Worst Dad Jokes of the Week

Friday can only mean one thing. That’s right, it’s time for the very worst Dad Jokes of the week, compiled here for your reading discomfort:

Why did the mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Because he wanted...tequila 

What do you call a painter who loves running through the grass?

Jackson Frolic.

Where does virgin wool come from?

Ugly sheep.

How many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go ride bikes!

How do we know that Matt Damon is a religious man?

Because he’s always...Bourne again.

I think I know why people get so angry when you call them “average”.

It’s a...mean...thing to do.

I told my wife, “Don’t get upset if people call you “fat”

...”you’re bigger than that.

A Day of Dread

Men of a certain age will totally understand this post. Younger guys either won’t or will smugly roll their eyes. But, today is a day that I dread every year...my annual medical exam.

It used to be that I never had an annual physical. I only went to the doctor when I was violently ill or leaking bodily fluids. Now I’ve become a regular, not just with my family doctor, but a host of specialists. I have a couple colonoscopies under my belt at this point, and one prostate exam, I think, so I got that going for me. Today is the annual physical, that appointment that my wife started insisting on after my heart thing 18 years ago and the mini-stroke misunderstanding of a few years back. Each year it’s the same. I set the appointment far in advance, forget to write it down in my appointment book, then get that frightening phone call a week out reminding me of the appointment I made six months ago. The friendly nurse reminds me to show up thirty minutes early, (not gonna happen—I have no intention of taking five minutes to fill out a form, then waiting in a room full of terminal germ machines for 25 minutes for my appointment), and that I can have nothing except black coffee and water eight hours before my arrival. Pam always gives me a helpful list of things I need to ask the doctor. It’s a good thing too, since without her list I would just sit there holding my breath waiting for it to all be over.

My doctor is great. Very personable. He occasionally even glances up from his laptop to make eye contact. Some of his helpful comments are:

Doctor: Wouldn’t hurt you to lose a couple pounds.

Me: Yeah...

Doctor: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yeah. Stop doing that.

At some point he sends me down the hall to have blood taken out of my arm by a perky group of nurses in a small room where all of them are going on and on about something that happened last night at Bojangles like I’m not even in the room...

Nurse: Anyways, this cow starts yelling at the cashier—make a fist for me, honey—and I had just about had enough so I yell at her, “Yo, b**ch, shut the f**k up ‘for I come over there and mess you up”—-little pin prick now—I’m telling you, she was craaazy!

Then I am instructed to donate a urine sample into a handy little cup thing. Be sure your aim is true!! When I hand the specimen back to the nurse it always gives me the creeps for some reason.

Of course, no annual physical would be complete without the obligatory anal exam, which is a whole other level of awkwardness. Doc pulls on his gloves with an authoritarian snap, then begins his probing all the while trying to make conversation:

Doctor: So, how about this weather, huh? Hot enough for ya? Cough for me now. How’s the family?

The basic problem with the annual physical is the fear that this year will be the year when he finds something...

Doctor: Everything seems to be totally fine...wait, Hello...what have we here???

So today I will do my duty. I will faithfully ask all sixteen questions on Pam’s list...number 14–Why is he so_______? Hopefully, I will leave his office with renewed vigor, energized by his positive view of my overall condition, pending return of all blood work results.

Of course, every woman over the age of 40 is reading this thinking...what a baby! You want awkwardness? Try a mammogram and a gynecologist appointment every year buddy boy!!

Child of God

My friend has been battling cancer for a year now. Our text-correspondence began in earnest in August of 2019. It’s been a year of pain, agony, joy and miracles. It has also been 12 months of truly terrible jokes. This morning’s exchange was pretty typical...

She’s been through just about every set back you can imagine. Every single side effect you can possibly imagine from chemo has been faced and endured, if not overcome. This month will be a particularly difficult one for her. There are tons of tests and another surgery, plus more chemo. If it were me, I would probably have given up by now. But, Pam is a rock star of fortitude and faith. She just battles, grinds, does what needs to be done. 

Yes. She has had a few bad days, where she gets down on herself. Every once in a while she gives in to self pity. But it’s rare. When she is in one of those moods, she has been able to count on me to talk trash to her, give her hell for the bad attitude, etc... What she doesn’t know is that I always feel bad for being mean to her. Even though she always thanks me for my “straight talk” and assures me that it helped, I always feel rotten for doing it. I compensate with extra horrible jokes.

The truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve never gone through having a friend with cancer. Half the time I don’t know what to say. What I do know is that any difficulty or awkwardness that I might experience can’t be compared to the truckload of difficulty that has been dumped on her. There’s another thing I know...she is going to beat cancer. In many ways, she already has. But she will beat it for good one day, and that day is getting closer and closer.

