Life Changer

Had a fascinating conversation with a younger friend of mine the other day. He’s in his mid-forties and on the cusp of a sizable promotion at work. He was trying to decide whether it would be worth it to uproot his family and move away in pursuit of this new position which offered both much more money and greater respect and prestige in his profession. The opportunity to build greater wealth had a lot of appeal for him, since it might allow him to retire earlier than he had thought possible. Still, the upheaval it would bring to his family dynamic and quality of life was a concern. 

As I listened to him it occurred to me that when I was in my mid-forties, something happened to me that forever changed my perspective on the entire money/prestige thing. Emergency open heart surgery will do that to a person, I suppose.

I never had some dramatic, Hollywood-style epiphany. In the weeks of recovery afterwards I was too busy trying to put one foot in front of the other to bother myself with deep existential thoughts about the universe and my place in it. But once I returned to work, something had changed. My business is an intensely competitive enterprise which runs on the twin engines of money and growth. One thing always suggests the other. You are either getting bigger and wealthier or you are shrinking and dying...or so says the conventional wisdom. However, I discovered that there is nothing quite so clarifying of thought than the prospect of eminent death. Suddenly, I started examining everything in business through the prism of, is this really as critical as I think it is? It didn’t take long for me to realize that when it came to the old paradigm of growth and more and more...my heart just wasn’t in it anymore. 

So, I started making changes. I replaced income goals with vacation goals. My primary driver would no longer be exponential growth, but sustainable, manageable growth. I would trade in an increasingly more complex future for a much slower pace. Each year on January 1, the question became, how much time off will I take this year? And since I work for myself and there is no such thing as vacation pay, that meant that I had to be willing to accept less money. In the fifteen years that have gone by since I lay in that cold room counting backwards for the nice Asian anesthesiologist, I suppose I have forfeited quite a bit of money. On the other hand, I’ve never missed a single moment that mattered with my family. I’ve had time to read a thousand books, write a million words...and I have taken some incredible vacations! 

Owning your own business makes all of this possible. I am grateful to be where I am. I’m aware that for people who work for someone else, these decisions can’t be made as easily. My work has placed me in the enviable position of having a measure of control over my schedule and my income. The freedom that comes from such ownership is the single greatest benefit of my life’s work. But, getting off the big, bigger, biggest treadmill was the best decision I ever made, which means that having open heart surgery at age 45 was one of the best things that ever happened to me. 

How weird is that?

Making The Trains Run On Time

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Ever since my Mom passed away, it’s been the occasion of many fond memories, but also a bit of sadness. I suppose that this is a natural thing and as it should be and will be for the remainder of my life. At present there are but two mothers in my life, my mother-in-law and my wife. My mother-in-law’s claim to fame will forever be bringing my wife into this world and raising her so well. My wife, on the other hand, has been and continues to be a legendary mother. A few examples...

To say that the two of us had different parenting styles would be a world class understatement. But, it’s one of the things I believe helped produce two pretty amazing kids. We had different jobs. While their mother was busy demonstrating the cardinal virtues in word and deed in front of our children, I was busy teaching them how to field grounders and break up a double play. While Pam labored to instill a love of books and reading in them, I was upstairs giving them their baths and teaching them how to execute a proper armpit fart. Pam spent countless hours cultivating an appreciation of the arts in our kids, teaching them about what it is to love and cherish fine things. I spent countless hours perfecting the tickle-monster bedtime routine, complete with ethnic diversity twists like the dreaded Chinese tickle-monster....don’t ask. But, it’s not like I taught them nothing of lasting value...the wrestling skills they retain to this day? All me!

But, in our house it was always Mom who made the trains run on time. She’s the one who packed their lunches every day for 12 years, never failing to include a hand written note of encouragement, or an occasional corny joke. It was Mom who always filled out the endless paperwork of childhood, the bureaucratic paper trail of American adolescence. It was Mom who made sure their teeth were straight, their clothes were clean and that everything matched. Mom was the one who scheduled their doctor’s appointments, made sure they showed up everywhere on time. It was Mom who always was there when they returned from school, with a snack, demanding a full report on the day’s adventures. It was Mom who would not tolerate a bad attitude or an uncharitable remark. It was Mom who taught them the crucial importance of manners, an old school term which essentially means...respect. And it was always Mom who did all the worrying. While I always reminded her that...the kids will be fine...she put in a lifetime of 18 hour days making sure they would be. 

