Handicapping 2020

In less than a year from now we will have elected the 46th President of these United States. To get from here to there we will have to endure the 2020 campaign which is just now starting to heat up. It promises to be a tortuous, cringe-worthy slugfest that will call into question our ability as a nation to sustain self government. On the other hand, comedians will have a field day. I have always prided myself on my ability to read the tea leaves of political momentum. In the past I have had a decent record of predicting the outcome of elections in advance. This year I haven’t the foggiest notion of what will happen. Just when I think I have a clue, something weird happens and I’m back to square one. Several times on this blog I have written handicapping posts where I examine the prospects of the various candidates. That’s out the window this time, partially because everything is so out of whack, but mostly because I haven’t watched a single debate and therefore aren’t as well informed as I used to be in these matters. So what follows is more a gut feeling than an analysis of facts. But, since nobody seems to care about actual facts anymore, I feel right at home!

The Republicans

Officially there is only one candidate...the sitting President, Donald Trump. But at the moment he is the subject of an Impeachment inquiry, which calls into question his availability come Election Day. If he survives Impeachment, he will be the candidate. But if he doesn’t, all hell will break loose for Republicans. With Mike Pence being the successor President, he would most likely be the candidate. But, just suppose something happened to disqualify him, or he simply chose not to run? Who on the Republican side of the aisle has the statue and resume to become a Presidential candidate in a pinch? Only a few names come to mind... Condoleezza Rice, Nikki Haley, Mitt Romney, and ??? It really doesn’t matter though, since any candidate who is forced to run as a replacement for an Impeached President has zero chance of winning. So, it’s either Trump or nothing for Republicans. Looking at raw numbers, it doesn’t look good for the Donald. But this is America in 2019. Anything can happen, including his reelection.

The Democrats

I will pretend for a moment to understand the thinking and sensibilities of the Left. I think that of the 157 candidates running for President for the Democrats, only four or five of them have a serious chance at winning the nomination. In my view they are...Biden, Warren, Sanders and Buttigieg. Of those four, Biden and Warren feel like first tier. Sanders is too old and way too white. And I don’t think America or even the Democratic Party for that matter is ready for a gay President. That leaves Biden and Warren. Joe Biden seems old and spent to me, and not nearly liberal enough for today’s Democratic Party which seems to sense a generational opportunity to move the country further left than they thought possible in their wildest dreams a mere four years ago. So, I’m thinking that unless something unforeseen takes place, perhaps a personal scandal pops up out of her past bad enough to damage her, (bringing Hillary Clinton back into the race), its Elizabeth Warren’s nomination to lose.

Senator Warren loves to rail against the rich and has promised a grab bag of fresh new entitlements bankrolled by taxing their wealth. In doing so she has an easier path to victory. Who doesn’t relish the thought of getting free stuff paid for by the filthy rich? She may be right in her view that the American people want more socialism and less capitalism. To the extent that she can convince voters that the bounty of free health care, free college tuition, the wiping out of college debt and the Green New Deal etc. won’t cost us anything, just those treacherous billionaires, she could win. If I were a betting man...I would never bet on politics. But, say I was a drunk betting man...I would bet on Warren. Just in case you’re wondering...who would I prefer as President if it had to be a Democrat? Buttigieg. He’s the only non-millionaire in the race and he served his country in the military and is the only candidate running who passes the beer test—which candidate you would most like to have a beer with. He edges out Joe Biden for that honor.

So, there you have it. Trump v. Warren. Good luck, America.

About This Chick-Fil-A Thing...

I don’t know about you but my social media feeds have suddenly become dominated by Chick-Fil-A. Lots of rage from hardcore fans at the company’s alleged betrayal of their base and accusations of capitulation to the radical LBGTQ lynch mob. All of this coming as the result of a change in Chick-Fil-A’s charitable giving plans.

I will not here debate the specific issue at hand. The defunding of the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, depending on who you listen to is either a grave betrayal of Christianity or simply the expiration of their giving contract and a change in giving strategy to concentrate more on local community organizations rather than national ones. I’ll let everyone else debate that. I will simply make this observation...

It used to be the view of most Chick-Fil-A supporters that as a private company in a free country, who they decided to make charitable donations to was their business. This was a practically unanimous sentiment up until about 48 hours ago when this story broke. Now, everything appears to have changed. Now, it is very much the business of a lot of upset customers who Chick-Fil-A decides to make charitable contributions to. I don’t get it...which is it? What’s the difference between LBGTQ activists pitching a fit over charitable donations made to organizations with whom they disapprove, and when aggrieved Christians pitch a fit based over a charity they like getting defunded? Whatever happened to “It’s their business”?