Here’s a picture of her on her birthday a couple of years ago pre-cancer...

Here’s one of her from a couple of weeks back after a year of fighting...

Cool hat. Same smile, and as she would say, “Same child of God.”

Yay or Nay??

For over 17 years I have been a three times a week workout guy at American Family Fitness in Short Pump. Or, at least I was until it was closed down back in early March due to COVID. When you’ve done something for that long it becomes an integral part of your life. The reasons that I have been so committed to working out three times a week are complicated. Yes, exercise is good for my health, but it’s more than that. For me the primary benefit is stress relief. I always go around 3 o’clock in the afternoon when the crowd has thinned out. I do 45 minutes of cardio, then some light weights, hit up the sauna and pool, then take a quick shower and head home. Takes an hour and fifteen minutes. Three times a week. For almost 18 years.

Back in March, April and May AmFam was good enough to forego my membership dues. But for the last two months they have started hitting up the checking account for the fee on the first of the month. In June, Pam and I were still in super cautious mode, not wanting to catch anything that might jeopardize Maine. In July, we were in Maine the whole month. Now that I’m back, it’s time to consider returning. To that end, I thought I would head over and check the place out yesterday afternoon, to see what changes they had made. They were gracious enough to allow me to take pictures, a practice they normally frown upon, since they knew that I needed to convince the COVID police, ie...my wife! Here’s what I found:

No steam room. No sauna.

No basketball.

Social distancing at AmFam is 10 feet, not 6 feet.

No more free water.

Literally every machine of every description has it’s own disinfectant spray bottle.

Upon entering the facility, everyone must take and use a blue wiping off equipment towel.

Don’t get too close in the locker room, fellas.

Only use the equipment without the red cones!!

I went over right around lunch hour which is normally a busy time. On the entire first floor I saw maybe four and five people. I asked Al, the manager, about the crowds. he pointed to the nearly empty floor and said, This is about how it is all the time...

So, what say you? Should a 62 year old man with more than his share of risk factors go back...or not?

The Wages of Fame

Since my return from Maine I have gotten back into the rhythm of my normal life, which includes a daily dose of news with my first cup of coffee. I’ve learned of Donald Trump’s plans to cling to office after the 2020 election, even if he loses. I’ve been brought up to speed on the 60 day protest lalapalooza that is Portland, Oregon. I have learned about the nine women who are being considered as Joe Biden’s running mate. I’m all caught up on the latest leaks from the Jeffrey Epstein case, including the shocking news that Bill Clinton was seen on the premises of Pedo Island with not one, but two underage girls on his arms. But, honestly, the story that has captured my imagination the most is the Fall of Ellen DeGeneres. Holy Crap.

Ellen has been on an unprecedented roll for what seems like decades now. The heiress to the vacated Oprah throne, Ellen had it all. She was funny and cute. Her show featured super fun stunts and gags. She was reliably progressive, famously lesbian, and all of the beautiful people adored her. What could possibly go wrong? I mean, seriously...if anyone in Hollywood was bulletproof it had to be her, right? Sure, Harvey Weinstein was powerful, but he was a man, and a Jewish one at that, in the age of #METOO. But, Ellen DeGeneres?? Untouchable, one would think.

Confession, back in the days before COVID when I was a three days a week American Family guy, I would find myself on the treadmill during the airing of her show, so I watched it quite often, sometimes with subtitles sometimes without. Either way I always found her incredibly charming and funny. I particularly liked her sign off line...be kind. Now, if I understand correctly, her show was a hot mess of racism, and sexual misconduct and Ellen herself was a diva-tyrant.

I have no idea what to think about it all. Does it really surprise me that a Hollywood type would wind up being an epic phoney baloney? Of course not. But on the other hand, isn’t this always the way? Isn’t this what we do to every big shot in this country? We love our stars...right up until the moment when we don’t. We applaud them during their ascension, then watch, transfixed, when they crash back down to Earth. It’s like a parlor game with us. Most of the faux friendships that Ellen cultivated when she was Queen vanished into thin air at the first whiff of scandal. She has become untouchable. That Quick.

Fame is fleeting, they say. But in America, too often, when it exits your body it leaves you with nothing.

I think I’ll pass.

Back To Church

On Sunday morning, March the 8th, 2020, Pam and I attended the 11:00 worship service at Hope Church. We didn’t know it at the time, but it would be the last time we walked through the doors of our church. The following week Hope announced a temporary suspension of Sunday gatherings because of the COVID outbreak. This morning, 21 weeks later, we are headed back to church. Much has changed.