Watching my wife with our kids all these years has convinced me that motherhood is more art than science. There is nothing accidental about it. Being a mother, it seems to me, is an eternal commitment to the hard details of life. It is a relentless pursuit, a tireless advocacy campaign, whereby anything or anyone who gets between your children and their best interests is in for an existential fight to the finish. If you were dumb enough to pose a threat to our kids, there would be hell to pay. But, having said all of this, what made Pam so incredible as a mother was the fact that she steadfastly resisted the urge to hover over them. She wasn’t one of those insufferable helicopter moms who think it their job to insure that junior never skins a knee. Pam made sure our kids were prepared for everything, but success or failure was their job. Pam was willing to allow them to fail. 

I had my moments as a dad. Even though I was responsible for financing my family’s adventures, I never became one of those guys who was always too busy making money to show up at the game or the concert. My kids always knew that Dad would be there..at everything. But it is not a case of false modesty to say that in our house there was always only one indispensable person...Mom. The kids knew it. I knew it. Even Mom knew it, and she never buckled under the weight of the job.

What a woman...

                              

31 Years of Parenthood

Thirty-one years ago today, I became a parent for the first time when my daughter, Kaitlin Elizabeth Dunnevant was born. Like all first time parents, I was woefully unprepared for the job, having not been endowed by nature with any of the requisite skills required for successful parenting. I was neither patient, long suffering, or particularly handy with diapers, having changed exactly zero of them ever in my life. I brought no remarkable wisdom to the parenting table, no natural inborn love of children. In fact, it would have been more accurate to say that I didn’t much care for other people’s babies. They were smelly, demanding, and the interminable crying drove me nuts. But, despite being as ill-equipped as humanly possible for such a responsibility...there she was.

Fortunately for us, she was a dream baby. She hardly ever cried, and never for no good reason. Within a couple of weeks she was sleeping five or six hours straight...at night, like human beings are supposed to. Pam and I couldn’t help stumbling onto the vain idea that we were, in fact, great parents, a conceit that would crash to the ground in tatters when our son was born two years later, introducing us to that most crucial virtue...humility. It turned out that it wasn’t so much that we had been great parents with Kaitlin, but rather, that she was a great baby. And so, the pattern of her life was laid out early...my daughter is simply...a great person.

This morning, I woke up thinking about her. It’s weird how that happens sometimes...you wake up with one of your kids on your mind. So, I found myself shuffling through a thousand pictures I have of the two of us through the years. Since it’s her birthday, here are a few of my favorites...

One of her favorite traditions, the annual carving of the pumpkins. Patrick always asked for a scary face, Kaitlin always, always wanted a happy, smiling face. 

College dorm room after a day of slave labor, Kaitlin secure in the knowledge that she had me wrapped around her little finger.

Somewhere in Maine, our forever happy-place.

Michie Tavern for lunch...

Myrtle Beach, where she proved her love for me by not being ashamed to be seen in public with me wearing that shirt.

So, as my little girl celebrates her birthday today, I celebrate her, and thank God for bringing her into my life.

Fashion and Faith...sigh

So, apparently there was a Met Gala last night in New York City which featured a Christian/Catholic theme. All of the beautiful people were there trying to out-do each other on the weirdly camouflage carpet. As a Christian, I am supposed to be appalled and distraught by this blasphemous display. The event has provided me with a huge opportunity to have my feelings hurt. The above photograph, I am assured was the most offensive of the lot, featuring Rihanna dressed like some sort of Pope/Prostitute. The whataboutism brigades were out in force this morning wailing about how when some teenager in Utah dares attend a prom in a traditional Chinese dress, charges of cultural appropiation fly around all over the place, but a bunch of Hollywood liberals can denigrate Christian traditions with impunity. The more sarcastic Tweets observed that they will eagerly await next year’s Islam-themed gala where the likes of Kim Khardasian and Rihanna will come dressed in provocative skin tight burkas, images of the Prophet plastered onto their ample bosoms.

What to think of all this?

