In The Bleak Mid-Winter

Highlights and lowlights of my week:

Made it through 1st and 2nd Kings in my 90 day read through the Bible, the upshot of which seemed to be that morally corrupt and incompetent leadership is the rule of civilization, not the exception, offering further evidence against seeking earthly power over spiritual faithfulness—as if we needed any further proof. Even a casual reading of the history of the kings of Israel and Judah makes you wonder why they didn’t at some point say…Wait a second, why don’t we try a woman?

Business is booming which means that paperwork is booming and along with it, opportunities for mistakes. As a consequence, stress level is on the rise.

My daughter and her husband both came down with COVID. Although their symptoms have not at all been pleasant, neither have they been hospitalized, neither is on a respirator. Thanks, vaccines. Kaitlin had it first and just about the time she was getting better, Jon got it. Then something heartwarming happened. My GrandPup, Jackson demonstrated why it is that human beings don’t deserve dogs. When Kaitlin was the sickest of the two, he wouldn’t leave her side, insisting on snuggling up close to her wherever she happened to be. But as soon as she improved, it was Jon’s turn to be on the receiving end of the incessant snuggles…

It’s at times like these when we miss living in the same city as our kids. We can’t cook them a meal, we can’t run errands for them. All Pam could think to do was send them a Door Dash gift card. It stinks.

In other miserable February news, I made my first Winter canvassing of the back yard, spending nearly an hour gathering fallen tree branches, pine cones and a full grocery bag full of Lucy’s bowel movements—always a rollicking good time.

BREAKING NEWS***

THIS JUST IN…My other GrandPup Frisco, just made his first trip to Old Navy where he behaved like a champ and made a new friend. Then he got rewarded with a quick trip to the dog park where he posed for pics and was available for autographs…

Meanwhile, here at home, when asked what she thought about the job I did tidying up her back yard, Lucy replied, “About time…and where is my after dinner treat?”

Racism in the NFL???

Generally, I have always hated any type of quotas in the area of hiring. Any criteria for hiring someone which is other than the most qualified candidate for the job is in my opinion a fool’s errand. A perfect example is President Biden coming out and saying that his nominee for the next Supreme Court Justice will be a black woman. Why would he say such a thing? Why not just nominate a black woman? By announcing to the world that his only candidates for the position would be limited to black women, he has unnecessarily called into question the qualifications of whoever he picks, who will forever be labeled the quota pick. So, yeah…not a fan of box checking. However…and life is all about the however’s, there are times when you look around and have to ask, what the heck is going on here? Take the National Football League for example.

Former head coach of the Miami Dolphins, Brian Flores has filed suit against the New York Giants and the NFL for racial bias in their hiring practices. The story he tells sounds horrifying and even includes allegations that the team owner offered to pay him $100,000 for every game his team LOST, in order to improve the team’s position in the draft. Soon afterward, former Cleveland Browns head coach Hue Jackson came out with his own accusations of bribes offered to tank games. Although the owners of these two teams are innocent until proven guilty, a quick Google search of their business careers will leave no doubt about the fact that both of them made billions doing business right up to a fine line over which lay criminal activity. At this point my presumption of innocence favors these two coaches.

But with the recent firing of Brian Flores, this means that the National Football League currently has exactly one black head football coach. There are 32 teams. The Pittsburgh Steelers coach, Mike Tomlin is the only black head coach. This, for a league where a full 70% of its active players and probably 80% of its best players are black. How is it then that in a league which is notorious for coaching turnover, that teams are willing to hire untested coordinators, unknown college coaches, or even mediocre former coaches before they are willing to hire a black coach? Has the current black coach in Pittsburgh proven himself a colossal failure? Mike Tomlin has been coaching the Steelers for 13 years, has taken his team to the playoffs nine times, won one Super Bowl and never had a losing season. So, no it can’t be that. What about past black coaches? Well, there’s Tony Dungy. All he did in his 13 years of coaching was win a Super Bowl, take his teams to the playoffs and win 65% of his games. Can’t be that. So, what is it? It’s difficult to come to any conclusion other than race. Many of the best white coaches were former players. Does anyone expect a rational person to believe that out of the literally thousands of black players who have played in the NFL, none of them are qualified to coach a team? None of them would do a better job than Mike McCarthy? Come on now…

Many years ago, the NFL adopted the Rooney Rule that mandated that at least one black candidate be interviewed for every coaching position. The 32 teams and their billionaire owners have made a mockery of the rule by bringing in a black candidate for a sham interview after they have already picked their guy. It is both humiliating and shameful for everyone involved in such a thing. What is behind all of this is the blackness of the heart which refuses to even consider a black candidate out of some perceived deficiency of intellect or leadership. That’s the issue that now hangs over the NFL as well as Major League Baseball, and many other sport leagues in America. On the field of play we demand the best players and if that means that 70% of them are black, fans never bat an eye. Why don’t those same fans demand the best candidates for the position of head coach instead of always hiring the same old retreads?

