I've Had Enough of This!

In the past couple of days, I have regrettably been introduced to another internet provocateur. A friend of mine, Sam Issacs, posted something on Facebook, then the next day I read a profile written about him on National Review by Ian Tuttle. It was horrifying. I hesitated writing this for fear of giving him, even in this small space, what people like him crave...attention. So, as a compromise, I will not mention his name.

To save me the trouble of having to summarize his toxic ideas, below are two paragraphs from the Tuttle piece which will give you a flavor of what this man is about:

"Bigger is better for xxxxxxxxxx. “Size is status.” He ridicules the “weak” and “weak-minded,” who indulge guilt and shame, or what he calls “slave emotions.” He wants men to be “dominant,” which requires careful attention to juicing recipes, muscular density, and “testosterone biofeedback.” xxxxxxxxxx is very concerned about testosterone. “Check your testosterone levels,” he advises. “Every study on evolutionary psychology has correlated testosterone levels with dominance.” If you’re devoted to a “scientific” approach to masculinity, as xxxxxxxxxx is, you can acquire “super serum” — xxxxxxxxxx's name for semen to which women become “addicted.”

"Xxxxxxxxxx initially was not much interested in politics, except where it involved feminism (Danger & Play: “The two pillars of feminism are narcissism and entitlement”). He generally occupied his time writing blog posts such as “Misogyny Gets You Laid,” “When Should You Compliment a Woman?” [A: “During or after sex”], and “How to Cheat on Your Girlfriend.” But in Donald Trump, xxxxxxxxxx found a man he takes to be a kindred spirit — or, at the very least, an opportunity. He has become a social-media warrior for Trump, unabashedly embracing the label “alt-right” and using his Twitter profile to disseminate fabricated stories. Currently, he has 241,000 Twitter followers. He even scraped another book out of it: MAGA Mindset: Making YOU and America Great Again."

Where to begin? First, I should declare that I have many problems with feminism. But, because I'm a man, there's no point going into detail about those problems since I would be accused of mansplaining. But, if anyone on this planet could make a feminist out of me it would be this idiot. And yet, this man has nearly a quarter million Twitter followers. 

So, it's weak to feel guilty for being a jerk? A sense of shame for boorish behavior equals "slave emotion?" Funny, in the bad old days, this used to be referred to as...having manners or being a gentleman. Now, to this man, and men like him, masculinity is about size and dominance. Where does this view lead? Let Mr. Xxxxxxxxxx tell you:

"To him, being “dominant” justifies declaring that “date rape does not exist,” that “women want to be tamed,” and that one of the key signs of a real man is “aggression,” sexual and otherwise. Lie if you like, cheat if you can; what matters is being the “alpha male.” What is the truly “masculine” man’s maxim? “We are done when I say we are done.”

Suffice it to say, if my mother ever heard anything approaching this coming out of my mouth, she would have worn me out. Further, whatever whipping she would have given me would have paled in comparison to what my father's reaction would have been! The mere idea that the role of men in the world is to dominate women sexually is a the vile philosophy of a childish and ultimately weak man. 

The bottom line is...I'm just tired of reading crap like this. I'm tired of this type of man, this brand of boorishness being celebrated and rewarded by the internet and popular culture. Heck, I'm even tired of reading these sort of words(what used to be called "gutter language") in newspapers as prestigious as the Washington Post. It's time for us all to turn on these people, good and hard, turn against them with every weapon we possess. And we can start by speaking out against it. So I am here to say that this is not what being a man is, it's not even close. 

A Theory

It's been five months since the election, eleven weeks since the Inauguration, and it seems that social media has finally stepped back from the edge. It used to be that every morning, my Facebook wall was plastered with Trump memes, and long angry threads featuring wild accusations of treasonous skullduggery in and around the White House. Suddenly, 90% of that is gone. It's been the same here at The Tempest. I haven't written a Trump-themed blog in quite a while. But not just Trump, I have written much less about political themes than I used to. Why?

Well, it's certainly not because Trump has stopped doing stupid things, and it's certainly not because the democrats have suddenly stopped being hysterical hypocrites. There's something else going on. I have a budding new theory and like all theories, it's incomplete and requires more research and testing...but that's not going to stop me from going off half cocked and writing about it anyway. Here goes.