Well, for starters, most of the loudest critics of this event were Catholics, and I am not a Catholic so I can’t speak for them. Maybe if I were all of this would feel more offensive. I’m told that the local Cardinal in New York actually provided Rihanna with her head gear, and that the theme of the event had something to do with a collection of Catholic art and artifacts at one of the Met’s sister museums. Be that as it may, it should come as no surprise to anyone who hasn’t been held captive in a cave for the last fifty years that given the opportunity, Hollywood celebrities will always make fools of themselves where fashion is involved. Throw religion into the mix and you’ve got a recipe for..well, for...this...

To which I say...who cares?

Here’s the thing people, I’m exhausted. Enjoy a couple of tacos anymore and you get accused of culturally appropriating Mexicans. You can’t swing a dead cat without either offending someone or being offended by something. I just can’t keep up with it all anymore. I suppose I should look at a photograph of some starlet in a low cut gown festooned with a crucifix and feel spiritually violated, but I just can’t summon up anything approaching indignation. You know why? Because I really don’t care. These people don’t offend me. Why should they? Why should I expect people outside of my faith to be sensitive to my tender feelings? How they choose to dress is their business. There are far more calamitous things going on in this world for Christians to be concerned with than some silly fashion gala in New York City. Sure, the Christian faith is a much more inviting target than Islam would be, but the reason for that is a compliment to my faith since the concepts of freedom of expression and tolerance found the tender soil required to survive and grow in the soil of the Judeo Christian ethic in the first place. So, of course Christian traditions come in for more mockery than Islamic ones in the West...people who regularly mock Muslim traditions in Muslim countries mostly wind up dead.

So, save yourselves the aggravation and stop letting everything hurt your feelings. Just smile and move on. Save your passion and energy for something that really matters. The world has enough snowflakes.

A Question For All of You...

Here’s a question to ponder. If money were no object, and you could travel anywhere in the world to celebrate, say...a 35th wedding anniversary, and you could allot two weeks for such an adventure, where would you go?

This is the question which has been bouncing around in the fever swamps of my addled brain for the past few weeks. The anniversary in question isn’t until 2019, and our plate is currently full with wedding machinations. Still, it’s never too early to begin planning such a momentous occasion, since half the fun is in the dreaming. In order to have a memorable trip, one first has to be able to imagine it.

So, if you could go anywhere for two weeks with the love of your life...where? 

First of all, it has to be a place that would be enchanting to both of us. Sure, a two week jaunt to the Baseball Hall of Fame would be amazing, especially if we could spend a couple of days touring the beef jerky outlets while we were there. But, something tells me that Pam would be underwhelmed. No, it has to be somewhere neither of us has ever been or wouldn’t ordinarily go. That eliminates the following otherwise excellent choices:

The Cayman Islands

Hawaii

The Virgin Islands

England

Switzerland 

Mexico

Bahamas 

Puerto Rico

Jamaica 

Maine

California 

Key West

It needs to be somewhere exotic, or full of historical significance. It also needs to have amazing food. Popular use of the English language would be nice but is not a requirement. Air conditioning is a non-negotiable if I expect my wife to agree to come along.

Ok then...the question has been put to you. Please respond with your thoughtful suggestions.

On Becoming Presbyterian...

Quite the eventful weekend. Spent some time with both my kids. Had a successful suit shopping experience. Became a Presbyterian.

But first...an observation. If the Babylon Bee didn’t already exist, I would have to create it. These guys have performed a crucial public service for me these past couple of years as they adroitly and hilariously rip to shreds the blatant hypocrisy and double standards of modern Christianity for me so I don’t have to...so much. Yes, I am quite often jealous of them, sometimes disturbingly so, and I am always envious of their wit, but a few second tier sins seem a small price to pay for such an uproarious good time. Consider the following headlines, a short list of my personal favorites...

Joel Osteen Googles “What is a Trinity?”

Treasure in Heaven Revealed To Be Bitcoin

Holy Spirit Empowers Man To Make It Through Christian Movie

Calvinist Dog Corrects Owner: “No One Is A Good Boy”

Nation’s Evangelicals Warn They’ll Only Give Trump 1 or 2 Hundred More Mulligans

Evil Christians Oppress Secular New Yorkers With Delicious Chicken Sandwiches 

Hershey’s Replaces “Kisses” With More Pure “Sidehugs” For Christian Market

Elevation Church Debuts Water Slide Baptismal

So, on their second anniversary as a thing..kudos!!