Searching For New

For the past several years I’ve been confronted with a rather existential question concerning the nature of motivation, ie…what is it that motivates a person to get up every morning? What drives a person to continue the routines of life? For most of my adult life it has been a combination of financial necessity and a sense of responsibility. Like practically everyone else in the world, I wake up each day and go to work because work is necessary. Without work, there is no money and without money life becomes very difficult very quickly. But its more than that, I also go to work each day out of an overwhelming sense of the responsibility I feel for my clients and my reputation. It would not be a good thing for either if I suddenly stopped showing up at my job, instead choosing to lay about the house all day doing nothing. A lifetime spent building a reputation for reliability and competence would be destroyed by such laziness.

But, what happens when you get to the point where you no longer are driven by necessity? What happens when what you have been building all of your life gets built, when you discover that you no longer need to pursue money? Building anything, the construction of anything is far more exciting and inspirational than standing around admiring the finished product. 

When I was a young man, newly married and a brand new parent, a fire of urgency burned bright within me. I couldn’t wait to get to work because I was terrified that I might fail. I had a wife and kids counting on me to provide for them. Failure would have meant total humiliation as a man. So I needed no manufactured motivation to get me out the door every morning, I had plenty of the real thing—fear of failure. Although there were gigantic obstacles in my path and many setbacks along the way, I was able to overcome all of them one way or another. I had lots of help along the way, mentors who inspired me, friends who cheered me through downturns in my fortunes, and an amazing family. My faith in God sustained me through the darkest moments of the journey. Now, having built a business, I have entered the maintenance phase of the thing, a far less urgent endeavor and one that doesn’t exactly inspire great excitement.

So, what becomes the driving force to replace the fear of failure and ruin? This is the search I find myself in the middle of, trying to figure out next steps. Each year, my business takes less and less a share of my time, the end result of a meticulous plan set in place years ago to give myself more opportunities for other pursuits at this stage of life. I love writing and have done quite a bit over the last five years or so. Eventually, I intend on trying to get something published. That will be a construction project of sorts, the kind that takes renewed energy and purpose.

But, I also would like to spend the next 15 years or so helping young men and women, just starting out in business, find their way. I could encourage them through their setbacks, help them find courage when they endure the downturns in their fortunes. I think I would be good at it, actually. So, that’s a possibility. There’s another thing that I want to do. I want to get really good at generosity. Finding struggling people to help financially has always been extraordinarily satisfying to me, and at this stage of my life I’ve arrived at the point where I should be getting better and better at it. I want to make it a priority instead of an afterthought.

I firmly believe that every man needs a battle to fight, an obstacle to overcome, a problem to solve. Otherwise, life loses its challenge, and each day becomes a paler version of the day before. I’m determined to never let that happen.

Five More Months

February 1st has arrived and with it comes an opportunity for me to check January off the list of months I have to live through before I get to go to Maine. It’s the fourth such month I’ve checked off since last we left—leaving five more to go. After February gets checked off, we’ll be closer to going than we are from leaving—always a happy occasion.

Please don’t misunderstand. I don’t mean to suggest that our life here at home is something simply to be endured while waiting around for Maine. Far from it. I love Short Pump and am thankful for all the special things and people that make it our home. But, Maine is the reward, the reason why I work. 

This year we will spend six weeks on Quantabacook, from the 9th of July through the 19th of August. The first two weeks Pam and I will stay at Summer Dreams, an adorable camp we stayed for two weeks last summer and fell in love with. Then on the 22nd of July we will move six houses down the lake to our favorite cabin in all of Maine, Loon Landing. For those four weeks we will have guests at some point. Kaitlin and Jon will come to visit, maybe Patrick and Sarah. Six weeks is a long time, but flies by in an instant.

Right now the place is under a 20 inch blanket of snow, the beautiful lake a massive block of ice. The temperatures will be in single digits for another couple of months. But slowly but surely, the warmth will return. Sometime in the month of April, the ice will implode on itself, collapsing into the depths. The trees will begin to bud, the grass will grow. Then all the shops in Camden will open for business, in every window sill, every pot and hanging from every street lamp flowers will appear. The Smiling Cow, Once a Tree, RiverDucks Ice Cream will all spring back to life. And we will be there, eager to hand over our money.

Five more months.