The election of 2016 was like none other in my lifetime. There has always been bitterness and acrimony associated with presidential politics, but this seemed different, unprecedented. Most of this was due to the fact there hadn't been a candidate like Trump since maybe Andrew Jackson, but that was like 180 years ago and all current politicians,  except Nancy Pelosi weren't  around back then, so most people don't remember Andrew Jackson. Trump was the kind of candidate who provokes insanity both in his followers and his enemies. To his supporters, he can do no wrong. No matter what insane, unhinged thing comes out of his mouth, the diehards are there to provide context, to explain that what sure sounded like a bald face lie to the rest of us was actually a metaphor, or a shrewd tactic designed to achieve some objective invisible to all of us who can't keep up with his four  dimensional chess. Meanwhile, his enemies constantly imbued him with mystical powers of evil, actually believing that when it comes to destroying the country he really is playing four dimensional chess, that he really is capable of shrewd tactics. Every single unhappy thing that happens in the world is due to some nefarious Trumpian machination.

It never seems to occur to the Trump supporter that maybe his nascent administration has been one uninterrupted mistake after another because he's an amateur who doesn't have a clue what the hell he's doing. It also never seems to occur to his enemies that no, he isn't Sauron, and no, he possesses no dictatorial powers and can't, in fact, cast all gay people into a fiery furnace.

So, after a few months pass and Trump is shown to have feet of clay and begins to make a hash of things, his most ardent pre-election, pre-Inauguration fans start to maintain a kind of radio silence, slinking slowly away from the social media square hoping the rest of us won't notice. Meanwhile, those who had been the loudest in their warnings of the horrors that would befall immigrants/homosexuals/women/old people/dogs, can't help but notice that there are still immigrants here, still plenty of loud, rich and happy homosexuals, a host of prosperous and powerful women, loads of old people who haven't yet been thrown into the streets...and cute pictures of dogs are as prominent on Facebook as ever. In other words...life has a knack for going on.

The insanity of political rhetoric runs in direct relationship to the calendar. The closer you get to a major election, the dumber it gets, the more unreliable it gets, the more stark and partisan it gets. Therefore, the closer you get to an election, the less you should pay attention to political rhetoric. But the opposite is true. Most of us can't even be bothered with politics until an election comes along. The rest of the time we would rather argue about sports or play video games. After an election, most of us go back to living our lives, back to the Redskins' incompetent front office and the Legend of Zelda.

So, that's my theory. Things are never quite as horrible as the doomsayers predict, and when events start proving it, the loudest, angriest voices start taking time off for bad behavior. And we all are better for it. At least until the midterms.....sigh.

Birthday Success

Here's how my birthday went down.

1. Pam made me a batch of molasses crinkles, my favorite cookies, which are a cross between a ginger snap and a sugar cookie. She placed them in a big Tupperware container for me to take to work to share with everyone. Of course, Pam was bitterly disappointed in how they turned out..."worst batch I've ever made!!" Fortunately, the Philistines I work with have the most unsophisticated palettes in all of Christendom so they didn't notice. Their response was summed up nicely by our designated eater, Allison, who was heard remarking with her mouth full, "Free cookies good!"

2. Then I went about my normal duties at work with little fanfare. There was no pile of presents as one might expect from my colleagues, not even any cards. This is how we roll. The only accommodation made for anyone who has a birthday at my office is that the birthday boy or girl gets to be the target of all of the day's normal wisecracks, putdowns and insults, instead of having them administered evenly which is normally the case. Seeing as how I am the primary putdown artist, wisenheimer, and insulter-in-chief, my birthday brings down an especially vociferous rain of smack talk, since from whom much is endured, much is returned.

3. Around 3:30 I made my normal Monday trip to American Family Fitness, that monument to the fruitless fight. Since I knew I would be eating a large and calorie rich dinner, I went at it extra hard. The elliptical, the stationary bike and the treadmill were fully engaged, then a fifteen minute visit to the steam room. The entire workout took an hour and fifteen minutes and I had sweated off the two pounds I needed to lose in order to gain back three and a half pounds during dinner. Mission accomplished.

4. Pam had asked me what I wanted for my birthday dinner. I had answered...New York Strip steaks, green beans, grilled potatoes and homemade warm banana pudding for dessert. It looked like this...

5. During the day, Patrick and Sarah had sent me a video greeting wishing me happy birthday, while Kaitlin and Jon Facetimed me after dinner.(Advantage Kaitlin) Then it was time to open my presents. As usual, my wife went overboard. I am now stylishly dressed in spring/summer finery, along with some awesome summer pajamas. Not only that, but she had grown weary of seeing me wear the cheap giveaway sunglasses I had picked up from a vendor booth in Chicago, (I had lost my Ray- Bans).So she bought me brand new black Ray-Bans!

