It’s On!

There’s no turning back now. The pre-trip planning meeting/confab has taken place. The ladies of the family all gathered here last night to plot strategies. Floor plans filled the screen of the TV. Google Docs from past grocery lists, along with menus from years past were displayed with digital accuracy. Tactical issues were on the table, room assignments hashed out. There was key lime pie. I remained firmly ensconced in my recliner upstairs with Lucy, safely out of harm’s way. Within two short hours, we had a plan. Dunnevant Family Beach Week...is on.

In a fortnight, 19 of us will descend on this unsuspecting house in Salvo, on Hatteras Island for the 16th iteration of this tradition. We have come a long way since that very first mildew and cockroach infested bungalow in Sandbridge 30 years ago. Back then, Mom and Granny Till did most of the cooking. Somewhere along the line somebody came up with the fateful and ill-considered idea to assign each family the job of making dinner for everyone. As of this hour, Pam is the only one who has not decided on a menu. My suggestion of subs and Krispi Kreme went over like a lead balloon. She seems hesitant to plan a meal which requires me to cook on the grill since it’s charcoal only...as if I am incapable of making the adjustment from gas. Nonsense. I am capable of both undercooking and burning the hell out of any cut of meat, regardless of what fuel is used!!

There will be no dogs this year. Becca the dog whisperer has been employed once again, much to Lucy’s delight. I have secured a couple of new, disgusting practical joke props to add to my reputation for mischief and juvenile chicanery. Let’s just say that if it creeps, crawls, or slithers I’ve got it covered.

This year, it appears that my clan will have the bottom floor of the house, the six of us occupying the three bedrooms and two bathrooms down there. Of course, this means that I will have to walk up not one, but TWO flights of stairs each day to get my morning coffee. In the spirit of compromise and congeniality, I have chosen to overlook this outrage. 

Our Newest Dunnevant!!

We got the news while we were in Isle of Palms via FaceTime. Then Saturday, out of nowhere, a barrage of pictures and videos...

This handsome little guy is my new GrandPup. As of this hour, he has no name. He won’t be picked up for good for another 3 weeks. But, he has been picked out...or rather, he picked Patrick and Sarah out.

Just in case you’re keeping score at home, this makes three Golden Retrievers in the Dunnevant tribe, which will make for a lot of chaos and Tomfoolery the next time we are all together in the same house. This year’s Christmas picture promises to be a doozy!

Mom and Dad are thrilled. And from the look of those paws, eventually they are going to have a lot to be thrilled about!

Pam and I couldn’t be happier. For one thing, we love Goldens, and secondly, getting and caring for a puppy is excellent training for that glorious day when we get a FaceTime call from one of our kids announcing the pending arrival of our first Grandchild!!

Equality at the Cross

Recently I have been forced to face a long time nemesis of mine, a nearly life long prejudice that I developed during college and never have quite turned loose of since. It is a story filled with resentment and irony, and like all prejudices, ultimately debilitating. It started my freshman year at the University of Richmond.

I was blessed with an incredible family. My parents were amazing people who loved their four children to the moon and back. But, we never had any money. My dad was a Baptist minister of a smaller country church which didn’t pay a lot. We always lived in housing supplied by the church...a parsonage...as it was called. I don’t remember thinking anything of our relative poverty while I was in middle school and high school since most other kids I went to school with were in the same shape. But when it was time for me to attend college, things changed. Dad informed me that he would not be able to help me out with any of the costs of college, so it was probably out of the question for me to go away to school. I would have to commute and University of Richmond was his alma mater so...In order for me to attend college, I was going to have to work almost full time hours somewhere, and even then would be required to take out loans every year. So, I was fortunate enough to land a job at an equipment company out at the Hanover Industrial Air Park where I worked five days a week from 12:30 to 5:30. That meant all morning classes and late night trips from my home in Elmont, Virginia to Boatwright library at night. There was no use bitching about it...it’s just the way it was.

I began to notice...and resent...the many guys at UofR who were from up north, Connecticut, Massachusetts and New Jersey. They drove BMW’s and were sent allowances from their parents every month. I envied them their cars, their free afternoons, their exuberant college experiences. My Volkswagen barely got me from campus to Ashland everyday, and by the time I had spent 5 hours in an unairconditioned warehouse building wooden pallets all day, and a couple of hours in the library, parties were a rare luxury...not a nightly ritual. Over the four and a half years it took me to graduate, I developed a deep resentment for...rich people...the kinds of people who gave their teenage sons European luxury cars, the kinds of people who inherited money, the kinds of people who joined country clubs and sent their kids to Collegiate. I listened to them talk about their money, I heard the stories of their wealth and became keenly aware of my own heritage...a grandfather who was a share cropper...and slowly, a bitterness began to form in my heart. A chip climbed up on my shoulder and in many ways has never left.