The Beginning

Daniel Sebastian Fitzgerald’s life had been an unqualified success right up to the day he took a drink from an unopened bottle of water he found while jogging in a park less than a mile from his house. At least that was the initial conclusion which most of the family had settled upon after every other explanation for his implosion had failed to withstand logical scrutiny. So bizarre were the circumstances surrounding his metamorphosis that a family of educated people had been reduced to believing an unproven and unprovable theory involving a random bottle of water that had never been found or tested for toxins that might have explained how an otherwise circumspect 56 year old man could have so suddenly and spectacularly gone off the rails. The Fitzgerald family, being as unaccustomed to and unprepared for scandal as any tribe in North America had not handled the drama well. Accusations began to fly within the family, blaming everyone from his wife of 30 years, to his impossible to please father, to his meddling mother, all the way down to his disrespectful children. But, the writer has gotten ahead of himself. The reader by now is naturally wondering about the nature of Daniel Sebastian Fitzgerald’s metamorphosis, and not nearly as concerned with the infighting of his extended family. I will attempt to tell the tale honestly without bias or judgement, for in the day and age in which we live, this story needs to be told.

1. Family History

  William and Margaret Fitzgerald carefully considered the name they would bequeath to their first born in the fall of 1963. The Fitzgeralds were second generation wealthy, William having inherited a small fortune from his self-made father and having married into the Sebastian fortune which had flowed to Margaret upon the untimely death of both of her parents, who had tragically perished when the catamaran they were sailing capsized during light winds in the Chesapeake Bay less than two years after Daniel Sebastian Fitzgerald’s birth. A manufacturing failure discovered within the workmanship of the mast ultimately added to the Fitzgerald fortune in the form of a settlement check from lawyers representing the boat company. William...it was William, never Bill, or worse...Billy, had for years been embarrassed at his wealth for the old fashioned reason that he had done nothing to deserve it other than being fortuitously conceived. His own career as a lawyer served only to provide him a place to go every day and a respectable answer to the oft-asked cocktail party question, “So William, what do you do?” The answer that he was an attorney quickly led into a pleasant ramble about his time at Princeton, and the early years of clerking for this judge and that. But as a matter of profitability, his law practice netted him barely enough money to cover his ample overhead. He had enough skill and connections to make an honest go of it but found the lack of urgency too much to overcome. Being independently rich, he discovered, had sapped him of any work ethic he may have inherited from his father. Eventually, William and Margaret had made peace with the happy accident of their births and stopped feeling guilt about their wealth. They had come to see their good fortune as, in fact, the very embodiment of the American Dream. They had come into their money the truly old fashioned way...by inheritance and summary judgments.

So, the choice of a name for what was surely to be the third generation of prominent and successful Fitzgeralds was crucial. Consideration must be given to tradition, the family tree and proper nobility. For William this meant a name that did not lend itself to truncation, or the degradation of a nickname. Daniel Sebastian checked off all the boxes, Daniel, after the Old Testament hero of the lion’s den, and Sebastian, the surname of his wife, the family name that provided 60% of the Fitzgerald net worth. However, William would ultimately regret the choice. It took virtually no time for little Daniel’s school friends, even those well bred enough to attend St. Paul’s, to twist Daniel into a hundred ugly iterations. Dan the Man, Danny-Boy, and the especially infantile Book-em Danno had all taken turns as the nickname of choice during Daniel’s middle and high school years, bringing his parents untold grief. When, over the course of time, it became obvious that nothing was to be done about the fact that their son would forever be known as Danny, William and Margaret accepted it as the price they would have to pay for raising such a popular and winsome boy. For Danny had turned out to be everything that his parents weren’t, optimistic, fun loving, adventurous, gregarious, empathetic and magnanimous, all traits that hadn’t appeared over several generations of either branch of the family tree. The Fitzgerald’s had largely been known as a stoic lot, full of industry and toughness to be sure, but not known for the warmer gifts associated with the human condition. Grandfather Fitzgerald, builder of a thousand brick ranchers and split levels throughout central Virginia, was an efficient and meticulous businessman known for being a fair boss, excellent craftsman, and ruthless negotiator, but in all of his life no one could recall him donating a single dime of his considerable fortune to a single charity beyond his church. His personality, such as it was, could best be described as distant. William had inherited all of the distance, none of the industry and all of the money. Although Margaret had been blessed with respectable warmth and charm along with a passable sense of humor, she had inherited the Sebastian family pride, the imperious kind that served as a stiff arm to the lower classes who were unlucky enough to stumble onto her path. Her single purpose as a mother to her son had been to protect him from bad influence which she narrowly defined as those outside his rank and station. To her eternal consternation, every such effort had failed. Danny counted among his friends an endless succession of misfits and ne’er do wells who brought with them their course language and sloppy manners. There was simply nothing to be done. Their son had developed a tendency of attracting friends everywhere he went, for good or for ill. His parents had been reduced to glorified overseers, doing their best to influence their son towards the right friends and away from the wrong. Despite this troubling tendency, Danny had given them not one minute’s trouble. He was respectful of their authority, dutiful and obedient, an excellent student and well liked by everyone.