So, there you have it. Birthday was a success. 59 feels alright.

59

59 is a meaningless number, signifying nothing. Other numbers have history, a certain cache. 59 needs context to rise up to the merely ordinary. 0 defines itself, its nothing. 1 is alone. 2 is a couple, 3's a crowd.  7 is lucky. Nobody wants to be behind the 8-ball. 12 is a dozen, 13 unlucky. 16 is sweet, 18 brings the age of majority and the Selective Service, 21 ushers in the full weight and statue of law. 39 is when the lying begins. 55 is the speed limit. But, 59 is null and void, empty of all meaning...right up to the very second when it means everything.

Tomorrow, I turn 59. I have 365 days left in which I can honestly describe myself as being "in my fifties." 59 is the age where everyone who learns how old you are says, "Well, at least you're not 60," small comfort indeed. I'm about to finish out my fifth decade. I've been drawing breath as a free man for 708 months, 1416 fortnights, 21535 days give or take a leap year or two. 59 winters and summers  have passed since my mother gave birth to her last child. Many of her friends had been upset with her when she announced that she was pregnant with me. Back then, my mom was a new Christian and had gathered around herself a church family. In those days we were struggling financially, which is a formulation used by mostly white people who don't want to use the word, poor. The fine ladies up at church had wondered, some aloud, what my parents could possibly have been thinking, bringing a fourth child into a house that was struggling to provide for the three they already had. Although Mom loved them dearly and valued their council, even back then, my mother didn't take crap off of anyone.  She let them know in no uncertain terms what they could do with their opinions.

Mom told me this story a few years before she died and I remember thinking how glad I was that she hadn't told it to me when I was a kid. I probably would have ended up in therapy, the psychotic people-pleaser trying desperately to prove the church ladies wrong! But, nobody who has known me more than five minutes would confuse me with a people-pleaser. That ship has sailed!

On the bright side, I feel good, my mental acuity is acute enough for government work, and I still have my hair. So, I'm ok with 59.

The funny thing is, even though they're dead and gone, at age 59 I'm still trying to make my parents proud of me. In many ways, when it comes to them, I still feel like I did when I was a little boy, knowing instinctively that I was difficult, trying not to be too loud, trying to sit still more and not worry them so. By the time I was 25 and on my own, I knew in my heart that I had caused them more grief than my other three siblings combined. But, by that time, there was nothing I could do about it except try to make them proud as an adult. I mostly did this by staying out of jail. They were probably so exhausted after the first 20 years of my life, the bar had been set pretty low. But, when I married Pam and then presented them with Kaitlin and Patrick, it felt like redemption to me.

So, tomorrow, I will wake up to my first day as a 59 year old. As a bonus, tomorrow is the beginning of the baseball season. I'm at peace with one of those things, and ecstatic about the other!

Play Ball!

The Wolf and the Sheepdog

I'm about to attempt a very difficult thing. I'm doing it partly because of what happened to Mike Pence with regards to his "marriage rules" controversy. I'm also doing it because I think it needs to be done. When we arrive at the place where something as innocent as not having dinner alone with a woman if she's not your wife, becomes fodder for hysterical condemnation, something has gone off the rails. Here's what I think is happening...when we disagree with someone's politics, that disagreement becomes all-consuming, and allows for zero exceptions, that is if someone is our political enemy, we cannot for a second consider that he or she has any positive traits. Our disdain for anyone on the other side must be complete and unremitting. Any accommodation feels like weakness so it's full battle stations 24/7. This is the environment in which America finds itself...and it has to stop.

To that end, I will attempt this difficult thing. First, I will identify my three least favorite politicians. Then, I will do a full internet investigation of every detail of their lives, public and private, and I will attempt to find something about them that I can praise, something that is worthy of acknowledgement, something that will transform my view of them as mere political animals and replace it with a dash of humanity. It's a version of what my parents always asked me to do about people with whom I couldn't get along when I was a kid. "Find something good about them."

Here are the three candidates for my personal worst person in the world award, in no particular order,
Elizabeth Warren, Chuck Schumer, and Nancy Pelosi. I will not here list the many reasons why I hold each of these individuals in such low regard, that should be self evident to anyone who regularly reads this blog. However, after some exhaustive research, I have discovered some things about them that I didn't know, things that have managed to move the needle a little in my estimation of their
value as human beings. Let's start with Senator Warren.