Of course the ironies of such a prejudice are striking. I have made a living as an investment advisor, helping regular people get rich and rich people get richer. My profession places me smack dab in the middle of the kinds of people I learned to resent all those years ago. I love my clients. They are great people. Yet..I still feel uncomfortable driving through an affluent neighborhood. Even though I can afford it, there isn’t a country club anywhere in the world that I would join. And now...for the last three years I have found a church home that I dearly love...but in which I am surrounded by people who send their kids to Collegiate!! Like I said, ironies abound.

Here’s what I’ve learned at Hope Church. The unspeakable heartbreaks of life are no respecter of persons. God is not impressed with our money, our cars or our homes. Tragedy befalls all of us, rich and poor alike. Cancer takes our kids from us. Our kids get destroyed by addictions. Those we love the most still lose their way and take their own lives...whether we live on River Road or in public housing. Although we all know this intellectually, it becomes real when it happens to someone you have come to know. 

Attending an affluent church like Hope has been an adjustment for me. I still feel a bit uncomfortable there at times. The old resentments rise to the surface at the strangest times. But, I’ve met some incredible people there, people who are forcing me to examine myself and my resentments. I’m learning to look past the surface, to take the time to get past the superficial. Underneath the trappings, we are all human beings trying to make sense of the world, searching for transcendent meaning. It is at the cross where we discover our equality. It’s the place where we lay aside our differences. For the first time I’m learning how to do just that.

What Do I Do With My New Hour??

I deleted my Twitter account last night. My wife had suggested that I could just block people who made the experience unenjoyable for me...and she had a point, but upon further reflection I just decided to be done with it. For one thing, the Twitter statistics told me that I spent an average of over an hour a day on the thing. So, by deleting Twitter, I have reclaimed 30 hours of my life back every month. That’s like gaining back an entire day each month, 12 days a year. What will I do with all this new free time?! Well, this morning, I spent a good chunk of it shooting squirrels, a much more fulfilling hobby.

But, it has gotten me to thinking...what would be a better way to spend a spare hour every day than flipping through Twitter?

1. Become a more consistent and thorough flosser.

2. Spend more time praying for friends, family and enemies.

3. Take some time to write friends the occasional note of encouragement.

4. Learn the proper use of the dreaded apostrophe ie..its vs. it’s...which has always been the bane of my literary existence.

5. Learn how to bake bread.

The worst way to use my new hour each day?

1. Spend an extra hour on Facebook.

2. Immerse myself in all things Trump.

3. Learn everything there is to know about Bernie Sanders.

4. Figure out a way to communicate to Lucy that thunder will not, in fact, kill her.

5. Give soccer a chance.

Alrighty then...I suppose I should get started!

Old vs. New

My wife often accuses me of being an old fuddy-duddy, in that I never like anything new, always preferring the versions from my younger days. I must admit that the accusation is mostly true, but not universal. For example, it is my firm conviction that modern country music isn’t country music at all, but rather synthesized pop songs written about nothing, sung by mostly men with southern accents. But...Brad Paisley is still great. There are always exceptions to the rules. I might generally disapprove of modern television programming, but when something like Breaking Bad comes along, I have to admit that it’s as good a drama as has ever been on television. 

However, my attachment to things from my younger days is not absolute.  Craft beer is ten times better than a single can ever brewed by Miller, Coors and Anheuser-Busch combined!  Every single time I turn on the heated seats in my car, I say a prayer of thanks for modern innovation! In fact, from a technological standpoint, I am quite thankful to be alive in 2019. My life has been made infinitely more convenient than it would have been if I were 61 in 1958. My cell phone alone is a life changing marvel. You couldn’t pay me enough money to go back to the rotary phone days. Advancements in medicine make this the greatest time in history to get sick. Ailments which used to carry life sentences can now be cured with over the counter remedies. You want to book a vacation? Try doing that in 1965. Good luck getting that road atlas folded back up.

It’s true...I still prefer 1970’s baseball to the modern game. Games were shorter, players tougher. That doesn’t mean that I can’t realize and appreciate the fact that Mike Trout is an all-time talent. I liked the NBA much more when it featured Michael Jordan, Larry Bird and Magic Johnson...but that doesn’t mean that I can’t see and appreciate the greatness of Lebron James. 

Then there’s social media. Contrary to my wife’s putdowns, I have always been a big fan of that most modern innovation. Facebook has a thousand flaws, but it’s ability to bring us together has made keeping up with old friends immeasurably easier. Almost all forms of social media have tremendous potential for good, along with extraordinary capabilities for mischief. Whichever outcome you enjoy depends almost entirely on your behavior as the user. I have been on Facebook for over a decade, Instagram for just a couple of months, and Twitter for almost seven years. 90% of the time I enjoy Facebook. I don’t entirely understand this Instagram business, can’t figure out the purpose of the thing. Maybe I’ll figure it out over time. With Twitter, it’s a different story...