Then he met Kate.

Kate, (not Katherine, the birth certificate actually said Kate), Buchanan had crashed into the Fitzgerald family like a runaway freight train in the summer of 1982 when Danny announced to his parents that he had met the love of his life and that she would be spending a week with them at the river house over July the fourth. Kate Buchanan had been exactly what Margaret Fitzgerald had warned her husband would happen if he permitted their son to attend Virginia Commonwealth University instead of Princeton. It should never have been allowed in the first place, their son matriculating at a state school known for nothing other than a basketball team and a campus life littered with drugs and bohemian habits. Princeton would have delivered the world to his doorstep. With VCU they would be lucky if he graduated without a stint in rehab. But here was Margaret, looking on in wordless horror as Kate Buchanan exploded out of the passenger seat of Danny’s BMW, dressed like a gypsy, radiant smile beaming out from under that ridiculous Panama hat, running up to engulf her boyfriend’s mother in an inappropriately familiar embrace. It had been the beginning of the most awkward week of Margaret’s life, filled as it was with the realization that her son was irretrievably ass-over-tea-kettles in love. Meanwhile, William had been struck mute by the presence of the girl, barely contributing a word to the conversation for the first hour or so, overwhelmed as he was by the pure novelty of someone who combined outrageous fashion and personality with such astonishing beauty. As the week wore on, Margaret and William were united in their belief that the girl would be an unmitigated disaster for their son, but equally convinced that the relationship would never last. Danny would soon tire of this whirling dervish. How could he not? The child babbled on all week about every conceivable topic that people like Margaret and William couldn’t possibly have cared any less about, while Danny sat there bewitched, hanging on every word. 

He had met her in an introduction to sculpture class, the sort of class he never would have taken had he gone to Princeton, when fate had placed him next to her on the back row. She had arrived to class carrying nothing with her that might have identified her as a student. No back pack, no books, no purse. Just a loose fitting tie-dyed T-shirt, no bra, and her angelic face. For Danny it had been love at first sight, or at least lust, which at 18 years of age amounts to the same thing. At the end of class during which not a single word of conversation had passed between them, she had extended her hand to him and said, “My name’s Kate. You’re cute.” Thus had began the manic affair that now had belched itself upon the banks of the Rappahannock River. Margaret and William smiled knowingly at each other. He would tire of her in time. All was well.

But like millions of parents before them, Margaret and William had underestimated the enduring power of both passion and love. By the time Danny had graduated with a worthless Bachelor of Science in Advertising degree, they were still in love and announced their intention to marry at the earliest possible date. When Margaret and William had objected to the match, Danny and Kate had responded by eloping, then sending his parents a postcard from Key West, officially beginning a 30 year strained relationship between Kate Fitzgerald and her in-laws. Although the arrival of grandchildren, a girl, Caroline, and a boy, Teddy (not Theodore), had softened the general frostiness of their discourse and injected a touch of warmth on both sides, animosity still hung heavily in the air whenever they occupied the same space. Despite the animosity, Margaret and William always managed to cover over their disappointment with the pleasant veneer of manners, never revealing too much, never letting slip any openly hostile words, always preferring the veiled insult, the soft contours of the pulled rhetorical punch. It infuriated Kate to be on the receiving end of their passive aggression, to the point where she had begun to take great delight in offering translations in real time to anyone who might be within earshot.

Margaret: Kate, my dear, you look healthier every time I see you.

Kate: What Grandma means kids is that Mommy’s getting fat!

Ever since the children had arrived it had become one of Kate’s joys in life to refer to her Mother in law as “Grandma.” Margaret hated nothing in the universe more than the ghastly title, always answering with, “Grandmother.” Of course, the children picked up “grandma” and used it gleefully as soon as they learned to talk, a delicious victory for Kate and a thorn in the side to Margaret who visibly winced at the sound of the word. Such pettiness was unlike Kate, a fact that her husband often reminded her after each family visit. Kate could only admit the truth.

“Yes,” she would reply. “When it comes to your mother I can be a real bitch. I should just ignore her, but I can’t help it. I do so love watching the way her bottom lip quivers right before it stiffens up and pushes out whenever one of the kids says ‘Grandma!!’ You’ve got to admit, honey. It’s pretty funny.”