She was not born rich and entitled, but rather to lower middle class, blue collar parents. She is the youngest of four, with three older brothers. When she was young, her Dad got sick and lost his job, endangering the finances of the family to the point that at age 13 she got her first job waiting tables at her Aunt's restaurant. In addition to not being afraid of real work, Ms. Warren made the decision to be a stay at home Mom for the first two years of each of her two children's lives, even to the point of practicing law from home. These two experiences of her life demonstrate fine qualities which deserve praise and acknowledgement.

Charles Schumer has raised two accomplished daughters, Jessica and Allison, and has been married to his wife Iris for 37 years. I would imagine that if much of your life has been lived in the cesspool that is Washington politics, that alone is an amazing feat. Mr. Schumer too was not born into wealth, having grown up in very working class Brooklyn where he attended public schools. At age 17  he scored a perfect score of 1600 on his SAT test, outscoring me by a whopping 240 points. Gotta give him props for that!

Nancy Pelosi was born in Maryland to an Italian family who didn't speak English, making her a second generation immigrant. It is an impressive climb from having foreign language speaking parents to being the first female Speaker of the House. Name another country where this is possible? In addition, she has somehow managed to stay married to the same man for 54 years while raising five children, and being blessed with eight grandchildren. Well done, Nancy.

Nothing that I have just written changes my view of these three people as politicians. Listening to any of them on television will still be, both now and for all eternity, like listening to screeching cats. But, learning just a little of their background, getting just a glimpse of their life stories, has changed how I think about them. They seem more human to me now, more, dare I say, like me?

One of my favorite old Warner Brothers cartoons from back in the day was the one which featured the wolf and the sheep dog. Each morning you would see them walking along together to work, each carrying a lunch box, making small talk. Soon, they would arrive at a time clock hanging on the trunk of a tree where they both would clock in. The rest of the cartoon was a series of attempts by the wolf to steal one of the sheep in the field which the sheepdog was there to protect. Each wiley attempt at subterfuge by the wolf was met with crafty violence by the stalwart sheepdog. The last attempt by the wolf was always the most daring and just about the time that the sheepdog was about to swing that fist of justice at him...the whistle would blow. The sheepdog and the wolf would freeze in place, acknowledge the end of the work day, grab their empty lunch boxes and walk home together, side by side..."How are the kids, Ralph?" the sheepdog would ask. "Growing like weeds, Sam." the wolf would answer.

Perhaps asking our politicians to be more like Ralph and Sam is asking too much. But maybe if we all learned how to separate the political from the personal, we would get along better. Maybe if we could find it within ourselves to find the good in others, a middle ground could be found. But, suppose the other side refuses to return that good will? Doesn't matter. I'm not responsible for the other side. I'm just responsible for myself.

"Go thee therefore, and do likewise."

The Pence Marriage Rules

The Washington Post recently published an in-depth profile of Vice President Pence's wife, Karen Pence. Almost immediately the internet blew up.

I don't have much in the way of an opinion concerning Pence. He's a very conservative, mid-western evangelical. As such he has been a target of all of the beautiful people who live on the coasts, the recipient of an endless stream of derisive vitriol for his hickish qualities, his bigotry, homophobia, Islamophobia and misogyny,,,and all of the other phobias with which evangelicals are routinely associated.  But this time, the long knives came out over a small paragraph found in the long Post profile which disclosed that the Vice President doesn't dine alone with women not his wife, and he doesn't attend events where alcohol is served if his wife isn't in attendance.

The Progressive snark machine went into high drone before the ink was even dry. The Vice President thinks that all meals lead to sex...he's an affront to all working women...what a Christian weirdo!!!
My personal favorite was from The Onion, where a picture of Pence sitting at a table with a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup, with the caption, "Pence demands that waitress remove Aunt Jemima syrup bottle from table until his wife arrives."

Ok. Although one can't help but wonder how the left would react to this sort of thing had it been written about a Muslim-American politician's marital ground rules..I rather think that not one word would have ever graced the pages of the Washington Post...lets leave that debate for another time. Lets talk about the substance, shall we?

I have been married to the beautiful and talented Mrs. Pam Dunnevant for nearly 33 years now. In all of that time, I have never had a private dinner with another woman who wasn't one of my relatives. While I have attended functions where adult beverages have been served without her, I always feel awkward and uncomfortable when I do. Does this make me a misogynistic, knuckle-dragging bigot? I certainly hope not! I like to think that it means that I am someone who highly values his most important relationship so much that he takes great care in insuring its health and safety. Let me explain.