Yeah, so the kids made it here safe and sound for the weekend. The wedding shower was a smashing success, by all accounts, and lots of those disgusting tea party sandwiches were consumed. Everyone in attendance raved about how yummy the cucumber and dill things were, along with all the crudités and Earl Grey...when what they all secretly wanted were bacon cheese burgers and milkshakes.

But, the real victory of The Weekend was the successful purchase of the mystical perfect blue suit for Patrick and his groomsmen. Up until this point, the exact color that Patrick was looking for seemed unattainable on planet Earth. If the color was spotted somewhere, invariably the cut of the suit was all wrong...not slim enough; or if it was the right cut, the price tag was out of the question. When we walked out of Express For Men after a mere two hours in possession of four perfectly blue, sufficiently slim wedding suits, it felt like winning the lottery.

Once all the kids had left for their homes in South Carolina and Tennessee late Sunday afternoon, it was time for Pam and me to head over to Hope for their 5:00 service where we, along with twenty or so others, were presented as new members. Ironically, on the same day that our old church celebrated their 150th year of existence, we ended our combined 96 years of being...Baptists. Although our new church doesn’t make a big deal of the fact that they are, in fact, Presbyterian, the fact that they are is still...a thing, I suppose. A lot of people have asked me if I have noticed any theological differences between Baptists and Presbyterians, and I always answer vaguely. That’s because, aside from the infant baptism thing, there don’t seem to be very many differences. What is different is the points of emphasis, and the style of preaching...and the fact that this particular Presbyterian Church has a ton of money and isn’t afraid to spend it. But, nobody can accuse them of building gigantic, vain cathedrals. Their building looks like it was designed for an upscale office park for startups. It could easily house a distribution center for sustainable dog toys, or perhaps a micro brewery. But, there are differences though. I hear things from this pulpit which I would never hear from a Baptist one...I’m putting myself through Divinity school by tending bar...But, Pam and I are so very grateful to have found this amazing fellowship of believers. At this time in our lives it has been something close to a miracle. Every Sunday we wake up thinking...We get to go to church today!!...a wonderful thing.

Changing Roles

My kids come home today. Both of them. One from Nashville with his fiancée, and the other from Columbia without her husband, who has to work. They will all sleep under my roof this weekend. It is a glorious thing.

The occasion for their visit is a wedding shower, thrown by my sisters, for Sarah. On June the 30th, she will marry my son in a ceremony in Nashville. The logistics involved in this affair have caused considerable angst in my household. It’s no easy task coordinating an event from 600 miles away. If it wasn’t for the internet, it would be impossible. With the internet, it’s often a frustrating exercise. But, the future bride and groom have been diligent and persistent, and things are falling into place. Now, this weekend, something fun.

My feelings about all of this have been a mixed bag. Although I am thrilled by my son’s choice of a wife, and delighted at the prospect of gaining a daughter, there has been an odd and surprising melancholy associated with it all. It’s the sense that with this marriage, my days as a true parent are over. Sure, I know that I will always be their father, but once your kids get married, the dynamic changes and along with it, my roll in their lives. Once the vows are exchanged down in Nashville, I will feel as though Pam and I have finished something. We spent nearly 30 years obsessed with the care and feeding of these two incredible people, in the hope that they would grow into fully mature human beings, ready to make their mark on the world and hopefully, leave it better than they found it. And now, it’s done. What do we do now?

Maybe, like a great athlete, who after his playing days are over takes a job in the front office, we will now become something like...life consultants. At some point down the road we will become grand parents, a clearly defined roll, and all will be well! Or maybe I am making too big a deal about this roll-changing business. Maybe it’s all in my head. Any Dads out there reading this who have already gone through these waters, feel free to share with me your wisdom.

So, today will be a nerve wracking ordeal, like it is every time my kids are on the road. I will fret and fuss all day until they roll up in front of the house. Tomorrow, while Sarah is being celebrated by all the Dunnevant/ Schwartz women, I will be taking Patrick and two of his groomsmen shopping for suits, then to Hardywood for a pint or two, father of the groom duties that I hope not to screw up.

Let the fun begin!