“It’s hysterical,” Danny would always respond. “But what’s the point? It only makes things worse between you two.”

“Actually, it makes no difference whatsoever. Your mother will be your mother for as long as she lives. And as long as I remain your wife she will hate me, and never in a million years will she ever admit to hating me. Am I right?”

“Yes. You are right.”

Thirty years of the battle between wife and mother in law had raged without any meaningful cease fires. Even once Margaret became an octogenarian she still delivered her patented silk-covered verbal bricks in nearly every conversation. After watching Kate remove an over-cooked roast out of the oven, the silver-haired, face-lifted matron hadn’t missed a beat, “It is quite remarkable how unspoiled by failure you continue to be.” But on the fateful morning when Danny had stumbled back home from his Saturday morning run, white as a ghost with a nasty abrasion on his forehead, Kate’s skirmishes with her in-laws would intensify into a full blown war.

Mrs. Winston

The first influential African American in my life was my 4th grade teacher at Elmont Elementary school in Hanover County, Virginia...the estimable Mrs. Winston. She was a force of nature who came steamrolling into my life like a wrecking ball. In those days, I hadn’t had much exposure to black people in general, and never a black teacher, one who exercised authority over me. To put as delicate a spin on it as possible...I wasn’t exactly a model student at Elmont Elementary. I found it nearly impossible to sit still, had the attention span of a gnat, and an advanced talent at crafting paper airplanes and getting into fights on the playground. In other words, Mrs. Winston would have been forgiven for writing me off as a lost cause, and shuffling me off to her fifth grade teaching colleagues with a condolence card. But no...that wasn’t Mrs. Winston. For reasons that I will never understand, she took a liking to me. Although it frustrated me at the time, she decided that I had too much potential to continue on my present course of being a jackass. I became her project in 1968. Her plan was simple...she determined to make my life a living hell by refusing to accept anything from me but my best work. This meant after school detentions for even minor classroom infractions, whereby I would have to write on the chalkboard...I will stop being a Jackass...50 times while listening to her lecture me about education, behavior and manners. The upshot of all of this was straightforward... I fell in love with Mrs. Winston. Her relentless nagging made me for the first time in my young life a good student. I’ll never forget the tears that welled up in her huge expressive eyes when she showed me my report card with straight E’s for Excellent.

But 1968 was a different time. Towards the end of the year, my church was having a revival all week. Back in those days this was rather commonplace, and every revival had a pack the pew night whereby each family was tasked with filling an entire pew with friends and neighbors. One day after school, I marched myself up to Mrs. Winston and excitedly extended an invitation...Mrs. W, will you come sit with me at the revival meeting Friday night?

Here’s another thing I will never forget, the look of sorrow and sadness that came over her beautiful face. She looked down at me with an expression I had never seen before. Did I say something wrong? Was she mad with me? She asked me to sit down beside her, held my hands and said something close to the following. It’s been over 50 years so I hope my memory is reliable...Douglas, first I want to thank you so much for inviting me to your church. I would love nothing more than to be your guest...but not this time. When I couldn’t hide my confusion and disappointment she offered an explanation...Douglas, a revival meeting is an important thing. Serious business! Everyone needs to pay attention to the preacher...and I’m afraid if I go with you, more people might be paying attention to me than the preacher. We wouldn’t want that, would we?

I didn’t understand. I went straight home and told my Dad, who was the pastor of the church, what Mrs. Winston had said. Tears came into my father’s eyes. He sat his 4th grade son down and explained to him for the first time about segregation in the church, and how many people aren’t comfortable worshiping with people of others races. He finished with this observation...Son, listen to me. Your teacher is a very wise woman. She’s right about how people would be paying more attention to her than the preacher. But you know what else? If Mrs. Winston had come with you...I think she would have been the most holy, Godly person in the whole building.

For me, every single time something comes up about race in America, I always think back to my profoundly wise 4th grade teacher. I think...What would Mrs. Winston think of all this. Although America has made much progress since 1968, sometimes when I see racism still alive and well among us, I am profoundly grateful that Mrs. Winston is in heaven and not alive to see how far we still have to go.