Life is mostly the business of risk management. We all make decisions large and small, each and every day, about how much risk we are willing to take. Should we try to beat that train to the crossing? What's that you say Doc? I've got high blood pressure? Does that mean I should't enter that bacon-eating contest next month? Or, as I used to say back in college..."Here, hold my beer and watch this!!!" Part of living a long and productive life is the prudent management of life risk, putting yourself in winning opportunities, knowing your weaknesses and avoiding situations where they might be exploited. My life is centered around the one central relationship I enjoy with my wife. If that falls apart, the destructive ripple effects of that failure will be devastating to not only me but my entire family. Therefore, I have always thought it wise and prudent to protect my marriage at all cost.

Listen, I have never had any inclination to cheat on my wife. First of all...have you seen her?? She's gorgeous. But, most of the reasons why I have never strayed is because I haven't given myself much opportunity to do so. In other words, I'm a bit of a coward in this area. I never want to find out just how much of a pig I might actually be, so I never put myself in situations where I have greater odds of acting on piggish temptations. While this system, which is nearly identical to the Pence's has served me well, I don't judge anyone else who doesn't feel the need to set up these kinds of guidelines. What other married couples do is none of my business. All I know is, my system has worked well for us. That's all.

Which brings me back to the ridicule being heaped upon the Pence's. Ironic how back when Bill Clinton was in the White House, we were always being lectured by those on the left that whatever went on in someone's else's marriage was none of our business. The fact that Bubba was a serial adulterer was immaterial to his ability to run the country, and whatever failings there may have been at home with Hillary was strictly between the two of them. Now, twenty five years later, those same voices are belittling the Vice President for his excessive commitment to marital fidelity, for the odd reason that his stance is somehow harmful to working women?

I will leave it to you, the reader, to determine whether this represents progress.

John Brown Crazy

This morning. Wide awake at 5:30. High noon wide awake at 5:30. No chance of nodding back off wide awake at 5:30. So, I get up, walk downstairs and fix my coffee. While waiting for it to brew, I empty the dishwasher. Post chore, I perambulate into the library for my daily news briefing, courtesy of Mr. Gore's invention. The news isn't good. It would appear that my mother was right with her accessment that the "world is John Brown crazy." Don't ask me to define what exactly John Brown Crazy means. This was one of my mother's many odd formulations. We never questioned her on matters of language, she being a devotee of the because I said so school of parenting. We took this expression to mean...mentally unstable. There was "crazy" then there was John Brown Crazy, a far more serious affliction of mind and body which was beyond human understanding or remedy.

I'm fairly certain that if Mom were alive today she would consider the men can menstruate too crowd as exhibit A in the John Brown Crazy museum, just around the corner from the women with penises display. This latest absurdity served up by the gender fluidity idiots is one more example of John Brown Crazy which I am eternally grateful that my mother didn't live to see. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to explain it all to her...

Mom: Douglas, I want you to explain to me what I just saw on the news, and I don't mean maybe!!

Me: Calm down Mom. What happened?

Mom: Don't you tell me to calm down! I just saw a man on Fox News saying that he was gonna sue the school system for not having a tampon machine in the boy's bathroom!! Douglas, what in the Sam Hill was he talking about??

Me: well, uh, I ...er..

Mom: I'll tell you what they should be talking about...that man is possessed by a demon if he thinks that a man can have a period. They oughta lock that man up in the loony bin. He's John Brown Crazy!

Swift was the sword of justice swung when my mother was on the case. If I had even used the term gender fluidity with her she would probably have shot back with..."You should be ashamed of yourself, talking that way. Menstruation is a natural part of life, calling it fluidity is shameful!!"

Me: No Mom, gender fluidity is the term given to the idea that a person' gender isn't as simple as male/female. It's the idea that a person's sex can change and evolve over time, that in fact, there are probably endless possibilities when it comes to gender identity...

Mom: Endless possibilities, you say.

Me: Well, that's the theory, at least.

Mom: A person's sex can change over time, you say.

Me: That's what I'm told.

Mom: Well, that's about the John Browndest thing I have ever heard.

Yes, her go-to term for mental instability came in several forms. It could be used as an epitaph, an adjective, an adverb, even a verb..."If you don't straighten up and fly right, I'm gonna John Brown you into next week!" Often she used the term in connection with threats of violence..." if you know what's good for you, you'll straighten up or I'll John Brown come over there and mop the floor up with you!" Mom never actually made good on her threats, the mere evoking of the dreaded John Brown usually had the desired effect.

I miss her in ways impossible to express, but I'm so glad that she didn't live to see gender fluidity, because explaining it to her would have been John Brown Impossible!