Here’s my view. I don’t eat there often, but I love Chick-Fil-A. They make one delicious chicken sandwich. Their employees are polite and courteous. Their service is terrific. As a result, they make a boat load of money. I am also very gratified that they feel a responsibility to actually make large and consistent charitable contributions in amounts and percentages that dwarf most other companies. But, that’s where my interest ends. I figure that, as a private company, they can make their own decisions about where to give their money. If I find out that they are big contributors to Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump, neither of these unfortunate choices will change the fact that the local Chick-Fil-A I go to still makes one heck of a delicious chicken sandwich, and the guy or girl who operates it had absolutely nothing to do with the charitable donation decisions made in Atlanta. Why would I want to punish him or her anyway? Besides, it’s almost noon and I’m starving!

Blurb

When Jack Rigsby’s wife is brutally murdered in the parking lot of a convenience store, his life descends into an abyss of guilt and grief, made infinitely worse by the discovery that her killer has a connection to a secret from his past. Saving Jack is a story of betrayal, family secrets, grief and the limits of forgiveness.

The closer I get to publishing Saving Jack, the more nervous I get. It’s one thing to publish a blog nearly every day for nine years—over 2000 posts and counting—its another thing altogether to publish a work of the imagination, one which will be open to criticism. I mean, I think it’s good. I’ve worked hard on it and poured a lot of effort into making it better. But, who knows what others will think?

One of the things I must do, I’m told, is come up with a short description of the book...a blurb. My first attempt is above. The question is, if you read only those two sentences, would it compel you to want to read the rest of the story? 

The next thing I need to do is determine a price for the e-book version. How much would people be willing to pay to read a book from a nobody writer like me? Good question. Some say that I should either price it super low or give it away for free. The logic behind this is that since I have two more novels ready after this one, the more people who can be persuaded to read this one, the more people will be willing to pay for subsequent titles. I get it. I understand marketing. But, I’ve been giving away writing for nine years for free on this blog. It would be nice to be compensated for a change. Also, if this book sells zero copies the only damage that will be done will be to my ego, not my checkbook. This is a hobby, not my job. So, I’m thinking I will price the thing at $9.99 and let the chips fall where they may. Depending on how well it does, I might consider having hardbacks printed. 

Got an updated cover art sample from my graphics guy...cool.

Choose Wisely

Six years ago I hired an executive assistant. She’s smart, efficient and dependable. But the best part about her is the fact that she is as unimpressed with me as it is possible to be, the queen of the affected eye-roll, and a world class wisenheimer. Yesterday, however, she was something else. She was wise and discerning...

Me: You read my blog this morning?

Her: Yes! Can I make a suggestion?

Me: Sure.

Her: Every time you write a blog about her you call her your “sick friend” or your “friend with cancer”

Me: Yeah, because I don’t want to use her real name because of privacy.

Her: Sure, but she’s much more than that, right? Sick? Cancer? You’re defining her too negatively!

Of course, she is absolutely right. Those are both terrible modifiers. They only describe what she is going through, not who she is.

This morning, another friend of mine sent out an email devotional like he does every week. In it he talked about visiting Old Faithful out in Wyoming a few years back. He used two words to describe it...magnificent and reliable. I responded by observing how rare it is that we use those two words to describe the same thing. Usually in life things and people are either magnificent or reliable, seldom are both traits found in the same thing or person. Words have power, and what words we choose to describe people is important. Sick and cancer are the two worst possible words I could have used to describe my friend.

So, from now on I will use more appropriate and descriptive adjectives. Words like brave and courageous.

The lesson in this is that words matter. They have the power to bless and curse, to lift up and to tear down, to edify and to label. 

Choose wisely.

Cheap Laughs (are better than no laughs at all)

I was talking with my sick friend this morning when she told me about the most recent symptom of her chemo. Suddenly her hands have started shedding their skin like a snake. Because I asked, she sent me a picture. Holy Cow. Almost instantly I found myself scrambling around for jokes to send her. It felt awkward to be cracking jokes right after she had shared such a disturbing new twist in her journey, but it was almost an involuntary impulse. I can’t help myself. 

But the experience reminded me of one of the worst days of my life from five years ago when my two sisters and I spent a day searching Richmond for a nursing home for Dad. I remembered feeling about two seconds removed from crying like a baby all day long. But I held it together by...telling jokes. 

Shopping For Nursing Homes

I just spent the day shopping for a nursing home for my Dad. In many ways, it was the most heart wrenching experience of my life. I was with my two sisters who seemed so remarkably composed and professional when all I wanted to do was throw something. But I managed to mask my emotions well enough to get through an extraordinarily difficult job that simply had to be done. To make a long story short, we ended up picking the very first place we visited, a remarkably unanimous decision from a family famous for our contentiousness. We felt the power of the hundreds of prayers which were being lifted on our behalf and by the end of the day felt as good about our decision as one can feel about this sort of thing. So, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression about what follows. 

