Wow! Look What I Won!?

When I woke up yesterday morning I immediately consulted my handy dandy weather app. I was to be fielding a team in a charity golf tournament at noon and wanted to know how to dress for the event. Sunny with high temperatures in the upper 60’s, it boldly stated. I chose shorts and a short sleeve golf shirt and only at the last minute decided to bring a long sleeve pullover thing just in case the wind picked up. This last minute decision probably saved my life. In my forty plus years of playing the game of golf, I have never played in wind like we had yesterday...the kind of wind that had flagsticks bent nearly at 45 degree angles...the kind of wind that had hats and trash scattered all over the place. In other words...a normal day in Scotland.

As one would expect, the conditions played havoc with my game. I have the kind of golf game that requires nearly perfect weather conditions, the precise alignment of planets, and the proper convergence of karma and feng shui to flourish properly. Needless to say, yesterday, my feng shui had left the building. Essentially, my team only had three functioning players, and luckily for me, I chose wisely. Mike, Scott and Renee were all on top of their games, and the 62 we shot was good for a tie for fourth place out of 22 teams.

Then, it was time for that hardy perennial of charity golf...the raffle. I had purchased two tickets and was unduly hopeful, considering my miserable golfing performance. But, perhaps since I was so unlucky at golf, I would strike raffle gold. Sure enough, my number was called, but in all the chatter and clanging of a hundred wind-crazed golfers, I didn’t hear what it was that I had won. I had my eye on that shiny new Titleist driver, and that set of Ping irons. I bounded to the front with great expectations, only to discover that I had won this...

Imagine how ecstatic I was to discover that I had won...a pair...of really high tech hearing aids...or maybe two nasal probes...or perhaps a couple of remote controlled quarter notes? No, soon I was informed that I was the proud owner of AirPods. As soon as I got home I presented them to my wife as an early birthday present, since there isn’t a way in hell I was ever going to be caught dead with these things dangling from my ears. She was thrilled and informed me that these things are quite expensive and currently all the rage.

Oooo-k.

Day of Reckoning

April 15th has always been my Day of Reckoning. When you run a business that produces uneven and unpredictable results, paying taxes is very much a hope so proposition, as in...I sure hope I paid enough this year. I almost always fail to pay enough estimated taxes during the year, so my tax return comes with a terse cover letter from my accountant informing me of the shortfall. However, over the past few years I have gotten better with my estimating, and have even enjoyed a couple of small refunds. It is a glorious feeling to be told that you have paid the IRS too much money. It’s like reaching into your newly dry cleaned pants pocket and finding a crisp $20 bill. 

Tiger Woods won his 5th Masters yesterday and this morning nearly everyone is over the moon about it, calling it the best comeback in the history of sports. Of course I watched it. I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. It’s the Masters...for a golfer, must see TV. Although Tiger Woods is great for golf in that nobody cares about the sport unless he’s in contention, and Tiger Woods is the best golfer I’ve ever seen, I wanted someone else to win...anyone else. I just can’t for the life of me bring myself to like the guy. Before all of his marital and drug issues I didn’t like him. After all of that I liked him even less. I like a redemption story as much as anyone else, but in Tiger’s case, he probably doesn’t think he’s ever done anything that he needed to be redeemed from, so...sorry, no warm fuzzies here.

I worked at Hope Thrift this past Saturday and as my reward I was allowed to pick out any book to take home. I ran across this one...

I didn’t even think this thing was still in print. I’m only a few chapters in and I am spellbound by the thing. Getting inside the heads of Nazi war criminals is a bizarre journey into delusion, blame shifting and outright denial. Fascinating.

Off to play in a charity golf tournament today while my big sister goes into the hospital for an outpatient procedure. I don’t like it when my big sister goes into the hospital for an outpatient procedure. She is one of the very few indispensable people in the world, and although this procedure isn’t life threatening, I still don’t like the idea of my big sister going into the hospital for an outpatient procedure. And, thats all I have to say about it...don’t like it one bit.

What a World We Live In...