I’m thinking seriously about deleting my account. Why? Mostly because I think it’s making me dumber. I am told that the average user of Twitter is much wealthier, younger, and liberal than I am, although I have heard from plenty of older conservatives. Its just the medium itself that doesn’t lend itself well to reasoned debate...and that’s exactly what Twitter is...a debating platform. A more accurate description of Twitter would be to say it’s a place people come to make misrepresentations of their enemies positions on every issue imaginable. The goal is to come up with the best meme, to own, to troll, to say things that you would never say to another person face to face. At first it was entertaining as hell. I would gawk at the proceedings, mouth agape, for hours. But soon it became like rubbernecking a horrible accident on the freeway, searching for a severed head. It’s started to make me feel guilty for exposing myself to so much cheap hatred. I always come away feeling...dumber, far less enlightened, and generally in an ill-temper. I don’t think it’s worth it. That old scripture verse comes to mind...

...I will set no vile thing before my eyes...

Psalm 101:3

Ordering My New Zealand Brochures

It is now June of 2019. In less than a fortnight the Democrats will hold their first televised Presidential debate. There will be 20 candidates on the stage, three less than the number of declared candidates. It will mark the unofficial beginning of the 2020 election season.

Saints preserve us.

It was my wife who reminded me of what the next 18 months will bring on our trip down to Isle of Palms. Out of nowhere she said, Can you imagine how horrible the next election is going to be? I can’t, actually. First of all, I still haven’t gotten over the last one...https://doug-thetempest.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-morning-after.html.

This feels like unchartered waters. There is no precedent for Donald Trump. The Democratic Party has never in my lifetime been so enamored with Socialism, or at least this willing to admit it. There is talk of wiping out student debt, making college free, Medicare for all, wealth taxes, guaranteed income for all, slavery reparations. It’s like all the dudes and dudettes wearing the Che Guevara t-shirts back in the 60’s are now running the show. Then, there’s Joe Biden. I know that all the polls say he’s the front runner, but I don’t buy it. He looks ancient to me. This doesn’t seem like the year that the Dems will nominate an old white man. The real front runner seems to be Elizabeth Warren. But, what do I know?

Pam asked me if I thought anyone in the Republican Party will challenge Trump. My answer was an emphatic...No. They have made their bed, now they have to lay in it. So, it will be Donald Trump vs. a Democratic Party candidate who will be the preferred candidate of every television network not named FOX NEWS, every newspaper not named THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, every movie star, pop singer and television actor in the country. Every poll will predict a landslide victory for the Democrat. A long list of A-list celebrities will promise to leave the country if Trump wins. Evangelical leaders will predict the unleashing of the four horses of the apocalypse if Trump is defeated. Twitter will become more dangerous to your health than a swim in the pool at the Chernobyl Hilton.

I hear New Zealand is a nice place...

A REAL Dad Tribute

Without even looking, I know that my various social media feeds will be full of Father’s Day tributes. There will be photographs of fathers and sons, and all sorts of conflicting claims as to which one is, in fact, the world’s best Dad. To quote Mister Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life...sentimental hogwash!!

What Facebook, Twitter and Instagram need today is a tribute to the real contributions that our Dad’s have made to our development. What I’m talking about isn’t some song and dance about the virtues of honesty, loyalty and hard work. No...I’m referring to the things our dad’s taught us that no one else could. Who but Dad could have made sure we understood where we came from by reminding us that we were not...born in a barn? What could have contributed as much to our understanding of the connection between consumption and employment more than Dad’s refrain, Would somebody in this house learn to turn the lights off when they leave a room?? We don’t work for the power company!! And what about the Hobson’s choice dilemma presented to us by dad’s instruction...Pull my finger?

But all of these important contributions made by our dad’s pale in comparison to their most enduring contribution...The Dad Joke. To that end, I believe that today is the perfect day to remind us of the proud and enduring sense of humor that our father’s have bequeathed to all of us. Enjoy...

You hear that news story about the cartoonist found dead in his home? The details were...sketchy.

Last night, Mom and I watched two DVD’s back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

Went to a seafood disco last night. Just my luck, I pulled a mussel.

Two cannibals were eating a clown when one says to the other...”does this taste funny to you”?

An invisible man married an invisible woman. I bet their kids aren’t anything to look at either.

I went to bed last night wondering what had happened to the sun. Then it dawned on me.

What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other a shaving Roman.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m fine, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Last night I dreamed that I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. Eventually I figured out that it was just a Fanta Sea.

Why did the skeleton belch? Because he didn’t have guts enough to fart.

Have you heard that new music group called Cellophane?

No, what kind of music do they play?

Mostly...wrap.

A steak pun is a rare medium done well.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing classical music? An Orca-stra.