. Some people because of education, environment and aptitude have to overcome so much more than others who might have entered the world with the unearned advantages of wealth, class and race. Yet, there are countless stories of people born wealthy who ended up as dumpster fires. Equally, there are legendary tales of Horacio Alger over-comers who started with nothing yet ended up spectacularly successful. So, as the kids like to say…it’s complicated.
But, I have been giving this some thought, particularly since I entered my 40th year of business. I have tried to make a list of the things, ideas, and people who have contributed to keeping me out of jail and poverty. I’ve come up with many things, some that I had almost forgotten from so long ago. I’ve decided to write them down and share them with this audience. But before I proceed, a word of caution.
Many of the items on this list might not work for everyone. Although I do believe in the universal, transcendent nature of many truths, experience has taught me that there are exceptions to just about everything. Another thing, I don’t want to present myself as some sort of paragon of virtue. I have more than my share of flaws. At the same time, there is nothing quite so off-putting as false modesty. I have come to believe that my story, flaws and all, might be helpful to someone out there just starting out in the adult world, and the older I have gotten the more important I think it has become to help others do well and live well. So, I present what follows as a list of things that have worked for me. Do with them what you will. They are listed in no particular order of importance.
1. Family. My parents were not wealthy. Neither are Pam’s. When my parents both passed away there was very little of monetary value bequeathed to me. It will be the same when Pam’s folks pass. When I was growing up we didn’t have a lot, although I never considered myself poor. However, I never once doubted two crucial things from my childhood, my parents loved me and they loved each other. This, I was absolutely sure about. This gift was of incalculable worth. It made me feel safe and secure. It allowed me to develop a positive self image—I knew I was valuable because I came from a house full of people who loved and cared for me. They gave me the gift of a hierarchy that was simple and undisputed. They were in charge. They were the boss of me. They set rules and expected them to be followed. Although I didn’t always obey, and their rules could be inconvenient and irritating, it was comforting to know that there were rules. I desperately needed them.
2. Manners. I’m not totally sure that I’m using the right word here, but manners will have to do. My parents taught me a long list of behaviors that I was expected to master. These were things that I never would have stumbled upon by accident one day, these were things that I had to be taught, and my mother especially was an unforgiving teacher. Most of them concerned how we were to speak to people, especially adults. Yes Sir. No Ma’am. Thank You. Please. May I? Mister, Miss, Mrs. Look people in the eye when speaking to them. Always eat what is put in front of you when at someone else’s house. But aside from all these rules there was also the issue of respect for all human beings. My parents made sure at a very young age that I was disabused of the notion that I was better or worse than anyone else. “God created all of us in his own image,” they would always say. “Just because someone has money and dresses better than you doesn’t mean they are better than you. And just because someone may be from another country or from another race doesn’t mean that they aren’t as good as you.” Some of what I was taught, especially by my dad might sound outdated and misogynistic to modern ears, “Son, never hit a girl. Never raise your hand against anyone weaker than you. Always open a door for a lady.”
3. Effort. My dad had a saying, Anything worth doing is worth doing well. I soon discovered the truth of this when it came to sports. You can coach someone to become a good ballplayer, but you can’t teach someone how to hustle. There is a long list of things in life that we can’t control. Effort is the one great exception and the greatest equalizer in all of life. I was told over and over when I was a kid that more often than not the person who wins in this life is the person who wants it more. I grew up believing that I might get out-thought, out-smarted and out-maneuvered, but I should never ever get out-worked.
4. Education Never Ends. I wasn’t a great student at any level, grade school, high school or college. It bored me and I was impatient to get started and felt that sitting in a class all day was an obstacle to overcome. But I quickly learned that if I was going to make anything at all of myself I was going to have to constantly expand the universe of knowledge at my disposal. For that reason I have been a lifelong reader of nearly everything I can get my hands on. I have found that knowing more about the world and everything in it helps you to appreciate life and its boundless possibilities. It also builds within your heart an empathy for others. It helps you develop courage when you read of the courage of others, strength when you learn of the strength of others. It brings a greater perspective about life, helps you to become a better, more well rounded human being.
5 Faith. My parents introduced me to the Christian faith when I was very young. As I grew in my knowledge and understanding of that faith it began to inform the way I chose to live. It still today is at the core of how I see the world and how I understand my place in it. It has taught me the importance of taking care of the downtrodden. It has instilled in me a sense of responsibility for my neighbor not just my own narrow self interest. It has supplied me with guardrails to stay between if I want to live a productive life, don’t commit adultery, honor your parents, don’t steal, bear false witness against others, and a host of others. It has given me an understanding that there are much more important things in this life than my own wants and desires. I am placed in this world to be a blessing to others. I am here to be the hands and feet of Jesus whenever I can. I am asked to deny myself, take up my cross and follow Christ, a lot harder to do than to say, but a noble and worthy goal. I am one of the most imperfect and inconsistent Christians I know. I have a nasty temper, my language can be rough, I have a sometimes irreverent sense of humor and an argumentative manner. But the love and grace of Jesus has covered me in a blanket of forgiveness, so I press on because his mercies are new every morning.
6. Generosity. I honestly believe that whatever success God has allowed me to experience has one main goal attached to it and that is to free me up to be more generous with each passing year. Actually I’m absolutely positive about this fact. It’s the only thing that makes sense. There is no greater thrill than to be able to help someone who is struggling, especially when its through no fault of their own. To be able to give, to help, especially without them knowing about it is as great a feeling as there is in this life. The more you give, the greater you feel, and the greater you feel the more you want to give.
Ok, this is my list. Every one of them has been important to me and each of them has played a role in any success I have been able to enjoy in my life. But, here’s the thing. None of them are easy. All of them are difficult to stay good at, each are easy to forget. I haven’t always practiced what I am preaching by publishing this list. But this is the standard I have tried to reach for. Some days are better than others. Some years are better than others. No matter, these are the stars upon which I map my course.