For one thing, we had to RSVP online to secure a seat in this limited reopening. The gathering has a limited number of openings. The main auditorium is closed to the congregation, those attending will be gathering in three different spaces on the campus, watching the live service taking place in the main auditorium via Live stream screens erected in The Lodge, the movie room in the children’s department, and the multi-purpose room. Seats will be grouped for families and couples, but in a socially distant configuration. I’m not sure what the mask protocol is but I would imagine we will be wearing them. No physical offering will be collected. No coffee service.

It’s going to feel very strange. During this 21 week layoff Pam and I have watched many services on Hope’s live stream. Although they were better than nothing and they consistently improved week to week, we quickly grew tired of them. They were clunky and flat and I suppose they couldn’t possibly have been anything else. Our pastors didn’t sign up for preaching in an empty television studio, which is what our auditorium had been transformed into, and it showed. But, at least we could see their faces, hear a word from them. That helped. But something was missing...the rest of us, the church.

Today, I will see people, I will recognize pairs of eyes peaking out from the top of these accursed masks. I will strike up more conversations than I ever do on any other Sunday. I want to hear from others in my church. How have they been? Are they holding up? There won’t be any hugs on hand shakes. Will there ever be again? But I will elbow pump a few folks, air hug a few others. I will send my offering using the pay portal on the Hope app. Much has changed.

But today is a great day. I get to go to church. Inside a church building. Along side a collection of wonderful, kind, nervous, and flawed people who are, every one, just as wonderful, kind, nervous and flawed as I will be.

Can’t. Wait.

Friday Frustration

Yesterday wasn’t a good day in our politics, although admittedly, the bar is exceedingly low on that score. What would a good day look like?

First there was the absurd theatre of Mitch McConnell vs. Nancy Pelosi, two of the crustiest fossils on Capital Hill, negotiating over how many trillions of dollars the latest COVID relief package is going to be. Over the past four months in four different bills Congress has already spent 3 trillion dollars on Covid relief. This latest package will be between one and three trillion more, depending on which fossil prevails. Not one penny of these trillions of dollars was money that we actually...have. So, all of it was borrowed, a veritable geyser of red ink spewing forth from the Capital Dome. Thus we were treated to the preposterous assertion that Mitch McConnell’s one trillion dollar offer was miserly. 

How much is a trillion dollars, you ask? See, here’s the thing. You and I can’t fathom such a sum. We hear the word trillion and we think... a large sum, but we can’t comprehend such a number. Here’s how much one trillion is...if you went back to the year of our savior’s birth and began spending one million dollars every single day for the past 2020 years...you would still have over 250 billion dollars left. The United States of America currently has 24 trillion dollars of debt...before the two fossils come to an agreement over how much more to pile on top. How many of our leaders are troubled by this Mount Everest of debt and the every increasing percentage of the federal budget required to service it? None. Zero. In fact, our elected officials are busy coming up with even more ways to spend money we don’t have. There are serious people making serious proposals for free college education for all, a wiping out of student debt, universal health care, government paid daycare, even slavery reparations is now in the mix. I watch it all in a befuddled daze.

Then there’s this...yesterday, President Trump’s Twitter Feed—the inflamed canker sore on the lip of the Country—belched forth yet another towering pile of nonsense onto the body politic:

“With Universal Mail-In Voting (not Absentee Voting, which is good), 2020 will be the most INACCURATE & FRAUDULENT Election in history. It will be a great embarrassment to the USA. Delay the Election until people can properly, securely and safely vote???”

 

Where in the world to begin? Politicians of every stripe have always complained about the fairness of elections, especially the ones they lose. It’s an American tradition. Remember 1960 when John Kennedy inched out Richard Nixon? That was only because Democratic Mayor, Richard Daley saw to it that 9,000 recently departed Chicagoans pulled the lever for Kennedy, giving him the electoral votes of the great state of Illinois!! So, complaining about election fraud is nothing new. What is new is complaining about election fraud in an election that hasn’t taken place yet, when the one doing the complaining is the sitting President who hopes to be on the ballot!! Aside from Trump’s incessant need to be the center of every conversation, this Tweet had one purpose and one purpose only...to delegitimization an election that he believes he’s going to lose. If he can sew enough doubt in the reliability of the count, he will always be able to say in his dotage, “I never lost an election, I was robbed.” To their credit, Republican leaders were quick and unanimous in their rejection of this foolishness. This country, through pestilence, peril and even civil war, has never postponed a Presidential election, and we are not about to start now just to assuage Donald Trump’s fragile ego.

DISCLAIMER: Since this is a political blog post, many of you will be furious with the opinions expressed here and feel the need to engage me in debate about this point or that. However, it should be noted that this post was written not to persuade any of you, but rather to get a great deal of frustration off my chest. If you find yourself itching to rip my opinions to shreds, I have a suggestion for you....start your own blog.