So, this blog is about nature, more specifically, the nature that has been distracting me over the past couple of days. 

First of all, most of the time I am oblivious to nature. I am just too busy and distracted to notice the natural world. But lately that has started to change. Maybe as I’ve gotten older beauty has more power to get my attention than it used to. For example, there’s a private road right across the street from my office that I see literally every single day as I am waiting to make a left turn onto Cox Road. But a couple of days ago, I looked up and saw this...

Out of nowhere, a bank of lilacs had burst onto the scene. Where had THAT come from, I thought. Then, the weirdest thing happened. I found myself turning right and driving over to the private road, pulling the car over and turning on my emergency flashers. I got out of the car and took this picture, then walked over to the curb and took a deep breath...the aroma was glorious. Then, suddenly, I realized how silly it must have looked to see a grown man smelling lilacs in the middle of Short Pump. It occurred to me that this was the sort of thing I never would have done when I was a younger man. Never.

Then, yesterday, I had another encounter with Mother Nature, and this time she was playing the role of deranged and vengeful mother in law. I had been stuck in the office for several hours. When I walked out to the parking lot to go to lunch, the pick up truck that was parked two cars down from me looked like this...

Seriously, Mother Nature? What the heck??

Finally, this morning at roughly 6:15, I head out the front door for Lucy’s morning perambulation. While she is sniffing a snout full of pollen I notice what sounded like a symphony of bird songs. There must have been a hundred different birds all belting out their favorite tunes at the exact same time. It was deafening...and beautiful. I stopped to listen. Even Lucy seems to notice. She stopped for a moment too. It was magical.

What a world we live in...

A Word From Lucy

Good Morning. Lucy, here. Although I try to stay positive and this smile is best I can do under circumstances, past two days have been horrible. Ever since humans got back from puppy-less vacation, my house has been disaster.

First of all, Monday morning, after they both left for work, I had just settled down for first morning snoozle when all of sudden man drove up driveway in big scary truck. Before I could hardly sound  proper bark alarm he started blasting  house with water from large snake hose. Over and over he blasted house with loud, terrible water...not just front of house, but all sides. Splashy sound nearly made me wet myself. Relentless splashing took rest of morning. So much for first and second snoozle.

As if that not enough horrible for rest of life, yesterday it get much worse. Two scary trucks pull up in front of house, waking me from snoozle. Four men climb from truck with large metal stairs which they lay against house, making horrible clanging sound. I think end of world is near. I bark loud and long time...all dog alert. Then men begin scrapping against windows, even windows in my room. Scary man even open window and scrape...and even try to talk to me. Again, I nearly wet myself!! This go on all live long day. Human forget to let me outside to tinkle when he come home for lunch. I hold it in...probably would have been too scared to make water even if he remember. Finally my pretty human come home for mid afternoon tea with friend. Men still outside scrape, scrape scraping. I about to bust. Pretty human ignore me for friend even though I whine like Poodle. I finally wet myself on floor. Great shame descend on me.

Then pretty human say she sorry for not taking me outside. But she no say sorry for horrible scary men who scrape windows and make no mention of water snake man from previous day...like he never even happen. I not forget...he happen!!

No telling what today bring. Maybe more of same. I sleep with one eye open. Lack of proper snoozles wearing me down...but I stay positive and offer you fake smile above...

We Can Quit Anytime We Want

Ever notice how the first day back at work after vacation is almost always problematic? I’ve taken a lot of vacations in my day, so I should know. But, more often than not, bad things happen when you get back to the grind. It’s as if life is trying to remind you that while vacations provide a break from labor, that break is brief and fleeting, so don’t even think about getting cocky. Take yesterday, for example...