The Horns of a Dilemma

It was a Sunday evening, the hottest night of the summer, and Benny’s fifteen year old hormones were raging. The church service was finally over and the grownups had all drifted off to the fellowship hall for a covered dish supper, which left all of the old Sunday School classrooms in the old building dark and cool. Benny’s favorite room had always been the dark-paneled twenty foot square space reserved for the Sojourner’s, the Sunday School class where all the monied old men gathered to listen to someone read a chapter from the Old Testament then sat around talking about business until the bell rang. Benny liked it because the chairs were made out of wood and had soft red seat cushions. He loved the secretary’s desk that sat between the two towering stain glass windows, the solid maple frame and shiny surface held up a green-shade desk lamp, which when turned on in the darkness blissed the place in soft yellow light. He didn’t have to wonder why this was the only class in the church which had seat cushions and wooden chairs. These were the old-timers, the power brokers whose ancestors had been the founding members of Bethesda Baptist Church, a proud congregation about to enter it’s third century of continuous operation. The fact that Benny’s father was the current shepherd of such a proud and pious flock was a subject of supreme consternation to fifteen year old Benjamin Caleb Adams. Many nights Benny lay awake in the cramped quarters of his church supplied housing wondering if anything could be more inconvenient for any self respecting boy than being a preacher’s kid. But, he had not been given a vote on the subject of his father’s occupation. And although the assumptions that came along with having a minister of the gospel for a father were infuriating, Benny never held his father personally responsible. He loved him as much as it was possible for any teenager to love a father.

 But, on this particular night, any resentments he felt in this regard were the last thing on his mind. His every thought throughout the interminable service of the past hour had been fixed upon the ravishing Amanda Lockhart, the beguiling blond with green eyes and delicious lips who was always game for any stolen moments of friskiness that Benny’s cleverness and audacity could bring to pass, and on this night, Benny had a plan.

After making a perfunctory appearance in the fellowship hall, and making note of the presence of both of his parents and Amanda’s equally ravishing mother, Benny led a giggling Amanda back down the hallway into the passageway that led into the sanctuary. Here they had to be careful. It was dark and hard to see and still close enough to the fellowship hall that you could hear muffled voices. Benny, knew the route by heart and artfully led them around the baptismal pool, past the pastor’s office and around the janitorial supply closet without tripping on anything, until finally he came to the solid mahogany door with the bronze plaque attached to the arms of the cross…Sojourner’s Class.

It had been a conscious choice. Benny could have picked any number of dusty rooms in this wing of the old building. There was the largest class where the blue-haired women met—The Agape Collective— mostly the wives of the Sojourners. But they had folding metal chairs and the room smelled like mothballs and urine. There were any number of other rooms equally sufficient for the job at hand. But Benny had developed a contempt and suspicion of this Sojourner crowd. Even at fifteen and having little interest in the inner workings of Bethesda Baptist, Benny had noticed that most of the people who were giving his father trouble came from this room. If he was going to risk trying to get around second and into third with Amanda, he couldn’t think of any room more perfect for such a pursuit. The prospect of getting caught was real, no matter how careful he had been coming up with the plan. So, in that dysfunctional way that fifteen year olds think, Benny figured, why not get caught in the room where the big shots do their plotting and scheming?

Once inside, Benny carefully closed the door until he felt the bolt snap into place, then waited for his eyes to adjust. He slowly made his way over towards the dark outline of the secretary’s desk, found the pull chain of the desk light and suddenly the room was bathed in intimate light. Amanda let out another giggle then, “Benny, I’d rather have that light off. Suppose someone sees?” Benny smiled at her then gave her a short kiss. “Sure, but don’t you want to see the place first?”

Benny pointed at the plaque hanging on the wall behind the secretary’s desk in between the two windows. It was shaped like the stone tablets of the Ten Commandments only made out of polished pine. Where the commandments should have been were shiny bronze plates with the names of all the previous class presidents going back at least a hundred years. The newest and shiniest one held the name of the current president…

“Well look here, the old buzzard himself, Horace G. Gardner—current president and president emeritus. How do you pull that off? Don’t you have to be dead to be emeritus?” Benny wasn’t sure what the word meant but when applied to Horace Gardner he figured it must be some sort of pretentious bullshit.

“Mom says that Mister Gardner is a great man,” Amanda offered, her first giggle-free sentence of the night.

“Yeah, that’s what everybody says. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. But his son sure is a prick.”

Harrison Gardner was the old man’s youngest son, current music minister of Bethesda Baptist and the sharpest thorn in the current Senior pastor’s side, he of the silky baritone, year round beach tan, and what passed for handsome with the over forty crowd. Along with the good looks came an easy charm, an affably cheerful nature which everyone in the church bought hook, line and sinker. Everyone, that is, except anyone who lived in the worn down parsonage across the street from the church. There it was universally understood that Harrison Gardner not so secretly coveted the top job, indeed, thought he was better suited for it than the current pastor in every measurable way, and had embarked on a whisper campaign to force Benny’s father out. It had been these ugly internal machinations of church life that had begun to sour Benny on the faith, turning his youthful attentions elsewhere. Benny tugged on the pull chain, pulling Amanda close as the room was plunged once again into the blackest darkness.