Throughout my entire life I have dealt with the most unpleasant events with dark humor, some would say gallows humor. They tell me that it is a complex and rather bizarre coping mechanism, but whatever, all I know is, it gets me through some rough days. Driving between nursing homes today I started compiling an assortment of David Letterman top ten lists like, things you don’t want to see in a nursing home, or the top ten indications that you’ve spent too much time shopping for nursing homes…that sort of thing. Sometime the choice is between bursting into uncontrollable sobbing or start cracking jokes. I’d rather crack jokes:

Things You DO NOT Want to see in a Nursing Home:

1. A social activity in the multi-purpose room called “bedpan bingo.”  
2. A banner hanging in the nurse’s station congratulating them on going 37 consecutive days without a patient wandering off the property.
3. You don’t want to stumble upon a rowdy group of PT people playing beer pong with specimen cups.
4. When touring a Catholic home, you don’t want to see red “last rights hot line” phones at every bedside.

Misc. Tips:

1. Just because the Jewish homes smell like delicatessens when you first walk in doesn’t mean that there is no urine smell on the premises. 
2. Before agreeing to take the “dime tour” ask how much the place costs first. It speeds up the process.
3. Even though you’ve done your research online and already know how many “stars” Medicare has given the place you are visiting, ask the admissions guy how many stars the place has, ESPECIALLY if they got a bad write up last year and only got two stars. It’s kind of fun watching him squirm and hearing the fascinating back story.

How You Know You Have Spent Too Long Shopping For Nursing Homes:

1. When it occurs to you that you’ve used the word “incontinence” more times in the last five hours than you had in the 56 previous years of your life.
2. When you decide to ask the woman who has just told you that their skilled nursing unit costs $220 a day, if you could get a discount if you went with unskilled nurses instead.
   
   
   
   
   So, I suppose nothing has changed. I’m still whistling past every graveyard I encounter in this life. It’s probably not the most mature, adult way of dealing with your problems but it works for me. 
   
   
   
   

No Respect

I knew that it was a matter of time before I was going to have to break into my Rodney Dangerfield collection for my friend with cancer. I had been putting it off, not wanting to peak too soon. But with Rodney, you just can’t go wrong. The man was a comedic marvel who’s ability to rattle off one-liners, machine gun style, was unmatched before or since. You all remember his shtick...the guy who got no respect. His themes were basic and universal. He grew up in a rough neighborhood. He never could catch a break. He was unlucky in love. He had a series of ailments for which he always went to see his famous doctor, Vinnie Boombatz. His kids were no bargain either, ugly, fat and promiscuous. And his mother and father? To call them dysfunctional is to damn them with feint praise!!

So, on this Sunday night, I have complied some of my all time favorites by category for your edification.

ROUGH CHILDHOOD:

"I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot."

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."

"When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.”

“After I was born the doctor slapped my mother.”

“One time I was kidnapped and they sent my old man a piece of my finger in an envelope. My old man says he needed more proof!”

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

“One time I lost my parents at the beach. A cop was helping me and I asked him if we would find them and he says, “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they could hide!”

STUPID FAMILY:

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West."

“I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens."

"Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive."

MEDICAL PROBLEMS:

"I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.”

“Doctor tells me I drink too much. The last time I gave him a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said, 'okay, you're ugly too.”

MARITAL WOES:

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

"My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear."

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

"Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves."

“Who am I kidding? It’s not all her fault. I’m not a very good lover. The other night I caught a peeping Tom booing me!”

If you want to have a good laugh, Google “Dangerfield with Johnny Carson.” His 35 appearances on that show are unmatched. Every joke was his own—he wrote his own material—and you won’t find a single curse word in his delivery. Oh, despite at least a million attempts, he never loosened that red tie!!

What a maroon...

Last night I attended the C.S. Lewis play, The Reluctant Convert, at the Paramount Theatre in Charlottesville. It was fantastic and the actor who portrayed him was delightfully good. Packed house. Wonderful show. Lewis has always been one of my hero’s, his writings did more than anything else to help me work my way through the intellectual underpinnings of my faith, making it real and dependable. To read Lewis is to be reminded of one’s intellectual shortcomings. To listen to his character hold forth for 80 minutes felt like a master class in English Literature, rhetoric, philosophy and religion...with more than enough wit mixed in make it palatable to even the most ardent atheist. A great time.

Then, after the show and a ten minute delay, the actor reappeared on stage, having removed his costume and makeup, to take questions from the audience about the show. It is always a risky thing to offer an audience to the general public because of the undeniable fact that most people are idiots. Sure enough, about four questions in, an older man stands up and offers the following gem. Ok, remember what this play was about, something that it might be easy enough to discover simply by the play’s name...The Reluctant Convert. It is the story of how an avowed atheist, and renowned scholar of classic literature went from being an atheist to becoming perhaps the greatest apologist since the Apostle Paul over a period of 20 years:

“Can you explain to us how it is that C S Lewis went from being a devoted atheist to an ardent believer??”

To which Max McLean relied, “What? Would you like me to do the play again?”

Perfect. Answer.

As that other noted philosopher and scholar, Bugs Bunny would say...what a maroon!!!