We are about to have the exterior trim of our house painted, the first step of which is a power washing. The guy showed up on time and by the time I came home for lunch, he was gone. As I sat down to eat, I noticed that the Internet didn’t work. I restarted everything. Still, no internet. I didn’t have time to investigate so I headed back to work. Pam hurried home from work so she could be at the house when the guy came to install our new dishwasher. While he was doing so, she noticed the lack of internet, and then something else...Alexa had gone silent. Shortly thereafter, the television went dark. We had been hit by the unholy trinity of outages...no internet, no cable, and no Alexa!! In one frightening moment, our house had been cast into the technological black hole of death. To make matters far worse, we both received that dreaded text from Verizon...You are now out of data and will be placed in safe mode for the next seven days. Pam, fighting back a growing wave of panic, went to work on the Verizon app on her phone, troubleshooting the cause of the problem. I blamed everything on the power washer guy...This is what we get for cleaning the outside of the house! How vain to you have to be give your house a bath!! When Pam finally completed the diagnostics, she sighed heavily, fighting back the tears...The earliest we can have a technician come out is Wednesday!! 

Pam tried to distract herself with her shiny new appliance. It is quite an impressive dish washer, with lots of new gizmos and features that makes our old dishwasher look like a washtub. Then she read this line from the decidedly thin instruction book that came with the thing...To learn the proper way to load your new Dish-Killer 2000, please consult the owners manual...online at GEAppliances.com.

Great, she cried, I spend a fortune on a dish washer and they dont even give me an owner’s manual? I’ve got to go online?? And our internet doesn’t work and we’re out of data??!!

I slowly disengaged from the room, sensing that hostilities might soon break out, figuring that the best strategy at times like this might be benign neglect. After fifteen minutes or so, I circled back into the silent kitchen. Pam was peeling carrots over the sink....We are out of ginger, she said to no one in particular, And I can’t even ask Alexa to put it on my grocery list. How will I ever remember?

I hesitantly placed my hand on her back and gave her a gentle rub. Then it hit me...Wait...we don’t have television? How will we watch the game tonight?? Well, I could either find it on my ESPN app or I could just follow Andrew Freiden’s Twitter account...but wait...we have no internet!!!

It was a long and very quiet night. We were forced to have dinner around the kitchen table instead of on the sofa in the living room. Instead of watching a Frazier rerun, we were reduced to talking back and forth about our lousy days at work. If that Wednesday story that Verizon told us is true, there will be two more days of this Stone Age silence. The only unread book in the house was stored on my iPad...a digital copy of James Joyce’ A Portrait of the Artist as A Young Man. I am here to tell you, if I have to wade through the most overrated writer in the history of the English language over the next 48 hours, I might have to kill someone.

And, just in case you’re wondering...no, we are not addicted to technology. We can quit anytime we want to!!

Wait...Lending Institutions Charge Interest?!

I just watched a video clip from last night’s edition of 60 Minutes, where a young student said that the $76,000 loan she had taken out for her first year year of medical school would wind up costing $100,000 if she paid it back over a ten year period. To this, her interviewer, Leslie Stahl, professed profound astonishment...That’s unfathomable, she gasped.

No, Leslie...that’s called interest. Let me explain the concept to you...

When a consumer borrows money, the lending institution charges you interest. The longer you take to pay the loan back, the more interest you pay. For example, if I were to borrow $250,000 to buy a house, and I was charged 5% interest for a 30 year mortgage, I would end up paying the bank $483,000. If I was appalled at the amount of interest I would pay the bank, I could refinance to a 15 year note and perhaps a better interest rate, say...4.5%. In that case, I would only pay the bank $344,000. However, my monthly payment would be nearly $600 more, so I would have to consider whether or not I could afford it. In either case, there is absolutely nothing unfathomable about it. Borrowing money isn’t free.

Of course, the purpose of the 60 Minutes piece was to bang the drum for some sort of free college tuition scheme to be born by some combination of tax-payer subsidy and/or institutional endowment gift-back. For professions that the government deems to have social benefit, tuition would be free. That’s all well and good, and is a discussion worth having...but, for the love of God, Leslie...don’t get the freaking vapors over as simple a concept as loan interest!!