Benny and Amanda were both virgins and neither of them were particularly ready for any change in the status quo. Their attraction to one another was a matter of curiosity, electricity, hormones and the hypnotic coursing of blood carrying strange new warmth to exciting new places. Romantic sessions of the type going on in the Sojourners classroom were of the awkward groping variety which resulted in lots of dizziness and heavy breathing, but little else. In the midst of the action Benny thought to say, “the last time there was this much heavy breathing in here must have been the time old man Stanley’s oxygen machine blew a fuse.” Soon, the two of them were straddled across the secretary’s desk, its polished surface making it difficult to keep from sliding from one end to the other, making an already awkward encounter even more so. Suddenly, both of them froze mid-grope at the sound of shuffling footsteps coming down the hallway directly toward them. For an instant they laid there motionless, trying to listen over the pounding of their hearts. As the steps got closer, Benny made the executive decision to slide off the desk and dive underneath into the cramped space where a secretary’s legs were supposed to be. Just as he was able to fit Amanda beside him he heard the door open along with the sound of whispering.

There had been many such moments in Benny’s life despite his brief fifteen years on Earth. He had a talent for trouble, a natural proclivity for recklessness. There was the time that he got caught sneaking back into the house through his upstairs bedroom window after several hours of mischief which had involved toilet papering a prominent deacon’s house. There had been the time when he had caused his father great embarrassment by getting caught practicing his short game in the church cemetery by a descendant of Thomas J. Clinton who’s towering obelisk had unfortunately been chosen as the flagstick. But this particular situation seemed particularly fraught with peril since getting caught making out with Amanda Lockhart in the Sojourner’s classroom would not have done his father any favors at this juncture of his career. All of this weighed heavily on Benny’s mind as he held his breath and hoped for the best. Whoever had entered the room had not yet turned on the light—either a positive sign or an omen of hellfire. Suddenly, there was the rustling of clothing and hushed words…

“Oh Harrison…this is so wrong…(gasp)…so wrong.

“Yes baby…but if this is wrong, I don’t want to be right…oooh…”

Benny and Amanda both covered their mouths with their hands in horror, their bugged out eyes only inches apart. What fresh hell had they both stumbled into? Was this Harrison-freaking-Gardner, and had he just quoted a Luther Ingram lyric?? And who was he with? Certainly not his wife. She was at home looking after their two spoiled brat kids.

“If we get caught, we’re both dead, baby. But every time I glanced over at you playing the piano during that solo tonight I was imagining you naked. I just had to have you!”

This time the hands came off, their faces alive with a mixture of mortification and disgust as they both mouthed the name…Francis Powell?? It was at this point where everything changed for Benjamin Caleb Adams. Suddenly, he had become empowered. Finally he had been granted the one thing that he had never been able to grasp in his short life. Finally, against all odds the tables had been turned. Now…Benny had power. Harrison Gardner, the pretentious, slimy, phony windbag and erstwhile pretender to the Senior Pastor gig at Bethesda Baptist had now been caught doing the dirty with the church pianist and mother of three while his own wife was at home caring for his own children. How positively delicious!

“Oh Harrison, you’re incorrigible!!” 

Amanda’s eyes shone bright with something between glee and lust as she mouthed the word, “incorrigible??” Benny then had to discourage her surprising advances, which under the circumstances were not only physically impossible, but tactically inappropriate. This situation needed his complete concentration. A decision was going to have to be made shortly. How should Benny handle this fraught moment? Should he suddenly rise up from behind the desk and shout, “Surprise!! Caught ya!!” Or should he wait them both out, let them finish their wickedness then bide his time, waiting until the most opportune moment to blow this tanning bed wimp out of the water? 

Suddenly the breathing became louder along with one of them whispering to the other to be quiet. Benny tried to put the mental image of these two forty year olds having sexual relations while standing up out of his fevered imagination, especially since both of them were people whom he would have to walk by practically every Sunday for the foreseeable future. Mercifully, it finally seemed to be over, as they both began whispering barely discernible professions of devotion to each other. Then, the sound of the door knob turning, the shuffling of clothing and the shutting of the door. They were gone. So much for a shocking reveal. Now it was just a matter of figuring the best use of his new found clout. Benny quickly shuffled the reluctant Amanda out of the room, down the hallway and back into the fellowship hall.