Later in the piece, we are introduced to another medical school student, who lamented his debt load by observing how much of a better doctor he would become if he didn’t have to pay for his education...For one thing, I wouldn’t have to work while I’m in school, so I could spend more time learning. This is very true. When I look back over the years I have spent paying my mortgage, it boggles the mind to imagine how much better a financial advisor I would have been if I didn’t have to pay for my house. And he’s also right about what a drag it is to have to work 30 hours a week while attending college full time.

There are a whole slew of things that would be far better if we didn’t have to pay for them, or better yet, if someone else was forced to pay for them. Maybe medical school is one of them. Maybe housing too, or basic transportation. And what about food? Nothing quite so life sustaining as food. Don’t even get me started on health care. Why, if I didn’t have to worry about paying for health insurance, hell I might be able to go back to school myself and finally get that Master’s Degree in Intersectional French Poetry I’ve always dreamed about.

Things are expensive. Really good and important things like medical school are ridiculously expensive. But, pardon me for not brimming with confidence when people like Leslie Stahl advocate for making stuff free, when they can’t even wrap their minds around the fact that interest is charged on loans!

What States Have the Most Stress?

I recently read an article about some study which was done to determine which states are the most stressful to live in and which were the most stress free. Based upon the headline alone, I immediately constructed my list. For me, the most stress free state was Maine, but to be fair...I don’t live there, especially in the winter! The study produced a top three list. What states would you imagine were on the list?

Most Stress Free States:

Utah

Minnesota

Massachusetts 

Most Stressed Out States:

Louisiana 

Mississippi 

Arkansas

The article went on to explain the methodology of the study, which used measurements of the following qualities to determine their results...work-life balance, low unemployment, less student loan debt, and access to Mother Nature.

Ok, right off the bat I’m suspicious of the study. First of all, every state in the union provides access to Mother Nature. It’s called, “going outside”. Secondly, this work-life balance thing is very much a modern construct which would have been unheard of for 99.9% of human history, along with the historically brand new concept of leisure time. Imagine lecturing Thomas Edison about work-life balance? Try explaining work-life balance to the men and women who settled the West. Besides, the proper mix of work and life I would think would vary widely among human beings. How did these researchers decide on what the proper balance was? Who died and placed them in charge of determining the correct amount of work and life for each person in each of the 50 states? Less student debt is one of the four most important contributors of determining the stress of an entire state? Wait...what?? What a bunch of maroons!!

I look at the results of this survey and one thing practically jumps off the page at me. There is one thing about each of these states that is a dead giveaway as to why they appeared on these lists....the presence/absence of oppressive heat and humidity.

I lived in Louisiana for three years. Whenever I am tempted to complain about the humidity in Short Pump, I think back to what it was like to spend my summers in New Orleans. Try to imagine what it might be like to walk through a Turkish bathhouse in August wearing  a water suit, a parka, and a wool ski mask. Mississippi and Arkansas are right next door. They all share that thick, damp air. You want some work-life balance? I’ve got your work-life balance right here...work for ten minutes, then spend the rest of the hour submerged in a bathtub full of ice.

Utah and Minnesota wouldn’t know humidity if it slapped them in the face. Oh, I’m sure that the fine people of St. Paul still remember exactly where they all were that day back in the 90’s when the thermometer reached 88 that bizarre day in July, when literally everybody wore short sleeve shirts!

The fact is that most stress in life is in direct proportion of how oppressively hot and humid it is outside. Why is it do you think that there is so much violence, hatred and discord in the Middle East? It’s not religion. It’s not the Arab-Israeli conflict. It’s the fact that those poor people spend practically every day of their miserable lives drenched in sweat! You try getting along with your neighbor when you can smell him from 100 yards away!

You want more evidence? When the Dunnevant Clan heads to the Outer Banks for our biennial vacation together, it is mostly a joyous celebration of familial fellowship, where the work-life balance runs along at about 90 to one. But, all of this family love would evaporate faster than a water puddle in Bangkok if the air conditioner went on the fritz. If the 20 of us had to co-exist in an eight bedroom beach house with no AC for more than 36 hours, it would be the Donner party all over again!

Yeah, I could have saved these researchers a lot of trouble.