 It was only much later that same night when sleep wouldn’t come for Benny that he realized the full implications of his night’s work. Apparently, what his father had always said about the knowledge of good and evil was true…with great knowledge comes great responsibility. He was now in possession of the sort of incriminating dirt that could rid his father of his Harrison Gardner problem once and for all time. But as he lay there staring into the darkness it occurred to him that he was now on the horns of a dilemma. This damning piece of intelligence came with a profound personal conundrum. How was he to share this story with his father without also having to explain what exactly it was that he and Amanda Lockhart were doing in the Sojourner’s room in the dark? His Dad was far too smart and much too familiar with his son’s aptitudes to believe that they were “praying together.” As valuable as his discovery would have been to his father and as anxious as he was to provide all the gory details, Benny wasn’t interested in being grounded for the duration of the summer. After a fitful hour, sleep finally came. At the light of first dawn, Benny gave the situation another think and this time came to the conclusion that life just wasn’t fair.

The next six months had been among the most uncomfortable of Benny’s short life. Amanda had moved on, now vaguely attached to his best friend to whom Benny held no resentment. It had been an amicable split, and neither of them had spoken a word about that night to each other since. But every time Benny saw Harrison at church it had felt excruciating. Occasionally he would notice the two of them looking at each other a touch too long in the choir loft. Each time he would throw up a little in his mouth. Many times he had come close to confronting him, especially on the rare times when they would run in to each other someplace private like the parking lot. But each time Benny had given up on the idea. Besides, he would only have denied it, Benny having no proof of anything. Who would everyone believe, the son of a founding family member and beloved music minister, or a goofy, trouble making teenager with a history of asshattery?

By the time winter arrived, Harrison Gardner-instigated machinations had picked up their intensity. Benny’s father’s position was getting more tenuous with each passing Sunday. Factions had appeared in the congregation, those who supported his father and a more vocal and growing faction that supported the music minister. Benny had been struggling under the burden of his knowledge, and growing feelings of guilt had begun to grow within him. Was his personal freedom more important than his father’s happiness and continued employment? It was time to face the music. He would walk over to his dad’s office and confess all.

When he arrived at the church he noticed that the office to his father’s study was closed, a rarity. Just as he reached for the handle, the door swung open and he found himself staring into the red, puffy, tear streaked face of Harrison Gardner who hurried past him without looking up. Benny cautiously walked into the office and saw his dad sitting calmly at his desk. 

“Hello Son. What can I do for you?”

Benny, momentarily rattled, asked—“What was that all about? That was Harrison Gardner, right?”

“Yes,” came the non-committal reply.

Benny prodded—“And he was…crying”

“Yes. I believe he was.” 

It had always been virtually impossible to get any church gossip out of his father. This was understandable and even admirable considering the assumed confidentiality of the confessional and all, but this was Harrison-freaking-Gardner we were talking about here. Considering the purpose of Benny’s visit he felt entitled to know why the enemy of his father had just left his office in tears.

“Dad, seriously? Harrison Gardner just walked out of here crying his eyes out. What the heck?”

“Have a seat son.”

Benny sat down as instructed as a feeling of dread swept over him. 

“It doesn’t appear that Mr. Gardner is going to be a problem for me anymore. His position of influence in this congregation is now at an end. This is very good news, I believe, not only for me, but for the entire church as well. However, I’m afraid it is very sad news for Harrison and I take no delight in it.”

Benny leaned forward. “Wow. What happened?”

Then his father leaned forward, placed both fists under his chin and began…

“A couple of weeks ago I received disturbing news about Harrison. I followed up the allegation with the parties involved and found the report reliable enough to believe that it might possibly be true. To make a long story short, the person who provided the original information then confronted one of the people involved and received confirmation of the truth. I just finished talking this issue over with Harrison and he has admitted his guilt.”

Benny finally took a breath and tried to looked shocked. It appeared as though he had been saved by the bell once again, wiggling off yet another hook of his own making. Then his dad continued.

“Interesting thing though…You know Tammy Lockhart, right? Amanda’s mom? Yeah, she was the one who came to me with the information.”

Benny worked hard to keep his composure. “Yeah? Well, we broke up quite a while ago…”

“Something about the Sojourner Class, of all things…”

Once again Benny, now flushed with color—“Like I said…we broke up, so…”

“But, you know what this means don’t you?” A barely noticeable smile began to form at the corners of his father’s lips.

“Sure, this means that you don’t have to worry about that greaseball gunning for your job anymore,” Benny answered with genuine happiness.

“That’s right, son. You know what else it means?”

A surprising sensation flowed through his bloodstream as Benny realized that this was not a question he should answer. This was a time for circumspection and silence.

“It means that you’re grounded.”

And just like that, in the blink of an eye, Benny’s world was back, spinning dependably on its axis.